Nichlous

Nichlous Jun 2018

mistake

Emptied of my soul,
Drained of my happiness.
One day you lay in a field of flowers,
The next you perish upon shards in a storm.
No question to be asked,
No answer to be found.
In a matter of moments my smile turned to a frown.
I’ve endured many heartaches,
None comparable to this.
I’ve long searched for her,
The one who took my fear and created bliss.
Lost among a train of thoughts,
Derailed upon every look.
It is my heart that you have took.
Contained by your every laugh,
Held by your understanding of my past.
You never gave me judgement,
In the end it was my promises that didn’t last.
I’ve done this to myself,
My life has turned to a living hell.
All I’ve become is a forgotten memory on a dusty shelf.
I’m sorry.

Nichlous Jun 2018

lack of control

Yesterday I blew up,
an atomic bomb set from my lips.
Beginning with isolation,
followed by ignoring the one.
Flustered added into aggravation,
unkind words pulsed with unneeded actions.
Sending fear into the eyes around,
stricken by sadness after.
In a split moment I sent bliss into disaster.
Months upon hours of containment.
Leading to the loss of control.
Ultimately destroying everything I've wanted in my life.
I'm cast upon a shadow of my own guilt.
Decimated is my happiness.
I'm sorry.

Nichlous Jun 2018

Conflict

Feeling lost.
Helpless.
Lifeless.
My soul has spiraled out of control,
Developed into a tornado of irrevocable emotion.
Confusion has become a hindering part of my every day routine.
Some ask for more time,
Time is just a constructed concept.
Seconds are useless without minutes,
Minutes are useless without hours.
The craving for more of it is useless without a destination for more happiness.
Happiness…what a socially praised detriment.
Happiness has become rare in the steps I take.
How do I feel happiness when I still feel the monsters hands wrapped around my throat?
When I feel the blade piercing my chest?
The smashing weight of the monsters body holding me in place?
No… happiness has turned to disgust of what I’ve endured.
Three times I’ve tried to take myself from the nightmares of the monster,
Once by hanging my soul from the rope.
Till “SNAP” the rope breaks and I was left gasping for any breathe I could gain.
Another by taking more medicine than should be regulated.
I laid lifeless among the white tile,
Only to wake up to see my efforts have caused nothing but a knot within my core.
Finally the third,
Where I raced through the wind,
Smashing my transportation into the end of an inatimate object.
Still no prevail.
Still my heart beats.
I’m left with the visuals,
The sounds.
The constant replay every time I close my eyes.
Nowhere to run,
Not even a place commonly referred to as home.
Homes filled with demons that constantly go back and forth.
I’m left straggling through the depths of a dark tomb.
I’m stranded feeling lost.
I crave sleep.
I crave dreams.
I crave the answer to what this life means.
Still I’m standing,
Lifeless,
Hopeless.
Dead.

Nichlous Jun 2018

toxic

I’m stuck inside my mind.
This has become a toxin to me.
With every breath my lunges slowly encave.
While my heart,
Well my heart swells as if it’s going to burst,
An over inflated balloon that’s being tested to its max capacity.
Every bone,
Each tendon,
Along with all the individual muscles I’ve acquired,
Diminishing.
Slowly,
Confusingly,
Just crumbling like ash.
No matter how fast I run,
How many turns I take,
I’m still under a magnifying glass,
Tormented by demons that have constructed home within my mind.
When the thoughts take over,
It’s an endless maze.
No right answer.
No wrong answer.
Just choices.
Reactions.
Results.
Some responses more diligent and upbringing,
Contrasted by others that are draining and frustrating.
I feel flooded,
Flooded by the bodies,
Engulfed by the pavement,
Trapped by the bricks,
A constant longing to be set free from this asylum.
Still the toxin seeps into all my pours,
Every memory,
Every possibility,
Passing me by just close enough to grasp.
If caught I may fall and plummet,
I may hold on and experience.
Some days it’s as though I’m freefalling from a peak,
No lifeline,
No wings.
All the moments reflected in the hundreds of feet I circum to.
At the bottom is a mirror,
Within is a dark room filled with shadows.
Envy and jealousy constructing the walls.
Anger acting as gravity sticking my legs to the floor.
Where is the light in this toxin?
In the depths of this undesirable asylum?
The demons have pushed the angels out,
Too many heartaches,
Too many lies.
Creating broken pieces of this scattered life,
I feel strong,
I feel scared.
For I am still here,
While the broken pieces are there,
Shards of the mirror I have forever feared.
I want to be saved from this toxin.

Nichlous Jun 2018

Body

Held up by bones,
Constructed of Flesh,
Pulsing with blood.
Defined by actions.
Viewed by character.
Judged by looks.
Faking smiles.
A locked away book.
Pages wrinkled,
Words blurred.
A lock without a key,
Until someone can see,
There is a lot I rarely enjoy about being me.
My soul has evaporated,
Freely flowing with the wind.
My heart has crumbled,
No bandages to help it mend.
My weakness is hidden in a frown.
I always feel lonely,
A single tear from the eyes of a clown.
Spending more time isolated within myself,
Forgotten like a picture on the top shelf.
I’m a lonely tree set among a snowy mountain top,
Everyday wishing for the anxiety to stop.
Looking in the mirror portrays a depressing image,
The person reflecting back is not who I began with.
I’m imprisoned by my imperfections.
Every step has led me to a new direction.
I feel suffocated every day,
Lost among a never ending maze.

Nichlous Jun 2018

Lotus

Walking through a field,
Bountiful with flowers,
Their aroma caring my senses.
Green grass in plenty,
The sun shining down,
The ultra violet rays lightly touching my skin.
With so much beauty to scan my eyes over,
I’m not entirely sure where to begin,
Within a few steps Im paralyzed.
What I see is absolute bliss,
A single lotus surrounded by wildflowers,
By roses and tulips.
I’m set back by the luck I have to come across this.
Unsure of what do first,
I stand back and gaze at the perfect and breathtaking natural beauty.
Yes there is a few broken leaves,
Yes there is other lotuses in the universe.
However, this lotus has come into my life.
At a time where im walking alone,
Where my mind is flooded by screams.
I decide to take a step closer,
And another,
Then another,
Till finally the lotus is within my reach.
The screams have ended,
In their place is a beautiful song being sung,
Overcame with joy I lean down and smell the lotus,
At that moment im sent through the galaxy,
Witnessing pure amazement,
Simple pleasure,
My heart swells and my throat tightens.
I feel a single tear leaving my eye.
I begin spending moment after moment admiring the lotus,
My eyes transfixed upon it,
I forget im even in a field surrounded by other wild growth.
Then I notice the sunset,
The moonlight shining upon the lotus,
Revealing that within its broken leaves there is light and color.
I’m entranced.
I reach out to touch the lotus
But stop.
I realize I cannot pick this flower for it would stop growing.
Instead I go day after day,
Watering and caring for it.
Watching it grow,
Watching it become more gorgeous by the minute.
With every hour spent my happiness grows.
With every second passing,
It’s my heart I surrender for the lotus to hold.
Several years pass,
Still I visit this magical field,
Still I care for and water the lotus.
Learning patience,
Gaining strength.
This lotus is conforming me into a better man.
I’m growing older now and soon my life will end.
When that time comes I hope to be buried in that flowery field.
Next to the lotus ive surrendered my soul to yield.
With hopes that I can spend forever with it by my side,
Sprouting into something as blissful and breathtaking as the lotus.

To my lotus, for taking my heart.

— The End —