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Masha Jan 2
Im tired of the constant battle between myself. Tired of feeling like I need some help. Aggravated with the millions thoughts of my head, wishing I could silence them all,  wishing I could bury them.  Tired of feeling like I'm drowning at sea when the storm is just really in a cup. Tired that things seem far worse than they really are.  I wish I could put an end to this anxiety once and for all, but I've learned to realize that it comes and goes. I've learned to be happier and more at peace, but bad days still creep up on me. It's days like these where all the success seems in vain,  it's days like these where I fail to see the sunshine and only see the rain.  It's days like these where I become my own worst enemy again,  and I push those that I care for away.  To those that I push away, I am sorry for being cold and distant randomly, I'm still learning to deal with this malady.
Masha Nov 2018
I never really knew how much you took from me until the first time after you left, I heard the rain and all I could think about was you. I used to love the rain but you even took that feeling too.  I remembered how happy I would get when rain came our way and you'd remember how much I loved that weather. We'd take long car rides with no specific destination and enjoy the soothing sound of rain.  You would smile as you saw my eyes light up enjoying the rare Californian weather. I wondered if the rain reminded you of me too,  I wondered if you missed me and smiled knowing how happy I would be for rain. I wondered if you knew that all I could really feel then was pain.  But I've learned to let you go and the sound of rain is no longer tainted by your memory.  I now smile again whenever it rains and I also smile knowing that a thought of you no longer can ruin my day.
Masha Oct 2018
On our first date we talked non-stop, we joked and laughed all night.  I said I wouldn't fall for anyone again but it was 2 am and kissing you felt so right. The way you gently brushed my face and then gently kissed my nose, it just filled me up with hope. But I also felt a fear rush over me because I felt something I hadn't felt long ago. The night ended and I blamed all those feelings on the alcohol, but came our second date and you told me how you liked my quirks. How you though it was refreshing to meet someone like me.  You liked the quirks that I myself hate and this time we were sober and you still had that look in your eyes and that smile on your face.  I felt afraid that this time it wasn't just the alcohol talking and by the third date you talked about us in future tense and this time I knew things wouldn't be the same. By the end of that night I hated myself for feeling afraid and feeling like I needed to build a wall to keep you out.  I began over thinking everything, like I often do,  but this time my thoughts were mainly occupied by you. Would this work out?  Would he turn out to be just like the rest? Should I take the jump and risk the fall or simply just end it all?  I tell myself that there isn't much to lose,  but what I'm really afraid of is losing myself over you.
Masha Sep 2018
And I buried you a long time ago, the day we both walked away exactly. But yet some days I find your ghost still haunting me.  The man who I once loved,  the man who I once thought you were haunts me and makes me feel safe, yet it also makes me feel angry.  Angry our love didn't last forever like we promised,  angry I didn't have more time to be in your arms. You and our memories haunt me at night,  when I lay my tired head after a long day.  And even when I sleep to try and avoid you,  you haunt me in my dreams. I see your face again,  I see that smile I loved,  and I feel the love again. I wake up asking myself why you still haunt me,  why do I still dream you?  It makes the pain of your departure fresh again. I still mourn you and yet you're "happy" with someone new. But I see that man and I don't recognize him, I don't know who that man is.  All I see is a man who looks just like someone I once loved. I buried you a long time ago but you still haunt me. I wonder if the reason why you haunt me is because sometimes I haunt you too.
Masha Aug 2018
Maybe you did love me,  at least I thought you did, when you told me you hated the world but the only thing you didn't hate was me.  Maybe you did love me,  at least I thought you did, when you'd buy me flowers and cards and you claimed you were sorry for the mistakes you've made and that sometimes you felt you weren't good enough. Maybe you did love me, at least I thought you did, when we started deciding how many children we would have,  when we started picking names and when we agreed to how they would be raised. Maybe you did love me,  at least I thought you did,when I'd see you cry because you knew you'd hurt me or because I was in pain, we would then sit in your car and talk things through under the rain. Maybe you did love me, at least I thought you did, when we gave each other those promise rings and we said one day they'd be replaced with the real thing.  Maybe you did love me, at least I thought you did, when you'd tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you,  when you promised there was nothing and no one to worry about, and blindly I believed you. Maybe you did love me, at least I thought you did,  but you didn't love me the way I loved you.  You didn't love me enough to stop the lies.  You didn't love me enough to stop you from having wandering eyes. You didn't love me enough to keep your promises.  You didn't love me enough to stay and make all those dreams we talked about come true. Then one day it hit me,  maybe you didn't love me.  Maybe you loved the idea of me.  Maybe you loved that you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. Maybe you loved the idea that I would always linger.  Maybe you loved the attention I gave you but you loved the attention from multiple girls even more. Maybe you loved that you'd knew I'd do anything to keep you, even go to war.  I started to become everything I hated,  I let you walk all over me,  I became a doormat. I became the mud on your shoes,  I was everything and yet nothing to you.  And then I became a burden,  a scab you couldnt scratch off, you were done with me but I wasn't done with us. I kept fighting and holding on for both of us,  and then I finally realized that I was the only one. Then when I finally found out the whole truth, everything, even the good memories seemed like lies.  I told myself then, maybe him ever loving me was also a lie.  And the harsher truth wasnt that you maybe didn't love me,  no, the harsher truth was that I didn't love myself enough.  Enough to have walked away when I saw the red flags,  enough to have put an end to things instead of tolerating them and knowing when to say "enough is enough." I realized that I shouldve never settled for a "maybe he does love me". So maybe you did love me,  at least I thought you did but our dreams never came true and your lies no longer fit.  Maybe you did love me,  but maybe, just maybe you never did.

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