This isn't really a poem but more a statement that I'll elaborate on in length.

I really think you just have to love 100%. I have a commitment problem aside from loving. I even took a stupid test on it for a class; I'm interested in everything and genuinely committed to very little. I lack substance because of it and I know it. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing so until then I just love.

I love indefinitely and those who maybe don't deserve it. I'm friends with my exes and let me tell you that's a whole ton of love because these boys broke my heart and I found a way to love them anyway. I broke their hearts too, and I'm so **** greatful they found a way to let me back in.

I love the people that are annoyed or bothered by me because they give me perspective. Maybe they know something I don't, that a flaw I have can be improved upon. I don't always give these people much weight in my life, but I love them anyway.

I love my family even if these people make me want to scream into a pillow. I love my parents in spite of the fact that I'm scared they don't love each other, and that hurts me. I love my brothers and you know what? I should tell them more, but the best way I know how is to listen when my older brother tells a story for too long and let my little brother drive so he can get some more practice.

I love my friends so much. Again, commitment issues means I have a lot of friends and I love really far and wide because only having a few friends scares me; if they leave, I'm alone. It helps and it hurts that this is how I love; some days I feel so lonely and others I feel like I know the world and somehow, all these people appreciate and love me even if it's tiny and ephemeral.

I love the people I've befriended because they're my extended family. They're the long drives with long conversations about life, the people I talk in accents with, the people I call when I'm crying and snotty and hurting. They're the concerts and the walks in the park, the occasionally coffee dates and "hey let's catch up" and hope we actually do.

These are the people I want to buy little things for so they know someone thinks about them. These are the people I randomly text so they know they're on my mind. These are the people I want to write long letters to explaining why I love and appreciate them, even if all we ever had was a class together.

And loving as much as I do kicks my *** sometimes. I love too much; it scares some people away. I love in excess, so much that some people can't handle it and feel uncomfortable or stray. I know my love can be mistaken for fake, for needy, for romantic and for naïve. Regardless, I love anyway.

I understand and my love will never be quiet or contained and some days I wish I only loved so many people that I could count them off with my two hands, but that simply isn't me. I don't know how to commit to loving only a few and loving them to what they deserve. I've poured my love meant for particular people out and I can't take that back, and give it to someone else. I can't reclaim the love I've given away.

The grass is greener where you water it and my love is a ******* monsoon over a drought-ridden field; I swear my love within myself grew as the numbers of people I love grew too. I don't have a yard, I have a plain. I don't have a rain cloud, I have a storm.

Maybe with age and experience those numbers will dwindle and I'll come to see that loving few is best for me. Until then though, all I have is a pouring love for anyone who doesn't mind getting a little wet. I have a love that may not be all you need but a part of what you seek, and I can solely commit to saying that that's enough for me.

Zquil
Tumblr
Reading
Pacing
Eating
Crying
Chores
Journaling
Prayi­ng
Talking to myself
Ripping up old letters, photos
Drawing on myself

All of the above ensure I hit my bed exhausted, exhausted enough to fall asleep instantly so I don't have to lay here and wonder how we became strangers and how it's almost stranger that neither of us care to share that it's sad so we let it be, let it rest until none of that puts me to sleep and I sit here and drown in my thoughts, suffocated by the fact that it's all ******* over and the photos are mere memories and there won't be more photos, there won't be more memories to create because you are so far gone.

All of the above ensure I hit my bed, exhausted enough to fall asleep instantly so I don't have to feel and acknowledge that losing people is piercing my heart. Being numb and indifferent is so much easier when you're too tired to acknowledge how you really feel.

I keep busy during the day, tire myself out, and hope to God I'm so exhausted that I sleep for hours until I do it all over again. There's a solid 8 hours I don't have to acknowledge any of this is real and the sooner I'm there, the more numb I feel and at this rate I don't want to feel this at all.

I don't have enough peace of mind because I know that people I love and so many more have been ***** or assaulted.

9. I don't have enough time to tell you why **** culture perpetuates that my hemline means I'm asking for it.

8. I don't have enough ignorance to somehow accept and laugh at a **** joke.

7. I don't have enough tolerance for "we were wasted" and "she didn't say no".

6. I don't have enough audacity to ask people what they were wearing, if they were sober, if they had yelled for help, if they had said no when they were attacked. A victim is a victim.

5. I don't have enough strength to give to people who have been hurt like this- all the strength in the world sometimes is not enough.

4. I don't have enough comfort for people who have been hurt like this- how do you comfort someone who has been hurt in such a demeaning, invasive way? Is there comfort at all?

3. I don't have enough voice from my lungs to yell about why we need to teach our sons and daughters about what it means to consent, what it means to respect another human.

2. I don't have enough support for the people that come forward, yet I also don't have enough sympathy for the people that are too petrified.

1. I don't have enough words for how much my heart aches for survivors, and how much hope I have for the people out there who persevere and overcome what has happened to them.

For every reason I gave, I also know a person who has been assaulted or *****. Try to give me 10 reasons why I shouldn't put up a fight against **** and **** culture, against respecting others, against people who attack others. Try to give me 10 reasons why I shouldn't speak on behalf of people who sometimes spoke but were not heard by a blatant disregarding partner, stranger, neighbor, relative, parent, sibling, best friend, co worker, acquaintance. Try giving your 10 reasons to the 10 girls I know and then the 10 girls and even guys they know. Try telling a survivor that they asked for it, they wanted it, they should get over it, they should dress differently, they should let it go.

*I do not have enough fingers to count off the people I know that have been ***** or assaulted but I have enough humanity in me to fight the people that made me start counting in the first place.

Last day of 2014 and I have the best feeling that 2015 will be something bigger and better than I can comprehend at this moment.

2014 kicked my ***, broke my heart and taught me to have a backbone. It taught me how to love and how to let love go, and how to let some love come back. It taught me that family isn't just blood; family is who, as corny as it may be, makes you feel at home. It taught me to hold others when they need it and to not be so ashamed of asking to be held back.

2014 taught me to be my own person, and how being my own allows me to be so much more for others too. This year showed me so much heartache and growth, pain and joy. I learned that friends can love beyond what you deserve and parents, no matter how frustrating, do just the same. I learned that the nights I didn't sleep were some of my favorite memories, and some were my favorite lessons.

I learned that the fine line of love is more like a river that you either clear or drown and the only way to stay afloat is to learn to swim. You have to jump in without hesitation. I learned that netflix really is my best friend and the people that binge watch with me are a close second. I learned that waiting for someone who meets my expectations is worth the wait rather than settling for second best, and that telling other people about their worth is worthwhile in itself. I learned that loving others is the only way I will make it out of this life alive with a sense that I did something right.

2014, in all honesty, was a year of love for me. I fell in love with a wonderful person who I learned infinitely from. I fell out of love with the same person and learned even more from that. I fell in love with my family, even if they are the people that hurt me the most. I fell in love with the way concerts and music makes me feel more than anything else. I fell in love with the friends I have because they love me back, in the most honest and unconditional way possible. I fell in love with the way it feels to love myself and above all else I fell in love with myself.

Throughout this year of tribulation I found the courage to love me and tell everyone about it, because self love is a treasure some dream of, some eye at, and one that only the bravest find.

Above all else I learned that love isn't defined in any song or movie or book. It's what you make of it. It's the phone calls to say hello to far away friends and the hug at your worst. It's the child kissing a mother, it's the big anniversary date and it's the spontaneous adventure with someone you care about. Love is flipping the penny to heads up so someone else has luck, and it's a wet kiss when you're too drunk to even make it back to bed. Love is a shout into a canyon where your own echo may be all you hear, and it's the hope that someone else's echo someday responds back. Love is unconditional positive regard and telling people to get their **** together when you know they need it. Love is this and so much more. Remember that love isn't cookie cut and neatly packaged; it's raw and real, and it comes in a variety of forms. Don't be blind to love because it doesn't fit your preset mentality of what love is supposed to be. This is how you lose beautiful people, by not recognizing their personal love.

2014 is ending and 2015 will begin; I hope you all make it something worth telling about. Find the love in the people you know and the things you do; love hard and love well. Let go of the love for people who don't love you back, but keep your eyes open for love because I swear to God it is everywhere. If you let yourself believe that it is not only abundant, but that you are also so entirely worthy of having it, I promise your 2015 will be more than you can comprehend too.

The early risers haven't awoken yet,
And the parties are just dying down.

When I'm at awake and alone at 4 am,
I drive around this town-

Through the quiet neighborhoods,
Sedentary stop lights,

Waiting for cars to change them
Through the wee hours of the night.

Driving along the dark streets
With nothing but my radio and my mind,

I find solitude and peace,
Something rather hard to find.

At 4 am, the hour of awake and alone,
I find myself driving amongst the others like me-

Unwilling to shut eyes,
And always willing to roam.

You promised to take me to the woods and sleep with me under the stars,
You promised me an adventure,
And by God you took me on one-

You weaved me through forest just trying to find you,
Searching for your remnants in the fallen leaves and branches scattered across the forest floor
You led me to a tall tree where I could carve our names into the wood, as selfish as that was,
And deface beautiful Mother Nature because I thought our love was also as breathtaking as she.

Our love was breathtaking-
You whisked me away and ran us to the tops of mountains.
You took me to peaks where I felt alive,
And valleys where I felt so down to earth I could've melted into the paths we paved
The same way I did every time your arms wrapped around my waist
And your head rested on my shoulder,
And you whispered in my ears about how you didn't want to be anywhere else.

I jumped rocks and cliffs with you,
Falling so hard and fast the same way I did
Any time you looked at me with those patient eyes,
Any time you found the time to hold me and love me in any way you could muster.
I fell into water and your sea eyes any time I jumped;
You made me fall so **** hard.

You took me to the edges of sunsets
That never rivaled the way your smile shined
When I told you I loved you,
Or rivaled the way your face looked when you laughed.
You had Mother Nature beat when it came to beauty.
You had me beat when I tried to find a reason to be upset you never actually took me on an adventure like you promised,

Maybe because falling in love with you was an adventure all in itself;
You left me blistered, aching and sore.
But I left you with the world in my eyes, the sea dripping from them,
The mountains weighing on my heart
And the shores soaking my soul because venturing into your world meant I had left my own,

And it took me so much **** time trying to find a path back to mine.
You took me for one hell of an adventure,
And the paths you treaded left footprints in my heart
That are blown away but aren't forgotten.

You promised to take me out to see the sights and walk the world-
Falling in love with you took me for an adventure that you didn't plan for,
And one I couldn't sustain much longer.

That's the thing about you, us, adventures-
They're thrilling and beautiful,
Breathtaking and wild.
They come to an end though,
And the adventure you took me on stained me with a sense of wanderlust you'll never come to see or know.

Get down on one knee to tie my shoelaces before you get down to propose.
Lead me up a mountain before you have my father lead me down an aisle.
Hold my hand to steady my balance before you hold it as we drive across town.
Show me the world before you give it to me.

There's a lot to see, and I intend on seeing it all.
If you are lucky, maybe I'll want to travel your veins and thoughts and heart as much as I want to travel this world.
Maybe if you come with me, I can see both;

The world around me, and the one I could have with you.

They say that just because someone doesn't show affection in the same way you do doesn't mean that they don't care or love you.

I believe it. We can't all be silent lovers, we can't all be screaming it from rooftops either.

I understand it. We're all different people, with differing tactics and ideas of what it means to love and care.

But **** if I don't know any better way to love than to tell someone what they mean to me, to always kiss before I leave and kiss hard, nothing soft and forgetable. I don't know anything better than drunk calls confessing how much I like you, or loud laughs at your stupid puns.

I don't see love in quiet embraces and glances and iridescent, see-through compliments. I don't see it in tolerance. I don't see love in those things.

I see it in 2 am talks when you're tired but hell, maybe I like you more when you're half-asleep in my bed. I see it in scratch marks down my back and hands grabbing at my hips. I see it in consistent, small efforts. What you do every day says a lot more than what you do every once in awhile to me. I see it in the little reminders and notions that I'm on your mind, that I'm someone in your tangled, messy brain.

I need something tangible. I can't love someone with my lips closed unless they're closed by yours in a kiss. I can't love anyone who can't shout it back to me. I can't feel for someone who only feels my skin with his finger tips, and can't make me feel any other way. I can't do that kind of love.

So, everyone shows affection differently. I'll paint it in the sky for you, shout it from rooftops and proclaim it for everyone to hear. I'll write you and kiss you in the rain and make you breakfast and whisper "I love you" when we watch movies and tickle your feet and admire you naked and press you against a wall. I'll tell you you're beautiful. I'll love you with all I have.

If anyone out there loves with all they have, then maybe we could disregard what they say, that everyone shows affection differently, and show it how we know best-

*Loudly, openly, compulsively, whole-heartedly.

Airports make me anxious.
There is too much going on, too many gates and times and delays and people.
They are ***** and crowded. They make me feel small and tiny, iridescent.
They are good for people-watching and spending too much on rather cheap food.
Airports make people obnoxious. People forget their manners as they scramble to the flight that they're already late for, bumping into me along the way with no apology offered.
Airports are huge, massive. Their size is daunting to me; I can so easily get lost and deviate from the path that leads me to the correct gate.
Airports are lonely. Nobody makes eye contact anymore with strangers, so I'll sit alone and read a book and maybe drink some tea or coffee, occasionally looking up to see if anyones looking at me.
Frankly, I do not enjoy airports. But I enjoy you.
So I will sit in an airport someday, sitting cross-legged and reading near a window. I will listen to some music and ponder whatever comes to mind until my flight arrives and it's time to board. I will board my plane, leaving behind the bothersome airport to come see you.

I spent too much on the ticket,
Spent more than I should on a fare.
I spent too long en route,
Too long on a plane in the air.

I touched down and felt my temples pulse,
My body stiff from sitting for so long-
I didn't know if this would be worth it,
Nor did I know if I'd been wrong.

Was this worth the effort?
Was this worth the time?
My questions had answers
When I finally saw your eyes shine-

In an airport terminal,
Across the way from me.
The tickets didn't matter,
Nor did my sore body.

The distance disappeared,
Your hands found my frame-
You're holding me and you whisper,
*"I'm so glad you came."

Your veins allure me,
The way they create currents in your skin
Along your arms.
I ponder what makes your heart beat so fast
That blood pumps through them faster than it should.
Where have you been cut?
Can I slide into one of the slices so I can swim your veins
And be a part of you?
Can I nest in your heart and make a home there?
You've got permanent residence in mine,
Because have you seen yourself?
You're as beautiful as the sunsets and oceans and trees and beyond what the all magazines say.
You're as alluring as the veins in your arms that rise up in your skin.
Let me in, let me swim your veins and mind.
Can I make your blood pump?
Will your veined arms hold me?
I'd let you into my blood stream
If you'd let me into yours.
Can I make your blood pump?
The way you have no idea you're utterly breathtaking sure gets mine flowing.
If you ever feel a slice again,
I'll kiss at it until you've healed
And I'll show you my scars too.
Your veins allure me,
But dear, the rest of you keeps me 'round.
When you're ready, I'd love to trace your veins with my fingertips
And then my lips.

Photos of you make me smile
Almost as much as you used to make me yourself.

Seeing that you're enjoying yourself is great,
Almost as much as I used to enjoy being with you.

Knowing you're at peace, you're content
Is almost as terrific as how I felt when you'd kiss me goodnight.

Your smile surely lights up your face
Just as a smile used to light up mine when you said you loved me.

Your heart is open and new and refreshed,
Just as I am now that I don't hold it.

Your heart was nice to hold
Until it became too heavy.

It weighed me down, anchored me
To the thought that there was only you.

Trust me, I love you still.
But not as much as I used to.

Trust me, some days I hurt.
But not as much as I used to.

Trust me, we are better off this way,
So much better than we used to be.

I can fondly say that you being happy
Makes me happy also.

It's notably sad that we couldn't be happy together,
But it's okay.

I'm okay, you're okay, we will move forward and move on,
Almost to the point where I forget what you smell like,

To the point where I forget your mannerisms,
Your quirks and faults and tendencies.

But I won't forget your lips on my neck,
Or your love of dancing with me.

I won't forget how much you loved me,
enough to save me until I learned to save myself.

You leaving is actually a testament to how much you helped me;
You saved me so that I could learn to do so independently.

And you left.
And I saved myself.

And I wrote this.
And I smiled.

I smiled, looked at a photo of you,
And smiled again because I know we are happy.

We are separate, happy, and okay.
What more could I ask for?

It's disheartening
When apologies carry
So little weight that

They nearly get lost
Within the so incoherent
Buzz your voice now makes-

All the things you have
To say are so severely
Lacking truth, merit.

"I don't believe your
Apologies anymore."
You used to tell me.

I understand now,
The weight those words carry hit
The cement with an

Echo that screams with
A resounding statement; *"I
Don't believe yours either."

And I close my eyes
Memories run violently
Horses in panic

Beating their hooves down
Into charred soil from a fire
Run to safe havens

My eyes open now
I feel panic and wild flames
And then I will run

Towards what I want most
While inferno licks my heels
Telling me I'm wrong

Running to defeat
Repetition isn't new
I always need you

Admitting to that
Sends fires to burn away
Killing memories

My eyes close again
Thoughts and dreams of us are gone
No longer bonded

And maybe that is
What scares me the most here, now
You're no longer here

A ghost of the past
But can't haunt my sleep, my dreams
Your presence is dead

I worry that I'll
Forget you all together
Because we are through

You are out of sight
I don't have to close my eyes
You are out of mind

And I am afraid
Losing you all together
Do I care or not?

I spent an hour in bed
Cuddled up, thoughts of you in my head
I spent an hour pondering about you
And realized that you haven't a clue

I spent an hour in bed
Feeling sleepy and heavy as lead
Because sometimes I let myself emulate my feelings
And lay around, staring at the ceiling

I spent an hour in bed
As quiet as if I were dead
Because my thoughts are swimming
Therefore, my demons are winning

Put me on the plane
Let's go somewhere far away
Just us, me and you.

Brazil, France, London,
Italy, Spain, Greece, Beijing,
Russia, Ireland.

I just want to go
Somewhere enticing and new,
Anywhere with you.

I firmly believe that everything happens for an implicit and explicit reason.

For example, I am attending community college because I decided to.

I am also attending community college because I was meant to begin my collegiate endeavors there. It wasn't my first choice, but since deciding to do so it has panned out to be the best choice for me in so many different ways.

So, everything occurs for implicit and explicit reasons. Events occur, decisions are made because we made them so, but it was also supposed to be that way. I suppose this is my confirmation in my faith of fate, a preordained future of sorts. I believe that everything happens for a reason, good or bad, so we can grown and learn; if things were different though, everything else would be too. The smallest of details alter the larger picture.

With that said, I've realized the course of events sometimes ****. A lot. Sometimes you lose people, you lose faith, you lose your footing, you just lose in total and it hurts a lot. But you have to lose sometimes, no matter how much it *****. The hard times are as important as the good; both have integral lessons in them, and only experience will unlock the knowledge you need to move on and tread new paths cautiously, with more knowledge, bravery and with more ease.

Losing is inevitable; we are like trees in that year in, year out, we grow a little more and let go of the heavy leaves stopping us from doing just that.

Sometimes you're the tree, in need of losing some of those weighty leaves. Sometimes you're the leaves, the weight upon someone else's tree. I'm sad to say I was a leaf, but I'm not sad that I went through being a leaf. I've learned, through being a leaf, that I can hurt people with my words and actions. I learned that I can be really selfish, usually at the expense of others. I learned I'm condescending, I say one thing but do another. I don't always practice what I preach, I talk about love then demonstrate indifference.

I was meant to be a leaf and it's because my actions made me so; I took advantage of him until he realized that I was doing so. I was meant to be a leaf because it taught me and him a vast lesson that people will let you down, people will leave, people will ruin you, people will love you in the most twisted ways, people will confuse you, people will use you, people will not keep promises, people won't always explain, people will **** up and make you lose faith in everyone else.

I was meant to be a leaf, as horrible as that is, to teach all of that to him and I was a terrific teacher to a horrible lesson. Everything happens for a reason; explicitly, I don't have the privilege of being in his life because I was horrible. Implicitly, I wasn't meant to be there for long anyway, because I was toxic and confusing. The small spurts of happiness and enjoyment I provided never fully compensated for the pain, anger, heart break and damage I'd leave behind.

So, I cope with that everything happens for a reason. Someday there will be someone to repair him and fix his faith and help him realize why we didn't work. Someone else out there will be a 180 from me and she'll actually do a good job in loving him. Everything happens for a reason, and that's about the only way I can somehow come to terms with what I've done.

Progress is slow, and if I am not patient or kind to myself in the process of progressing, I will cease to make any.

Progress appears more and more over time. If I don't give it time, I will have squandered any chances of moving forward.

Scientifically, we are made up of a combination of atoms that somehow resulted in spinning minds and thirsty hearts, soft skin and aching bones.

I heard somewhere that if the atoms of an object could spread far enough apart, we could pass through anything.

If we are merely atoms, I suppose I spread mine so far that you passed through me.

You came through me, you hit my bloodstream and God was it a rush.

My atoms reacted with yours and it felt like they started to merge into one.

I felt you become a part of my spinning mind, my thirsty heart, my soft skin and my aching bones.

I spread myself so far so that you could really see who I was and before I knew it you had passed through me.

My atoms are tinged with specks of yours and I can't get you out of what makes up who I am.

This is why I miss you with all that I have.

Attempt to replace the way
I'd make you feel between the sheets,
Or the way I could feel you without
Even touching your skin.

Attempt to forget how
I'd cling to your body as
You made love to me
At 1 in the afternoon,

As we would attempt to make what we felt
Tangible by my hands gripping your thighs,
Your lips speckling my neck with kisses,
Our bodies intertwining to merge together.

Attempt to remember the way
I'd stare at you, getting dressed
And wondering how I could have
Let you leave bed in the first place.

I'd attempt to fight every urge
To pull you back into bed,
To trace your contours and curves-
I wanted to hang of your body like your clothing instead.

Attempt to find someone who
Will lay with you after and
Stroke the small of your back
While you catch your breath.

Attempt to love someone
Who will love you beyond
The bed sheets and closed doors-
I at least tried to.

A year ago I would've killed to have you say "miss you",
But now you're too busy killing your liver to even remember our last conversation.

A year ago I could have listened to you talk for days,
But now I listen to your slurred speech and you covering the phone to answer someone else.

A year ago I would have taken every call from you,
But now I take them so I know you're simply still somehow alive.

A year ago I did miss you,
Now that's the person I still miss, if I even ever come close to actually feeling for you.

A year ago my grandma said you would someday miss me as she wiped tears from my eyes.
Now it's that someday she spoke of and I can only wonder how drunk you may be.

A year ago you missed me by not caring;
Now I'm returning the favor.

And if my kid ever comes to me with tear stained cheeks because they loved someone too much,
They love like I do,
I'll hold them and say,

"Baby, your heart is big enough for the two of us, like the popcorn bucket at the movies-
It's absolutely HUGE:
Surely you could share it with just about everyone in the theater, but you'll be left with nothing.
Yes, sharing is good. But you can't deal out your heart like a deck of cards to people with flimsy hands who can't grasp what you deliver.

Baby, you love entirely. Your whole soul loves the way the ocean envelopes the sand during high tide. You wash over the beaches and create storms that can scare people away. Baby, someone will see the calm in your storm and stay. I promise.

Baby, you love deeply. Yet again you are an ocean and not everyone can dive deep down like you do. The snorkel set will do no justice for the depths your heart reaches. Wait for a deep diver who isn't afraid of the dark, when your darkest parts come to light and your deep diver sees you for who you are. Wait for the person who is going to shine a light and create a new current in your life.

Baby, you gotta open up your heart but know when to shut it. You don't deserve anything less than the best. Forget what people say, remember what you feel. You have a heart of pure gold and no fool deserves to eye at it. You deserve someone who is going to love you like you love them, or someone who will teach you that love is more than what you already know. Love those who love you back my dear.

Speaking of shutting, don't ever think shutting everyone out means you'll be safe. Life is meant for love. So don't cork off like those little model ships in bottles. You know what a ship is good for? Sailing. Send your heart sailing through all the turmoil until you see the horizon. You know what your heart is good for? Loving. Don't bottle yourself up baby.

My baby, you're going to mess up. Someone you love will mess up too. Love them through the mess, hug it out and move on. Let love be what gets you through the scrapes and cuts when you fall down or trip over trivial tribulations.

Baby, as much as you love others, you gotta love yourself. You gotta love your toes and your limbs, your eyes and your lungs. You have to love your brain and veins, your skin and your self. No one will ever be able to love you the way you should love yourself, not even me sweet pea. Love you the way you want to be loved.

And baby, you'll get hurt. Love again. Love love love. Love until it's a native language you can only show people. Love until it's a language you know fluently. Love until it is your creed, your life, your way. Love is loving yourself, to fight for what you deserve, fighting alongside people that you love, and always loving with all you got. Baby, love the only way we have ever know-

Wholly, genuinely, openly, loudly.

Just love baby, love the way I love you."

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You shed tears.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You curse out loud, give voice to your fears.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think of all of the things you haven't done yet.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You ask Him if this is a safe bet.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You dream of the day you'll be free.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You just try to stay calm and breathe.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're afraid of falling asleep.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You know what you want others to keep.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
There are people you want to forgive.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You wonder how long you're going to live.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You loathe what you can't control.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
No matter how many blankets you pile on, will you still feel cold?

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You remember your first kiss.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You understand you'll always be missed.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You struggle with regular tasks.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
Your face no longer resembles an emotionless mask.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You let your emotions show.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think about the time you'll have to go.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're satisfied with your life.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
Is there anything you'd be willing to sacrifice?

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You stare a yourself in the full length mirror.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You wonder when answers will become clearer.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think of your loved ones.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You reminisce on hunting and guns.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
Your parents talk to you.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You just want to start anew.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You stay optimistic.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You let it all go and become ballistic.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're tired of taking all the pills.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You feel death's constant chill.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You read like you always have.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
This all makes you ****** mad.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You fall to your knees and pray.
I know that behind closed doors,
We're all happy you're here today.

When you go, open my closed doors,
And please watch over me.
Because when I'm behind a closed door,
I'll be waiting for you to comfort me.

You are more than meets
The eye, hence why I regret
Being so **** blind.

The ink is dry and the pages are turned,
The words have been said, our candle has burned

Down to the bare wick, wax creating pools upon the floor-
Burning into the night until no more.

Burning fuel and fire until it was gone,
Continuing on until we realized it was wrong

To light a match to a candle that would soon cease,
One that wouldn't light us to a path of ease.

The candle blew out, the place became cold,
As did my hands when they had nothing to hold.

You blew out my flame, a fire in my eyes-
All you had to do was say your goodbyes.

Surely the sunrise is enough light for me to see,
But the nighttime leaves me blind as could be-

I am blinded by the "miss you's" and the forgotten calls
Of when I answered and began to fall.

Surely the sunrise is a sign of a new day,
Thought what isn't new is what I continue to say-

Of course I miss you, of course I care,
Yet telling you would elicit a blank stare.

I know what we are, I know where we stand,
Though I bet sometimes you miss the touch of my hands.

My hands don't matter though,
And coming up empty handed is how I show

That the feeling of you slipping through my fingers
Will be the only trace of you that will ever linger.

Candles only crumple into themselves and melt, then harden went they're burnt out;

I can see myself the same because you lit matches to me that ignited more than the wick,

More and more, burning into the night just trying to guide the way and keep you warm.

Morning comes, the sun rises too, and with light you don't need a candle to show the way.

Day in and day out, you put me aside. But when the night came about and darkness fell upon your mind, casting shadows upon your heart, you were quick to light a match to me just one more time.

Burnt, hardened and gone; the cold winds from your breathy, diluted and icy moments of speak blew me out one last time.

I understand you don't need me, but please don't reach for me in the dark or light a match to a wick you once knew because you're cold and lost and can't find your way to someone else.

You once took all the light inside of me away; doubtfully so, but if you haven't lost the ways I'd light up your life, I suggest that you get to it because though you haven't, the ways you darkened mine have yet to be forgot.

There are those you get over,
Those you let go of and let float away like balloons in the breeze.
There are those you take off
Like the heavy winter coat when the sun comes out and introduces spring,
A new life without them.

Then there are those that you learn to live without.
The ones that you take off like a coat and learn to embrace the chill when you find out the coat is no longer your size.
The ones that you let go of but watch as they dance away in the breeze so freely now that you've released your grip.

You kept out the cold
And now I get chills
Because I can't ever put you on-

There are those you let go,
And those you wish you still knew.
You're the coat I wish I never outgrew.

Today it hit me that you saved my life,
And I cried.

It hit me that out love never coincided-
I wanted passion, you wanted respect.

I understood that your love
Was intended to support me

Until I could support myself-
Then, it would disappear.

My love prevailed and probably
Will until I die;

You don't stop loving someone
Just because you said good bye.

Our love didn't coincide,
And realizing that helped me see

That it never will.
You will always be you,

I will forever be me,
And we won't be an "us"

Or a "we" ever again.
Our love didn't coincide,

And understanding
Set me free

Some moments I miss you miserably and others I feel you slip away even more.
Most morning you're the first thing on my mind.
I wonder how far gone you are and how close to someone else you could be.
I wonder if rain on your window reminds you of that one kiss because I still think about it.
Hopefully writing about it doesn't make me too weird.
I promise I've tried to let go. You keep coming back though.
And maybe you're feeling the breeze on your neck and you notice the flowers blooming and you feel yourself become lighter with all this freedoms
Then again you're so practical. I assume you don't look at freedom like that.
But maybe you at least feel renewed and ready to be all you can be.
Maybe you feel a sense of yourself, maybe you feel like you can make the most of who you are.
If you're with her, all I'm hoping is that you don't use her. I'm not implying you won't move on, but being by yourself helps. Sometime it helps more than another pair of lips on yours.
If you find her's taste like mine, stop.
If not, I only hope they make you smile mid kiss.
This is a moment when I miss you miserably.
The rain is hitting the window and it makes me miss your embrace, your patience and your eyes.
I miss you a lot but I am trying very hard to give myself a fair shot at this.
I'm trying to be on my own.
But if I find I am doing all I can and I still wake up to thoughts of you,
And I find that the rain still makes me think of you,
And how comforters remind me of laying around in your arms,
And how everyone somehow ******* reminds me of you,
I should be stupid and crazy and come back and try my hardest to somehow convince you I'm worth it.
I don't expect you to wait. I respect that you could be so far gone that coming back would hurt too much.
But if you're waking up to thoughts of me too,
All I ought to think of are ways to find you in this mess I made.

If you're waking up to thoughts of me,
We ought to just wake up to each other instead.

My skin is speckled
With small, dainty brown spots
Formed by genetics and
Too much sun exposure, too little sunscreen over the years.

Someone once called them angel kisses,
Indications where lips can fall
And rest momentarily,
Just as the angels did to create them.

They freckle my body
Like stars plastered across the sky;
Randomly placed, no real order.
Like ornaments, they are little imperfections to decorate me.

If you'd like,
If you'd please,
Kiss them one by one,
Connecting them into constellations.

Trace your lips along the spots
To form the Big Dipper,
Libra and Orion's Belt.
Your lips become thread this way,

Weaving through these marks
To sew me up, keep me together.
Your lips created a stitch,
Making me your personal constellation.

I'll shine as bright as those stars,
Gleam and glow in the dark as you kiss the spots
Across the landscape that is me,
Your lips ignited them into constellations,

And I'd never felt so *alive.

If anyone has the audacity
To solely look at the way I curve in a dress and cat-call out
That I am their "cup of tea",

I hope I burn their throat
And spill out of their saucer
When they realize that I've been brewing over this for awhile,

And I'm a bit too strong to swallow.

Today, I found beauty in hairy arms and a receding hairline.

My substitute for my English Literature class was a man. His name is Danny. He's short and a little fidgety, gesticulating with every word he speaks. His voice is moderately deep, strong and clear. He's attentive, though his fidgetiness makes him seem a bit scatter brained. His white t-shirt with a few buttons on the top and brown pants were rather plain. Rather, his attire was practical. Alongside his 5 o'clock shadow and glasses, he's average. He's your average middle-aged man, subbing an American Literature class.

But he isn't average. He's passionate. He knows what he's talking about. He's descriptive, knowledgeable, well-rounded. He's excited to examine and read and understand literature. He's genuinely excited to unearth the underlying meanings of our most recent readings. You can tell in his spazzy hand movements when he gets excited, or when he pushes his hair back and readjusts his glasses when he's in the middle of a thought. You can see it in his thoroughness of his explanations.  He's engaging- he talks to and with us, not at us. He loves his job, he loves his work, and it's very apparent.

So Danny is beautiful. I think he is beautiful because of his passion. It caught my attention and it has me hooked. For this first time this semester, I want to go to this class because I know he'll be there, eager to explain the reading and ask us what we think about it too.

People, I beg of you to be like Danny- find what you love, immerse yourself into it. Your passion for your work will flow out of you and captivate you to your core. When you're that invested, it becomes infectious. Others will be captivated and immersed as well, even if it is more so in you than it is in your passion. Passionate people are alluring and captivating. I think that's beautiful, more so than other things a person could be. It's beautiful to be so passionate about something that you exude and live it, almost as if your passion were the air you breathe.

I heard from you that it takes 21 days to form a habit.
It's been 3 days of falling asleep sad,
18 days of acknowledging all you did was say my name in vain to anyone that would listen,
25 days of not speaking to you,
67 days of not seeing you in person,
118 days since you told me I was ******,
121 days since I told you to leave me alone,
125 since you stayed the night at my house and talked to me until 3 am,
168 since we said good bye and I somehow just got out of the car and left,
169 since you last said you loved me.

They also say it takes twice as long as the duration of your relationship with someone to forget about them, to move on.
My dear, I'm not prepared to spend the next 3,650 days trying to forget how you'd laugh, or forget the mole on the bottom of your foot, or forget how you'd kiss at my scars and see past them and still had the audacity to tell me I was pretty and worthy of love. Every day those memories drop from my consciousness into a puddle that wells in the bottom of my heart, and I fear someday it'll overflow.

These days continue to pass, as do my memories of you and all that we shared. The days pass just like your feelings did for me and I wish you'd teach me your ways because you took days to let go and I've taken too many days holding onto someone who, one day, decided I wasn't even worthy of respect. And that was the day I decided to not ever go back. It was also the day I cried on my kitchen floor because the day came and went, just like you did, just like we hoped we never would.

Therapists suggest deep breaths
When those memories come rolling
Into my thoughts like trains
Hitting cement walls-

Destroying it, nothing left
But my deep ******* breaths; they aren't controlling
The fact that my brain
Won't forget those long gone calls.

So I panic, I revert, I concave
Into myself and shake and the
Anxiety encompasses my every fiber
Within my being.

Talking about it doesn't make me brave.
Talking about it makes me accept the shove
Into remembering. I become a diver
Unstilling the waves, no longer am I fleeing.

If I'm remembering, I am losing.
If I am conscious, I am at a loss for peace.
If I am ignoring, I am causing my heart's bruisings-
This is the part of me I control least.

You dipped your toe hesitantly into the water and pulled it right out.
I was already in, swimming freely as I forgot you were still on the shore.
I'd always taken to skinny dipping over bathing suits. I like the freedom, I like the way my bare skin feels in the water.
I turned around to see you looking out at me on from the shore, a hand over your eyes to shield them from the glaring, blazing sun.
I dipped my head below the water up to my nose, so you could only see my eyes as my hair fanned out over the water.
I could see it in the way you stood there alone- you were unsure. You were scared. The way you fingered at your shorts and the way you moved your hand from shading your eyes to instinctively rubbing at your hairline said it all. You were petrified of diving in like I had.

I used to be like that too.
I used to sit on the shore as the sun scalded my scalp and peppered my shoulders with little brown spots.
I used to dip my toes in and step back, watching the ripples go out in the water from my little interference.
I was afraid that ripple would unstill all of the solidity and security I had in my life.
I was afraid to make a scene, scream with joy as I crashed into the water.
I was afraid to be bare and seen and open to someone else, much less in broad day light.
I was afraid it would make me childish or foolish.
I was afraid to just go for it.
I was so afraid of getting in and feeling the waters chill and feeling insecure and ultimately feeling like I could get left alone there in my bare state, wondering how I could have been so open in the first place.

And one day, I realized diving in head first was the only way to go.
I couldn't live on the banks and only dip in my toes.
I couldn't go my whole life not knowing how to swim.
So one day, I jumped right in.
I screamed with joy.
I laughed as he splashed me and held me under the water and threw me around playfully.
He held me and it felt like something I can't describe.
We swam for some time until I realized I couldn't tread his waters anymore.
It felt like I was fighting to just stay afloat, like I was drowning ten times over.

I cried my own sea when he left.
So I know what it's like to tread this water alone.
I know how ******* scary it is to go underneath for 5 seconds and resurface to unstilled water and empty horizons.
I know how gut wrenching it is to dry yourself off alone and leave just the same.
I know how that can sometimes leave you with  the notion that not only do you not want to swim, but maybe you can't ever do it again.

I can't promise we'll swim together forever.
I can't promise we'll get out together either.
But you will never know if you don't dive in.
So when I watched you dip your toe in, I realized I needed to come get you myself.
Sometimes people can't just jump in.

I walked out of the water and grabbed your hand.
You sheepishly looked down, and I smiled and lifted your chin. I understand what you're feeling, trust me.
I saw the sun catch your eyelashes and make your eyes shine just a big brighter than they usually do.
I rose up on my tip toes and whispered into your ear, "Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and jump in. Dive right in and let me show you how to swim. I'll go first, and you can jump into my wake."

I turned and jumped without a second thought.
That's what you do when you're committed.

Maybe wouldn't follow.
Maybe you'd leave.
Maybe you'd scoff at what I'd said.
And that's the catch. Some people will.
But not you.
I resurfaced to catch you momentarily screaming as you hit the water.
I caught your moment of carefree, genuine joy.
You came up, water droplets falling from your hair down your face to return to the water.
Your eyes gave the water a run for it's money, they were so blue and bright I'd thought maybe the sea had met the sun and created them.
You smiled at me and laughed, loudly and heartily.
You swam to me and splashed my face, which made you laugh harder.
My smile must have been too big for my face because you hooked an arm around my waist, our feet lightly kicking each other as we tried to stay afloat.
You kissed my sundried lips and coyly offered,
"So, is this how you prefer to swim?"

Frankly yes, it is my preferred way-
Bare, all in, openly and freely, with little to no inhibitions.
I swim with the notion that I'm being as genuine and bare as I could ever be.
It's the same way I love people.
It's the same way I love you,
And it's how I hope you love me.

Do it for yourself,
And nobody else, because
You are left alone

At the end of the
Day with all of the choices
Only you have made.

You leave me wanting to dance and cry and write endless stanzas about your arms and lose sleep because you're keeping me awake with your words and warm lips. You leave me hopeless but I feel itty bits of hope regardless because your eyes remind me that there is more than meets the eye; they're blue like me when you're gone but so forgiving when I come back. I want to tear you apart and inject you into my own open veins. I want to walk away yet I walk in a circle right back to you. You're going to build me up so I can fall so hard later on but the free fall might just be worth it. The rush of the fall makes my blood boil the same way your hands in my hair does. The rush of air from falling cools the back of my neck where the hairs stand up whenever you draw circles on my skin with your fingertips. Don't let me fight a battle worth letting rest instead. Don't let me fight for you if you know you'll end up putting your knife through my heart in ways that can't be fixed with needles and thread. You leave me wanting you and I can't have you leaving me until you have to. Don't let me fight for you unless you'll fight with me. Please don't fight how you feel, be vulnerable like me and fall again. We'll leave bruised and aching but the free fall feels like the breeze in summer and water rushing over your warm body. I'll wash over you while I'm here and cleanse your eyes when I leave. It feels like euphoria when you kiss me. Don't let me fight alone.

It's always alarming that I can
Smile and sing the whole way home,
Windows down, hair dancing in the night air
As I drive along the empty roads and streets,

And as soon as my hands
Turn the key out of the ignition,
My sadness creeps up, paying the fare from my subconscious to my heart,
Where it resides until tears slip down my cheeks.

Even though I talk endlessly,

Much too long concerning unrelated topics,

I know you will

Listen and let me speak.

You don't know how much that means to me.

Turbulant winds have found their way

Along my shores and have made my sea

Yearn for a calmer crash-

Learning that I can crash and find peace again

Only occurred to me once I

Recognized your love.

Thinking back on all the people I

Have met in my life,

And all the ones I have let go,

Never mistake yourself for one that I would lose sight of because your

Kindness has inspired my own,

Your hearts giving mine a shot at being a better person, all while

Our paths overlapped into one that I'm so thankful for treading alongside with you.

Understand that you are genuinely one in a million in this vast world and you could

Lead by example in the way you love,

Or lead in the way you see beyond the surface level.

Venturing into my sea wasn't something you may have noticed, but

Eventually you dove right in and I don't feel the sea sting at my eyes anymore.

My life won't stop crashing because you're here, but I will surely be able to stay afloat now that you're by my side.

Even when you aren't with me, the things you have taught and shown me will stay.

God only knows I needed someone like you,

A person to light the way.

Night or day, you're like a lighthouse beaming through the fog when my world isn't clear-

Thank you for enhancing my joy, for keeping my fears at bay. I love you as vastly as the sea, as long the days continue on. Thank you thank you thank you for teaching me how to be strong.

Everything she wants is in her favorite things. It's in the songs she sings, the photos she reblogs, the movies she sees- she wants the tender, lengthy kisses she sees in films. She knows better than to expect it, but by God does she want it. The songs about adoration and indefinite love, about thinking she's a sight and lovely and beautiful, maybe even overwhelming and frightening- she wants it.

I want it. I want a mind-blowing love. And I want to hear about it. I don't want a silent lover; I want someone to yell about it from rooftops and sky scrapers to loud cities below.

I want a man who isn't afraid to tell me how he feels because he's afraid of losing me in the first place. I try to be this for others and I hope someday a man walks into my life and says, "My turn."

I know love isn't easy or picture perfect or always pretty, alluring or needed. But I love with my whole **** heart. I lay it out on the floor in your path to see if you'll run away, step on it, scoot around it or maybe pick it up and hand it back, saying, "Lay it down for someone else."

I want a man who will write the songs so they can be the soundtrack to our cinema of love and growth and adoration. It seems cliché, corny, unrealistic. Like a dream, like a fantasy. But why settle for an ordinary love? I want an out-of-this-world love that keeps me on my toes, keeps me with my wits, and keeps me alive. I want it to make my blood pump through my veins, I want it to make my blood boil. I want it in my veins, my eyes, my skin, my finger tips and *****. I want a man who lays his heart down in front of me, and asks for a trade.

She wants a love like the movies and songs. So, go give her a love that puts those **** movies and songs to shame. Kiss her as the sun comes up, kiss her as it sets. Hollow out her curves with your lips, kiss her where she likes herself least. Hold her. Remind her what she means to you, because she knows she's amazing and she won't wait for someone who doesn't show her that she is.

She is the song, the movie, the moment- now go sing of her, act alongside her, be alive with her. Do it. Just ******* do it. Love her with every ounce of your being, every molecule, because she's putting every fiber of her being into this and nothing more would light her up more than you loving her as much as she loves you.

Flower's petals fall,
Like the leaves of Autumn trees,
Like I did for you.

These things falling show
Us that losing your petals
And leaves is to die,

And falling for you
Felt like dying because you
Didn't fall with me.

If you are falling in love with collar bones,
Defined abdomens,
Back dimples,
Visible rib cages,
Thigh gaps,
Straight, white teeth,
Long, endless hair,
Spakling eyes,
Dainty fingers,
You are doing it wrong.

If you are falling in love with the way his collarbone slight juts out,
How his abdomen flexes when he's stretching in the morning,
How his back dimples are indications where you can rest your hands,
How her visible rib cage only means you have something to strum your fingers across before bed,
How her thigh gap is just apart of her exterior,
How her straight, white teeth look when she's smiling,
How her long, endless hair is perfect to run your fingers through,
How his sparkling eyes are always fixated on you,
How her dainty fingers always find yours,
You are doing it right.

we at least smile in photos, for quick flashes and seconds-

my want for a happy family never comes true, though my hope is continually beckoned

In the end all you have is family,
And I don't want any of this
Because this family doesn't know how to be one
And it doesn't know how to love or resist

Biting comments and surpassing our
Elders in what they didn't know-
That somehow 20 years later,
This family tree will cease to grow.

Surely I'll have children,
If I can be what I should for them,
But even if I have a daughter or a son,
The tree will still cease to grow again.

The tree died from the chill of your cold remarks
And lack of root in this home.
The tree stood now chance when we branched out,
The tree lost it's leaves and stood alone,

Like myself,
Away from the blood ties and similarities.
Sure, we share a last name,
But we can't share our insecurities.

We can't share our concerns or woes
In fear of being belittled or demeaned.
We can't share a **** dinner at a table
With somehow being scathing and mean.

We can't share a laugh
Because we are too busy tiptoeing
Around in fear of stepping on a foundational crack
That'll never stop growing

Until we learn that family really is all you have,
And could be all you need.
Until then though,
Each of us will leave.

The house will grow colder,
And no lights can illuminate this dark
That grew between us all,
And set us all apart.

I wouldn't surprise me if
I leave and don't come home,
Because home isn't a place but a feeling,
And this is where I feel colder than stone .

Someday I may have kids,
And they'll ask about you all.
I fear all I'll have for them
Is a telephone call

Because grandma will be in the city,
And grandpa will have an apartment alone,
The uncles will be far gone,
And none of us will ever know our way back home.

"The Earth laughs in flowers."
-Ralph Waldo-Emerson*

Maybe that's why,
in my dreams,
we are always in a garden-

You could always make me laugh.
You left me with
Smiles blooming upon my lips.

The Earth smiles in flowers.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson*

A year ago
I ceased to grow
Because I was stuck in your shade

And now I have roots,
And the length of me shoots
Deep into the soil.

I found stability in me
And strived to be
More than a girl someone could love.

The Earth smiles
In flowers for miles,
And my love grew a field.

I grew far and wide,
For I have nothing to hide-
I bloomed with patience and time.

A year ago,
I ceased to grow,
And now I'm here to state

That growing is slow,
But so long you know
That for good things to cultivate

You have to take an age-old
Tired and true approach,
And simply let the time pass.

Dear, you just have to *wait.

I teeter on the line of friend and more,
Tight-rope walking with arms out to balance me,
As if that gives me any stability in what I want from you.

I walk the fine line of your friend and more
Because I don't know where you stand about me-
Do you tight-rope walk the way I do?

Or do you stake claim in the friend side?
Do you wait for me, hoping for more?
Are you watching to see which way I fall?

I've already fallen for your eyes
And I'm sure you could catch me too.
Would you hold me though?

Would you let me sink into that embrace,
And maybe find a place in your arms
Wherein I fit perfectly?

Or do you balance me as quickly as I fall,
Making sure I stand sturdy
Without your aid?

I teeter the line of friend and more,
Hoping you'll cross it before me.
I want to cross my fingers behind my back

Every time I say you're just a friend,
Because I know it's a lie,
And a line I want to cross so badly.

moving on came full circle when I finally stopped walking cirles around you in my dreams,

and started treading my own path, started unsewing your thread tangled in my heartstrings