They say it’s wired into my body.
Like an electric cord waiting to snap.
You have a knife,
“Do you want me to cut it out of you?
Just close your eyes.
I’ll do it.
Count to 7.”
1. My best friend from kindergarten
- I wanted to be you.
2. I want to have a crush on Justin Bailey.
All the girls like him,
Why can’t I be like all the other girls?
3. My mom asks how I feel about Ellen.
I feel my face red and warm.
I’m only nine years old.
Scared for what I think she wants me to say.
4. I want to remember it all but I can’t.
I just remember you saying,
“Careful. You don’t want them to think you’re
5. I quit basketball.
I throw out all my shirts from the men’s
section of old navy
6. I get it now.
My first real crush,
I’m just like all the other girls.
7. I realize I will never be like the other girls.
We don’t think the same.
We don’t cry the same.
We don’t fear our mother the same.
We don’t love the same.
I say do it.
Cut this wire out of me.
And I hate being scared.
I don’t trust the way I worship.
The way I fall I love with people I can’t have.
I can’t stop finding every good thing about you.
I can’t stop picking up your bad habits,
I’ve stopped biting my nails
And started biting my knuckles, matching ****** hands.
I’ve stopped asking how are and started asking what is wrong.
You say nothing,
You always say nothing.
Then call me two hours later and you can’t stop crying.
You are always crying.
I knock on your door.
You don’t ask why I am here.
I mean you can hardly see me through your tears
We both aren’t huggers
We both can’t let go.
In January I learned your name.
i began to look for it everywhere
i think I started to like you
or at that point it was the idea of you
In February I learned how to spell your name
you spelled it with with a z not an s
I learned you like shinny shoes and doing well in school.
In March I learned you were too cool for me
Even just the few words you texted me sounded like you were too busy for me and that each letter took to much of your time.
In April I learned you were quiet.
For some reason I always thought you were outgoing and loud,
But you’re not.
You prefer to sit back and watch
In may I learned that maybe we were acquaintances now.
You remembered my name and the one conversation we had.
In June we worked together.
You told me what to do and I tried not to talk to you
Still knew you always had too much to do.
I thought it was almost safe to say we were friends.
In July you surprised me.
Everything I thought I knew about you changed. You told me all your truths.
I learned you were no longer passionate,
We sort of become close friends.
In august we became inseparable.
We would get breakfast together
Skip lunch together
Forget that food was something you needed to be alive and we would remember about dinner at 9 pm.
I became your 1-800-lifeline.
In September I fell apart.
I tried to hold everything on my own
Broke down crying to you on the side of the road.
It scared me that you’re the closest person to me. I want to tell you everything.
I’m afraid to say anything.
In October I would say we were the closest we had ever been.
You would whisper in my ear not be afraid to speak or to move.
We were content existing in each other’s worlds. Until I ruined it all but you accidentally seeing a text message saying that I had a crush on you.
We were both broken.
You cried because of me and I will never be able to apologize enough.
In November we grew apart
I just keep asking for more hours at work
I’m afraid to talk to you
Your girl comes around more
I don’t think she likes me anymore.
All year we dreamed about all the things we could finally do when it got cold.
In December we lost some reasons for speaking.
I think we were both afraid to simply ask how are you.
I’m not the one you come crying to
i’m in love with so many people i barely view as human
never thought we would speak
never thought we would sleep
we actually didn’t do much sleeping
but i never though we would be best friends
never thought i could be close enough to cry about you
but we are so close i can feel every piece of air from your breath
as you whisper into my ear
baby nothing going to happen here
my mom always said be home by nine
now i dont have to wonder why
you begged to braid my hair
i don’t know why i said no,
maybe it’s because i’ve always thought
i need to fall in love with someone
who knows how to braid
and maybe I'm afraid to fall in love
maybe it’s because for 15 years of my life
whenever i was too scared to talk to my mom
i would go shower then
run in front of her with dripping wet hair
and an old hair brush and two hair ties in hand
and i would beg her to braid my hair
i wanted to feel close to someone
i wanted to be comforted
you begged again and i said fine
at least let me brush it first
you said no,
come here, let me brush your hair
we sat on my dorm floor,
my hair still wet and a tangled mess
you brushed softer than my mom
like you were afraid to pull my hair
like you were afraid of hurting me
like you couldn’t trust your own hands
to be delicate
it reminded me of the first time i let you drive my car
how you have always been a better driver than me
but now you couldn't trust yourself to not crash
don’t tell my mom but i think you braid better
don’t tell my mom but i’m going to one day
marry a girl,
and she’s going to know how to braid.
you begged to do it again,
and i laughed and said,
next time i have to work.
then you told your girl
not sure what she said,
but you never braided my hair again.
i guess she was afraid i would fall in love too
You tell me I’m picky,
That I’m looking too hard for a girlfriend
I don’t know how to answer,
I know exactly what I’m looking for
I know exactly who I am looking for.
I can’t find anyone else to love
When I am still so in love with you
Remember when I ruined everything?
I can still feel the fear rolling around in my stomach
I can still see you handing me back my phone just as quickly as I wanted to grab it back
I can still feel that things are different now.
I’m afraid to be close with you again.
I’m afraid you think there is a double meaning to everything.
Maybe there is.
Because I’ve been thinking and
I think I’m in love with you
But let me explain,
I want you in my life forever.
I think about how I am excited to be at your wedding
I think about how I’m excited to see you have kids
You’re going to be an amazing mother.
I think I want to watch you grow old
I want to watch you become happy
There are only two ways this can happen.
We can be friends forever.
Because I’ll always be here for you,
The reason I want to be at your wedding is because my parents will be there too.
The reason I am excited for you to have kids is because they would be our kids.
We can grow old together,
Under the same roof
Under the same sheets
She’s going to disown me
But I can’t not tell her
I’ve thrown up everyday this week.
I have to do it tonight
he says as his voice breaks
the guy he is with leans over the table and grabs his hand
hey it's going to be okay
I already talked to my mom she said you can stay with us if anything goes bad
I'm here for you
Every Tuesday at 6 pm a boys bible study group gathers up three tables and pulls together every free chair
I hate organized religion.
I hate everything it stands for,
but here the boys cry.
here, their mothers send them to bible study instead of therapy.
The boys cry about how they are scared
their sticky tables become a safe place.
We can't go a day without the middle schools girls,
giggling and mimicking every movement they see the high school girls doing two tables over
they take out their colored highlighters and draw stars are their arms
they forget for a moment they are trying to be anyone else
Joshua once saw me on my way to work and demanded I give him a hug,
he's always made me uncomfortable
John tells me that the university I just got into is known for its ****** and I pretend to laugh
One man I've never seen before comes in and asks how I got my name.
He asks if I was conceived in Madison, Wisconsin
I tell him I am Canadian
he doesn't laugh.
Chuck comes in everyday,
he collects quarters so before giving him back his change
I sort through the register trying to finally find you your missing North Dakota
I found it and saved it for him,
he was so caught of guard
I wonder the last time someone actually listened and cared for him
You were my favorite costumer,
you were everybody's favorite
We saved your phone number and whenever someone had a day off we would visit you in the hospital
And when I never saw you again
I knew you were dead
We all knew you were dead
The good boy always gets it too easy
The good boy is always the example of second chances
The good boy is never good
Just a boy from a good family
And by good I mean money
The good boy is just a money boy
Always let off with a warning
Even though he could always pay for the ticket
Whenever this is brought up the old good boy yells
He says those who have not sinned cast the first stone
He says we all sin
He says this could have been any of us
The bad boy and by bad I mean the boy with a bad family
And by bad I just mean ethical
runs up and says if I’ve already sinned
Let’s sin some more
He didn’t just throw one stone
He passed one out to everyone
And screamed go
Alternate universe in which the deadliest creature on earth dies first
We call it the family we make
We call it the family we choose
We call it the family we need.
I’ve always heard family is home
I’ve always felt like I’ve never been home
Been a homebody
With no where my body could go home to
The family is the most violent institution in the world
My body’s bruised
My eyes are blue
You ask why I never want to go home,
I ask you
I beg you
If you could be my home
I tell you I don't feel alive
and I say that feels like home to me
You bring up the idea that even when we had so much space.
We were both on the edge trying to be as close
As we possibly could
And that’s when I knew this wasn’t all in my head
That’s when I knew you felt something too
Maybe I’m reading too far into things
Maybe I just lent you my favorite book
I want you to read into it all too
Someone wrote stay happy on the white board outside of my dorm room door.
I wonder if they somehow heard the clicking of my searches
Can you overdose on antidepressants
How many is too many
How deep do you need to dig into your skin
my RA sees me doing my laundry on a Saturday night and asks how am I doing
I say im doing good
Im adjusting really well
She’s says good
And for a moment I forget she’s human and almost didn’t ask how are you
She says good.
I wonder if she is forced to say good.
I think its weird being here
Its like nobody but me is worrying
My roommates laugh when I say I’m dressed up for job fair
And ask why am I going to job fair
Like I need a job
Like I go home on the weekend to make sure my sisters have enough clothes and did their homework
Like when you guys are laughing
I’ve been fixing my resume
Like when you call your mom and tell her how you’ve been doing
My mom calls me crying
Saying its all just too much
How she wants me back
How she wants my help again
And I feel guilty for being here
I feel guilty for wanting to be nowhere at all.
I can’t believe I begged for this to happen.
I can’t believe I wanted this to happen.
I wanted you guys to break
So I could be with you
So I could fix you
And now I’m scared it’s actually working.
You’re so sad
And she’s so mad
And honestly it’s not healthy anymore
But I’m scared to say that
Because you might think my intentions are unclear.
The only thing I’ve never lied about
Was all the times I said I only want the best for you.
You always get apple juice
For a moment I forgot
I forgot about you
And I got apple juice
It reminded me of you
The taste made me sick
I’ve always wanted to say more
I’ve always wanted to tell you everything
But I hid
And hid it all away
Now everything was in perfect place
But you really like hide and seek
You found all the secrets I hid
And I think about all of the times I wanted to tell you
But on my terms
My face is red
My ears are burning
Now I don’t want to say more
I don’t want to say anything at all
I want to say less
I want you to know less about me
I’m scared, I finally got what I wanted
I’m scared that now that you hate me
I’m sorry for saying nothing
I’m sorry for saying too much
You always make fun of me
For driving so slow
I’m driving you home
And it’s a 15 minute drive
It takes me 25
You laugh as I go 5 miles under the speed limit
I say I’m a precautious driver
You say we have time for 3 more songs
I drop you off and we say bye.
The next day you ask me to come over
I don’t even ask why
I just say I’ll be there in 7 minutes
You ask why it never takes me 25 minutes to get to you
i learn how to feel.
not by feeling
by seeing and being shown.
I've been waiting for this switch.
You know when you switch on your light,
and your whole room lights up?
I've been waiting for something inside of me to switch.
I've been waiting for something inside of me to light up.
I wonder how my mom will feel
When I tell her
The shirt she sewed the button back on for
I’m wearing on my first date
I bet she would be happy until she asked me his name.
I would correct her and say
Actually her name is...
I wonder if she would even let me finish the rest
When you try and grab my phone
And I grab it back and say no
You laugh and ask if I am hiding **** on there
I think for a second
And that’s probably a better answer than
No, I’m hiding the fact the my 20 past poems have been about you.
How I use to write about begging to even being able to speak to you.
Then how I use to pray we would see each other and talk.
Then how we talked.
How we talked and we kind of just kept talking.
And how I saw you everyday for a week
And then I didn’t see you for a few weeks
And how I’ve never been more sad.
I have poems written about all the times we talked and exchanged secrets.
So maybe I wish I was hiding **** on my phone.
How that would be easier to explain
Then all the times I’ve written your name
I mean I guess
nights are always dark
But tonight it’s like
I can’t even see
I mean I guess
I’ve always been lonely
But tonight it’s like
I’m actually all alone
I don’t mean to cry
It just really hurts having to lie.
Even though we were nothing
My dad says we would be better without him
“Do you want me to go? I’ll go!” He screams
My mom doesn’t say no.
Pretending we don’t know
My mom says she’s nothing
My mom says her life means nothing
We are all crying
She promises she will drive right off the road
We believe her.
1 and 3 make jokes
They are usually joking.
1 and 3 are always in tears
But we know they will stay right here.
Scares me the most
I know she’s holding out hope
When she cries and says she wants to die
Everyone says go
I try and plead and say no
But momma says just go
Mom’s not crying anymore.
No one has tears
Or ears left
I want to plan it out.
but mom always said if one of us go
We all go
I think we would all like that too much.
There are two types of freedom.
That come with two types of nights
One that comes with a momentary sense of nothingness
And one that comes with a sense of everything.
A nothingness suffocating you.
Trapping your thoughts
And freezing your mind.
You are everything.
So there is nothing.
Nothing but the coolness of the water.
The paralyzing weight of being at the bottom.
You are free of yourself.
Free of the world.
The insignificance of your presence mastered by the art of being alone.
Your thoughts too full and powerful to settle.
In comparison you are nothing.
To the everything you can see.
You can see the lights of every home and street.
Feel the wind on your soft skin.
The echos beckoning you like old friends.
You can fly.
Fly up high free to the sky.
Sick down low free to your soul.
You could wait too long.
Free from us all.
You could give into the night.
Jumping from the highest flight.
What a waste of a pretty face
With an ugly mind with little time.
Conversations I never thought I would have
Have turned into conversations I started having.
Some might call it character progression
But I would say I’ve worn myself out for so long
It’s harder to hold back
I had the most honest conversation in my entire life
But I still managed to cover up too many of my thoughts.
Learning to allow myself to speak
When I already know the language
That night I almost let it all slip out
But I bit my tongue until it started bleeding
And I held on tighter to all the words that tried to escape.
And we have a week left.
After spending nearly everyday together for 6 years.
I typed out all of my regrets
And finally hit send.
I haven’t stopped throwing up since
My mind is still protesting
But this time,
I’m really going to try to win.
How do you move on
From something that never happened?
How can I be alive in the moment
If I spend the whole moment
Regretting all of these moments
I’ve allowed myself to miss.
Now I miss them twice.
Now I cry over them twice.
Maybe I’m scared of more.
Maybe I’m scared I will finally
Have all the components of happiness
But nothing will be different.
Maybe I’m scared that it’s me.
Maybe I’m scared that it’s always been just me.
Maybe I’m scared that it will always be just me.
When I say I have no one left
What I mean is,
I haven’t been honest with my best friend
For 6 years.
I breath back in my words
And hold back my tears.
I’ve tried to be honest with her.
I’ve wanted to try and be honest with her.
But it’s hard to change when you’re looking in mirror.
It’s like everything is the same
But now I can’t even recognize myself.
I dreamed of leaving here.
This desert is too dry, dusty, and empty for me to ever be alive in it
Then I met someone new
I managed to give parts of myself away to her that I’ve kept lonely and within me for too long.
I have never been so scared
I have never been so free.
I fall in love with her
As she describes her girlfriend to me.
She tells me about her first kiss
As I wish we could kiss
I reveal parts of me that I didn’t even know I had hidden.
I want her to be happy.
I know I can’t do this.
Fall in love as she tells me how she fell in love.
Thats not fair to
So I stop talking
I stop texting
I begin to pack myself away again.
I can’t even tell my best friend.
Because then I would have to tell her too much all at once
I feel guilty for not being honest
I feel guilty for being vulnerable
Now I got no one left.
Always living in distress
We talk about nevers
Never had I
Never had I
And now I’m invited
To lose two things at once.
Not super important but I just wanted to tell you that I like girls
I don’t know why it’s been so hard to say
I knew the answer before we even talked about it for the first time.
I guess I was scared and not ready yet
And I’m sorry it took me so long
But I think I’m ready now
Or I’m at least ready to tell you
It wasn’t fair for me to not tell you
I mean you told me
And you told me how you were scared to tell your mom
And I couldn’t really answer because I was scared to tell even you
I’m sorry i lied for so long, it seemed easier for a while.
But it wasn’t.
Nothing screams more god than giving us this place
Then making us say grace
Because to give
Then to expect praise
Isn’t giving at all
It’s wrapping us in guilt
So tight we can’t breath.
I say please stop
I say please stop
And you drop me to the ground
My neck is still red
And now my sides are bruised
I cry and say thank you
Was that so hard to do?
Black and blue
My sisters laughed and told me to take a shot.
Because like it’s my first time.
Because I’ve like totally never done this before.
I laughed and swallowed it whole.
And my throat stung as I chased back the orange juice.
My mind has stung for like 18 years.
My throat has closed every time I wished to speak.
So It shouldn’t be surprising that I prefer to numb mind and to open my throat and swallow back the clear liquid.
Than to close myself off to the point there is no more me left.
It doesn’t sting so bad anymore.
They are still laughing.
They said they didn’t know I had it in me.
The switch to do something I’m not suppose to do.
I said the switch has been turned on for so long
It’s not a switch anymore.
It’s a way of being.
They aren’t laughing anymore.
I set the cup down
And beg to do it again.
She tells me to stop.
That I should let myself sober up
So my mind can think straight again.
I said no.
The point isn’t me thinking straight.
I want my vision so blurred
That I am not the only one not straight.
My heart stops
Every time I see your name
I never knew how many people
Had it until you.
I never knew all the ways you could spell it
And now every way looks wrong
Unless it’s spelt
Like you spell it.
My heart stops
Every time I see your name
And I see it everywhere.
All the time.
My heart keeps stopping.
Maybe this is what a broken heart feels like.
You broke my heart.
Maybe you took my reason for staying away.
Can’t remember who I am anymore.
Got caught up being to many me’s for too many different people.
You said that this isn’t like me.
I said this is me.
My mama always told me death comes in threes
I keep waiting and waiting
Maybe it’s suppose to be me.
I don’t blame you
For not remembering me.
I blame myself.
For not being worth
Something to remember
It’s like my body isn’t even my own anymore.
Everything I do.
Reminds me of you
I can’t play that song anymore.
I can’t say that word anymore.
I can’t let my mind rest because we both know that my thoughts
Always go back to you.
But even that reminds me of you
i wonder if my mom has ever prayed for me
like i’ve prayed for her.
i remember telling god to make her happy.
i remember telling god to let her laugh again.
I remember waking up the next morning,
dry tears clinging to my eyes
it was so early i could still hear my mothers cries.
god wouldn’t let her be happy.
god let me pay into all these beautiful lies.
i wonder if my prayers still get answered
when i forget to say amen.
learning to speak up
without speaking out
i keep waiting
and waiting for you
She asked me what I was most scared of when starting Highschool
And I said not doing this
I said not being surrounded by friends
Not making memories in the night
With crisp air and the city lights
She asks if I’m happy then
If I did what I really wanted to do
And I said no so quick
I didn’t even wait for a moment of hesitation
She asks why
I said look at us,
Look at us living like a John green book
Climbed on a hill and talking about the perfect insignificance of barely being alive
I said look at me,
We’ve been going to school together for four years and it took me all four years to finally be comfortable enough to speak
And now I’m speaking but I’m still not being honest.
I want to tell her
Like she told me,
About the girl that I loved
I want to tell her about how I loved
I want to tell her how I love hers not hims
But I am about as friendly with the truth as I am snakes
Both have me running far away in fear.
She asks me again why I am not happy
I said I don’t like it here.
Arizona is the place in movies that people run away to.
That people hide to.
The place people go to lie to.
That people go to when they already are so burnt out
That the scorching sun can’t do anymore damage
And I was born burnt out.
I was born running from the truth
So it shouldn’t be a surprise that so much of my life has passed
With me being unhappy because it’s not a stage of my life.
Unhappiness has become a state of my being.
I want to be turned inside out.
I want the truth to be so blunt and so honest
There is nothing left of me but my bones and secrets that hide in them.
And he howled
And he howled
Until he was shot.
Because it was fine
When no one can see you
Once you made yourself heard
Then you ;
You the howler
Silent for too long
That once he let
Out one yell
There was no turning back
There was no
More pressing mute
Or tuning out
He’s going to howl.
You’re going to be scared.
I’m afraid to shower
Because my eyes may get confused
By the fallen water
And decide it is okay to fall
I have too many tears to fall
Too many moments
That when I cry
One tear will not fall
Every tear will rush down holding hands
A beginning without an end
So if it never begins it’s already over.
I go to your page
It’s like you’re still here.
It’s like you just haven’t
Posted in awhile.
I go to your tagged posts
And it’s still pictures of you
Hanging out with your friends.
But instead posts about best nights
It’s about that night
Your last night.
It’s like your still here.
It’s like your still going to show
Up to school.
What happens to the dead boy’s Instagram?
Do we keep it up forever?
Or beg for it to be taken down?
Do we wait?
Wait until it’s been so long it deletes itself.
Wait until now I don’t check your page everyday.
It’s been maybe a year
And I’ll go to check and it will be gone.
Will I’ll be happy?
Does time really heal?
Or will I be reminded of all the times I wish you were still here.
we promised to talk everyday.
we promised it would always be this way.
Our first mistake was believing it.
Our second mistake was letting it happen.
I remember telling you,
You were the first to know,
The first person I admitted that maybe I’m not okay to
The first person I admitted maybe I’m not straight to
The first person I remember crying to
You were still so alive
It was just like we weren’t.
It was just like every conversation we had died
It’s like those nights where we both didn’t sleep
Didn’t mean anything anymore.
And now I’m always tired.
Now I wish for those
I want them back.
But like we don’t talk anymore.
But like I have no one to confess to anymore.
But like I’m not myself anymore.
You were the only person I could be myself for.
And we promised,
Don’t you remember that night we promised?
We promised to always check in.
We promised to always be there.
I’m still here.
I’m still here.
Because I promised.
Can’t move on because you took me with you.