i don't know the exact moment i became so selfish
maybe the moment i let go of all the things you wanted for me
and decided to just breathe in my own air.
i don't know the exact moment i stopped being the perfect daughter you want me to be
probably both times you thought to ask me if i liked girls
or when you asked me if i needed to see a therapist after finding the letters
i don't know the exact moment i started to go into my own head for comfort instead of with my friends
now it's my thoughts that haunt me and make me shake like no earthquake could
if i died tomorrow,
the many poems stuck in my head would be left unwritten,
and the lyrics hidden in my guitar would remain without a tune.
the "i love you”s i carried to and from school would be covered in regret like thick dust,
almost as heavy as the chains made of “i’m sorry”s concealed in side pockets of my backpack.
the kisses I saved for the right moment would remain in my desk drawer,
melting into a gooey mess of doubt and hesitations.
if i died tomorrow,
i would beg for more time,
and for that I am ashamed.
there are girls
that glow like a warm sunset
their bodies are flowers
delicate and small and easy
who ever thought
that life could become
i am seventeen soon
two days from sunday to be exact
i don’t know how i feel about growing old
i still feel like i am waiting to be young
will it always feel like this?
there were days when seventeen seemed
i didn’t plan to still be
but i’m here i guess
i'm so used to someone cutting me off or just the lack of attention to what i'm actually saying
that now i'm almost scared when people really listen to me
i wait for the punchline of their sick joke and their gutwrenching laugh that will soon follow
every word is a risk
you play at the edges of my mind
taking more of me every time you come
there is no prevention i could take against you
i've put trees along my coastlines by thinking of other people, putting on movies, doing work
i've even tried deleting your name, shoving it down to my murky depths
i hoped you'd stay there for everything you've made me feel
but you simply refuse to be forgotten
you only come back stronger with every tide