A flick and toss
Is no win nor loss
If the coin remains in your hand

Heads and tails
Never fails
If you allow the coin to land

So give a throw
You never know
What destiny has planned

Math seems too abstract to put to any practical use.
Yet linear algebra is how the world of computers works, they say.
It must be a love affair with my spacial and numbers brain.
The ***** is imagination
And the ****** is common sense.
I'm awful at creating new ideas.
It is the way all those symbols make me feel stupid.
How am I even supposed to know if I get the problems right without a teacher?
Someone I can go to for help.
I don't mean things like Google search, stackexchange, or freemathhelp.
I mean someone I can rely on to always see me through a problem.
In a way it's as if my math was stuck in history, and I have to come up with all the answers for the last 100 years.
Like, "oh boy", too bad for civilization.
Maybe my one hope right now is that I come up with a new way to find the answer.
See, math requires hope.
Because love gets embittered.
Love gets tested.
Hope but the size of a mustard seed that makes me crack the book.

Even if math isn't making much sense, I still must find a path of sense through it.
Trudge, trudge.
Trudging means lifting my feet out of the mud every time I take a step.
The mud can get thick, taking more time between studies to approach with a fresh perspective.

Math, from addition to tangent bundles, is more like every principle is of the same level of complexity.
It is only adding to others that makes them confusing.

I want to say "good bye Alyssa",
Not just "see ya".
I want to tell you that I love you,
And always miss ya.
You pay attention to the news,
You study and reflect.
I meet the daughter of my dreams, and her beautiful husband.

Words.
That name seems to have more meaning than how I perceive things.

While they spent a couple years in college learning calculus, I was emotionally imbalanced and so behaviorally challenged.
When I was on meds and learning music, they were learning differential equations, linear algebra, and real analysis.
When I changed majors to philosophy of religion, they were reading hundreds of math papers from journals in grad school.
When I was getting a master's in criminal justice, taking my first statistics course, they were working on their dissertation.
When I was getting an electronics degree, they were getting published and doing research at universities.

After that I started studying physics, then math.
I struggle still to finish basic Calc 2&3 problems, and find it hard to get help with linear algebra.
All I know is that my trajectory is anything but common.
And the way I cover material would not be taught in most schools and universities.
It is more like the Montessori schools: I have an innate path to psychological development, and I act freely, supposedly creating my optimal way.