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Jul 19 · 64
Self
Marya123 Jul 19
I see you in the mirror, I don't know who you are
I try to leave, but you're with me everywhere I go
You try to undo everything I do well,
I hate you holding me back, I can't go with the flow,
I don't know where you came from, if I made you that way
You're all that I think I'm not, yet you show up somehow
How did I not sense you forming before my eyes,
I don't think I've ever looked clearly before now,
I wish you wouldn't exist, so I could just be me,
To live for a while without you dragging me down,
I'd carve up a reflection, so I like what I see,
I'd learn to swim properly, so I would never drown.
I know that's something the universe won't allow,
I've got to learn to live with you by my side,
I hope I grow to accept you no matter what,
I hope I grow to love who you are, inside.
Apr 22 · 78
Speak
Marya123 Apr 22
There are so many times I'd like to be brave
Times I should fight, but instead, I cave
There are so many things that I should know,
Truths that I'm told would make me grow,
There are lives I wish I'd lived to learn everything,
Maybe then I'd see the true nature of being.
It doesn't make sense why I am this way
I can't face the mirror, I'd rather look away
It's strange, being defeated by one's own mind,
Assaulted by thoughts too cruel to be kind,
It's so much easier to hide from it all,
To write from the shadows, not standing tall,
With a voice that's never meant to be heard,
To express reality without saying a word,
Imposing boundaries when they shouldn't exist,
Acting like it's okay, but to quietly resist.
Doing everything one can, just to save face,
Caught between a rock and a hard place.
Mar 11 · 76
Untitled
Marya123 Mar 11
I'd hide my words away if I could,
In a secret lair no one will ever find,
With shame leading the writers' crusade,
And envy at the helm behind acting kind.
It doesn't make sense to feel this way
Blamed for thoughts you cannot control,
Emotion must have its voice stolen away
If left free, it will take its toll
Exposed, one watches, stuck, paralyzed
As it reigns hell on all who bear witness
In the battlefield between wrong and right,
Jan 31 · 72
Glass ceiling
Marya123 Jan 31
It's designed for another kind of person,
Perhaps one much stronger than us all,
Who can do everything with finesse and poise,
Who bears their burdens with grace, with no noise.

In the end,

Maybe I don't want to break the glass,
Maybe I just want to prove to the world,
That I was not made to be a waste of space,
That I could reach the ceiling in the first place.
Dec 2022 · 95
Quiet anxiety
Marya123 Dec 2022
Maybe the way I think is wrong,
Maybe I'm an affront to nature,
Maybe my mind wasn't meant to be,
Maybe I'm an impossible creature.

Yet

Does this make me any less valid?
Does this make me unworthy?
Maybe I don't ever make sense..
Nevertheless, it would be nice.. to be heard.
Nov 2022 · 107
Quest
Marya123 Nov 2022
Where do you find courage in the land of fear,
Is it a treasure, hidden at the end of a rainbow,
That appears when the sun rises in the west,
Where the rain falls upward, instead of below?
I'm told to climb mountains that are molehills,
Yet I'm not told which ones are deceptive,
I'm told to look for mines when the land is clear,
I fail, but I'm trying to be perceptive.
I meet people whom I can't help but trust,
They lead me through valleys and rivers of glass,
When the time comes that I need to reflect,
Their illusions shatter, and I fight to pass.
If there's a day that I learn to be brave,
When I'm not defeated by my heart and mind,
If I get a chance to help someone else
I hope I don't ever forget to be kind.
Nov 2022 · 153
Musings
Marya123 Nov 2022
It's easier to be afraid
To hide with your head in the sand,
It's easier to walk away,
Than to stay when things are unplanned
It's easier to be alone,
Than to put yourself out there,
It's easier to be angry,
Than to accept that life's unfair.
It's easier to sit in sadness,
Than to give happiness a chance,
It's easier to make judgements,
Than to look beyond a first glance.
I know all of this in my head
I wish I could apply them well,
I'll fail, I'll try and try again
Until the day I excel.
What is living but good practice,
To learn to get up when you're down,
Believe that this won't last forever,
That good will always come around.
Oct 2022 · 1.4k
Separation
Marya123 Oct 2022
I'd **** myself if it meant it spared you all the pain,
I'd willingly go crazy if it meant that you would stay sane
I wish I didn't have to make an impossible choice,
I'm trying to handle it with some grace and poise,
I hate that I see your face devoid of a smile,
I know it will remain like this for a while.
I hate that I'm making your dreams disappear,
I hate that I can't predict the future; it's so unclear.
The world refuses to help in any way,
I'm forced to hurt you, to ruin your every day.
If I could ask the universe for just one boon,
It would be for time to fly, so I can be with you, soon.
Oct 2022 · 296
Lonely
Marya123 Oct 2022
Silence fills the room
So I am never alone
Even if it's quiet.
Oct 2022 · 314
"Emotional"
Marya123 Oct 2022
I either say too little or too much
I'm unbreakable, or too delicate to touch
Flirting with extremes, mine is a plastic soul
Every minute that I fail takes its toll
Should I shut up, should I continue to talk,
Should I be vulnerable, should I be a rock?
Should I stop writing, or should I not care,
Am I being too honest for weak minds to bear?
No matter what, it's never enough
I guess I'm not made of the right stuff
What's the point of even attempting to hide
When I see they will never be satisfied?
It doesn't seem right, this world, why do I please?
What ****** deities am I trying to appease?
So I'll gladly wear my heart upon my sleeve
Knowing I will not be granted a reprieve.
Sep 2022 · 1.4k
Noose
Marya123 Sep 2022
"Thanks!", I tell the rope that promises to hold me, tight,
Unbeknownst, being strangled, that I won't survive the night.
Sep 2022 · 130
On edge
Marya123 Sep 2022
There are so many times I want to be brave
When I know my life is my own to save,
Yet my courage fails me again and again
I can't quite seem to deal with my pain
I wonder if it's because I was made wrong,
That I have to be weak, while others are strong,
Maybe I've been given worth that I don't deserve
It's why it's so easy to lose my nerve
Is there a way I could just believe
That it'll be okay, that I won't be deceived,
That my actions will determine my future,
That I can go against my brittle nature,
That there'll be strength in myself I can find,
To move ahead, to leave the past behind?
Sep 2022 · 584
Puppetry
Marya123 Sep 2022
Maybe we're all puppets that dance by a thread,
Displaying emotions like delight and dread,
Telling stories as Destiny demands,
With the whims of fate being our commands.
What if we found free will, and learned to feel,
Discovering new paths, knowing what's real?
There's a whole world out there to explore
Life is comfortable, but could it be more?
I don't remember how I ended up here
The others are content, yet I wish in fear
Everyone's ten moves ahead of me,
I'm trying to catch up, it's a mystery
Is it worth the risk to escape alone?
This doesn't seem right, it's all I've ever known.
So I hold on, helpless and afraid
I dare not be more than what I've been made
Dreaming of a future where we're not playthings,
To be alive, unattached to these strings.
Sep 2022 · 188
Deep in the ocean
Marya123 Sep 2022
If nothing really matters, I understand
My efforts go wrong in ways I hadn't planned
Maybe it isn't worth trying to swim higher
If I'm a loaded gun made to misfire
So I may as well learn to be content,
I'll make my home here, at rock bottom
I'll find a way to accept my descent,
To live with this wreck of what I've become.
Sep 2022 · 308
Watch out
Marya123 Sep 2022
Don't get comfortable
Because when you do,
Life makes you lose balance,
So you fall, down, down, down
With no floor approaching
Into the darkness, numb, screaming
"When will this end?"
Keep looking out for it
You never know
When you'll be next.
Aug 2022 · 279
Depression
Marya123 Aug 2022
When I hold the knife that causes my pain
I don't think I have a right to complain
Struggling to get myself out of the bed
I sometimes wish it was a grave instead
What am I made of, if the simplest thing eludes me
I'm drowning, drowning, in my insecurity
If all I can do is write the hours away
What's the point, waiting to see the next day
If it's all going to be the same, again
Listless, choking numbness consuming my brain
It doesn't make sense, I try but end up here
Am I not destined to live away from fear?
This life, it hurts, I don't know what to do
'Get help', I'm told. How, I haven't a clue.
Aug 2022 · 76
Sobriety
Marya123 Aug 2022
Terrified of my own instincts
I lie awake, staring at the night
Frozen, unsure, whether to start or stop
To wake or to succumb, to disappear
In this coffin, I lie, within my grave
But I hold the shovel
Can I dig myself out?
Or do I shut myself in?
Aug 2022 · 64
Construction
Marya123 Aug 2022
I wish I could tear off every piece of me
Change my form fundamentally, from within
I wish I could build myself, careful, slowly,
Choosing the bones, joining muscles, sinew, skin
Maybe then I'll feel strong, like I'm capable of more
Maybe I'll feel okay about my reflection
Perhaps I'll hope, in ways I didn't, before
Perhaps I'll have control of life's direction.
Aug 2022 · 210
Fairness
Marya123 Aug 2022
Maybe we're all beggars in ways we don't understand
Unconscious, asking, trying not to demand
Believing we've been dealt an unlucky hand
Playing in ways that go wrong, the moves unplanned
Maybe we'll make it right, with luck on our side
Trying not to break, at least we'll have tried
If it has to end someday, let's enjoy the ride
If life is pain, at least death can be dignified.
Jul 2022 · 335
Weekend plans
Marya123 Jul 2022
"What plans do you have? Doing anything fun?"
How do I say that I plan to have none?
If a filled calendar means I'm living right
I'd gladly live wrong, with peaceful days and nights
"Seize each moment, you're running out of time!"
I'd rather enjoy what's left of my prime
Quiet, indoors, away from loud nonsense
Feeling alive in the sound of silence.
Jul 2022 · 134
Geometry
Marya123 Jul 2022
What if I'm shaped like a square
When the world is made of circles?
Should I smooth my sharp corners,
Or should I just add more edges?
Where do I learn to conform,
To fit in spaces that aren't for me?
Should I change to fit the norm,
Or create another, entirely?
How do I choose parts of myself
To keep, to let go, to borrow?
Can I retain my identity,
While evolving past tomorrow?
Jul 2022 · 144
Anxious train of thought
Marya123 Jul 2022
Keep it together.
Don't lose control.
Don't let go.
Calm down!
Don't lose it.
Hold. It. In.
Don't worry!
You're so blessed!
How can you worry?
What's there to worry about?
Breathe.
Deep breaths.
It's not working!
Is it working?
Don't panic!
It's just anxiety.
It's just stress.
It'll go away.
I can't do this anymore
Don't lose steam.
Relax.
What do you mean, "you can't relax"?
It's all in your head.
It's just self-pity.
It could be worse!
You're so entitled.
Don't let anyone know about this!
Don't make a sound.
I think I'm going crazy.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
If you act normal,
Maybe you'll start to feel normal?
Jul 2022 · 381
Definitions
Marya123 Jul 2022
Is it called drowning
If it happens in a pool
I chose to swim in?
Jul 2022 · 296
Never too late
Marya123 Jul 2022
Maybe there's no hope, too much time has passed
Whatever I started, never did last
Oh how I wished, I wished it would endure
Perhaps I did it with a heart impure
And now I look at the blank road ahead
Wanting to exist somewhere else instead
To retrace paths and restart, unseen
To come back feeling proud, with my conscience clean
But the laws of physics don't work that way
So if I have to live another day
I'll start again with no expectation
Maybe enjoy the process of creation,
Cast away the ropes that left my hands tied,
Be less consumed by the demons inside.
Let me forgive my mistakes, in the mind
Let me find the strength to leave them behind.
Jul 2022 · 68
Wraith of creation
Marya123 Jul 2022
If I could reach inside myself
And remove all scars of the past
If I could erase every mistake
I wonder how long I would last
Before I begin to fade, dying away,
Withering into dust, no longer alive
Would it be better than who I am now?
If life is pain, am I meant to survive?
Jul 2022 · 587
Wrestling
Marya123 Jul 2022
I'm not in the Olympics, or the WWE
Yet I fight my demons with each breath, daily
Sometimes I lose, I'm knocked out, I'm outdone
Sometimes I win, I can pretend life is fun
I wonder if I can ever tap out and leave,
If there's so much more that I can hope to achieve
Is it courage I'm seeking, or how to let go?
If there's an end to this, I guess I'll finally know.
May 2022 · 947
Afraid
Marya123 May 2022
Anxious all the time that this world isn't for me
Fearing failure with every opportunity
Racing heart, trying to breathe, to think, searching for air,
Agony, so many emotions, too aware
Intrusive thoughts that don't make sense, loud, amplified
Dying before death arrives, I'm a coward inside.
Apr 2022 · 91
Masquerade
Marya123 Apr 2022
I have a set of bespoke masks
For each and every person I know
Depending on what is asked
They'll see what I'm willing to show
If, one day, I lose my disguise
The world wouldn't handle it well
So I keep it safe, within my reach
Tailored to visions I need to sell.
Why do we put up these charades?
Forlorn souls, trying to find our place
If we can't be ourselves, we pretend
To be who we're not, just to save face.
It doesn't, it doesn't have to be this way
If I could change the world, I'd decree
That the veils come off, so people learn
To be true, themselves, finally free.
Marya123 Mar 2022
I don't know you, but you're a part of me
With every beat, every lyric, every note, every key
And now that you're gone, I feel so lost, so empty
As though I'll spend life searching for you
Until we meet, perhaps in the afterlife
To ask you, why did you leave like this?
Why leave the earth to shine bright in the sky,
To be a revered, inspiring, light, lasting only a moment?
Help guide us home, lead us to a better place
Give us a sign, anything, to know that you're well
Remind us you're there, and you'll never be forgotten
I've never seen you live, how I wish I did
Perhaps I should have tried harder
Perhaps I should have listened more
Had I known you'd be gone now...
I would've done things differently.
RIP Taylor Hawkins.
Mar 2022 · 687
Poker
Marya123 Mar 2022
The whole world's playing a game of poker
And I'm dealt a strange, confusing hand
I don't want to be mediocre,
I make rash moves, which were never planned
Inevitable, I fail each test,
To start over, again and again
So I'll keep my cards close to my chest
Hoping that this time, it won't be in vain.
Marya123 Dec 2021
I can't look at the sky anymore
It reminds me that I've failed to explore
What it means to reach so far up high
No matter how much, how hard I try
I'll never design the wings of a plane
Or find its material stress and strain
I'll never make a rocket land or rise
Mapping out exactly how it flies.
I'm told I overthink, that it's "just dreams"
"They're just delayed, it's not what it seems"
I've tried to believe, but it hurts inside
I guess they're not late, they've been denied.
No one knows what's really going on
But I'll apply and work till my strength is gone.
Will there be an answer? I don't know
I wish time would speed up, it's just so slow.
Dec 2021 · 183
A Knight's tale
Marya123 Dec 2021
In the beginning, they say there was light
That changed through the days to become the night
Blessing the world with what it means to see
To know miracles, wonder and ecstasy.
No one knows if the darkness fled to hide
Ashamed of everything it held inside
Cowering in an unearthly prison
A lifelong sentence as light had risen
Convinced that this is safe, that this is fine
Convinced that dark never had the right to shine.
They say it quietly withered into dust
Following instructions, trying to adjust,
Discovering freedom like never before,
To know what it is to be alive, to explore
Finding expression in pain through art
Finding reflection in matters of the heart.
Learning to survive, running from the light
Claiming the throne as ruler of the night.
Nov 2021 · 166
I know what it's like
Marya123 Nov 2021
I know what it's like to have a monster in my head
That wants to be productive, but can't get out of bed.
I know what it's like to suffocate without masks
To be paralysed with panic over simple tasks.
I know what it's like to have doubt buried deep inside,
That questions each tear that falls before it has dried
I know what it's like to wish to silence my brain
To wonder if overthinking would make me insane
I know what it's like to detest every part of me,
To hide it from people so they don't think I'm crazy.
I know what it's like to scream with pain, aching to die
With a heart that lives on, whispering, "One more try".
Nov 2021 · 552
Linguist
Marya123 Nov 2021
I'm trying to find perfect words to say
I'm trying to find perfect words to write
Anything in my power to get you to stay
Anything to have you near, in my sight
I treasure the words you return to me
I wrap them, lovingly, and keep them close
Messages of all kinds in memory
Still fresh, like the beauty of a wilted rose.
I could never tell you how much I feel
This, my only secret, tender and true
You're a poem immortal, so brilliant, unreal
And I'll be right here, watching, in awe of you.
Nov 2021 · 91
Fading
Marya123 Nov 2021
I'm a strange mixture of yin and yang
With light struggling to be seen, to be heard
Pleading, in anguish, to the darkness
"Don't put me out, let me say a word!
Let's make a deal with terms for us both
I want to live, let me heal, to be free
I'll respect your space, I'll leave you alone
Don't let us become what we used to be".
Oct 2021 · 483
Shipwreck
Marya123 Oct 2021
What if the Titanic
Couldn't cope with expectations
And instead of dodging the iceberg,
Saw an opportunity to be free?
Oct 2021 · 115
Ship of Theseus
Marya123 Oct 2021
I once replaced every part of me
With robust designs that shined from within
Strong, efficient, I could run forever,
I had everything I needed, built-in.

I had nothing to be changed or improved,
I was a perpetual motion machine
With no ties to an inferior past
Cast away from memory, as though unseen.

Yet sometimes, in the shadow of the day,
When I feel a distant ache long denied,
Forgotten wounds of what used to be,
I wonder who I really am, inside.
Oct 2021 · 773
Why I don't pray for myself
Marya123 Oct 2021
I remember, countless times I asked God
"Fix me, get this madness out of my head
Help me think right, push me to be strong"
What I heard back was silence instead
So now I pray for all in this world
For peace, light, a clear path for every life
For hope in unimaginable darkness
That every soul finds what I can't, in strife.
Oct 2021 · 91
impossible
Marya123 Oct 2021
Who would love a person
Held hostage by demons
That demand a ransom so steep-
Every breath, every thought, every step?
Who could love someone like that
Knowing they will be dragged down?
Would they choose love over a life?
Choosing ******* over freedom?
Oct 2021 · 636
Method actor
Marya123 Oct 2021
I'd hide myself beneath a thousand walls
I'd suffocate, to satisfy the audience
With dying breath, through countless curtain calls
But this is life, it has to be, this penance
Paid for past sins, cancelled shows from long ago
I wear them like armour, the scars deep inside
I fear the wounds to come, the unforeseen blow
Unravelled secrets, truths no longer denied
It doesn't matter, the blood on the floor,
It doesn't matter that I've nothing to say,
For a second on stage, I'm the one they adore,
A moment of heaven in the hell of everyday.
If I could become something else, forever
Unblemished, unfeeling, without any flaws
The perfect artiste in every endeavour
Perhaps I'll finally deserve the applause.
Aug 2021 · 135
Skeletons in the closet
Marya123 Aug 2021
I'm afraid each time I open the door
The dead eyes staring at me, through my skin
Sneering, laughing, taunting, in my head
They won't ever leave, they lie within
I close the door, trying to escape
Stepping slowly, then quickly, to get away
Running, exhausted, even when I'm lost
Every moment filled with unease, dismay.
(And I try, I try, to reach out, to explain
But it's hard to understand invisible pain.)
Everywhere I go, the demons follow
I was a fool to think I'd outrun them all
Who am I, if I'm nothing without them?
When the end comes, will they stay when I fall?
Aug 2021 · 214
relatability
Marya123 Aug 2021
i wish i understood the songs of requited love
more frequently
than i wept to the songs of heartbreak
this life is short indeed
with time flying by
And with each year that passes
I feel closer to an unknown end
Like I failed without knowing why or how
Like I should be somewhere better
Like I should have been someone different
something wholly different from what lies under my misshapen skin
To find the elusive 'The One'
Among 7.8 billion people in this cruel world
With a ring on my finger, a declaration to humanity that I'm spoken for
Milestones I never set out to achieve for myself
With the dreams I chased remaining unfulfilled
Jul 2021 · 81
Transparent
Marya123 Jul 2021
If I could let everyone know
All the death I feel inside
Revealing when I feel low
I don't know if they'd be surprised
Maybe they saw, and did not ask
Maybe they knew, and kept away
I don't know which I would prefer...
I'd like a 'How are you today?'
Jul 2021 · 75
Little match girl
Marya123 Jul 2021
Little match girl
Standing on a sidewalk
Seeing a world move on
You know you will be gone
Will anyone remember
Your words forged by pain,
Aching to be read,
Your tunes searching for hope,
Pleading to be heard,
Your voice, weak, feeble,
But unlike any other?
There wasn't time
To get through fear
To show them who you are
Alas, you lie, awake
Buried in books
Waiting for your last breath
Listening to this elegy
Was life worth it?
Are you proud
Of who you have become?
Could you have done better
If you had more time?
Jun 2021 · 76
Dishonest
Marya123 Jun 2021
Strangled to death
By a noose of intricate lies
That used to keep me alive.
Jun 2021 · 284
Searching
Marya123 Jun 2021
If there's anything that serves as a guide
If there's an instruction manual out there
Titled "How to get through what you're feeling"
Or "For Dummies- Life's a *****, it's not fair"
I'd read it, I'd absorb every word, every phrase
I'd apply it to myself, I'd help others facing the same
I won't be frozen, I won't be struck speechless
I hope I'm not playing an impossible game
Tell me the lessons, I'll get through the tests
Lend me blueprints, cryptographs, codes, a sign
Don't leave me in the dust, paralyzed, numb
Don't make me pretend like everything's fine.
Jun 2021 · 71
Lonesome
Marya123 Jun 2021
Alone again
By myself
(I chose this)
Man is a social animal
I don't know anyone here
Everyone I know is so far away
I'm drowning, I'm drowning
(I chose this)
Thoughts are louder
They're consuming me
I'm fighting to stay alive
(I chose this)
I'm trying to stay sane
I'm trying to find hobbies
"Don't wallow in self-pity"
"Go out and do something"
I'm trying
(I chose this)
I don't regret it
But God, it hurts
(I chose this)
Apr 2021 · 74
Note to self
Marya123 Apr 2021
It may seem hard, and even impossible at first, and you don't know if there will be an end to this pain. And it IS hard, difficult, frustrating and annoying. That's how you know the path is worth travelling. But the only way you find out whether you heal, is by trying. By trying, failing, giving up, and trying again. By taking that first, second, fourteenth or hundredth step. By giving it your all. If getting through this is important to you, some way, some day, you can do this. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know you can. You are good, and worth having in this world- it will not be the same without you. No matter how strongly you feel otherwise- there are people out there who love you and have been illuminated by your light- not because it shined any brighter or differently- but because it was there, and it made a difference. It doesn't matter if they know or realize that. You need to know that. You make a difference, by being here. Those fears and demons in your head- they are there to remind you that there is good worth fighting for, and that there is a heaven, a paradise that you need to get to through them. You deserve a life without the trauma, without the past ruling you. Listen, let them be- but don't let them consume you. They are not you- they are remnants of a forgotten time, a forgotten self, a past self, habits and routines that need to be forgotten. And in time, through hard work, they will lose their hold, and you will have new habits, routines, people, a new you to rely on. Believe in that. You are whole, no matter how broken you may feel right now. You are whole.
Mar 2021 · 138
Angel
Marya123 Mar 2021
Love me at my darkest
Love me in my sorrow
Love me at my weakest,
When it is your strength I borrow.

Love me when I don't want you,
Love me when I feel hollow
Love me at the end of all hope
When in your grace, I'll follow.
Mar 2021 · 113
Don't ask me how I'm doing
Marya123 Mar 2021
Don't ask me how I'm doing
If you aren't ready to hear what I have to say
Do you really want to know
How I struggle to breathe, to wake up every day?
Do you really want to listen
To how I have to pretend, how hard it is to smile,
Do you really want to understand
Or would you like pretty lies for a while?
So here you go:

"I'm doing well, I've had a great year
I haven't cried myself to sleep, or wept in the shower
I haven't thought of ending it, or running away
My thoughts don't plague me every week, every hour
I'm not homesick, I'm not lonely, I'm not sad
I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I want to live
I love my job, I love my life, I love myself
I am worthy, I am useful, I have so much to give."
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