I feel as though I’m just ‘here’
No reason, no mission.
I feel empty and alone,
I feel robbed and broken.
Like there is nothing left,
As cliche as that sounds it’s most fitting.
I feel as though I have no drive or motivation left in me.
I’ve turned into a dull, boring, lifeless being.

Never would I have imagined I’d be able to crumble so easy.
Never did I think I was so weak.
Never did I think I would allow a single entity to hold so much of my happiness.

That is mine. Not theirs.

Never did I think I’d be so dependable on someone.
Never would I imagine I’d be betrayed like that.

And it’s been 9 months...
9 months of mental and emotional turmoil,
9 months of confusion,
9 months of playing everything over and over again in my mind,
9 months of wondering why,
9 months since I’ve had moments of pure happiness.

There has been strides made, but stamina needs building yet. It takes time, practice, understanding, growth and patience to achieve.
But this,
Will take longer than 9 months to achieve.

Lately, I’ve been coming to crossroads mentally and spiritually
To either go %110 and give my all and be open and flexible on all aspects and wear my heart on my sleeve. To be completely open to being loving
Or
To still give that 110% but direct it more towards myself rather than my relations, to block myself off from certain things and keep my mental focused on myself and my goals.
To keep that energy internal so myself only can prosper from the energy and not a single other person.


To spilt my energy more so into an array of aspects including myself, or to focus it only on myself shielding and blocking all outside energies.

Do I love love ? Or do I hate love ?
Love makes everything feel like it’s on steroids. It’s makes the highs sooo incredible and happy, while it makes the lows deathly dark and scary.
It can make you feel so inspired and motivated and outgoing and light,
while at the same time it has the abilities to be completely debilitating.
Completely detrimental.
It can make you so cold and heartless.
So uncaring and rude.
But at different points I feel both extremes.

At times I feel like there really is nothing. What is the point of me ? What’s my purpose ? What am I supposed to do in this world that holds any type of value and meaning ? What is my direction ?
I don’t know any of it...

That.
That destroyed me. Destroyed myself at the core. Who she was, all she wanted, what she loved. Changed 10-fold.

Did I figure it out?
I loved him more than I loved myself.
Everything I did was for him, because of him. Everything I did was to make him happy and what he wanted because I thought,
if he was happy, I’d be happy.
But that wasn’t the case, what made him happy didn’t make me happy. But I kept trying endlessly and didn’t understand,
but was more confused as to why we both weren’t happy together rather than why I, myself, wasn’t happy.

Im thankful for the hurt. I’m thankful for the pain. I’m thankful for the lessons provided. I’m thankful for the low valleys. Thankful for the tears, confusion, thankful for the lack of.
Because without any of that, I wouldn’t have what I have now.
I wouldn’t be confident on all the levels I am. I wouldn’t be nearly as strong. I wouldn’t be as wise. I wouldn’t be able to see that I’m now on the highest of mountain tops, and STILL climbing. I wouldn’t be able to tell my good days from my great days. I wouldn’t know the feeling of relief, satisfaction, and comfort.
I am so thankful.