Sometimes it's like no time has passed since she showed up in my life.
To imagine that I would fall victim to her mesmerizing spell...Again.
To think I was convinced she would be the answer to all of my problems.
To think I fooled myself into thinking I could handle her storm, not to lose control.
How could I have been so blind?
A wolf in sheep's clothing.
My Siren in the form of a drug, a foil, a needle.
Everything I loved and everything I hate.
Such an easy mistake.
An easy escape.
A  cowards answer.
Again I fell victim to her double edged sword.
Left to pick up and rebuild from the ruble, left after her storm.

I chase away memories of you with each hit from the pilo and with every shot I take at the bar.
Im growing tired of the way your face has constantly been haunting my thoughts.
Why is it so ******* hard to forget you?
You were the best of times and the worst of times in my life.
And I still ******* love you..
*******.
It had been years since I held you.
One night, a few simple hours together, and it all came flooding back.
Back to square one.
Its like im playing a game of shutes and ladders and I just can't win.
How can you just push it all back inside?
How can you pretend like it didn't happen, like I'm not even a ******* friend.
What the ****.
I understand that I make her uncomfortable, maybe even insecure.
But I am still human.
I do have a heart and feelings too.
A heart that will forever be meant for you, even if you forget.
There you are, off in bed with her,
And I am here..
Sitting alone, spilling my heart onto these blank pages.
A bottle of wine as my only friend.
So I'll take another drink, maybe even chug the glass to the end.
All in hopes that maybe this time, just maybe, I'll finally erase the memories we have shared.
Forget the feelings that you set free.
*******.
I love you, you ******* *******.
I always will...I always have.

Will you ever remember to love me?



-I just wish there was a chance to be "us" again

I stare at my own reflection,
Diving into the sadness that my eyes try to hide.
I see the ghost of who I used to be.
Who is going to numb this pain?
Who is going to help me hide?
I watch myself fake a smile,
I could almost convince myself that it was sincere.
Still tracing my scars,
Each memory replaying like silent films in my head.

The walls are closing in.
Baby, I need you.
Make my heart smile.
Make the light inside me shine.
I need you to wake up the butterflies.
I'm starting to forget what it feels like.
Help me feel loved.
Like I matter.
Don't let me slip again.
Bring me home.
Take me to where all my fears disappear.

Carrying love and letting it go.
Another day, another sellout angel.
Blame the town, watch the light decay.
We turn our cheeks and look away.
Now that I've turned my back,
Go ahead. Fire away.
You tear the truth apart, left it with the pieces of my heart.
I just wanted to hold you,
To feel you with me.
Instead, I was left choking on irony.
Maybe..
Maybe it was better off this way.
I could see the empty gaze,
Your silence told me everything.
How long will you know my name?
Sometimes,
When you cross my mind,
I still tend to cry.
My unspoken love to the best friend I lost.

I love you. I want to give you every part of me that I can. My body, my mind, my heart..
I fall more and more in love with you every day.
They say that true love exists when you want only the best for that person. When you would do anything to make sure they are happy, even if that means they are with someone else. When you can sit down and imagine your life 10, 20, 50years down the road and that person is still by your side.
I ask myself all the time if those are things in capable of, especially with the curve ball life decided to throw into the mix. And I keep coming back to yes, I am capable of those things.
If going to Texas is the best, and only, option, then I want you to go there. In my perfect dream world I would go with you. Pack our things, drive away, and start a new life there. But who knows what is going to happen.
I do want you to be happy, and down the line if that means you find yourself giving your heart to someone else, I will accept that. I can be a cat lady if that day comes. Haha. But until that day comes, if it does, I will be by your side, through thick and thin.
Everytime I picture my life years from now, you are the only person I see myself with. You're the only man I want to give myself to again.
You don't need to feel like I am too good for you, or that you don't deserve me.
I am yours, don't ever forget that.
I love you Luke.
Forever and Always.
-Amber

What if when they tell us
"And God said let there be light",
that it meant,
Us, as spiritual beings are God,
And to open our eyes to the idea that love is the light,
Loving for the sake of love.

The head and the heart seem to be at battle inside me.
My heart is full of the love that emanates from him. There is a light that had been ignited, growing brighter and warmer as each day passes. His love slowly picking up the fragile remains of my past, patching up the holes that have been left behind. I finally feel the love and appreciation I have always longed for.
My mind knows that the love is real and yet I am full of such...apprehension.  Something stops me from letting my guard down. I am still filled with unease when I hear his phone ring. I'm still scared of getting my heart broken again. I don't distrust him. I know its my arms he wants wrapped around him at night.
This battle makes me feel crazy. I don't want to be the reason for the hurt behind his eyes. I don't want to be the one that causes pain instead of healing a broken heart.
With all the love I feel surrounding me, why does it still feel like there is something inside cracking? Like ice.
Is the ice inside me unthawing and cracking because of the warmth that grows from my soul or is the ice slowly creeping up my walls, another precautious barrier subconsciously forming to guard potential heartbreak.
I just want to finally live in peace, imaging our possible future. I don't want to be in any other arms, I don't want to be a part of any other mans life.
How do I stop this unnecessary battle inside from tearing this apart?

How do you do this? How is it that you make me feel so at home? I let my guard slip so easily when I'm with you.
What do you do that draws me in such way? Makes me want to let you in, explore the world inside my head. I want to let you wander where my darkest secrets reside.
Ill give you the key, allow you to dance with my demons. Just as long as I may do the same. I think our monsters would play well, eventually they could even be friends.
Its like you have awakened this fire deep inside me. Illuminating the corners that I've been too afraid to explore.
All of my fears seem to disappear.  Its almost like you are building this new realm, a world meant for just us

I know what its like to be broken. Im full of cracks that my past left behind, and I've had my heart ripped out and shredded in front of me.
I want to kiss all of your wounds, I want to heal the pain from being broken. I can't make it disappear, but I want to help you rebuild.
The same thing you do for me.
That flame isn't going to fade. I've been broken down and abused and tossed aside so many times. I can't go through that again, if I break again, it will be the last time.
Others may make me smile, but no one else has ever made me feel ALIVE. Just your touch makes me feel ways I never thought I'd feel again. You mean more to me than I could ever put into words. I would and I will do anything I have to, so I don't lose you and lose the fire you ignited.
I want to pick up the pieces she left behind and put them together with the pieces of me. Find the way that they all fit together, in disarray and chaos, but they make something beautiful. Something that some people wait a lifetime for and never find.
**** the drugs. I understand what its like to be stuck in its grasp. Its controlled my.life once before. Im not going to let it try to take control again and keep me from something so beautiful. Something I've searched for, that I never thought I would have after Chris died.
I want you, all of you, the good the bad the ****** up and broken.
I'll fight till death to keep that flame from disappearing.

I'm just a regular guy who has more problems than solutions. I'm struggling to get by in my every day life. I'm addicted to the one drug you don't want in your life, I'm so broken inside that I don't know how to even begin mending. I gave my heart and soul to the last person I loved and you saw the left overs. I'm used and abused by everyone because I have no backbone or ability to say no. I put on a smile when I'm crying inside. I love to see you smile because I can see the pain behind your eyes. You have. So much to give to the world and it makes me feel good to know I've helped you out of the shadows. However I fear the day you realize that you don't need me anymore. That there are others who will make you smile and feel alive once our flame has become familiar. I guess I'm scared to lose you once I have given everything I am to you. I'm scared of the day you wake up and realize you don't feel the way you do now. I've been bent as broken so many times that I don't know if I'll make it through another one. Please don't take what I've written wrongly. When I look at you I surprise myself with the warmth that overcomes me. The sensations that flow through me like electricity at your touch. We can spend endless hours together in silence and never have an awkward moment. I'm taken aback by how easily I've let you in and how deeply I can see myself falling or you.

Darling, you're confusing. Like a puzzle that can't be solved.
You remind me of a book that hasn't been read. The pages only skimmed, touched by rough fingers, sometimes tearing your fragile pages.
I want to immerse myself in your words. I want to tear them apart, dissect them so I can see what's underneath. I want to be a part of the story you have yet to finish.
Im drawn to you like the morning tide.
I would love to explore the depths of your existence, if only you were to let me. Even just for a quick moment.
I can feel your insecurities, the ones hidden in the depths of your pages. I know them all too well, like they are my own.
Won't you let me break down your walls, explore the world of your subconscious thoughts.
Let me in, please?
I showed you the heart I wear on my sleeve. I gave you the pen, invited you to help finish the novel that hasn't been published.
I want to show you what its like, show you that you aren't alone.
Let me be the one to help knock down the temple walls you cling to so dearly.
If you could only see what I do.
I want to become a part of your world. Immerse myself in the depths of your existence.
Are you ready?
I want to break you down, rip apart the images you have created. I want to see you totally exposed. I'll stand with you, I'll show you my skeleton. Let me be the one that helps paint the walls of your psyche.
Do the same for me.
Tear me down, rip me to shreds. Shine a light in the darkest corners of my being.
We will rebuild ourselves. Refurbish  old images. Bit by bit, using scrapes from our ruble. We can create a world that is for us. Parts of us, mixed together, securing the infrastructure.
Let me be the only light to shine in your temple. Let me mend the pages that were torn by careless fingers.
I want to melt, my colors bleeding into yours. Illuminate our souls with the fire we sparked together.
Do you trust me?
Will you take my hand? Will you allow me to catch you incase you slip? I won't let you trip over the liter left behind by our pasts.
Leap with me, dive into the world we create. We can fall together.
What do you say?
I've given you the key to my pages, the pen to write your words down.
Will you do the same?
Hand me your key, I'll show you what its like. Remind you how it feels when my pen touches the pages of your soul.
Give me your love, your heart, your life.
I'll handle it with care.

Gazing at the stars, she searched for him. The tears sparkled like the night sky that winked back.  
Somewhere deep inside, her conscious  screamed, begging for mercy. Not a single sound escaped from her mouth.  
For the first time in years, she didn't fight, but rather, welcomed the chaos that brewed in the depths of her psyche.
She let it break her down. Bit by bit, until all that's left are the ashes of past lives, a skeleton of a once vibrant being.
It felt good, comforting, to feel insane. So out of touch with the rest of the cosmos.
There she stood, like the statue of a love scorn woman, letting her soul burn.
Engulfed by the internal flame, the ocean whispering its sweet nothings, her smile crept out of hiding. It spoke 1000 words.
She felt like the sea, calm on the surface  but underneath it all was uncontrollable disarray.
Hidden secrets, bidding their time until destruction.
The cool breeze wrapped its arms around the core of her being, soothing her stifled sobs.
A reminder that she's not alone. He is there. Watching. Waiting. Protecting.
The tide that splashed up, reaching up to lightly kiss her skin. Inhaling deeply, she could feel his energy rush into the darkest corners of her mind. A reminder of a love she used to have.
She seemed so beautiful in her pain. She carried it so well. It was buried so deep, but her eyes made the cracks in her armor visible.
He looked down at her, admiring the beautiful disaster he began to create.
Those tears were his doing. He broke her heart, shattered into thousands of pieces. His decision drove her into madness.
Oh, what he would give to take it all back. To wipe away her tears, never letting them touch the ground.
If only they had realized that their love would have been the saving grace.
He whispers another apology, the sea kissing her skin once more.
His name passed by the gates of her mouth, without a sound.
She held her breath and let herself be taken over.
One last breath before she dived in.
The ocean swept her up, off to the love of her life.

It wasn't that long ago that I craved her with every part of my being.
The mornings that I would wake up,begging to feel her coursing through my veins. Her arms curling around every inch of my body. Oh, how comforting she was.
Some days, she was my muse. Some days, she was my worst ******* nightmare. I swear she got off on how much she could hurt me. Her sadistic laughter, while I felt like my insides were being fed through a meat grinder. The nights I stayed up, shivering cold to the bone, yet couldn't stop sweating.
Those were the nights that I wished I had broken it off, if only it had been that easy.
I can still smell her almost everywhere I go. That horrid sour stench, at times its so strong, I can taste it.
The days when I craved her company seem like distant memories. She does manage to corner me on my off days. She can tell I could so easily accept her apology.
I've learned my lesson. I won't let that beautiful hurricane try to destroy me again.

I used to dread the day that one of us would have to make the decision to walk away. I never thought it would be so...liberating.
Your words mean nothing when your actions show your true intentions.
You care? Where were you when I called you crying at 4am? You miss me? Then pick up the phone, follow through when you tell me you'll come see me.
Im not hurt. Im not heartbroken. Its just life. I can go on just fine by myself.
I remember when I thought I needed you, then it was no longer a need but a want. I wanted company. I wanted you to be the one I shared my life with.
Now I'm drawing the line.
I won't play games anymore. I won't hope that you'll keep any of your empty promises.
Im not bitter, I'm not angry.
Im just growing up, and part of that means letting go.
Like they say, why cross an ocean for someone that won't even cross a puddle for you

I remember the days when my heart would light up when you walked into the room. The days when we sat wrapped in each others arms, watching the night sky with smiles on our faces and our heartbeats racing.
What happened?
Where did the nights that we had spent together run off to? Im sitting on the sidelines, watching the once brilliantly lit flow dwindle away to nothingness. My heart doesn't sing the the way it used to.
Why am I fighting for something that's already gone? What happened to the person that I used to know? The person that I loved..
We are nothing but an empty shell of something that was once so beautiful. My heart quietly breaks while we drift further and further apart.
I don't want to let go, but I'm not sure what it is that I'm even holding onto anymore.
Where did we go? Was this bound to happen? Were we ****** from the start.
The hidden part of me, the one buried deep inside, knows that we have both already let go. That the beautiful light that had once shone so bright, was snuffed out and all that was left  are the ashes that silently float away on the cold breeze.  Whispering their somber goodbye, the words I'm too afraid to say.

I remember the days when my heart would light up when you walked into the room. The days when we would sit, wrapped in each others arms, watching the night sky with a smile on our faces, and our heart beats racing.
What happened?
Where did the nights that we had spent together, run off to? I'm sitting on the sidelines, watching the once brilliantly lit flame, slowly dwindle to nothingness. MY heart doesn't sing in the same key anymore.
Why am I fighting for something that's already gone?
Was this bound to happen?
Was it ****** from the begi
Where is the person I used to know.
The person that I once loved.
We are nothing but an empty shell of something that was once so beautiful.
My heart is quietly breaking, while we drift further and further apart.
I don't want to let go, but I'm not even sure what it is I'm struggling to onto anymore.
Where did we go?
My heart doesn't sing in the same key anymore.