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Ackerrman Aug 2023
I am never enough
In your scowling eyes,
Your voice is coarse and rough,
No care for how the blood dries.

No care for my welfare,
Just how it affects you.
Remember when you said 'she left you because of the drugs'?
Well ******* too.

And **** when you told me
'I never said that'
Where is your sympathy
You gas lighting rat.

Go ahead and press my buttons
To see me light up,
And when I do,
You play victim.

The meds I take
Are to deal with you.
Your care is fake,
You pretend you don't have a clue.

When I try and tell you
How I feel,
The words don't get through,
Responsibility not so quick on your heel.

You make dinner
For everyone but me,
My patience is growing thinner,
Your hate is like a tree

Taking root under my family,
And now I am the wretch,
The cans in my room, so pretty,
You self absorbed *****.

Not big on self regulation,
Or object permanence,
Day on day commotion
Starts again, what a performance.

The rage I have for you,
You taught me well,
I am black all the way through,
And water does not quell.

Alcoholic,
Just like you taught,
This life is chaotic
K cider 7.5% store bought.

Why does Dad have to die of cancer
And you continue to breath?
You death dodging dancer,
Every sip is a seethe.

You shouldn't be allowed around children,
You dangerous psychopath,
A hateful haven,
Blood soaked epitaph.

So here is wishing
You a swift death,
Or maybe go missing,
I don't want to hear another breath.

You won't get a funeral.
You are being cremated.
And I won't be there
To bring you back from the crematorium.
Ackerrman Aug 2023
Do not let the silence fool you,
The screams are stifled, through and through.

The gentle glint is in their eyes,
Soft smiles grin in wild surprise,
Though the man pretends to sleep,
He hears the words and faintly weeps.

When you walk in the empty hall,
There's no jubilant footfall,
Of yesteryears' purple vigour,
Just vibrant souls that you ignore.

Do not let the silence fool you,
The screams are stifled through.
Do not let the silence pacify,
There is no rest, waiting to die.
My experience visiting a family member for the last time in her care home.
Ackerrman Aug 2023
What is love?
Baby,
Don't hurt me,
Ha Ha.

What is life?
Old.
Past-question,
Death.

If you knew you were dead
Would you continue to go to work?
Like weeds,
Growing on corpses.

I didn't understand life,
I don't understand this.
This dream,
This dream in death.

Free will,
Does it exist?
I eat
Because I am hungry.

But **** am I always hungry,
I cut myself
Because it hurts,
And ****, it hurts all the time.

Can't count the cuts,
I miss the blood,
The way it trickles,
But I don't always cut.

I miss making decisions,
Could word this hypothetically:
Like it was for the audience,
The ghosts of the dead that watch life.

Did they have free will?
To die?
To watch the entropy,
Do the dead souls experience entropy?

Oh audience!
I hope you appreciate
All the effort I make
To balance my thoughts for you

Or make them entertaining
Or philosophical,
That is, make it take longer to process,
That you may miss the next.

I write because the thoughts
Are bleeding out my ears.
Did I choose, Me, did I choose
To pick it up?

And have these black lines
Wrap around my neck
And softly choke me,
Forever.

A testament to silence,
For the ages,
Just letting nothing know
That I was thinking of it.

And **** knows!
If the nothing-forever
Could pick up my book
Even if it wanted to.

Silliness.
This self destruction.
Perpetual,
As all things are.

Inevitable heat death of the universe,
Revert to singularity
To explode.
Then let's do this again.

Christ.
What am I doing?
Pain perpetually?
Until when?

Is brief non-existence
The only reprise?
All I have to look forward to
Is sleep.

And ****!
What is the ******* difference?
Between sleep
And death?
Ackerrman Oct 2019
Sun on Shoulders,
Tingling sensation smoulders,
Sinks into skin,
Golden glare- Serendipitous sin.
Rippling rays-
Meanders, and plays
On waves of melody-
Moves on water like electricity.
Switched on.
Winter is gone.
Raa has control
Straight thinking on school-
To teach the waves to lap
Lazily and playfully, map
The ebb and flow
Of breezes that blow
The ship to the middle,
Raise anchor and kindle
Magic, eternally
Float majestically

To sun kissed Golden shores.
Wrote this while sitting by the side of the pool in Ibiza- beautiful day in November
Ackerrman Oct 2019
Old rings grow great
But the circles are less perfect.

Have to squint
To make the shape
Stand Stout.

Purple on black-
Looks bright!
******* on ****;
High as a kite.

Some mornings
Stay stale
As old cheese in the fridge.

Stagnant.

No matter how hard I stare,
Or how much I squint,
I can’t make the blood
On palace walls
Look like liquorish.

I cant make the holes
In my shirt
Look like button holes...
Find the perfect partner-
My hand in hand;
To lead me across this ravished land.

To make it feel alright.
Like human means human.
I once dared to dream of an Oakland beholder, whose maker held a misused, trusted scheme.
Ackerrman Oct 2019
Faded as that 90’s graffiti on the train station walls,
Old locomotives, their engines cease to spin and sputter.
Little mice, too famished in their task, caress cogs and messages,
From places, too dark to read, the notes pile up.
Some, I think, may be blank.
Some, I could not read, as I scribbled those promises too fast.
A great mound of empty words made from a tree now dead.
The cogs move no more, I doubt they were ever connected before…


In line for a one-way ticket out of this grave land,
My baggage gripped tight with both hands- makes it difficult to keep in check,
I try to hide it with a smile, no one offers to help.
Surprisingly sullen, my every movement seems to echo from bold, cold walls,
The insignia behind the ticket master’s house is sprayed in red and it reads:
‘This was always a one-way trip’
I bite my lip, try to understand how to turn menace into sand,
This station is run by ghosts. I can feel them watching from holes in the wall.


I was asked by a stranger, “why did you come here”,
My staggered recoil from justice and reason must have been enough,
When I looked back, my persecutor was lost to an empty hall,
And the bones of this room can be seen when it breathes,
So clear, not seen the sun shine in a long time,
Startled like a bird falling into a pool, I wonder why I came here at all.


I talk to the ticket officer, this hat worn low, talking from a dark place,
I want to know, “the time of the next train please”,
But the man only holds my gaze, from beneath his low cap
Motionless, the spindly man holds all the cards, then blows away into the wind.
Left his own station in search of tracks. Somewhere remote
The sun is shining, and life is dead upon this new day.


Perhaps it is too early, I sit and wait for someone to talk to,
“You know that bag must be awfully heavy, please let me carry it for you”,
I shake my head and grip what is mine a little tighter,
“Don’t be afraid to let me in, I only want to help you free your light”,
But I don’t care for skin or bones, I set down my bag and watch,
The man of bones, with dreams larger than his stake,
Perhaps, if you were not so far away, you would have the strength to exist,
I look up to see the man who tried so frugally,
Met by dead air, perfectly comfortable- without a friend in the world.


I take a stroll down the decrepit tracks, cold air grasps at skin and sense,
Just to see the colour of the rust, and what the reaction was,
The trains and tracks are turning bitter-brown and discoloured purple,
Holes are manifesting themselves into the carriage, much less comfortable than I ever knew.
I step on the dead cartridge, much less comfortable than I ever-
Reliving a time when the carriage was bright, and laughter echoed the halls,
Far down the musky, dark-grey scope, I can hear the faint sobs of a child,
Inevitably, I find the kid, small and frail, sobbing into his hands from under his hat.


“Dear Michael, this carcass is the last place that I expected to find you”,
I kneel down beside the boy and tell him what comes from inside”
“You didn’t spend much time here when we were alive, I am leaving you Michael, your world is cold and dead”.
The boy trembles before sobbing turns to cold laughter,
He lifts his head and I peer into two dark and empty sockets,
Pristine, white bones contrast the encroaching darkness,
Michael tells me: “There is no leaving this place”.


The skeleton child’s words are empty.


A little while down the track, darkness pours from every crack,
Each train looks as dead as the one that was mine,
I follow a trail of disfunction to the end of the line,
Where I find a train, most unlike the rest, its silky black skin has been kept intact,
Monstrous, foreboding and intimidating, the conductor keeps the fire stoked,
Red mist puffs from the window, horror stagnant beauty feels and flows.


The walls of the carriage are meticulously decorated,
Framed pictures resting on crimson silk, a life frozen in time,
I am not welcome here,
Presently, a feral scream from far away- the engine room,
A mad man armed with fire eyed fury,
Jackal Rushes through moment and memory in fear and panic,
The first thing in this nightmare clad in skin,
The man stands still, full height, coloured in… I look into his eyes:


I fall back through twisted carriages.
Light.
Butterflies protecting fire from rain.
I sleep safe knowing that no one thinks of me.
I am writing a book. One day a character wanted to say something...
Ackerrman Oct 2019
Woke up,
Had existential crisis,
Went home to bed.

Woke up,
Held hope in my hands,
Had existential crisis,
Went home to bed.

Woke up,
Held hope in my hands,
Saw God tread on an Ant,
Had existential crisis,
Went home to bed.

Woke up,
Tried to be better,
Held hope in my hands,
Saw God tread on an Ant,
Had existential crisis,
Went home to bed.

Woke up,
Saw God tread on an Ant,
Tried to be better,
Became a victim of my own humanity,
Held hope in my hands,
Had existential crisis,
Went home to bed.

Woke up,
Watched the sun rise,
Saw God tread on an Ant,
Tried to be better,
Held hope in my hands,
Became a victim of my own humanity,
Had existential crisis,
Went home to bed.

Woke up,
Saw God tread on an Ant,
Succumbed to darkness,
Tried to be better,
Became a victim of my own humanity,
Held hope in my hands,
Had existential crisis,
Watched the sun rise,
Went home to bed.
This was a lot of fun to write
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