I’m not writing to externalize my weeping or to release my pain, on the contrary, I just want to remember you and materialise my thoughts in a way that our love seems alive.

Because you’ve kind of vanished these past months, and I’m really starting to believe that I’m on my own, but don’t blame me if I still feel your presence, even though I don’t share it with anyone, not even with you. But my Love, your presence has a much greater value than to be shared and my heart is much too delicate to be opened. I’m working on rebuilding it; it’s just taking a little more than expected.

I don’t talk about you as much as I should, I guess I don’t want to share you, I just want to keep you in that sacred place of yours, where there’s only you, where no one can disrupt us, no force is the universe could be strong enough to disunite us.
Just know that my silence isn’t a proof of my indifference, my deepest sorrows are my silent ones.

But baby I do try once in a while, to let someone know you’re still on my mind. Sometimes it’s all want to say. Very often it’s all I think about, that I don’t feel alive except when you’re here, that you make me feel greater than I actually am.
You’re the glut of the Love I hold, the overflow of my feelings and the scarcity of my joy.
But how can I even speak of joy when you’re away?
And how could I ever be happy when you’re the one that redefined happiness?
You may say that I lost myself when you went away, but I’d rather get lost in you than to ever lose you.

How can this be love if I can live without you
If all I ever need is to know you’re safe

How can this be love if I can love another
And if a part of me is happy that you found her

But if this isn’t love why do haunt my dreams
And how come a part of me wishes I was her

I know you wouldn’t believe me

Or maybe you would, because you are me

And because no matters what
You will always be

In the core of the most mysterious forest, is where I found you.

I can’t say it was an easy task, looking for you, so rare, so beautiful with such a pure soul. A perfect victim to my ruthless crime. Oh but I sure blame your tenderness for waking up my natural hunting instinct and I blame your mildness for my capture and my cruelty.

I stood there, in front of you, looking at you from my devious hideout, waiting for the right moment to make my move, just listening to you breathing. I was just enjoying myself, watching the life I was just about to seize, then suddenly, you felt my presence and you just ran.

And when I thought my prey was gone, here you were closer than before, with your big green eyes just staring deeply into mine. At that moment I realised that you trusted me more than to look at the gun I was holding and way past the furtive look on my face. All you felt was my presence, your escape from loneliness or possibly your way to love. But the hunter I was at that time couldn’t care less about your soul or your dreams, all I saw was your appealing flesh standing at a distance that made my crime effortless. I aimed my colt straight to your heart, and released my desire.

As you were weeping, soaked in your own blood, yet still filled with hopes, I realised that you knew my plan all along, but the dreamer you are preferred to die than to live in a world where Love was a fantasy he couldn’t taste.

So here I am telling a story that might seem to you as a random hunting exercise, but to me, it is the story of how I burnt my heart by killing Love.

I saw you. And this time, it was different. This time I really saw you. I looked into your eyes, and saw the man I fell in love with, saw that innocence that I once tasted.

I talked to you. And this time I really heard you. Listened carefully to that voice that was once the sweetest lullaby I longed to hear.

I didn’t really say much, but we don’t need words, you and I. I know you got through my every thought, I saw it your eyes, that now you know. You know I’m still the old me, that I’ve been crippled inside out since you went away.

Today I fell in love with you all over again, and today your distance is no more an obstacle. Because right now, no matter where you are, I can feel you near me, and no matter what you’re doing, I can feel you holding me.

Honey today I can say that I’m whole again, you filled my empty heart and all it took was a glance at your smile.

I guess some things will never change, the burst in your eyes, the sound of your laughter and the joy you bring into my life, just by being near. Because even when everything changes, I still love you the same.

I had a vision today.

A vision where I saw your face, where I heard your voice.
You were right there before my eyes. And with these eyes I smiled to you, and in my mind you smiled back.
And that smile, that laugh I knew exactly what it meant.

Then you came closer, repelling all my sorrows.
And with each step you took towards me, something in me was set back to life.
And before I knew it I was alive again before I could even greet you, and long before I could even place a word.
I somehow sorted out the meaning of every tear I’ve wasted waiting for you and I knew I could wait a thousand years just to see you smiling back.

But that’s when you stopped, that’s when you were close enough for me to take notice that this smile was actually a wince, and your laugh was nothing but a grin.
That’s when I knew that you weren’t coming closer at all and that you didn’t even take a glance at me.
That’s when I knew that we lived in two separate worlds, two worlds at war with the deadliest conflict, the greater armies and the deepest rage.

Well I had a vision today, a vision that turned my world upside down and subverted my empty heart.

It was a vision for sure, but deep inside, I choose to be believer, and I’ll go on calling that my truth. Because an illusion with you is worth a million lives.

A part of me has been unraveled. A link I thought could never be broken has been torn apart so easily. What’s left to do when all your action are in vain? How hard can you fight when you know you’ve already lost it all?

I’m picking up the pieces of my broken soul and trying to heal my broken heart, for my fight is about to begin and I still don’t know where to direct my lances. But no matter how well armed I am, I’m already beaten. I’ve been shot with the deadliest weapon and I’ve tasted the wickedest blister and somehow I can’t surrender. And I still can’t figure out if that is a proof of my strength or an evidence of my weaknesses. Either way, I’m a convict of my own thoughts and a prisoner of my feelings, which leaves me *******, and captive between my conscience and my heart.

I’ve been walking around these past months with a massive load on my heart. I haven’t felt one moment of happiness and there isn’t a second where I’ve gone out of my loneliness.

The remains of you, that’s all I can ever think of, the tenderness of your touch, the sweetness of your smile and the depth of your love.
What if love was enough? What if love was all we needed? Would you still leave me this way, and would you still treat me the same?

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough, sorry I’ve wasted my bravery and sorry I lost my hopes.

But I’ve been trapped ever since, trapped with a constant heartache and a steady bitterness.

I’m falling apart, and the thought of you, my catalyst speeding up my collapse and gathering my sorrow.

Time and space have driven you out my life and pushed you far away of my sight. I forgot the sound of your laughter, the heat of your presence and the way to your heart.

But if it’s all over, if everything we were is washed up, how come you fill my every doubt and carry my every thought?
How can it be done when I still hunger for your kiss and long for your touch?
How can it be done when your ghosts hunt me every night and your smell still lingers?

But as sure as I once was about the flood of our love, I am now convinced of our wreck.

And regardless how far we’ve drifted, I’m trying to believe in this world where a part of you will forever be a part of me, but how can I believe in other worlds when I find it a great effort to believe in this one?

Lock me out, keep me safe in a sealed room, because every thing in me is craving for you and I can’t keep away on my own.

And my love would you tell me, have you made peace with my choice? What place do I hold in your heart, is there any room left for me anyway?

And baby tell me you’re happy, tell me you’ve completely forgotten me; it would give me strength to turn my back. But for you to tell me you Love me, that you carry my memories everywhere you go, well you’ve captured my thoughts; you’ve ripped me with the biggest dilemma between right and wrong.

What if you knew the truth about what I’ve wanted to tell you, that I love you too and a thousand times I do, more than ever.
What if you heard my weeping, heard me screaming out your name, would you have come and eased my troubles?

What good will it do to me to wonder everyday where I might have been in a parallel universe? Would I feel anything more than envy or regret?

If I only knew that I’d be the reason for your tears I would’ve tried harder, I’m sorry I guessed it all wrong, and forgive me if it’s too late.
I think I chose the path that lead me to the most dreadful present.

But I don’t really know any better, if anything my sorrow isn’t misplaced at all and is just the trail to the master plan of happiness.
But again who am I to judge, who am I to say that your remoteness is the wrong door that I’ve opened?

What’s left of me when my eyes have dried out and I still haven’t found a meaning while I still wonder what if?

What if you’re the right choice, and I’ve been wrong all the way, how far would I be from destiny?
Should I be grieving to the words I’ll never hear again or should I long for those coming?
Should I keep regretting every dance we’ve missed or learn to accept this miserable fate.

My every move is based on what I call my path, my every judgment and my every word. I’ve been trying to convince myself ever since you left that it’s the right thing for me, that you only took half of me, a part I could build again so easily. But it is time I face the truth, it is time I realise that you left, you took every piece of my heart with you, and I’m left out here on my own, me, my poor flesh and my empty soul.

Torn

Between running to catch you
And keeping you safe in my mind

Holding you tight
And watching you from afar

Crying out my distress
And Praising your happiness

I love you so much
That I can not bear to lose you again
And even the thought that I might hurt you terrifies me

So it is so absurd to say
I love you so much
That I want you to stay away