Luna Casablanca

Luna Casablanca Oct 2018

Threatened and hurt I felt
if someone ever had to go.
Older and wiser I became
and then I was able to know:
your time is a gift,
it is from you to me.
calandars get fuller everyday
but yours is yours to see.
Forget credit cards and
Jack Daniels in shotglasses,
think about the paid hours we need
and to pass those classes.
We are adults
but our freedom isn’t free.
No matter how long we hung out,
thank you
for spending that time
with me.

Luna Casablanca Jul 2018

Apology Letters

I remember your home address,
Have you taken time to remember
Mine?
Stamped with colors and sealed with my saliva
I have once again committed a crime.
The tough positions and neediness
leave me feeling guilty and worthless.
In the end some things do matter,
dig in my bag to find the receipt
I’ll return this beautiful party platter.
Go home from the store sit on my bed and start to cry,
Sure was looking forward to that cheesecake and sharing the large pizza pie.
I acted up, I did it again,
I send these apology letters to all my lost friends.
I wish nothing but the best for each and every one of you,
I promise you’ll go out with sharper people
guaranteed their credit cards will go through.

Luna Casablanca Jul 2018

Enrolled

I feel so tired but I cannot be still and rest.
I want to be alone, then be with friends, and
when I am with friends, I want to be left
alone.
I am aspie, I am bipolar, I am crazy, I am calm.
I have rage inside that is translated with humor,
I am very smart with gifted observations
not even the brilliant
can find.
This phase of anxiety intriguing my thoughts that
I will never make it on my own,
and my fears that my friends are buying plane tickets
and booking cruises without my knowledge
have unpacked their bags and are having foot massages
in my mind.
It is not true,
it is temporary,
it is not all about me,
I want my circle to be all about
happiness and trust,
compassion and gratitude,
pictures of natural poses
no ******* in the cheekbones nor do we
put on any light filters of black and white or
neon orange and green.
I feel so tired but I do fall asleep to practice
doing what I need to do for me.
I will spend equal time alone and out together,
I am strong, I have power, I am kind, I am titled as a
friend, sister, daughter, employee, ex-girlfriend, client,
intern, volunteer, but most of all,
human.
No human was ever and is ever made to be perfect.
It is normal to be depressed and reach out in need.
Don’t take your life,
just take your time,
and if you must play the game by your own rules,
do it until you function like the newest machine, iphone,
or crazy new invention that trends.
New rules build new trends and thoughts in our minds.
Shall we stay in a learning world and learn?
Sounds like a good plan.
We are enrolled for the same
purpose.

Luna Casablanca Jun 2018

Nobody is Allowed to Love me

Hands have too many privileges,
two too many with
five fingers to physically feel.
When the smaller head thinks it needs to be
bathed clothed and fed,
men’s hands will grab the sexiest *****
within their first opportunity.
I was walking with my man,
years ago I was nineteen in college.
We were in a public galleria,
he let go of my hand we were holding hands
side by side.
Before I knew it,
he did it again.
He stood in front of me,
had the most aggressive expression,
and with his hands he squeezed my *******
about ten times and said,
“******* ******* ******* ******* *******!”
I was startled and shocked out of my mind.
We were in public!
Did he not care about who was around us?
How could he disrespect my body?
How could he be so cruel and greedy?
Careless and childish?
Those ***** were mine and still are!
They are nobody else’s!
Today,
I am 23.
I let my eyes naturally look, stare,
and I don’t always know if I blush or smile.
Nobody is allowed to love me
in a romantic way.
Nobody is ever to by “my” man.
I support any man who is attracted to me or interested,
but he cannot have me.
I am naïve, adorable, and apparently beautiful.
Is it my eyes they will see that make me stand as
confident, sharp, and as if I am aware I own myself?
Or are my ***** so big, beautiful, and *****,
that is all anyone has and will ever want from me?
It is my body.
Nobody is allowed to love me.
No,
I will not have dinner with you.
No,
I will not go to the movies with you.
No,
I will not walk in the park with you.
No,
I will not fornicate with you.
I prefer my loneliness as well as my social life.
I don’t need a man ever again.
Nobody is allowed to love me or
feel my body.
Too bad whenever I hug someone
my ******* are in the way.
I love them dear,
I will never love a man ever again.
Who knows what he is really thinking.
Is it his brain?
Or the other
head.
A girl will never know the truth behind a man’s intentions
until she all of a sudden feels a hand
on her body
in the wrong
place.

I finally wrote about my abusive relationship/****** assault story. There were several other abuses sexually in that relationship, but that was the last thing he ever did to me. Today I am fearful of romance since the relationship I had after that abusive one was so good, but it ended tragically after a fight. I cannot date now I can't! And anytime someone shows interest....
I run away.

#survivor

Luna Casablanca Jun 2018

Ignorance Acrostic

Intelligence by comfort and limitations
Gradually putting down those who have interest in what they don’t share
Never going out of their way to learn something new
Obedient to their own views
Ridding of current and new information
Acting as if they are right when they are so wrong
Need to be better informed
Creating barriers and unnecessary boundaries
Educated minimally

Luna Casablanca Jun 2018

I Look Straight Ahead

When someone scolds,
disagrees with my processing speed,
or loses it with me,
I do not fight back with
equal aggression or my
hands turned into fists.
I keep silent,
I have the right to remain that way,
in life,
we do what we desire to do,
what we need to do,
what we love to do,
but most of all,
we do what we are supposed to do.
If we are supposed to bring
respect and happiness to this world,
how in the name of God
do we to do it by looking down at
one another with the most
insincere expression and
raised eyebrows?
Lower your
brows,
lighten your
eyes,
look at someone unlike you
as one who can teach you something new
and not one who gave you the chance
to beat someone and eat
your dust.
Dust is nothing I ever crave
when I feel the need to gain power.
I do what I am supposed to do.
I take a deep breath,
I remain calm and patient,
and though it may be a task yet a chore to
look again at one who condescends or is
rude to me,
I look straight ahead to them.
To all of those who cannot handle
being around a person on the spectrum,
it is that simple to just look straight ahead in someone’s
eyes.
If you have been looking down,
condescending, and
speaking to people who are unlike
you with authority,
You have been doing it wrong
your whole life.
Learn something
from us.
Amen.

As someone who is on the spectrum of Aspergers and has been condescended to, told what to do, and has been forced to enable those who are disrespectful and unkind. Seriously, STOP BEING MEAN TO PEOPLE! The only people who should be feeling shame are those who cannot share a moment with one who is unlike them or cannot show respect. Shame on the haters.

Luna Casablanca May 2018

Dialysis

I knew there was jeopardy,
in our hearts and our minds.
Blood flowing amongst your lungs,
and to many breaths in mine.
Our eyes saw one another
as the same but different
color.
The virtue of patience grew mutually,
I just sat and thought of the day
you would be daddy and I would be
mother.
Long distance is anything but easy,
you never know how you really
are
until that infection hits you
hard in the
gut.
You knew you had to go,
you questioned if staying was worth it,
if I was the one thing keeping you alive,
the truth made you realize
I wasn’t.
Since we broke up and you hung up
first,
I have carried on with
blood, sweat, and tears,
and alcoholic thirst.
Every new man who approaches me
makes me crave your love once more.
I just pretend I was your one and only
and heaven was the last open door.
I find comfort in imagining our
break up call like this:
I heard your voice last as
they turned off the machines
and my heart shattered with
broken glass,
of picture frames of my visions
of you, me,
and our two sons and
daughter.
I will never find another man like you,
you were perfect
you just couldn’t believe it too.
But I know you are alive and
breathing,
if I see you again,
please tell me
I was the one
who taught you to
love yourself
you were such a gift
in my life,
I panic when I ask if I
was a gift in
yours.
I reminisce you as if you died
peacefully in bed with dialysis machines and wires
hooked to your heart.
I was the last one who loved you,
who you held and protected in your
chest.
Those weren’t the only wires
that had to carry you through
as I was with you at the time.
So rest in peace,
You are one I will never forget.
You live in the sky with angels,
I continue my life with
regret.
I miss you,
teddy bear.
You were on dialysis,
so you being gone forever
is only
fair.

I miss you even a year from the day we broke up. #worstdayofmylife