How would it be when you visited me to bring food? I thought on the plane as I landed home. To pass time, I put my bedsheets in the washing machine. Taking out the trash, I started feeling empty. The empty hallway of my apartment waited for you, I waited for you too. You appearing under the golden light front my door with a cheesy smile, holding white plastic bags. Our eyes scanning each other for the smallest changes, things that we wouldn’t speak about during our calls. I notice the longing in your eyes. To be honest, I was scared of staring back into your eyes. A bit of awkwardness, maybe a bit of embarrassment. It's funny how we know each other so well but seeing each other across from the room

our eyes crossing but feeling too embarrassed to stare

not being able to touch each other

we suddenly feel so different. so separate, strangers.

in my head, I thought: what if I look at him and his eyes don’t look back?

When I told them, blank stares
But I heard behind my back
"He knows" - they pointed at my only friend
But no one cared to ask

Me - It seemed like he had friends to tell
That would go with him through hell
Those that never cared to help
me, or even listen.

When I was weak, no one reached an arm
but did I extend mine?
I must have forgotten. I wish I had.

Today, they apologize
Don't you think it's too late?

i step into the shower
picking shards of glass off my palms
delicately undress the wounds on my legs

cold water pours
i rest my purple, ****** fingers against the shower stall
and douse myself in rose-scented soap
scrubbing what skin remained

see my black eyes in the broken mirror
as i wipe my face off.
an arsenal to fix the mess.

loving arms wait outside the door
but my cold hands tremble on the ****

bruises wrapped in a tight dress

i’d lie gorgeous in a casket
and finally rest.

all i think about is him
the way he looks into my eyes
sees my pain and passions
he, who is directive
but softens his eyes looking into my soul

despite never having held something so delicate, so fragile,
he isn’t afraid of holding me tight
he sits with me as i cry
and tells me i’m beautiful.

am i enough now?
am i pretty enough?
am i cuter?
drop-dead gorgeous?

did i change enough?
am i to your liking?
enough to erase those words,
to rewind time?

make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better

make me feel again

i see the way she looks at me
i wish i knew before
the praise was too sweet,
too humble.

the guilt was decadent
and so she tattled.
to brag, to show,
to relate;
to wear my skin.

she crawled under us,
wrapped around you,
and you followed,
craving venom.

it stings: the bite, the envy,
and the way you looked at her.

i thought you could never break my heart
but with your head in the sky
and my heart in hand
you lost your way
you lost my hand

and again,
the tears pour.

i’m unable to unpack
the damage those words did to me
at an age
where i was so vulnerable,
so open, so naïve.

i still cry,
i still cut,
i still look at myself in the mirror
and tear my skin off

i still torture myself to their photos.
a printed copy of her face glued to my mirror.
and my heart burns every time she appears on my feed.

i disagree with what you said.
through shameless stares on the street, praise, and adoration.
my confidence grew
where i can finally love myself
and admire me
more than you could that time.

but i think about her every day
the way i lied on your balcony
and cried
the way i chopped my hair
did my nails
and changed my face

all because of one text
“she’s cute, but not like her”

i’m no less of a ***** than she is,
except she gets paid.
i settle for male validation,
filling the void our father left
one way or another.

once again i’ve been betrayed.
i’ve gotten used to quickly give away
but when it’s her, it hurts.

we are opposites, i thought.
but looked, i saw a mirror.
we are so alike.
down to the black MK bag, though mine classier.

i try to think i’m superior; more refined
then how come she gets what i want?

she invited me to a party,
dress code was black & gold.
i looked down at my black bag, i can wear that at the party.
but the details are silver.

then, i looked at hers:
gold.

that is the difference between us,
i give away and act as the better person.
but she comes out on top.

i wear silver but she wears gold.

got a little lost in your eyes,
felt a little nervous around them.
caught you glancing more than a dozen times.
can’t say i didn’t stare back.

maybe i read it all wrong,
maybe i’m delusional and all, and
maybe it’s all in my head!

but then— why were you looking at me like that?

like, i made you hold your breath
you wanted my attention
looked my way for approval

it can’t possibly be all in my head.
i’m so sure of this!
because if it wasn’t for sure, there’s no way you would be looking at me like that.

all you need is some distance, so you can realize why you’re looking at me like that~

then the time came,
the setting was set,
i was ready for you.
but the one factor, the one variable that i didn’t account for,
the girl

that i almost forgot,
that caught me by surprise—
also caught you.

then i understood.
it’s just what you do.

11:08 PM

i was about to text you
and ask
if you still loved me

but that exact second
you instead video called me,
smiling
and promised to call me tomorrow.

i love you
so much.


10:14 AM

said you’d call at 9
never did

i did you wrong
i read it wrong
i shouldn’t have taken your call as an answer

maybe i’ll ask you again,
do you still love me?

or say that our chapter is over and that we should turn the page.

i don’t want there to be enough room to happy apart.
i don’t want to say that i won’t try to make you regret this.
i don’t want to be the bigger person.
i don’t want you to, either.

i don’t want to say i’ll never forget you;
that we’ll cherish the good times.  

i don’t want you as a memory,
or in an old photo album,
or in my dreams,

i don’t want to wish you well,

i need you here.

i was an outsider
out of necessity
or of fear of rejection
i’d rather be better than them,
surrounding myself with how i saw myself.

maybe now i’m not the worst
but i’m still alone.

this is what i chose
i wanted to be the one who chases,
admires, who thinks you’re better than me
you, who i respect and envy.
untouchable.

but why does it feel so bad
compared to being loved and admired?
why does being loved feel so much better than loving?

i’ve always longed to be the admirer
but for the first time in forever
i felt what it was to truly be loved
and now i know how good it feels

why does it feel so much better when you’re the one looking at me with love in your eyes?

dark, entrancing;
the obscure—
neatly wrapped by gleam.

the moon turns its face,
spilling its secrets.

how could you say those things
to your everything
yes, you didn’t mean it
but you should’ve seen it
the blades in your tongue
as you broke me down

forgive and forget
what you don’t regret.

our lives are diverging,
the future we traced began to split.
two sides peeling away from each other,
slowly, but surely, we’re losing touch.

at times, you feel like a stranger.
something about the way you talk
makes me think back.
to the “you” i remember—or the one i don’t.

am i forgetting us?
or just upset about how it’s been?

it’s a little scary, you know?
making forever plans with someone who i might not know.
but there’s something that ties us together.

i often worry that it’s time;
time that holds onto the pages and memories—
hands gripping each other as it ticks.

but i know better than to let go.

Today, my windows are wide open
Once a phantom, the moon lays delicately on the windowsill
as my eyes sparkle front its beauty

Echoing the light from that Opal sky,
when we held each other's heartbeats
and our fears dissipated into the fog.
Covering the blending stars above us.

The moon blossomed into a scarlet eclipse.
And I watched it from afar, my heart ached
Its burning melancholy enriched my senses
with passion, longing, and desire.

It's true, I found myself in that moon
But the most incredible thing I found was not the moon.

it was you.

Waves framing an everlasting ocean
Tumbling bliss and turning light blue memories and wishes into dreams
In a spectacle it unfolded,

The sentiment of innocence marked by the white flower on my wrist,
A romance cut short.

I used to spend hours looking down
At the thousands of small critters
I used to look at the caterpillars
Checkered, bristle-covered enveloped bodies
As they roamed the soil for growth

A breeze, a storm
Enough to flood the land
The caterpillars gasped for air
Lost, alone.

But the sun struggled through
The storms calmed
And the caterpillars emerged from the water
Ready to fly,
Ready to metamorphosize.

Now I look up, up to the sky
and I finally see
Momentary beauty, splendid nonetheless:
Purple wings glistening through the wind.

That’s what I aspire to be.

My young glistening eyes fixated
sparkling beauty, the standard
natural as day, a diamond crown
as I throw my arms left and right

Works of love and works on stain
conditional on display.

White roses bed the windy plains
Glistening cool dew
as the sky runs in grey and stone
The petals run through my soul

But then the day sets.
a trip, a trick, and a treat.
Dirt on my hands as the sky roots me
and in languor I wait

As it skims my body
my skin, it hurts, it complains
It could have been erased, but now
Red beds the cruel plains.

it's not enough, my waist spits at me in the mirror
I know there's so much more, she spits as I undress
it hurts - Well, there's no time to be hurt. No, not now.
You don't want to upset him, do you? I know you don't.
i don't. - Then close up. It's time to make him want you, Ok?
ok. - Let's start with your face. There are some things I dislike.
Too straight, too narrow, too large, too small. Don't you agree?
yes. help me. - Oh, I will, dear. Now, will you give everything?
everything? -Yes, I need everything. Give your chest and soul.
You're not hungry anymore. Okay? -you're right, i'm not.
Hold your stomach in, get up earlier, ****** him
Find your passion, but don't abuse it. Oh, and
Don't forget: do it all in heels. No one cares
If it hurts. If it looks good, you're set, see.
Learn how to be smart, not too smart
Don't worry that he looks at them
Just look better. -you know it
won't change anything.
I do. but you need it. No one will like you if you don't, especially not him.
i see... is this enough?
No, my dear.
it's not?
No.
ok.
-

Her,
her, her, and
her. You see them all.
Well, you don't just See them.
You desire them.
All of these women.
All of them, you say

Natural attraction
You say it's split-second
As you feel the rush
and that rush brings me
it brings me
it brings
it-
hurts.
-

I find out what I knew I shouldn't
I should have stopped at the door
but I stumbled in. I knew I shouldn't.

Amongst the honesty of a simple friendship:
casual honesty,
And I loved him.

But I wanted to be loved, does that make sense?
They wanted me
Why should they? He asks.
I'm not a model

Hell, she's not even as cute as Her.

She agrees.
Well... she's cute, but not drop-dead gorgeous
They did though,
loved me like a rose
under the sky they fell.  

But he agreed.

I should have walked out
basalt secrets
on the edge of me

But I stayed. And I knew I shouldn't.

you let me fly
too close
close to the sun
and I know its shine was nauseating
as I held on to my hope
but I knew my fate
was to
fall
          fall
                    fall

             fall

                        fall

                       and fall.

When I look outside, I see nothing
Not because there isn't anything,
but because I'm lying.

Quick drums forcing lies
and the truth comes out, and it will,
the emptiness of love
I can't see it, no matter how much I feel

I can't have someone by my side
and be alone in my heart
unless I get hurt and pretend to be understood



No one will understand you completely
You will always be lonely

Before I could remember
I was lost, and without myself
having no one else
How could it be lonely?
For no one was even there,
At least I wasn't

"I'll take time to find myself"
Never something I asked,
But it wasn't a choice, or a need
I found myself in feeling the stars
While the sand brought me to reality
The sunset wasn't warm, it was leaving

As it left, an inverse shadow
Burned into my memory, a time of company
And loneliness flooded my room
Loneliness of not finding my way out
And i found the coldest was the potential of warmth
Fall found me and the snow fell around us

In illusion, once again,
Looking in your eyes, I lost myself
But I wasn't alone-
Little did I know
that I would find myself
in you.

Beside me, your glare blends into my mind,
Your sincere, enchanting, deep eyes
"I need to find myself"
Our lips meet, and the space between us is filled by darkness
We kiss with passion, and I dont want to let go

The space between us multiplied by the second
And emptiness sets in
The door is closed smoothly, but surely
Bleeding golden light across my skin
Your touch is replaced by temporary void

And again, time cuts too soon
I look back once,
I look back twice
And you look down,
As the sun set behind you
The gold blended with the sand, bright flares illuminating our eyes
All black, you stood away from the scenery

The simplicity of one moment,
And the warmth pulling me back, your softness asking me to stay.
but I turned away
"We'll meet on the other side"

Moon as full as my wishes
While my heart overflowed with warmth
Romance shifted into desires of passion

I've told you
You're the moon, out of reach
And grew so close

All I'd see is red, intoxicating
Looking away from the balcony
The wind seemed to blow away all doubt
The emptiness of all below me
Caught my old dreams

For once, the stars were pale
This day, the moon turned scarlet red

And the summer breeze wrapped around us

under skyscrapers and night lights,
the city spreading above me
I'd rely on the sky to enlighten me,
let the colors shine through the rifts

Hiding under the moonlight,
for you could not hide
such transcendent allure,
and I joined you.

Anyone could see it,
trace the source of my eyes' glimmer.
While only I could feel,
and when I did,
such indescribable sensations, of melancholy, glory and bliss

We found each other, at last,
but little did I know
I would find you again
and again

and again.
But when we did, I couldn't let go.

Traffic lights spread across the Opal sky
He held my face
His gentle, warm palms, magnetic on my skin
Fervorous glow embraced my chest
Beat to beat, my heart bled into the fog.

Leaning his forehead against mine,
I felt my thoughts blending with his skin.
A synthesis of feelings, an ocean of colours.
his lips find mine and heat ripples across my face
Cloudy breaths caressed my skin
This time, the sky didn't blend with tears.
This night, the lights were dry.

With my windows tenderly open,
the moonlight, a pale marble phantom I admire
The dark light rests beside me,
unveiling a vivid urban gleam

A jet black silhouette transpires
He whispers in the dark
Porcelain lies, radiant yet feeble.
His words achingly deceive
the lights that disdain me;
belittling my affectionate delusion

Pitch dark silence, I weep as I grieve
My tears filling in everlasting secrecy of
this tragical devotion blurring out the stars

You speak with a passionless passion
Yet my world doesn't fall apart-
It makes the whole universe perish.

That night, the stars seemed to blemish.

Sitting at a cafè
You are hot chocolate-
Warming up my heart~
I take a sip.
...
The sweet taste I expected
Was now bitter?
You make my heart ache- burning my mouth, all of these emotions running through my mind- days- months-!

i feel awake.

Your words wake me up
Every heartbeat hurts
The sweetness I felt was now bitter
I told myself it was bittersweet
But you are coffee
And I like my coffee unsweetened.

I should have trusted my tongue
You are as caring as my coffee is sweet-

not.