What are you?
This elusive sense of joy?
Adrenaline rush, or emotional balance,
Continuous or ever changing?
Drumbeats or ludicrous  ranging!
Goal setting and forever aspiring,
Seeking and not finding???
An illusion.

Are you a story we build,
Leaps of abstraction,
Imagination and self preservation,
The past consuming
Or the future imposing.

Happiness maybe you’re in my present
And through the choices I make
You’re in the moment to moment life I live,
And the abundant care to myself and others I give,
You’re alive through positive vibrations,
Incredible possibilities and enduring relations,
You’re in the lucid thoughts,
My breath, movement, stillness, words, and vibration.

You manifest abundantly in the many nameless simple moments I spend with myself and some souls in my life.

I look up at the sky, the stars, look down at the earth beneath my feet, the sand, the sea, feel the breeze
And thank my luck for being part of this universe.

Especially when times are blue,
I pause and find you were always inside of me.
For now and ever, I celebrate every sunrise and sunset,
And I am happy in the here and now!

1.     January- Patience

Patience is difficult,
Not attainable,
Elusive,
Far away,
Doesn’t come easy,
I need it
I wait for it
Patiently.
  
2.     Feb- Uncertainty

Uncertainty is a reality
I can’t run away from it
I can’t not accept it
I can’t let it not flow in my world within and out
I can be aware of it
I can accept it
I can let it be
I can let it go…
Uncertainty is certain.
  
3.     Mar- Hope

Hope is knowing that dawn is near
Hope is knowing that winter turns into spring
Hope is that I can get up every time I fall
Hope is in moments that count and blessings that surmount
Hope is in smiles, in holding hands and in every breath
Hope is life.

4.    April- Exhaustion

Exhaustion is in my exhale
Exhaustion is in yearning for silence
Exhaustion is numbing
Exhaustion is mental, emotional, physical
Exhaustion is losing the wind beneath my wings
Exhaustion is starting all over again, yet again
Exhaustion is in giving- giving- giving without a pause
Exhaustion is need for a pause…

5.     May- Self Love

Self love is life’s elixir
It’s a tribute to my existence
Its what I owe my being
Its love that unifies and makes me love others
More fully, more authentically, more truly
Self love is in my yoga
Self love is in my evolution
And embracing it fully
Self love is indulgent and also disciplining
Its non judgmental and inspirational
Self love is what I am most loyal too.

6.     June- Anxiety

Anxiety is mirroring those closest with anxiety
And compounding it
Losing it
It’s a struggle.
Its real
It's not a happy space
It settles with a pause, with distancing
With distracting and with facing head on.
Anxiety- Real, Tangible, alive
Anxiety- needs strategies, needs to be tamed.

7.     July- Friendship

Friendship is real and authentic
It’s not in years
It’s not in agendas
It’s not in plans
It’s in  real conversations
Real sharing
Real giving
Real taking
Really the answer.
It makes us be better than we are
It lets us be the way we are
I have so many friends and each one
Has a different place on the ship.
This ship is traveling somewhere from nowhere
Friendship- Real and thriving…  

8.     August- Rest

Rest is cuddles
Rest is deep breaths
Rest is pause
Rest is a cup of coffee and my kindle
Rest is silence
I need rest…

9.     September- Vitality

Vitality is buoyant
It is springy
It is “lets do it”
It is karma
It is action
Vitality is on
Vitality flows
Vitality is excitement and energy
Vitality  is throbbing
It is  life and being alive

10.  October- Peace

Peace is alignment of mind body and soul
Peace is calm
Peace is within and around
Peace is a choice
Peace is facing problems and resolving them
Peace is active
Peace is my succour
Peace is OM.

11.  November- The future

The future is hope filled
It's what I patiently contribute to
In the present
It's my acceptance of uncertainity
Its evolving


12.  Dec - I am

I am a butterfly woman
A spirit child
Unfolding, evolving, nurturing,
Resilient, strong, capable
Magical, Sparkling and real
I am the wanderer and wonderer
I am dawn each day!

- MSD January 2021

Into the sea,
the choppy waters call me.

Inviting me to run my feet through the sand,
As I walk in holding  the sun in my hands.

Leaving my worries by the shore,
Or washed into the water, till they trouble me no more.

The water warm, oh so warm,
embracing  my  sorrows like a lovers arms.

Reminding me of life’s ups and downs,
Uplifting my spirits, smoothening my frowns.

And without seeking I find my way home,
Though there was many a mile that I intended to roam.

The mellow breeze whispering  that everyone has troubles too,
That’s why the beautiful ocean is blue, oh, so blue...
- MSD June 2021

I am a coffee mug,
Earthy, clayey, rotund and pouty.

I feel loved, embraced and wanted by you most times, other times I wonder.

I would rather be in your hands, kissing your lips and at least by your side in the outdoors or by the soft yellow light by your bedside where you linger with me and the brew lost in your thoughts or a beautiful book.

I live in harmony with your favourite blue wooden tray- my carriage, the small silver spoon- to stir up a storm and create music in me, and that cane worn out coaster that fits my round ample bottoms  so well.

I dream of holding magical coffee brews from lands close and far, dark.
Robust, wholesome that would make you moan in delight.

I sometimes dread that you read too much in wellness and what if you get influenced to drink less of coffee and fill me up with some detox potion, oh I worry about that so!

I am so majestic, grand and covetable and you love me so, so many options you have,
but to me is always where you go.

I stay awake humming while you sleep, in the morning I pour love into my crevices to welcome the brew just right for you.

The best thing I have done is to never give up on you but I just reciprocate what you do too💕

I sometimes carried brews so yucky for  you,
Despite your love, I feel guilty of needing constant validation from you.

My favourite time is bringing in the dawn together with you or watching the rain while you lovingly caress me watching the pitter patter of  raindrops on your windowsill.

The point of my life is to spread joy and give lovingly and empty myself for you.

I would like to be remembered as your forever favourite, giving, loving, being held till my last crack and then you make me into art to lie by your bedside  as your favourite coaster to welcome the new one
but I will be your forever one☕️

We met many many years back
When the realisation hit that I may need you
I met you at home and the street  but as a vision
When my mum constantly reminded me to get you home
I rebelled and didn’t want to
I met you in my tears
When someone wanted you
More than me,
I met you in disdain
When I saw many who had you
But strutted around in false pride.
And I didn’t want you.

And here you are,
Many moons later,
Wherein I rediscovered you.
It was never you, it was the picture I painted.
I am getting closer to you now
Fresh canvas,
Wispy and comforting,
Uplifting like a kite 🪁 in the sky,
You’re blooming,
You smell fresh as a 🌹.

You’re “getting lighter”,
And  to me now it is not my weight in body,
But the heaviness in my heart and mind,
That I am getting lighter with.
And as I do, I find you so comforting,
You were always my friend,
I didn’t see you
As people and my heaviness painted you as an enemy,
You’re my angel
And I know you better,
Getting closer to you,
Whispy, floating and free.
I like you lightness,
You’re me now.

You so want to come closer to me,
Constantly trying to invade  my mind,
Tentacle my  thoughts and dreams.
But hey I get you,
I am going to set you free.
Because now you’re inside of me
And my journey in the  here and now is to be.
You’re sweet and I get you,  
But sweetness is one flavour,
And I like it spicy and tangy as well,
A tad bitter, some more there,
So I’ll just set you free.

Now, I am free,
Whispy and floating,
Pink and sparkly,
Becoming me...

When I was just a little girl,
And as little girls were taught then,
I played with dolls and a teaset,
Made mudcakes for food,
Wore skirts, made my hair into ponytails as I was let.
I saw the boys with the abandon which comes with free wear and play,
And I thought to myself, why am I a girl.

When I was older, a teen
and as teen girls were taught then,
Walk, talk, rock softly
Don’t draw too much attention
Or attempt to explore too much.
I saw the boys then with the abandon which comes with freedom to play, sit, be as they want  ,
And I thought to myself, why am I a girl.

When I was sixteen, oh sweet sixteen,
And as sixteen year old girls were taught then,
Don’t wear clothes that show your frame,
That’s indecent and you will be in another home and will incur alot of blame.
Don’t wander, argue, or express an opinion,
You’re a girl, being humble, quiet and gentle becomes you.
I saw the boys then with the abandon which comes with freedom of movement and speech,
And I thought to myself, why am I a girl.

When I was older, and passionately sought a particular career,
I was admonished as many other girls in my time,
It’s not a career for women, late nights, more men to be around,
When you get married, that’s not going to work and troubles will abound.
I saw the boys then with the abandon which comes with the  freedom of pursuing their dreams,
And I thought to myself, why am I a girl.

When I was married, and setting a home, working  and raising a family,
I left my work as many other girls in my time,
For my husband to follow his work path,
Unquestioningly, unflinchingly, resolutely.
I saw the men then with the abandon which comes with freedom of being in control of their lives,
And I thought to myself, why am I a girl.

But this is just the surface of my questioning being a girl,
When boys and men around tried their stunts on girls and women,
I questioned my existence.
When many girls and women I know,
Were told to stay mum on men close who took advantage of them
I questioned my existence.
When In the workspace,
Women got paid less than men because their salary were subtly looked at as secondary salaries,
Or needed to speak louder to be heard,
I questioned my existence.
When the onus of keeping a relationship working  was the woman’s responsibility largely,
I questioned my existence.
When a woman got hit by her spouse,
Its she who may have provoked him.
When a man strayed,
Its she who was not a good enough wife that he had to look elsewhere.
I questioned my existence.

The atrocities many men are capable of,
The filth many men spread,
****, hate, aggression, manipulation and more
Abuse, gaslighting inside closed doors,
Wearing a mask of sophistication outside
Animalistic and entitled beings to the core.

My apologies to men who are not,
And I know some,
But they are but a handful,
Too insignificant in the larger way the world works.

But then I see me,
A harbinger of change,
In my home and around.
Raising my son differently,
Advocating for change purposively,
Actioning resolutely what’s right,
Woman for women with all my might.
I see so many more women now who retain their selves and are beacons of hope,
They don’t sit around and just mope.

And I am glad I am a girl,
And I question no more,
I question no more.

Hope and desire ,
Want and fire,  
The dawn, the start,
new beginnings, empty cart
New year, and jan of first,
Parched us in that undeniable thirst.

Brush away the old, learn anew,
Wee bit carte blanche, to run askew,
Every year same old story,
Can revelry sometimes be a tad gory.

A moment of solitude,
To think about those who can’t,
Pause pause pause,
Change the rant.

2019,
All those resolutions,
and the mutinous cacophony,
2020
Let peace reign supreme
and create a veritable symphony.  

Bid adieu to  resolutions and to do’s in your head,
this cycle shall  break
Create  a “to don’t” list instead...

Don’t pressure yourself  to party
Don’t  forget to be thankful for this year
No matter this years sorrow,
There is that beautiful promise
Of a beckoning tomorrow.

Don’t set any more resolutions,
Live each day with gratitude,
When the new year becomes old
You’ll have many a tale untold.

Don’t stay in the past,
It binds in Chains,
Unfettered you soar,
Hopes, desires, wings and more.

Hope is a song,
It’s notes lilting
It’s wings shiny
And it’s span embracing.

2020 let’s  call you hope
2020 let’s  call you love
2020 more than anything
Let’s  call you dawn of another day...



Some of us, few of us,
Maybe he and  you,
and certainly me too,

Carve our worlds,
Different worlds,
Wanting, desiring,
Seeking the different.

Dark, gloriously different,
Decadent, wild and free,
beautiful to you and me.

Something elusive,  exotic and maybe ******,
mysteriously something out of the ordinary.

Sometimes we find it,
Sometimes we do not,
And we continue seeking the different,
It’s so achingly sought.

Just like that,
I felt a sprinkle of pain,
You know the kind that gnaws and grows,
And nibbles your insides.

What started it, I wonder,
A buried thought,
a deserted experience,
Befallen, buried, squashed,
Run asunder, but still alive.

It pushes through the barriers to say,
Hey you! Yes you!
I exist,
Don’t think your looking away,
Will stop me coming back, some day.

Huh! I beat it hollow,
and there it’s slimy self crept back,
I had learnt not to feed it as it would grow,
I keep it on such a strict spartan diet,
My oh My! Look how bulbous it looks!

Hmmmm! Pain, were you feeding inside of me merrily while I was asleep,
Chewing my tissues, chomp chomp, burp,
Deep so very deep,
I feel I am missing a bone or two,
you gluttonous pain,
I am sure you’ve gobbled up many cells too.

Dark, gray, silent, doom,
Am I on for lifelong gloom,
Aah! Hrmph! Boo hooo!
What do I do,
So many around me,
Who do I reach out to?

Oh I do reach out,
And they say,
You? Couldn’t be,
You’re so strong,
It doesn’t fit you well, this pain you see!

I laugh, Is this pain
A size smaller for me,
Am I self indulgent,
In saying it hurts.

I start looking around,
And see many like me,
Laughter hiding the pain,
Cloaked well, their touch warm,
The tremble reaching out in vain.

It’s tough, this despair,
Sometimes with valid cause,
Many times so much accumulated,
Unaddressed, unmet, covered with gauze.
It rears it’s ugly head
For many
Eating their insides,
It’s canine jaws,
Sharp and unrelenting.

I still don’t have an answer,
Who does really,
Expectations, recriminations, justifications, validations, manipulations, mechanisations,
Eat us up a bit more.
We sleep off some days
hoping to sleep away to nothingness.

And then we arise to the morn,
The sun filtering through, casting its warmth,
A bird in the distance chirping away,
Pain still there but so are my fingers glowing like starlight along the Milky Way,
My limbs stretch and I purr away,
The clocks tick tock,
Reminds me of a chance,
A new beginning,
A fresh start,
A fresh me,
A wounded but mighty heart!  

Facing my pain instead of sublimating it,
Nursing it tenderly instead of ill treating it,
I know you’ll ease out, heal out,
And I will be better each day,
Because this life, this beautiful life,
Is worth living each moment, every day.

When I face you, I shall share you,
Tell your story to those I want to,
And suddenly, you will feel acknowledged and dance way into the oblivion because you’ve been sung to, heard, cuddled and celebrated.

Till then, I trudge along...

Have you ever felt this,
That you know someone
Without really knowing them.

That you hold someone,
Without really  holding  them.

That you see someone,
Without really seeing them.

That you hear someone,
Without really hearing them.

That you feel someone,
Without them being close enough.

That you call out to them,
And their soul whispers back!

I am wonderful,
Yes I am,
Need no longer for someone to tell me so,
Put me in narrow confines on what wonderful ought to be.
I define my wonder to the full.

May I continue to rise and soar,
Not be apologetic for doing so  anymore,
When the chips are down,
When people around further beat me down,
I let that  courage surge,
Propel me to fly through,
Emerge stronger coz I am strong and wonderful
And I define my wonder to the full.

I can do anything I set my heart to do,
There’s nothing I can’t and I don’t hear voices that say so anymore,
I am a woman, and I am every woman,
Infinite in my being, resolute in my doing!
I am wonderful and I define my wonder to the full.

I took a moment of fancy to you,
And pray why did I do so?
Was it the curl of your lip,
Or the drawl in your tone
Or just the way your eyes
Met and held mine across the room.

You moved away and around
And so did I,
Heightened senses,
Aware and on the prowl.

A game that’s played on
Almost forever,
A lilt in my voice
A bounce in my step,
An interesting interlude,
For a moment or two.

You waltzed across the room,
Meeting many,
Caught you from the corner of my eye,
Seeking me.

The moment of reckoning,
When we were just a breath away,
I smiled and lowered my lashes,
A deep breath, and walked away,
Is it you or is it me?

Oops! I smell coffee,
Good morning love,
had an interesting interlude,
Guess what! It was you!

I wrote this on the plane,
With Julie London crooning in my ears,
The light of the lamp above on my face,
My feet propped against the panel front.

I wrote this on the plane,
Thinking of the clouds passing by,
In the depth of the night,
Like batman on the prowl.

I wrote this on the plane,
The front seats were free,
And so was I,
In the still  of the night.

I wrote this on the plane,
Way past everyone’s bedtime,
The ecstasy of the lilting tones,
The thrill of the shadows around and within me.

I wrote this on the plane,
Just feeling alls right with the world,
Just in that moment,
I could dream and feel closer to you.

Yes I could, Yes I am,
Stars fill the sky,  
And thoughts of us fill my moments too,
I feel joy,
So I wrote this on the plane.

I seek coffee shops,
Quiet, hidden,
Tucked away,
Dark wood, mugs with fat lips,
Unobtrusive, corner seat,
Nothing forbidden.

Ah! The smell of the brew,
Nose tingles, Eyes closed,
Sublime fascination,
Moments to settle in and roots I grew.

A book opens or my laptop does,
Ambient sound soothes as a caressing touch.
My coffee arrives in its carriage comfortably so,
I reach out and pick it up,
All mine, nowhere to go.

Look around my wandering gaze,
Lost souls, finding their way,
With their thoughts through the haze.
What do I do,
I watch them wafting and waning with their thoughts,
Some with others yet alone,
Some alone, yet not lone.

Coffee companion, friend,love,
Subliminal cold or hot,
And without a word exchanged,
A clan, a tribe,
Community found.

What’s your brew,
Dark and strong
Or golden hued
Or perhaps pure white,
A dash of brown to bring to light,
Night or day,
Coffee in the shop,
Is my magic hop.

Mouth spake,
Doffing the cape,
Sturdy oak,
Shedding the cloak,
Softer, deeper,
Sower, reaper,
I get you!

Look up,
Blueness divine,
Look down,
Depths sublime,
Closer, darker,
Feeling, marker,
I get you!

Truth - what’s that,
Figment- that’s that,
Fusing, blending,
Looking, listening,
Said, unsaid,
Seen, unseen,
I get you!

Sprinkles and showers,
Gazes and flowers,
A mug of coffee,
A sniff softly,
A nuzzle at the nape,
A twist in your arms to drape,
I get you!

Oh  dear, oh dear!
I think we  have a special connection.
Or could it just be a juvenile proposition?
But then what I feel is beyond affection.
Oh these dilemmas conflict me so,
So wound up am I, head to toe.

Hmm! My girl, Tell me do I make your body curl,
And your deepest, darkest feelings unfurl.
Do I make your eyes glisten,
Your voice tremble and my sound thats all that you want to listen.
Do you wake up in the middle of the night,
Do you look into space with a smile when it’s light.
Do I make you want to sit by my side,
Speak your heart out with nothing to hide.
Is my presence what you constantly crave,
Our thoughts of togetherness
Hit you constantly like a Tsunami Wave!
Tell me  is it true
I am inside your system like that strong coffee brew!

My dear , all this is true I confess,
Yes we have a connection,
And that’s not just a guess.
I have waited months, weeks, days and hours,
Now just wait in patient anticipation,
To give wings to our connection!

My girl, an infatuation it seems,
Coz, I ain’t the one signing up to be the wind beneath your wings,
Are you reading too much in my flirtation’s,
And my incessant pings?
Let’s keep it cool,
No strings attached,
So neither is any wiser or playing the fool.

My dear! Thank you for a lesson well learnt,
Words are loose and can be bandied about,
Charted and carted and sullied around.

I still stay with feeling that connection,
For you a predilection,
My heart has already made an aberration!

How I love thee

Like a bird loves to fly,
or a sparkle in the eye;
maybe the surf in the sea,
and nectar for the bees!