For some reason,
I want the school to know that I killed myself when I do it
Or even if I'm not successful,
I want them to still know I tried to leave this world;
That I tried to relieve everyone of the pain and annoyance of dealing with me,
And that I tried to leave like everyone wants

I want the principal to announce my death or my attempt over the intercom
That way everyone hears I'm finally gone
So they can cheer and celebrate
Or that way everyone hears I failed
So they can shake their head in disgust and look down upon me

But for some reason,
I just want everyone to know for some sick reason
And I guess that's selfish and bad...

We skipped 1st period together
And things were cool and calm

No issues - we didn't get caught
As I gave advice to you as usual,

We discussed what we have in common - good and bad
Then you can't see anything good about yourself
But as I told you,
Sometimes the good things and people are overlooked;
Sometimes we overlook the good things about ourselves

After that you agreed and seemed to understand a bit
Suddenly you asked what's on my mind,
To which I confessed my fear to you

How I want to live near my best friend after high school,
That I want to be around someone I know
"Because, anxiety." As I said
And added how the thought of going to a different country
Scares me to all high hell

Then again, you mentioned that you want me to go with you to Ireland
Or that we can stay here
And when your grandmother passes, I can move into your house with you

I don't understand why you're being so nice,
I don't know if I can believe your words

I've never been to a school dance or afterschool event,
I've never been asked to one or invited by friends.
I'm always left out and excluded,
I guess I'd be too awkward and anxious anyway.
So is it silly I sit here sad that nobody has asked me to anything before?
That I sit here wishing I'd be asked to this stupid Formal?
And that I organize my makeup box I never use looking at all the brand new lipstick colors I have saved up imagining myself dressed up and pretty?
I think it is.
I think it's pathetic -
Because in reality, nobody will ask me.
And I'm just daydreaming in my head like something fierce,
Creating fantasies and false dreams that only break my heart more so tears run down my cheeks.
I'm sorry I'm not worthy of some stupid silly dance...

Lull early morning
A field, small flowers sway soft
With singing blossoms

I think that
I was only made,
That I'm only in people's lives,
And that I'm only people's friend,
To be used...

Eyes open
Hospital room
Nurses rushing
Drilling questions
Mind blank
Tongue frozen
Confused thoughts
Scared expression
Concerned faces
Scribbled words
Heartbreaking results
Deathly silent
Mouth opens
"Diagnosis, amnesia..."

How can you love someone who ties you up with chains of heartbreak?
I still ask myself that
Yet I love on,
So beautiful and sweet
Lovely and ravishing she is,
I’ll never get to call her mine I have realized long ago
Yet I still hold on,
Why?

No matter how happy I am
Or how great my day was,
I still find myself thinking about self harm and suicide

The wind blowing
Flowers of all kinds
Throwing them into a beautiful dance;
Soft petals and rose blossoms
Creating sweet scents
Inviting bumblebees and other buzzy creatures
To help them live

I've been struggling with sleep
All because insomnia and nightmares are a thing
And this is all my fault somehow
So when I can't fall asleep until 2am
And end up missing the bus because I overslept a little
I get yelled at and blamed

I've been struggling with depression
All because of school and my family exist
And this is my fault somehow
So when I start thinking about suicide and self-harm
And end up confiding in someone because I don't want to feel so empty
I get yelled at and blamed

I've been struggling with school
All because depression and lack of sleep are a thing
And this is my fault somehow
So when I request to stay in my homeroom all day
And actually use what special treatment service is available to me
I get yelled at and blamed

It seems I can never do anything right anymore

I was gathering my things as you were walking past
You stopped and stared at me
I stopped as well our eyes locking together
"What?"
I asked wanting to know your thoughts and reason for being in front of me
"You look tired. Are you okay?"
You told and asked me
"Yeah, I am."
Was all I said
You walked away afterwards content with my answer
And I'm sorry Mr. Modrak,
But I lied

I live with poetic eyes
And an imaginative mindset;
Eyes and a mind where I find that
Raindrops are just the sky's kisses...

You're worse than nicotine

Finding refuge in my own lies
"How are you?"
"I'm alright."
Small talk is a great disguise
Just let me be just let me be
Empty thoughts start to crowd my mind
Am I only living, living to survive?

No one knows what goes on up inside my head
There's a new kind of poison and it's starting to spread
No one knows what goes on up inside my head
They don't think I need help
But I'm scaring myself

All the voices in my head are coming to life
They're getting louder and I'm, I'm terrified
How do you run from your own mind?
Is this what I've become?
Take it back what have I done

I'm told not to speak my mind
That I should hide my emotions
And that I can't speak the truth
Indirectly and secretly they say,
"Just let your mind **** you."

I can't help myself I put it down on paper
All the different stages, memories of us
That's the only way I know I can shake it
Writing all our pages, every single thought


Sorry for writing all the songs about you
I know that you hate that I got more to say
Sorry for writing all the songs about you
But I had to, oh, I had to

I can't wait for you to recognize the stories
Like when you said you loved me or that time on the rooftop
Will you act as if you haven't even heard it
Nothing of it matters

You're so different;
So beautiful...

It doesn't matter if I have my eyes open or closed, I always see the same darkness.

Running running everywhere,
Running running don't you stare
Don't you see?
I have no hair;
Running running Mr. Bear,
Running running in the air

"I love you",
You said,
And
I waited for
"but..."

But instead came
Your arms around me
And a
"no matter what"

If I can't be the pretty one,
I want to be the skinny one...

I might hug other guys,
Laugh with other guys,
Or hang out with other guys.
But none of them will ever mean to me
As much as you do...

I think I saw you in my sleep darling,
I think I saw you in my dreams...

I can be happy,
I can smile and laugh,
I can make jokes.

I can be depressed,
I can frown and cry,
I can make scars.

But most importantly, I can have depression and still be happy - and it can even sometimes fluctuate between the two having no medium making me seem bipolar at times. So, don't sit there and claim I'm not depressed or don't have depression to the person I love the most who left for that reason.

I acted like it wasn't a big deal when really, it was breaking my heart.

I'm currently in the library;
Earbuds in,
Drowning out all else that doesn't matter

Thoughts swarm like wasps
Going from my brain,
Through my blood,
And attacking my heart

I sob from the pain
And the memory of you
So I avert my gaze,
And keep my head low
Because I mustn't show weakness here
For this school and society is survival of the fittest
And every individual's soul is an animal

I walk among bears and jaguars that'll tear me apart
Killing me slowly with words and jokes
For that I must remain unnoticed

So I wipe away the tears
And stifle my sobs,
Put on my disguise, casting shadows on my emotions
While I stand back,
Letting my wasp-like thoughts rot my heart

I just want someone to just be truly happy over me.
Happy to see me,
Happy to hear from me,
And happy to know me.

Now I have no idea who you are...

You're my favorite "What if"

Smoke the days away...

Bright neon dollar store sparklers,
Who knew they could be so fun

Red, orange, yellow, and more
I kept on lighting them one by one

I hoped that these bright colors would somehow make me happy forever,
That they could cure my head
But I got burnt and almost set my neighbor's house on fire instead;

I remembered your birthday and gathered all the yellow,
I set them off and pointed them towards your house
Hoping that instead they'd bring you happiness
And give you a special birthday

I hope it works
Happy early birthday Jen

Just remember, I was there when no one else was...

I cry most nights
As everyone else carries on with dreams and days,
I ******* love you

Currently,
I feel no emotions;

I'm not weighted down by sadness and heartbreak
Because you're not around
But I'm not filled excitement and happy
Just because you're not around

Yes, I've let go of some emotions
But I still want you as a friend
So I've put a leash on my heart now,
Can you come back now?

There are nights I cry so hard that my body aches and I shake and I have to put my head in my pillow so no one hears me.
There are also nights I'm happy that you're happy and I think everything happens for a reason.
And there are also nights where I feel nothing at all.
But there is never a night that you don't cross my mind...

I can't seem to find someone who has an interest in me,
Someone who loves me for me;
And I guess that's okay
Because I've made it this far,
But it'd still be nice to finally not walk alone

Every time I purge, I'm trying to rid myself of you...

Please come back,
You're dearly missed