Each curl of conversation
stills my tongue, half-sentences
stranded in the mire
of biting reason

words silently form
protests, defenses
reasons and intentions

worthless to ears already fed
with the insistent conundrum
accompanying every attempt
at reconciliation.

And then she asked me “ how long Is forever?”
I smiled and said.. “ forever is right now…with u and me... in this moment “

Day 1: I want to tear my skin off. My heart is beating so fast i can barley breathe. I feel so filthy.
Day 2: I can't believe this. I don't want to be here. Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen?
Day 5: I guess I drank too much and my friends were to drunk to stop me.
Day 10: I can't face my friends, I can't live my life.
Week 3: No one knows. He hasn't said a word.
Week 6: It happened again, I was sleeping and he did it again. Why did I stay the night? Why didn't I go straight home?
Week 7: He left and kissed me goodbye. I don't know how to feel.
Week 10: My life's out of control, I can't believe whats happening.
Month 5: My boyfriend knows. But not all details. Just thinking about it, makes me want to take a shower.
Month 8: I finally came clean to my friends. They're appalled. They hate him now. I still feel filthy. I can't get his smell off my body still.
Month 11: The anniversary is soon. What am I going to do?
Year 1: I haven't spoken to him in months. I haven't thought about it in days. I still feel as if hes on top of me, why can't I wash him away?

Its an uphill battle with myself and others. Some days I can't get out of bed or even feel like breathing.
But I try not to let him get to me. Because if he sees my weakness from what hes done,
He's won.

Do you know how it feels
To get dressed up only to be ignored when you arrive
Do you know what it's like
To have eyes rolled at you,
and ***** whispers overheard
Do you know how it feels
To walk faster down the street
To escape the filthy names and laughs
Can you imagine the way that ruins your day
Breaks your spirit, robs you of your joy
I know how that feels
Like a pain that won't go away
Numbing, overwhelming, a pain that makes you cry
You reach out to anyone, anyone who will listen
And pour out your heart, as if that will make it better
And you go to sleep, cover your head, cover your eyes
And sometimes the pain makes you give in and die
How much can we each take
Each of us has a limit
Of the pain others cause us
Just because we're living

©Lj Mark 2015