With lonely nights like this, I keep on questioning my existence:
"What is the purpose of life?", "What is the purpose of my existence?", "Why I'm like this?", "Do I deserve to be loved?"
"Who am I?"
Every once in a while, very unpleasant or disturbing thoughts come into my head. It begs for those questions. I felt plagued by thoughts and images that I couldn't stand but I learned to embrace them with arms wide open, intrusive thoughts are now normal.
It consumed me alive. Beautifully. Wonderfully.
This feels very ****** and embarrassing. I got to admit that I don't really feel like I belong to anywhere. I've found it difficult to relate to anyone. I can't figure out myself, and what I will be everyday.
Here's the thing: I have two souls inside this not-so-**** body.
I feel okay in some days, and less in others.
I'm strong but I'm afraid. I'm tough yet vulnerable.
I was born to be pretentious. Everyday I struggle living a high-functioning public persona at work so I would look normal and ordinary, but in the back of my mind, I am this insane ***** who wants to cut off all of their heads and put it in my altar.
I can easily laugh at silly jokes but I find it more funny if I'll stab people in the face and gouge their eyes out and eat it.
When I am having these morbid thoughts, I just want to sit down in the corner, calm down and not to talk to anyone.
Or listen to Xasthur and meditated. Or take psilocybin mushroom and smoke ****.
Or simply hang myself and dance in the air with the marks of crisscross red in my fair skin (which I sometimes hate because that makes me attractive. I hate being liked for how I look. You'll never hear anyone says "Hey, check out the brain on that babe." Sad truth.)
I always believe that life in itself serves no ultimate purpose.
Life is meaningless but we need to live for the mean time.
Although, it is not the reason why I am sad, depressed, and lonely. Since everything is pointless for me, there's no point of choosing to be sad but it looks like sadness took me over and made a home out of her.
Even I am creepy at times, I am still this girl who loves Disney and just wants to wear a long white dress and run into the magical woods to find my prince who will kiss me passionately and save me from this agony. I am that desperate in seeking love in this universe I need to live in, but also desperately avoiding it. So, after that kiss, I will push him away because I cannot stay. I have nothing to give. Nothing matters, even myself. This is why I lose people in my life. Because who would choose to stay with someone who can't even figure herself out? Who would be willing to walk to the end of the earth to find out these things with her?
These are the thoughts I cannot simply tell anyone. I feel so shallow for feeling everything so deep. Why can't I be ordinary and follow the norm? I don't have the answers yet. I don't think I will ever have. All I know is that I have two voices inside my head.
I don't know how to express that I feel so empty without making it sound so sad?
I wish I weren't so sad, I wish I didn't want to disappear in the darkness right away so I could stay happy in this dimension, even for a while.
I feel like I am trapped in a book.
I don't know what page I am right now, but I hope that this page will be ripped off and will have no important role in the story, so if I'm gone, the characters of the book wouldn't mourn for someone who didn't even want to exist.
But as much as I would want to, this book that I am in is not yet finished so I need to continue with my role.
Whoever the invisible space phantom that watches over us,
Please take me to the inevitable end. Or write another story where my name will not be written.
Because I am tired of spending my life dying inside.
Just another nonsense prose.
I thought I could write how my mind works so someone would understand me. But I couldn't. Everything will still remain a mystery, and no one will bother to care. I will forever drown in here without the ocean knowing that I am drowning.