I'm sorry for existing
I'm sorry for being so broken
You all deserve better
Than the person I am today
I could just fade away
It would be better that way
You could surround yourself with flowers
Instead of breathing in my poison
Plant trees instead of me
Free the air of my toxicity
I don't want to do this anymore
I don't want to be here again and again
I know I'm a burden and
I know you'd all be better off
I just want this to end
I've had enough

I know there's truth inside me
As it echoes against my bones
I like to pretend it isn't real
But I can feel it in my soul
I have thoughts in my head
That I don't want anyone to see
So I keep it together as best I can
And use these meds to hide myself from me
I want to talk about it all
Give the words some space to breathe
But my brain keeps telling me I can't
If I do then everyone will leave
They can't know about the fact
That I think I deserve to die
I am trying so hard to get better
And yet it feels like such a lie
Part of me believes that I am the worst
Undoubtedly broken into jagged pieces
That no matter what I say or do
The poison of my soul won't be defeated
I search for the answers in everything
I grasp for any solution that I can
I'd give anything to be more than this
Broken, poisonous, empty human

I feel the poison as it bleeds
Through my veins and
Each one of my extremities
Burning my insides
Freeing my mind
I freely give up this sobriety
I tried to live cleanly
Taking care of my body
But it never fixed my sanity
The drinks slow me down
Make it easier to cope
With this suffocating anxiety
What good is a life
So easily controlled
By all the darkness inside of me
I ache to be free
To float gleefully
Away from this broken reality
And what I actually mean
Is that I'm ready to bleed
Until I am no longer a part of me

Yesterday I had this realization
That type of realization that feels
So familiar
Because you've known about it
And kept your eyes closed to it
As though not seeing it won't make it real
As if running from it
Or constant distractions
Or unending numbing
Could spare you from it's grasp
From the truth
Your truth
Buried deep inside of you
Fighting you
Begging for air and to be let through
Because it's suffocating in there
And that pain doesn't **** the feeling
Only you
Because unfelt feelings become symptoms
And you can run until you collapse
Or even die from exertion
But in that last breath
That last thought in your head
Will finally seize you
And so as I drove towards our house
Not a home because it isn't safe there
Dreading the awkward silences
The conversation I knew was coming
I made space for my inner truth
That exiled realization I can't avoid anymore
And it told me I still want to die
I still feel alone and like I don't belong
Like there is no place in this striving world
No place for a nostalgic like me
Who believes in peace and accountability
And won't buy into the tech or the system
I have no home in this world
I want to stop and sit in the trees
But everyone and everything is racing past me
And their energy is infectious
A poison
The one I grew up breathing
The one telling me I need more
I need to be more
That even when I succeed it will never be enough
The goal post that's always moving
My brain is saturated with that anxiety
So even when I take a moment to breath
Everything inside me screams
As if there's something better I should be doing
And I am just so tired
I don't want this
I don't know how to make it stop
So my brain asks for death instead

Knees tucked to my chest
Wrap me in barbed wire and
Squeeze until I bleed
Until there's nothing left of me

Hang me by my feet
From the ceiling like a centerpiece
Make me useful and beautiful
Give purpose to this emptiness

Blood droplets beat the table
Let it soak in and stain the wood crimson
Call it art and leave it visible
Claim this mess we made intentional

When the rot begins to set
Just coat me in resin and metal
Bring worth to this worthlessness
Give this broken life eternal purpose

It feels like I've lived so many lives
Within these mere 24 years
I keep trying out different lifestyles
Making different choices
And yet so consistently weaved into
Each and every lifetime of mine
Are the echos of death calling out
When I'm fit and active I'm still hurting
The same as when I'm not
When I'm hydrated and eating healthily
My body feels a little lighter
But this heart weighs me down all the same
When I'm sober for almost 9 months
There are still so many days when
I want to give up and end it all
These types of reverberating emotions
Make me wonder if adults who **** themselves
Wanted to just as badly at 12
And 18
And 24

My heart breaks a little bit
Each time I talk to you
Yet still I reach out
As if one day you'll be
Back to that person I knew before
Not that who you are is bad
I just know it's my fault you changed
I stole pieces of you so often
Those days I couldn't handle the currents
I used you to stay afloat
As I dragged you into my darkest waters
I was so immature and so afraid
That I abandoned you as I swam away
I couldn't sit with the discomfort
Of watching you fall into your own storm
So I didn't take the time to help you
Find your way back home
Before I found a new buoy to save myself
And left you to drown on your own