E - Hello Poetry

E Feb 13

Maybe

Maybe I don't want to be here
and maybe I'd rather be buried
but maybe I like the rain
and maybe I want to hold your hand
so maybe I don't want to let go
but maybe I don't know how to hold on
and maybe there is no easy answer
but maybe we don't need one
Maybe I'm happy
and maybe I want to cry
so maybe I let the rain be my tears
or maybe I just like the feeling
maybe I spend too long alone
or maybe I just need the quiet
maybe I'm okay
and maybe I feel like I'm dying
but maybe it doesn't matter
because maybe there's no answer

Written after spending ten minutes out in the rain for funsies.

E Feb 7

Born To Suffer

Sometimes I think
we were just born
to suffer

Maybe a cruel twist
of fate maybe by the
God's design

I don't really care
about the why I just
want it to stop

Because if every new
day just means
losing something or someone

Being afraid of everything
holding onto something already fading
I don't know how much longer I can

I'd like to try and think
that maybe I'll try for you
but I know I'll lose you too someday

As much as I wish to
I don't think I can believe
in a happily ever after

Because sometimes things
don't work out
and we still have to go on

I'm trying to hold on
trying to hold back my tears
but I don't know if I can

I always knew that each new beginning
has an unavoidable end
but it still hurts

The thought of losing you
keeps me up at night
and you tell me it'll be alright

But I don't know anymore
because what am I supposed to do
when I lose the best part of my life?

Written about my experiences with terminal illness. Friends, family, and even partners I know have struggled with it and as much as I hate to say it having gone through it before does not make it easier. I'm sorry.

#lifesnotfair #imissyou

E Feb 1

Intertwining Pasts

Fragments of our past
tie together like strings
too long and too old
twisting and wrapping and turning
until they snap
and we're only left with fragments

I wish I'd been braver
maybe then I would have asked
before it was already too late
maybe we could have been more
maybe we would still have
fallen apart
but I wish I was brave enough to know
instead of just being left wondering

Because these "what ifs"
keep me up at night
leaving me crying
without knowing why
alone in a bed
that feels too empty
though I've always been
the only one in it

Is it possible
to miss something
that you've never had
to long so deeply
for a possibility
that it hurts
and you don't know
what to do?

If things had been different
would you still be here
if things had been different
would I still be alone?
If I could just be
anyone but me
then maybe it wouldn't be
so broken

Because that's what is
isn't it?
all my fault
because I couldn't be
what you wanted
so desperate for your approval
but never just enough

I always fell short
and now I've fallen too far
away from you
and everything I had
left alone with nothing
and only this darkness
inside and all around
so thick it's choking me

Would this have happened
if I had just listened
done what you said
and turned off my heart
became what you wanted
me to be
just another shadow
in the dark

Found a song that inspired me a bit and then just kinda kept writing. Hope you like it

E Jan 29

The Blind Artist

There was once
someone who made
without ever seeing
what it was

They could draw
they could paint
they could write
but they never saw what others did
when they looked at it

Some called it horrifying
some called it beautiful
some called it sad
and some simply called it true

For when you can't see
what have you
to filter the things you hear
all around you

Rumors of war get turned
into drawings of harsh lines
the sound of explosions
captured on paper in color

Words of love
a soft shape that spirals
on and on and down and down
over and over because "I'll love you forever"

The hate too, they made into art
The words thrown at them
written down
and then drawn over
harsh and angry lines
that cut through the paper

They painted on walls
drew in the margins
wrote where they could
but they were always creating

From love to grief
and the sound of birds to breaking glass
they made what they could
and always it was true

Maybe it couldn't be clear
to those still blinded by sight
but it was real and maybe
that was enough

For they didn't create
to prove a point
or make someone see
they created to feel

You don't need to see
in order to feel
the earth under your feet
or the winds in your hair

You can hear their laughter
and you can hear their hate
you don't need to see
to know what they think

So maybe sometime
stop and close your eyes
and open yourself
to the world of sound

E Jan 28

Losing You All Over Again

I lost you, once
So long ago
You could hardly remember it
if I tried to tell you

The truth is I don't blame you
but it still hurts
A hundred years wouldn't be enough
to heal the pain you left

She was the one who took you, yes
but I didn't know until it was too late
and I could do nothing but stand and watch
as she took everything through you

First, it was you
missing and I was alone
taking care of what we used to have
and trying to stay strong

And then you come back
and I think it might be okay
Maybe we can fix it
But it's so much worse than I thought

Because she hurt him through you
and I watched as you broke his wings
and left him nearly dead
I couldn't stop you,
you were always stronger than me

And then she took you for good
took your mate mark
and then your wings
and finally your life

And I couldn't stop it
I'd lost everything in one day
and I mourned for so long
but it was never enough

I tried to fix it
tried to make it better
but I kept only breaking it
and I don't know what to do

I have someone else now
and I love him
but you're back
and I'm more lost than ever

I can't take you back
I can't go through that again
But I don't want to lose you entirely either
what am I supposed to do?

wrote this one a while back. Hope you enjoy.

E Jan 26

Death of an Unknown

Someone is dead
it's a rather simple thing really
a body already buried underneath the earth

You'd think it might be sad
but no one who remembers them
still lives or maybe
no one ever knew them

No tears were shed when their body was found
burnt in a forest or was it
tied to a rock at the bottom of the lake
it doesn't matter either way

They were someone once
or maybe they weren't
but they are dead now
and it's only so long even that will be known

No grave or headstone to mark
where their body lays under the ground
grass and flowers are already starting to grow
over once overturned earth

Maybe they were always buried
maybe they were simply created to feed this earth
their decay becoming food
for bugs and plants alike

No one knows them
or if they did they don't anymore
sometimes you might feel sad if you visited
where they rest but you won't know why

And you shall soon forget
because it is the death of just
yet another unknown
nameless and inconsequential

Maybe they were important once
but they're not anymore
and soon even this will disappear
nothing lasts forever

No one knows who they were
a prince or a baker or a cobbler
perhaps a seamstress or dressmaker or hatter
or something like an engineer or lamp lighter

So many unknowns
have already died
and faded no longer important
enough to be remembered

You like to say that you
would notice
perhaps you would remember
but even you don't

There is no knowing
the truth of an unknown
only ever a guess
of what could have been

Death feeds our lives more than you'd notice.

E Jan 25

Reminders In March

It's starting to warm up
but I can't calm down
they'll tell you it wasn't so bad
"You're better now, right?"

But they weren't there
in that place
where words were so limited
actions even more so

Maybe some of it helped
but not all of it did
and sometimes I think
I'll never feel free again

He was kind
but didn't understand
she was amazing
but you couldn't get too close

Can't talk about this
can't talk about that
keep it light, please
redirect and forget

Maybe some of it helped
but he wasn't always
as good as they said
and we were constantly afraid

You can't whisper
but don't talk too loud either
watch you diet
but don't think too much about food

We all had our demons there
some more obvious than others
the pills didn't make it go away
sometimes they just made you numb

Leaving didn't make you free
there was still so much to do
and everything was so different
they couldn't handle it when you cried

So off again you went
a new place, a new house, new rules
but the same old problems
because you weren't free

The pills didn't fix you
and neither did their words
some even made it worse
and you didn't even know what home was

Not anymore
everything changed
they'll tell you it helped
"You should be better now"

They made you change too fast
and got mad when it didn't work
the mold snapped
and the real you slipped through the cracks

So maybe it helped
and maybe it didn't
but I think I'll always
hate reminders in March

Because I'm not really free
and to you, I'm not really me
a bandaid over a bullet hole
and a painted on smile

But I'll still always hate
reminders in March

The path to recovery is not linear.

#mentalhealth