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Courtney Apr 4
I set fires inside my skin
Trying to burn my way out
Of a shelter bound to concave
If I don’t escape.
My brain is a puzzle
I have to solve for sanity-
Each piece a repetition,
And none of them fit.
Waking, shaking and scratching
At what crawls between my bones,
Connecting each rib and vertebrae
Until I’ve shrank enough to fit
Inside the cage of my mind.
Walls of my muscle compressing-
Make me smaller.
Limbs retracting-
Be less present.
I yearn to cease existing.
Courtney Apr 6
The conclusions we made
Hang in the air unfinished with
The thickness of oxygen
Choking in my chest.
“Please” I plead,
“Tell me the truth”
These words hang
In echoes like smoke
Somewhere in the in between
Before they dissipate into silence.
Spinning away,
I can’t find a mirror that doesn’t meet me
And I ask,
Have I been alone all along?
Courtney Apr 17
I can’t string together the right words to describe the feeling of black tar sands filling my lungs,
Or chinks of ice inching their way through my veins-
Maybe they’re somewhere in the relief I find Between the place my tires last touched the gravel
And where they meet the sky.

There’s something about being okay with death that’s totally not okay
But there’s something about it that makes me want to roll out the welcome mat,
Arms open where I’ve been waiting for you-
In the home that’s no longer ours,
Left in your flames I couldn’t quench.
#depression #mood #disorder #emotion
Courtney Apr 15
Irony is painting a sun
While a rainstorm erupts in your mind
With drops searing the page.

Irony is bleeding knuckles
On hands held in prayer
Pleading for peaceful end
To the war with only one soldier.

Irony is lying in front of the moving mountain
To save the soul of the cries that shook it.

Irony is having to hurt
In order to heal.
Courtney Apr 4
The  grit  of  my  teeth  seeps
  Sand,  grinding  under  my
    ­Fingernails and weaving
       It’s  way  into  my  hair
         Just like your hands
            Used to do. What
              Has time done
                  To us, my
                  Who am I
            Without you but
         Negative space that
       Fills no void, only static
     Chaos  all  too  divine  to
   Be confined in glass? Turn
  Me over and let me run out,
My pieces crumbling like sand.
Courtney Apr 24
The hands that held me
Upright like stone pillars now
Crumbled into marble rubble.
I’m left sifting through the wreckage,
Left by a war waged against himself.
One warrior.
Two casualties.
The ruins carry whispers of
Memories, promises and lies;
All etched on the walls
That once could be confided in
Now relinquishing their secrets.
A foundation built on sand
Will sink in battle:
Courtney Apr 10
Souls; us two
Eager to begin beautiful
Lives together,
Failing to recognize the

Chaos of our own minds.
Aching for a
Remedy we won’t find in
Each other
The only remedy is in ourselves
Courtney Apr 19
I trace my fingers
Through the cigarette smoke
That dances from your lips and
Creates a veil in the sunlight -
A moment of quiet, magical bliss
From your silent self destruction
Should have been indication
Of what was to come.
Courtney Apr 5
Heartstrings pulled so taut
Play me like a violin,
Keeping metronome with my pulse
As you hold my life in your hands -
You can end me so easily.
Love me instead.
Pull out your own,
And use your strings for a bow.
We’ll make music together,
Your heart and mine.
Courtney Apr 10
You were the ocean
And I, a ship
Gliding your waves
As my finger tips
Lazily graze at your surface-
Our two bodies-
Of water and of flesh-
In harmony with the moon,
Pulling us with her tides
And we abide
So long as we’re synchronized.
Before the storm
Courtney Apr 13
Paint me as a monster
With the **** of your cigarette-
But when the ash disperses
And the smoke has cleared,
Accept your truth and know
Like ash and smoke
You let me go
You left first
Courtney Apr 8
They say if you love something let it go,
And I say you’re a coward.
If you love something fight for it.
An easy out only builds barriers,
Where calloused hands I want to hold
Build walls that I want to call home.
I just wanted you to fight for me

— The End —