watching
  the
minutes
  until
I
  lose
them
  in
the
  tide
and
  they
re-emerge
  as
hours

droplets
  chasing
one
  another
through
  the
endless
  gray
before
  a
brief
  exchange
with
  grass.

as I look to the sky,
I begin to realize
that the depths
of the seas and stars
hold my heart
so tightly close

and perhaps
that's why
I'm slowly losing
the will
to breathe

soft,
  thin
beams
  of
light,
  revealed
by
  pale
smoke
  swirling
in
  a
hypnotic
  pattern

the
  feeling
of
  drowning
despite
  full
oxygen,
  or
perhaps
  just
a
  desire
to
  sink.

stardust
  woven
through
  my
bones,
  forever
a
  reminder
of
  the
fires
  we
were
  born
from

rain
  pattering
around
small
hidden
  birds,
who
  trill
to
find
  each
other
  through
the
  drops.

I'm so tired
of trying not to drown

How many times
have I said it already?

Too many.
The waves won't stop.

I get pulled further
down every time.

Are you all down there?
Sunken to a fathomless darkness,

Reaching and clawing for air
until hope finally failed you?

I wish I could pull you back,
but wishing is a waste of breath.

I'm haunted by the ocean,
and the faces I cannot see.

I can't even find words for this.

It's not right.

I don't know how to


I just have to breathe.
Crying makes that hard, though.

There's too many thoughts.
Questions.
Regrets.

I tell myself,
don't regret.
Nothing will change.

But the thoughts won't go.

Keep breathing.

Keep
breathing.

It's been a while
since I've felt this sting–

A good friend was taken too soon,
lured by the temptation of darkness

It circles in my head,
round and round again

Why, and how, and what if–
A thousand times, what if?

I have to keep breathing,
don't get lost in the waves

This cannot consume me.

Indigo tides surge,
threaten to pull me away
into the realm of eternity.

Occasionally, I let them
draw me just a little
too close

before finally leaning
away from the depths
to feel the sun’s glow.

Dark room,
full of thoughts,
daylight threatening
from the edge

Words float here,
ghosts on the walls,
remembering everything
we'll never forget

Dreams hang low
from the ceiling,
faint spiderwebs that glisten
amongst the dusty cobwebs

Don't grab them, don't pull;
those threads are still so fragile,
and these burdens weigh us down.

Whisper to them,
watch them shiver,
trembling from the sounds
of tired voices

One day at a time,
repeat the motions,
smile and nod,
survive.

Over and over again
we step forward
and fall back,
staring at the clouds

Just fall asleep here,
just for now;
it's time for a little break
from the endless mud.

what to write

when you're tired

and sad,

and words just don't feel

like enough

anymore.

Raging, roiling, boiling sea,
filling every last crevice
inside of me

Washing away my last
gasps of breath,
leaving me winded
and ready for death.

I've swum for so long,
and yet not long enough;
It's not right to give up now
but these waves are getting rough.

I'm getting the hang of
letting myself sink
a bit





Just enough for the cold
to ache in my bones
And every time it rains
My skeleton cries and drones.

The depths are so much
calmer than the rage above,
All I see from here
are faint ghosts that push and shove

I
want to inhale the cold,
but the cold will smother me,
and I'll never grow old.

This all hurts, every wave
and every splash
The rushing current
to pull me under in a flash

I'm just trying to swim,
listen to the silly blue fish,
keep going, don't stop,
You can have anything you wish!

I'm just tired. Is that even allowed?
We say it's okay, but our actions
speak the ugly truth.
There's just no satisfaction.

Everyone around me is tired, too.
Is it fair to stop swimming,
and let them go on in peace?
There's another race I'm never winning.

I don't need a life preserver,
nothing is wrong, because
others around me are drowning, too.
Life simply doesn't take a pause.

This all hurts, I can't breathe,
I don't like what's inside of me
The water I've breathed
boiling and roiling and ready for tea

Leaking through organs
and soaking in my veins
My head is swimming,
and surely that sounds insane.

Must be lack of oxygen flow,
'cause I'm still sinking
Bubbles slipping from my lips
I blow and up they go

Sinking, thinking, dreaming sea
lay to rest what's inside of me,
and in your darkness, I will sleep.

How do I
make the stars fly
so I may wish forever
That peace be easier
like simply drifting
down the river
Drift
until
the water
deepens
and you start
to sink
You can watch the bubbles
dancing with the stars
A smile frozen in time.

I have a hard time
describing
what my childhood memories
feel like.

I think most my age
still recall their childhood
pretty clearly,
like photographs of various quality.

I feel as though
my memory cracks a little
every time my settings
are changed.

The first crack was graduation,
the flurry and fear of
finally
leaving home.

College became
a hazy blur;
it stings to look at it
directly.

Everything falls short,
I move again,
another crack forms
and I feel the pain.

Memories here
are strange and bittersweet;
The fog here is thick,
and I know I don't want to see.

In the present,
I just try to breathe;
but I feel so detached
from my memories.

Everything feels
so far away,
mirages in a shifting desert;
golden sea swirling with storms.

Fingers up,
grasping at bubbles;

Why do I always
fight for air?

I'm beginning to wonder
if I lost that magic touch;

These words used to come so easily,
to frame my dreams and nightmares

The paper used to beckon,
gleam like a beacon

While I was lost at sea, the words
would be the rope to pull me free

They gave me just a little bit of clarity,
until they faded away.

I reach and grasp,
maybe catch loose threads,

But it's never strong enough
to pull me to safety.

I miss the magic of words,
of creating invisible images.

It's just starting to feel like
my magic has faded.

There's this constant feeling
of relentlessly being dragged
through any number of things;

cold snow chokes my airways,

cold water fills my lungs

dirt dances on top of my eyes

and mud leaves its messy mark.

I can't cut loose, this attachment
is just life;
Time pulls and tugs and does not care
if you wish to stop here or there.

The untameable beast, taking bites
from our bodies
Pulls me forward and through
raging seas
It doesn't try to drown me,
just expects me survive
Even as I choke and gasp,
even as I beg and cry.

I wish to rest, just give me a breath–
the passage of time
will pass me by

Meanwhile,
where am I?

What do I say
when I haven't written in
so long?

Day by day,
everything just feels like
a thick fog–

Nothing is clear,
I can't see far ahead;
I've just been walking forward
to where?

So I just haven't been writing,
haven't been glowing, feeling
like I can exist.

I try to reach
that gleaming surface–
I never even knew I sank.

Never knew I was stuck here
in the cold again, wading
through another storm.

It's so quiet now,
settled into my soul like a routine;
Here we go again.

If I keep swimming,
I can't drown.

If I keep walking,
we'll make it eventually.

I wish it wasn't so cold.

I once looked into your eyes, and felt time stop.
I once looked into your eyes, and saw nothing but black.

I’ve seen you soft, glowing and free;
I’ve also seen things you never wished for me

You turn as though caught in the phases of the moon;
full of light, half dark – a black hole in the sky

And somehow, every time I looked up,
you just never failed to catch my eye

And whether love is long lost,
and our futures set in stone,

I keep your memory tucked tightly away,
so that neither of us can truly be alone.

I’m trying to reach back
to reach the paint in my blood

To find the child in my soul
so she isn’t lost in the memories

I step through time
in my own head

Here in reality,
all lights are flashing red

It’s hard to stay in the present
when buttons make the world end

I just want to breathe
while I know I still can

And live with the paint
running free through my veins

we live our days,
we glimpse one another,
our lives pass by quickly,
and that may feel like a bother.
breathe, and blink,
look around and listen,
live what's around you
while there's still time to glisten.

I miss my words,
my poetry and my tales
I miss letting letters spin
from the top of my head

There's so little time,
And so little free pleasure,
It's hard to process my emotions,
and this was lost in the blur

So here's a quick spin
just to see what I've missed,
It's nice to let the letters roll,
let some light shine through the mist.

Why can't I shake
the thought
of

you?


I can't grasp
the emotions,
they're just

fog.


I'm caught in a storm,
barely breathing, and
just wishing for

clarity.


We both hear
the siren's song,
a plea to sink into abysmal

d
a
r
k
n
e
s
s
.



I just wish
I could pull you to
safe land,
and help you find the sun.

I want to dive
back into the abyss,
I'm just done with this
silly little thing we call life.

I think I need to float
awhile, letting the cold
seep into my bones and mind.

Numb, silent, forgetting;
This shouldn't be so
welcoming, the darkest
place of my mind.

I suppose that's the guise
to draw you in,
the siren song to make you
                                                   drown.

I'm drowning,
filling with saltwater,
don't you see the leak?
Doesn't it shimmer just
beneath my eyelids?

Flooded windows are so
blurry and difficult
to peer through. Can you
even see more than silhouette?

I want to drag my fingertips
through the surface
as I fall under, so I can
feel like the drowning woman
in a sad, dramatic film.

Is there a piano solo
for my sinking?
Deep, delving notes
chasing
me
down,
drifting in the currents' pull.


Don't pull me up,
don't touch the freezing fingers
as they stretch to feel the wind

The storm toils above me,
but I've already drowned.

The darkness,
seething darkness,
has returned.

I have done more
than simply fall in,
let myself drown.

I have gathered it up,
and worn it as a cloak.
The pain is my protection.

What can you say
to break through
my fog and stormclouds?

But.

I know you are, but.

But what? Is this so
inconceivable?
So inconvenient?

We don't control these things,
not forever.
Perhaps when we're young
and scared,

So when we finally settle in,
into our own skins,
everyone has
something to say.

"But this isn't who
you used to be;
this isn't who I know-"

Well, I'm more myself
than ever before,
and I refuse to fall
into your perfect view.

I feel safe
just out of focus,
and there is where I'll stay.

Let me be honest,

My heart is rolling
in my stomach,
and I can't tell
if it's fear or joy.

You surely make me
smile,
and I'm not sure what it means.

My words have collected dust.

Somewhere,
the time was lost,
or perhaps
simply the motivation.

When did this dream fade so fast?

Where did I lose the pen,
spill the ink?

I’m grasping for the tail end
of even a single word,
and here it is:

Return.

I think I’m lost,
I’ve gone too far

I pushed myself
so far below
I can’t see the stars

Only him,
I stare straight at him,
And that’s not
the right thing to do.

I need to swim up
on my own,
I need to save
my only home

We cannot drag
each other down,
and we can’t let
the other drown

I have to find
the strength somewhere
so I can make
the right repairs.

I yearn for the days
when I could pull poetry
from my brain
like a string of pearls,
shimmering opal,
so beautiful to all.

Where    have    my    pearls    gone?

Even as I’m moving
forward,
I still feel
stuck
In the same thoughts,
the same mistakes,
the same
inevitable
pit.

Why are you here
still stuck in my head
when I should have moved on,
and it's been over a year?
Why do I hate you,
when all you did was
leave?

I thought
that maybe
I could find
myself
again,
but I'm still so aimless.

You force us to step backwards,
degrading who we are meant to be as
humans.

We should be charging forward,
learning,
growing,
and changing
for the better.

Instead,
you seem to wish us to be
nothing more than simple
monkeys,
gobbling the foul feces
that is flung our way.

I’ve been caught
in a bubble of my own creation,
cold and suffocating.

This is a pocket of safety,
a family not quite mine,
a home so different
from my own.

This is a peek into his past,
a life I didn’t know,
a history I can’t imagine
so different from my own.

This is a glimpse
of what the future may hold,
of people I may better know,
an environment that I can call
home.

This isn’t where I wanted to be,
hiding in the other room
on New Year’s.

Hunger and exhaustion
struck war with
defeat and depression
over a bowl of noodles.

And suddenly
it’s the
dragon in the room,
breathing down our backs
and burning us deep.

I wanted to be sinking into
warmth and love,
feeling hope and joy.


Here I sit in cold white light
hearing his voice

how sad it is


I hate that sadness.
I hate when he sounds like
the whole universe is crushing him
in an Iron Maiden of molten metal.

I wish
he would just
take the time
to listen.

New year.

I rarely frequent this place now,
it sits and stares, but remains ignored.
The words don’t come like
they used to do,
They don’t weave the same magic.

I was falling,
then crawling,
fighting to find my way

You materialized,
a lantern in the storm,
Offering warmth and safety

I held your hand
and off we ran
Headlong into insanity

Just for a moment,
I had a feeling
that life would be better,
but instead I was sent reeling.

You’ve been trying to help me,
hoping you’d free me
But I’ve slowly been dying
And I fear nothing can heal me.

I’ve been floating aimlessly
in a dark and icy sea,
waiting, just waiting,
for life to make something
out of me.

I know,
I know you’re there.
I know that you’re waiting
to sink your fangs
into my brain
and leave me crying
from the sudden pain.

I know that you’re lurking
right on my shoulder,
claws on my neck
and tongue in my ear.
“Soon, I’ll return.
Soon you’ll be
with me again, my dear.”

I shudder at his embrace,
but it is so familiar
that I cannot help
feeling safe.

Somehow,
everything falls right into place
with you.

I shouldn’t miss you this much.
I shouldn’t miss
our car rides,
your music,
the conversation.
I shouldn’t miss your company,
even when rain clouds lingered.
I shouldn’t miss you
for hurting me this way.
You knew it would hurt me
and you did it anyway.
I should be furious,
screaming in rage,

but I miss you.

You don’t need a love poem
because I can speak freely
to you.

I love to trace
the line of freckles
on your face

Your eyes
are so full
of life,
your smile
so true.

Your kiss
fills me
with warmth,
your hands
so gentle
around
my waist.

You are
a great perfection,
and I love you more
than I’ve ever known.

Why is this all so
wrong?

I don’t belong
in this backyard
among their joy.

I lost my home,
but I never
really
had it.

There is a person
instead.
He is home,
more than
them.

Where is my home?
A year later,
the answer
is still
unknown.

I skip over
the days,
always running away
from the end.

This house fits
like an old, hole-ridden glove,
uncomfortable but soft.

I need space,
but cannot stand
the emptiness.

But with him,
there is no silence.

There is sound
all around him,
and every touch
feels safe.

I want to leave
this house behind,
but I am scared.
I do not belong,
even tonight they want me to.

But I cannot breathe
in this little green house,
and I cannot grow.
This family is not really mine.

Who is?
He is.

Sunsets
and
stars,

shining and tossing
time away

Taking my breath
away

Every time
I look up,

My time
wastes
away.