Born I was tied to this world.
Strings tied around me.
Grasped by this orchestra.

I start to sing.
Singing along.
Playing these strings.
Together we play.
Together we pull.
Melody flows through us.
Harmonizing through love and tragedy.

Until I cut the string.
Until I stop singing along.
Until I reach the end of my song.
Buried under this coliseum without a hint of sound.

Hello, I know it's way too late but can I call you dad?
  It hits me when someone mentions your name and I feel the need of that rare hug of yours that could bring the dead back to life, ironically..
I miss you terribly, I can hear you laughing at me right while I'm writing you this, you would laugh that laugh of yours when one of your siblings make a really bad joke, or when your mother hints about how cigarettes are bad for you and that you should quit smoking. I'm sorry, I got drifted away, God I miss that awful laugh so much. Back to the point, you would make fun of this and I would hate it and you'd laugh that laugh and I would hate it, you'd keep the letter and I would hate it as much as I hate that you will never read this or laugh that laugh ever again. I miss you. Your memory is dragging me down again, I wish for a single day with you, just one day where I can tell you "I love you" for the first and last time, where I  thank you for making me the person I am. I'm trying my best to be the good girl you've always told me is hiding somewhere inside me, I don't think she's completely there anymore, just one day of brilliant random advises and lousy little talks about anything and everything that doesn't actually matter, just one more kiss upon your brow, just one last back pat or one last smile, one last hug, one last failed attempt to show you that I do love you, I swear to God that I regret nothing more than taking you for granted, nothing more than not showing you how much you mean to me or for realizing it a little bit too late. I hope you're where we pray to be, I hope God is showering you with more of what you've blessed us with, I hope you're happy, I hope you're happy, I hope you are happy. I miss you. I miss you terribly. Sometimes it feels like I don't have the right to say that I miss you out loud since I've never showed that I could when  you were here when everyone else did, so now everyone has the right to grieve for losing you and not being capable of showing it to you anymore, but they don't understand that  never saying or showing what they have can be way more horrible, and they wouldn't give me the chance to tell them that. I don't have the right to say it or to love you any more than they do, because I didn't when you were here, I'm sorry I didn't. I didn't know how to show it, you didn't teach me how to show it, teach me how to show it! Teach me all the things you didn't for thinking I wouldn't listen, I would've! I'm sorry I'm late. I know I'm late. I'm trying not to be late, always trying in everything, for you. I know it's late for that too but it helps with the guilt I guess.
I am emtionlly paralyzed by the thought of losing you forever.
I keep your advises close to my heart, I'll keep the memory of your beautiful mind and your pretty fake smile even closer and I bet these small thoughts are what will  keep me going, I'll be always proud of knowing someone like you. I shall grow on loving you even if it wouldn't do anyone any good, I shall pass the love you gave me to those whom deserve it. And those who don't, it's enough for all.
You will always have the biggest piece of my heart. Don't laugh at this, this is not a joke and it's okay not to laugh about it, I'll be embarrassed anyway, but it's okay. God bless your splendid soul.
Goodbye? Seems ironic as well. Goodbye.

Humble words, sharp knives, heartless pals, cold drinks, the color blue, huge guns with tiny bullets and flawless art.

It all starts when the blue smoke covering up the place, taking us away, taking over our minds and giving us a moment of appreciation of what's about to happen, what we think is always, always worth it.

Screams that will never be heard, lips that will never be bitten, bodies that  have never and will never be touched properly.

Fast cars can always go crazy on empty roads, groaning and loving the road to make it come alive for at least few minutes, you should be loved like an empty road or walking on water, eating clouds or an icy cold lemonade that playfully goes through your body on a sunny day. But there again fast drivers can take the wrong road and mess everything up.

There can never be a right combination when it comes to you, your words can be like sharp knives or soft flower shower, you like proving yourself wrong but you make sure you do it right, you are my wrong mess, you are mine but others can own you too. You are never right but you always make things right, nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense.

You wear too many masks, some are bright, some are dark, some scream "love me" and some pushes people away, but I've fully loved you with no masks at all, I've invaded your space, I've witnesses your existence, I've witnessed you, God knows there's nothing like what I have witnessed

Your wonderful mind who I, alone got to understand and admire, the list is endless but I tend to keep it to myself for some unknown reason

At least that's what I remember..

That's all what goes through my mind

Oh, my head?

That's the only place we meet now.

In a dark box begging for oxygen
thinking of nothing other than freedom
There alone with a crying lady and a quiet one
Feeling so cold
Effected by the terror I assumed
Looking at the small holes
Hoping for a sign
A man to open this door
Screaming at my face while I'm stealing some oxygen
Or a car
A car to take me home
Although it gonna be my father's
Screaming again while I'm wishing for a bed
But no nothing of that..
Stayed for almost four hours doing the same
But not getting any..
I got nothing to do just to think whose fault is that..
I said it's mine,
But then after I imagined the same seen in another country
Any other one..
After imagining that seen in any other community..
Any other one..
It's not my fault anymore, it's the community's
But then my father disagreed..
No wonder..
He's a part of it, I'm a part of it..
Not trying to make it long,
it's my fault after all..

i sat on the edge of his bed
staring at his pathetically
painted blood-red walls
clicking the lock button
on my phone
repeatedly
praying to the only
God i know
as he cuts a line
squeezing a rolled 10 dollar
bill between his thighs

he doesn't know how much
i hate this
or
how it kills me
to watch him do
this

it kills me
because
he can't stand to be
with me
unless he's all sorts of
high
unless he can't remember
who he is or what we're
doing here together
and
he can't go
5
minutes without
smoking or
snorting or
placing a
pretty colored
pill on his bumpy pink tongue
just so his vision of me
goes a little blurry
and he can't hold a conversation
with me unless it
involves him
breathing heavily
and thrusting
on top of my bare
body
and nothing is as
it seems
for him or
for me
anymore

who are you when
you're sober

because i've
never
known

i thought i
loved
you but
i don't and
i can't and
i won't
i won't ******* love you
and i refuse to
because
when i did love you
i never loved
you
i loved who those drugs
made you

and
it kills me

but
today,
today was different
because
today
it killed you
too.

My eyes are heavy
from to many nights
thinking about an
hour glass.
the ticking sound
coming from a Disney clock
I threw away when I was 11
If I knew back then how being
an adult would break
everything in your body
I would have stayed after school
a little bit longer and probably
should have kissed her while
I had the chance.