Avi Jun 30
He liked his life
as it was, as it is...
Seldom noisy,
mostly alone & mumbling.
The dogs gave him
all the companionship
he needed.
Their yips & constant
need for affection
gave him something
to do between
the remembering,
the drinking,
& the forgetting.
"Wouldn't change it
for anything at all,"
is what he normally
says in
imaginary conversations
he has with the
people who never visit.
He doesn't mind though.
The woods surrounding
his crumbling world
whispers to him-
telling him the gossip
happening in the bacchanals
& Saturnalias.  
They give him the daily news
without having to have
a subscription.
The crows & the ravens,
whose own world
is in those
swaying timbers,
love to catcall him
as he takes
the pups out
for their daily
ruminations & whizzes.
He doesn't mind at all.
Makes him blush, it does.
Brings some color to
cheeks once cherubesque,
now cracked & whiskered.
He & the pups
wend their way
over knoll & hill,
past reliquaries & stupas
of mud & fern.
He takes a
not so healthy
swig from his flask
filled with his
home brewed liquid fire.
Warms his throat,
his gut,
even his nether-regions,
but it burns
his mind beyond recognition.
It isn't surprising
to come across
this burnt out
husk of a man
slumped against a stump
with this dogs
huddled around him
lapping at his face,
trying to rouse him-
he, half in/ half out.
"Wouldn't change it
for anything,"
he mumbles slurringly
as he has his pups
lead him haplessly
back to their abode,
near to collapsing.
Avi Jun 24
I learned to pretend from a pretty young age
Not of distant worlds, or of friends who weren't there
Sure I knew how to do that
But I learned a different kind of pretense
A pretense built around love
Pretending to love, to care
Can't really blame the child...
Or maybe you can
But I know I learnt what I had to
From the environment around me
It was the best way to survive
Still functions as a defense to this day
Avi Jun 12
"Ich bin sehr müde."
Ask me how I was doing
& this was the first thing
out of my mouth.
Without fore-thought
or planning,
I responded as thus.
Not to sound pretensious
or trying to show off. No.
It was more, in a way,
to hide what I
truly wished to say.
Yes, I was tired.
My eyelids permanently
drooping, as was my posture.
My spine became
rusted & broken.
My legs moved
out of sheer stubbornness.
Physically, I was spent.
But this wasn't the complaint.
I enjoyed this pain.
No. "Ich bin sehr müde."
My soul was answering
this question put to me.
For they were tired.
My mind grew numb & heavy.
The sun behind my eyes
were pitch black,
collapsing in on itself.
My raison d'être had
run away, tail tucked.
My plans were
quickly unraveling.
I had turned into mush,
a soup without umami.
Bland, bleak, &
when you got right
down to it, a bastard.
Some days, I ranted
& railed against
everyone, everything,
& none at all.
However, it was evident.
The problem was within me.
Not out there.
Not over here.
Not Him, Her, or They.
In me.
And that sickened me.
I was a cancer
unto myself,
unto others.
I've had "remissions"-
periods of alleviation
              of brightness
              of hope.
But they never last
as long as I
wish they would.
I, 'ich', returns
with a vengeance-
tearing away,
butchering with no
regard for finesse.
'Ich'...
Reminds me
of sand & dust.
A finality before
anything else is formed.
'Ich'...
In the silence
I wait...
Wait to hear:
                           "Ich, der Herr,
                            werde dich
                            Ruhe geben."
I listen to the silence
between words
between sorrow.
Waiting...
Waiting...
For now though
I answer as thus,
"Ich bin sehr müde."
Avi Apr 27
Does someone as deformed as I

find mercy in His eyes?

A creature of sullied repute

drowned in the abyss of untold lies?

Tell me, does a thing such as I 

find mercy in Her eyes?
Avi Apr 27
I came out...
That should have alleviated things
shouldn't it?
That should make the pain
disappear
Make it wallow
into nothingness

I truly am a fool
to think that it would
just go away
How quickly I accepted
the illusion brought
to me in those
wonderful few days
after being true to myself
after being true to others

But it crept back
from its corner
and took up
residence in the deepest
regions of my soul
Where there once
dwelt light
for those marvelous days-
now comes the beckoning
of eternal pain
Avi Apr 24
Smudges on my glasses
didn't obscure
what it was I saw
before me in
such sweet splendor.
For the snow
had fallen
on
hallowed grounds,
crowning
her head
in ephemeral wisps.
I looked into her eyes
and the words
spilled forth
before I even
knew what
I could afford.
"How much for the
Pączkis?"
Avi Apr 20
I haven’t found it yet
This thing that everyone
Has found so easily
Although maybe
It’s my imagination
Maybe it wasn’t
So easy for them
Maybe they too
Wrestled god
To find where
They needed to be
Maybe I should
Keep up the search
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