One year. It felt like a cloudy night sky.
Nothing. Darkness, suffocating, painful darkness.
And then, occasionally, there were fireworks.
Moments of joy that last for seconds, until they fade away.

I’ve been trudging through this darkness
With no progress, no developments
Beyond who I am inside.
But the world doesn’t stop turning.

I still feel inadequate and talentless.
I still feel like an empty void
That has it together well enough that no one would look inside.
But I’m about to tear apart.

I need to do something!
I can’t be a parasite.
But there’s nothing I can do.
I feel so wrong.

Help me so I don’t need help.

I'm losing touch.
I'm drifting away, never to return.
I can barely fight, my courage,
Vanished, vainquished, lost in pain.

How must I get to what I desire
When I can't even feel myself breathing?
How must I show competence
In anything, with this pain imprisoning me?

Free me from this husk,
And bring me to life.

I'm falling through the atmosphere,
Burning up, scorching my skin
Unstoppable, to my own demise.

But is it really death to be free?
Stuck between gravity and a hard place
I let go, and flare up majestically.

I'd rather be a shooting star
Ephemeral and destructive
Than a prisoner of my own fate.

I'm dropping down, and out.

Am I really where I want to be?
Is this the path I chose, or the safest I picked?
Is there truly a prize at the end of this road?
And if there is, can I reach it wholeheartedly?

There is like a wall between me and those around me.
I don’t belong; I’m missing something.
I don’t have that unyielding passion.
I am bothered by too many things.

So I should just run away!
Run towards my goal, ***** the beaten path!
The scream of my soul will drown out the hardships!
This! Is! Who! I! Am!

If only it were that easy…

I once was laying in fields of verdant grass
Relaxing, feeling the wind caressing my face.
There, a sparrow flew by
Agile in this shining morning sky.

As it flew to its peaceful nest
Did it ask itself, “is this how I must?”
As this fleeting moment came to an end,
The sparrow flew away, far from me.

Now that I have lost it,
I wonder where it’s gone, and where it’s been,
And if I’ll ever see it again,
Bringing with it those moments of peace.

My body is a temple
To which I’ve lost the key.
Everyone thinks its outside is wonderful
But I, inside, see how vile it is.

It’s easy to judge beauty
When you’re beholding, and not being.
I feel trapped inside a giant of stone
Unwavering and unbearable.

I want to be vulnerable.
To feel pain, joy, and sorrow.
So why, why?
Why must I remain in this stoic prison?

How can I explain such a thing as
The other “me” that exists within?
How am I supposed to explain
This forbidden feeling, deep in my chest?

I’m not straightforward, I’m really not.
I appear as such, but I really am
A curved road full of twists and turns.
That’s something I never could dare to admit.

I only feel safe among my friends.
I’m not all that surprised, but
How can I possibly say to them
That they’ve lived with someone who isn’t honest?

Honest with them, or with myself.