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So I sat here writing a letter,
trying to recall events like the weather,
why red and blue have been fighting forever,
the kid in the newspaper with some new fever,
or that house that set itself on fire.

I wrote off the lines and on the back of the page
about a mother and father who abandoned their children,
a street that went up in a riot,
the telephone poles and the trees,
pipelines and the sewers, and their eventual decay.

I wrote, “Will you marry me,” one thousand times
Then I wrote, “I don't love you anymore,” one thousand and one.

I sat here
and I wrote a book that wasn't long enough
it couldn't explain the things I wanted to say.
An AK-47 sent through the mail.
The tower that fell with no plane.
Flower sales and drive-by’s,
what really happened to JFK?
Why wasn't it **** Cheney?

But I barely wrote half of what I could think.
A declaration of war, like it's a game.

I sat here, alone with my 90 degree angles
every night is a race to the bottom of the glass.
A prisoner to my own mind
which I cannot escape.
Here it goes again.
Another poem to describe how useless I am.
How tattered my soul is.
How my brain resembles my hands,
callused, numb, and broken dry skin.
I'm a terrible person.
Self indulgent and full of sin.

And here it goes again.
In the mirror I see nothing.
A big steaming pile of nothing.
Full of wasted dreams, 'what ifs' and 'one days.'
The **** that I write never comes out right.
The **** that I dream is just that:
a big steaming pile of nothing.

Here it goes again.
As if I am something.
But I can't get past how useless I am.
A speck in this cosmic dust cloud.
And here I go again, thinking I am a tornado.
How I will crush your dream home
and leave behind a big steaming pile of debris.

Here I go again,
thinking I am nothing.
When really, I am something.
I am a speck in this cosmic cloud,
without me that tornado wouldn't be.
Touch me,
it doesn't matter where
and it doesnt matter how
I need to know I'm still alive
so someone touch me now
Shake my hand and say hello
or pat me on the back
kiss me on the cheek
that I may feel this sense I lack
slap my face and pull my hair
make me bleed I just don't care
dig your nails into my skin
so I can feed this need within
I've been numb for such a time
that even pain would be sublime
so touch me, touch me now
I don't care where, I don't care how
Follow me on Twitter @athomashawkins
http://twitter.com/athomashawkins
Seed my mantra with your stare
Im stuck on the roof
No God in sight
and my neck hurts from staring at stars
Awaiting a cool breeze to guide me home
Still I keep that *** of gold in my mind’s eye
The return to a long forgotten homeland
Something to strike me like deja vu
Awakening my eternal slumber
A thousand whistling kettles
So seed my laugh with your stare
Im stuck on the roof
No God in sight
and my neck hurts from staring at you
Awaiting a cool breeze to guide me home
 May 2014 Shell McCutchen
Jvak
Skin is just tissue and tissue wrapped around body, keeping its contents from going this way and that. (It's also really painful to walk with no barrier between the Earth and the sinew and bones of your feet.) Think of when you see a woman, and your belly just yearns, and you feel like you are going to throw up, like something is actually thrashing inside of you, trying to find escape, or when you're with that women, and that thrashing subsides to manipulation, and organs begin to move of their own accord: lips upon lips, and hips upon hips; beasts ravaging and ravishing until they find escape.
 May 2014 Shell McCutchen
Jvak
a tickle and a tease
a build up and release
of what I speak, of course, is a sneeze
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