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MalakF Aug 2018
Who in the right state of mind would rebel against the gods;
the ones whom kept them alive,
doing everything they can to not let you die,
the only thing that has done nothing but stand by your side?
Why would you rebel against the only thing that will always be able to forgive you no matter what you do?
This body of yours wants nothing more than to see you flourish,
it has a mission and is not programmed to abort it.
Take care of yourself and your body.
MalakF Jul 2018
I feel the need to apologise for the way that I am.
I have no control, as if I was a computer programme.
I’m sorry that the slightest thing can shift my mood,
I’m sorry I can be impulsive and have a bad attitude.

This inappropriate anger is not intentional
and I swear to god
I know it’s unacceptable.

My friendships are a rollercoaster,
it’s practically bipolar.
One second I’m all lovey dovey
and the other second it will be as if you were never my buddy.

This is who I am and I hate it.
I’m sorry I’m like this,
I’m sorry I see no bliss.
MalakF Jul 2018
I'll grow up and be the women you said I never ever could be.
I really hope that when I do
you'll be able to find it in you
to be happy
and proud of me.
MalakF Jul 2018
Warning: rules of a normal family life do not apply in this house.
If you are under their roof then you just have to deal with the abuse.
MalakF Sep 2018
As a kid,
there's this story I've been told.
It's about the most expensive thing you can buy,
they say it's not something you can hold,
nor something you can see,
how crazy does it seem to bid everything you have for this illusive dream?

Yes, a dream
as some people don't believe that the product is really real,
that there's no guarantee
that such a thing would cease to exist
in a world full of twists.

What is this myth?
What is this so called 'fairy light'?
Is it in hide or in our sight?
Some say you can see it when you close your eyes,
but I guess I'm just one of the many blind.
MalakF Jul 2018
I’ve made my decision.
I’m running away from what’s inside my head.
Shutting down and getting by doesn’t seem to be enough
but if I close off and just be numb,
what would I become?
This is something I can not overcome.
So this is it, I quit.
Gay
MalakF Jul 2018
Gay
I can’t wait to go on my first date with happiness.
MalakF Jul 2022
O, come a little closer - hear what I have to say,
I know that one piece of writing can be interpreted in so many different ways.
O, but do pay attention to my word-play,
To the picture I’m trying to portray.

O, I hope by the end of this you will understand the image I am trying to convey,
But do not get me wrong, the end of this is something I am attempting to delay.
O, it is saddening to know that sooner or later my rhymes will fade away
So I will replay, replay, replay.

O, how I pray that what we have will not decay.
Like all the flowers & bouquets that I watched wither/die a bit more every day.
O, but how pretty were they?
Sad to know that each & every single one was thrown out like the contents of an ashtray.

O, how you must have noticed the repetition of O’s - I think they are here to stay,
Unlike my pathetic, childish rhymes that I am struggling to hold at bay.
O, do not get me wrong - the rules to rhyme are so easy to obey,
They are so easy to slay.

O, like tray, cafe, puree,
For god sake, even JFK.
O, please tell me - do you see the problem on display?
Do you see what I am trying to say, what is coming my way?

O, it feels like a betrayal
No, no, no that’s not a rhyme.
I need to rhyme, I need us to be okay.

Ray, clay, Bombay.
Tray, fray, mae.
Ray, clay, Bombay.
Tray, fray, mae.

O, please stay
I need us to be okay.
O, I know repetition of words is not a rhyme,
Nothing more than copy & paste.

Ray, clay, Bombay,
Tray, fray, mae.
Ray, clay, Bombay,
Tray, fray, mae.

O, please I don't want us to stray
I hate how we went from white to grey.
O, please I don’t us to end this way,
I know I am barely rhyming but I will try my best, okay?

Look - ballet, allay, hooray,
Hay, weigh, olay.
Look - ballet, allay, hooray,
Hay, weigh, olay.

O, please stay
I need us to be okay.
O, I know repetition of words is not a rhyme,
Nothing more than copy & paste.

I’ll come up with more,
Dismay, replay, is-lay.
Tray, cafe, valet,
Delray, Alleyway, Chevrolet.

It is not that I don’t know how to rhyme,
I just need something to rhyme for.
Rhyming is synchronisation, it is compatibility
I just need to know we are.

Please, stay, stay, stay,
Don't go away, don't go away, don't go away.
Please, stay, stay, stay,
Don't go away, don't go away, don't go away.

Ray, clay, Bombay,
Tray, fray, mae.
Ray, clay, Bombay,
Tray, fray, mae.

I know I am barely rhyming, but I will do my best okay?
Please stay,
Don’t go away.
I always associated rhyme with compatibility, and although sometimes certain words that rhyme does not mean the same thing - such as "tree" and "flee", but in a bizarre way, they connect through rhythm. Rhythm can be such a beautiful thing, like in songs - where it can be jumpy, makes you want to dance and generally has a nice flow to it. Music is only one example of the input of rhythm. In general, a rhythm means consistency, a pattern in some way. To me rhythm (although it is not always the case) connotes good & happiness, like the act of skipping in a field of flowers.

Whereas with repetition, I always interpreted it as a point to emphasis, a dire need to be paid attention to, to be highlighted, acknowledged, underlined and to be focused on. In a way, it screams desperation to me. I don't believe it flows smoothly. Instead, I see it as pressing the car brakes quite abruptly & harshly, that your water bottle, phone and even yourself are yanked out of your seat - with the seatbelt suddenly burning your chest, or a child throwing a tantrum (crying, stomping their feet, throwing themselves on the floor & screaming).

In this writing of mine (partly completed), I speak about rhyming and how I do not want to stop - where at the same time there is the presence of repetition. And if you see repetition as a "scream of desperation" as I do right now, then as you progress through the page, you will be able to see that my rhymes become an embodiment of exactly that (desperation) - not only through stating clearly my urgency for rhyme but also by my rhymes themselves becoming repeated - thus my repetition of "O" fades away around the end - but that does not mean repetition is not there anymore - all that happened is that it took another form. Repetition becomes the only way for me to rhyme. Does that mean they are still rhymes or are they repetitions? If a word is repeated does that mean it rhymes or is it merely a duplication of the word? Can we distinguish between them? Is repetition more powerful or are rhymes? What do we make out of this?
MalakF Sep 2019
I wanted to fly,
But my request for wings
Was denied.
MalakF Jul 2018
A girl knows for certain that she’ll die.
Not by the hands of others
but by taking the great flight.
MalakF Jul 2018
I've said it once,
 I've said it twice, 
and I'll say it another million times:  
It takes time to make a home out of your body.

Nobody,
 nobody; should ever despise their own reflection.
Your conception of 'beautiful' is corrupted but we're all here to help you reconstruct it.
MalakF Jul 2018
Your method of parenting does not work.
You can't deprive a plant of light
and expect it to grow.
So why do you deprive me of happiness
and expect me to not drown
in sadness?
MalakF Jul 2018
This is not a goodnight,
this is a goodbye.
I can’t promise you that you’ll see me again.
Just please know that I love you with all my heart
and I don’t mean to tear you apart.
Please don’t grieve,
instead believe
that I’m exactly where I want to be.
One.
Two.
Three.
MalakF Jul 2018
This sadness ebbs to my bones,
it shakes my soul like an earthquake shaking the earth’s crust.
The monsters will always be with me but is following them really what’s good for me?
They bashed, broke and bruised me.
If I continue this way then soon they will be the  end of me.
This is not the life I devise to be good for my mind.
MalakF Jul 2018
I’m a difficult person to deal with and I’m sorry for that.
All I do is push people away;
it’s the only way that I know how to act.  

How did I become like this?
It’s a mystery for me too.
I have nothing good to reminisce
and I’m constantly feeling blue.

I’m sorry I’m no fun to be around
as the Malak you once knew has drowned.
She was unable to swim as she was never taught.
She got caught up in a whirlpool of thoughts,
that sunk her deep in and left her to rot.

Now she is no longer around but that’s okay
as she knew that there’s no way she can
stay.
MalakF Aug 2018
Everything is fine
except the fact that I have a war going on in this head of mine.
I'm tired and afraid of these thoughts in my head,
all I wanna know is when all of this is going to end.
MalakF Jul 2018
Sadness isn’t a sickness but I think I’m coming down.
Doctor, doctor I no longer want to be around.
All that I seem to do is constantly breakdown.
Doctor, doctor I think it’s time for me to go.
Cancel my next appointment, I won’t be here tomorrow.
Doctor, doctor you say that sadness is in fact a sickness,
yet you aren’t advising me on how to fix this.
MalakF Aug 2018
Everyone has noticed - my friends and family are all worried.
They all somehow know that my mind is going all blurry
and that I spend my time hoping that my life will hurry.
Forget everything I said about getting better as none of it matters.
All I know is that I'm going sick again.
MalakF Jul 2018
During summer is when my head fogs up even more, its when I begin to lose control. This happens each summer and it always ends the same way.
‘Hurry up’ I thought,
‘Take me away’.
MalakF Sep 2018
I’ve accepted defeat.
I’m literally on my knees kissing deaths rotten feet,
begging him to please let me join his team.
MalakF Jul 2018
No I’m not lost, I’m on my way to another place.
Where there’s no self,
only calm,
where they can do me no harm.
MalakF Jul 2018
There are no adequate words to describe this.
What words can I use to make abuse sound nice?
What words can I use to describe the scarring on this body of mine? 
Are they marks of love?

Or was I just mishandled?
MalakF Jul 2018
I have no reason to be sad.
I have food on my table,
I live in a luxurious stable,
I’m not disabled nor financially unstable.
Everything I want, I had.
So please explain to me how I went all bad?
MalakF Jul 2018
Today is the day I'll go down in the calendar,
It's the day of my surrender.
The day I wave my little white flag,
the day I give my life back,
the day I kneel down to the enemy
asking them to put an end to me.
I surrender,
I surrender.

— The End —