I think I am finally free.
I've spent the last three years imprisoned by the thought of you and me. I've dreamt of what our lives could be, what we'd name our first dog and I don't even know your middle name.
I'm finally letting go of you.
I'm finally ready to let my heart out of captivity.
I'm done being a slave to what could have been, what we could have been.

I want to know you.
Your family, your childhood, your thoughts on love and religion.
I want to know you.
Your deepest, darkest thoughts, your fears, what makes you tick.
I want to know you.
Your favorite movies, songs that make you cry, books you love to read.
I want to know you.
The last time you cried, the last time you laughed, the last time you had the time of your life.
I want to know you.
Every inch of your mind, every inch of your body.
I want to know you…

And I cried. Not for the things they said but because I realized I have changed. The way I think, the way I act, everything I do is based on their thoughts and opinions. I’ve let them infiltrate my being and fill my mind with poisonous thoughts. Thoughts based on their views. Views which I thought were good ones. How wrong was I? All they do is tear down people for living their life a certain way. You think smoking *** makes you cooler, cool, but don’t belittle me because I think it’s stupid. Newsflash, it doesn’t make you cool, maybe to the immature *** head boys with no clear future, but not to someone who respects themselves enough not to do things just because they make you “cool” Trust me, my “cool” is way different from your “cool”

I've never had the courage to ask you about him. I remember feeling ashamed when Brianna asked "who is that baby in the center photo?" I couldn't muster up the courage to say, "oh, that's my brother." I think about that moment a lot. How I still can't muster up the courage to ask you about him. I know nothing about him. All I've seen is pictures. I've never told anyone about him, because I'm afraid to bring him up to people, like he's this big family secret. How can I tell anyone about him if I don't even understand what fully happened. I want to ask, but I don't want to bring you back to that dark time, even though I'm sure you relive it everyday of your life. You keep that locket around your neck with his picture as a reminder that he is always there. Just the other day you started sobbing in the middle of breakfast because you saw a little boy with the same curls he had. And in that moment, I wanted to cry with you, because you looked so broken. His birthday recently passed, the only thing I actually know about him, but I couldn't even tell you how old he would've been. I always wonder how different life would be if he was still here, but I guess we'll never know.

I said your name twice today. ******* it. god ******* **** it.