There was a day when one of my friends asked him;
“Hey, do you care about anything she writes?”
She asked him because she knows that I love to write;
She asked him because she knows that she also loves to write

I was there,
sitting right next to him when she asked him and just like this crystal clear of memories that’s playing in the back of my head
I still could feel
how he looked into my eyes
grabbed my left hand,
and he answered;
“Yes, of course I do
I really do care about everything that she writes”

Right then I knew,
he will always be one of the reasons why I turn off the lights in my room around one or two in the morning and turn on my desk lamp;
Just to write

i still hope that someday you could see me in the crowd then the waves of emotions strike you to your very heart that it aches, reminiscing all the feelings you once had. all of the goods that I brought to your life.

5 AM Thoughts ://

If there's one thing that I learned from the past that I went through, he made me want to try to be a better person. Maybe it was for him, at first. But then I realized, no matter how long and how hard I try, I'll never be enough for that person. So all I need to do is just try to be a better person for myself, not for anyone's sake.

I remember how I used to stay up all night to cry and pin myself to my pillow for a few consecutive months. I still could hear all the words he said in the back of my head, rehashing arguments of how he could never understand how I felt about us.

I remember how I could drop everything just to be by his side. I remember how I could try to give him anything that I could possibly give in order to make him happy, even when the situations told me not to.

and that's what happens when you truly care about someone. You want to make them happy. You put their happiness' above yours, even when people told you it's freaking stupid to put one's happiness above yours.

But, again. You truly loved him. Even when he did not. Even when he yelled at you. Even when he called you names. All the manipulations make you think that you're happy with him, when the truth is you're being pathetic trying to scratch the ground off with your bare hands, trying to dig deep, trying so hard to make him happy. But as always, it takes two to tango. and if he can't dance with your jam, neither can you.

and one day, it hit you again
and you'll remember loving him,
all of the good ****
and all of the bad ****, too
But as soon as you realized that you were truly in love with him,
you forget how to heal

People have different ways to heal themselves. Sometimes it's a short period of time, sometimes it's a long period of time. Sometimes it involves the third party, a new one. and sometimes, some people don't need a new one in order to heal.

What about me? for what I have now, I still don't know how much time I need to heal myself from the scratches I got. It took me a year to realize, this is gonna take longer than I thought it would.

and I swear to God,
I promised myself ; "I'll heal, I'll heal"
but it's a lot more than just that

and I thought I have healed,
but then, I realized I haven't healed at all

because in my sleep,
I still see him in my dreams
over, and over,
again.

at last, I'm gonna quote Beyoncé here ;
"but you're just a boy,
and you don't understand how it feels to love a girl,
someday, you'll wish you were a better man

you don't listen to her, and you don't care how it hurts
until you lose the one you wanted, cause you've taken her for granted
and everything you have got destroyed"

It's been two years since it finished.
Two years since the end.
And I'm still here.
Becoming accustomed to the masks as if they were my friend.

It's hard to think,
That I was once in a place,
Where I radiated happiness;
It was always surrounding my face.

But now I'm sat
Writing poems about you
Because words are my only connection
(It's sad but it's true)

I've tried so hard
To move on, I swear.
But being this girl?
It's getting me nowhere.

So I smile a say
'I'm fine, I've moved on'
When truly, moving on
Is what I've needed for so long.

                                                       (K R W)

"He is the song that keeps playing on my head, over, and over again."

I want to be a place you call 'home'

Do you know what's the meaning of 'home' itself?
Home is a place you always keep coming back, no matter how far you could go
Home is a place you always gonna miss, no matter how messy it could get
with its imperfections
with its messiness

And I don't want to be a five-starred hotel-or a mall, for you
with its perfections
with its glamorous
with its beauty
But you can always leave them, anytime you want
Because it's just a place you passed by,
just a place you enjoy, you look at,
for short periods of time,
then you leave it behind

I want to be a home, for you
with my own imperfections,
with my own messiness,
Because I want you to keep coming back to me, no matter how far you could go
And you'll always gonna miss me,
because I'm your home.