There's a part of my soul
That exists on an alternate timeline
One where
I didn't leave you
One where
I learned to grow before running away
Before leaving us to burn behind me
An alternate universe where we grew older
Grew closer
Changed and struggled together
And also survived and thrived
That part of my soul
Lives deep inside me somewhere
That hidden piece of myself
Still loves you

I'm walking to therapy
The sun is hot on my black clothing
I feel calm as i let my mind wander
I wonder what I'll talk about today
I could discuss my relationship
Since its been a bit rocky lately
Or I could talk about harder stuff
Like you
I could talk about you

Just the thought dries my lungs out
Takes my breath away from me again
You're always doing that
The buildings around me feel taller now
More suffocating, closing in around me
And the office, I can see is just 2 blocks down,
Suddenly stretches like a band
Pulling further away from me
With a tension that makes me dizzy
Its like im walking down a tunnel and
The soles of my shoes feel like boulders
Weighing me down, throwing off my balance
I don't want to get there now
I no longer feel real
Thoughts of you change everything
I don't want to talk about you
And that's exactly why I need to

My lips brush against your forehead
As my arms pull you close
You're soft and warm and precious
Our breathing aligns like our energies
I want to keep you safe
To kiss you every day for the rest of my life
To give you all of my heart
And build up a gentle home
The world can be a cold and dark place
But your heart is pure light
You radiate love and care
And knowing you is a truly a gift
Your stunning eyes and beautiful smile
Can so easily bring me to my knees
You disarm me without even trying
As your soul whispers into mine
Encouraging and sweet
You've been a support on my darker days
And I am eternally grateful
To trust you with my vulnerability
You've awoken something within me
That I never knew existed
A piece of my soul buried deep
It knew you immediately
The moment I saw you,
When I heard you speak
I knew without a doubt
That I needed you in my life
It didn't make sense to me then
But now it's all too clear
The universe was our guiding light
And our love is a sacred space

You are solid ground
When it feels like I'm falling.
I want to be your parachute
To give you a safe space to land.
You are steady and safe
In a world shaken and turbulent.
I want to hold space for your feelings
When everything is too much.
You are a soft, warm hug
In the coldest night air.
I want to walk with you through the darkness,
Supportive and steadying.
You are truly a gift and
A love I cherish deeply.
I want to feel your soul dance with mine
But I know they already do.
I love you sweet baby
And one day I'll kiss you too

Limbs cut through crisp air
I am falling, back first, into the abyss
Arms flail to find ground
But only air exists here
It blows through my heart and
Out through my chest
My spinning heart a weather vane
At the mercy of gravity and earth
Convulsions flare uncontrollably
Panic awakening panic
The danger paints everything in shadows
So even the sun haunts this place
I don't want to feel this
I don't want to lose control
But in falling, that decision isn't mine
I can only accept this state
Trying to control the uncontrollable
Will only cause more harm
I need to love myself enough
To love myself when I'm not ok

I crave to build a home
But I push everyone away
I want to set up a foundation
But every time I set it ablaze
I want something ethereal
But I ruin everything I touch
I want what doesn't exist
But I keep ignoring the rough
I want to stop running
But it's like I'm stuck on repeat
I want to give up
But I also can't stomach defeat
I want to let go of this life
Some days just feel like too much
I want you to "love" me
But I know even that won't be enough

I can never own a gun
Because if I did
I'd be dead.