Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Jul 2015 · 1.0k
Midnight
Ameliorate Jul 2015
Un-relentlessly beaconing to us with the ebb and flow of passing time,
Lake Winnipeg crashed against her rocky shoreline.
Creating harmonious ambiance for the star struck budding lovers lost in each others eyes.
Oh contingency, lock your hands with fate.
Make this moment surpass even time.
Jul 2015 · 752
Enveloped
Ameliorate Jul 2015
The suddenness of her lips on his left him momentarily stunned as he fought to steady himself once again
Swiftly recovering  his senses, returning her kiss feveroisly.
Tongues intertwined softly, breathing heavy and labored.
A powerful electricity buzzed between them
The energy from the vastly starry night sky radiating down upon them, casting everything within a ravishing glow.
His dimpled, beautiful smile; powerful enough to render any woman incapacitated.
Her eyes shone brightly as the stars above.
Below them, the lake water called out, beconing.
An inviting sonnet, lapping against the rocky coastline with a steady rhythm like their two hearts beating.
Enveloping them completely, becoming lost within each other and falling victim to the impossibly beautiful mid-July night.
Jul 2015 · 2.3k
Hecla
Ameliorate Jul 2015
Underneath the window to the galaxy we sat,
Basking in the warm red glow of the fire that burned brightly before us.
Swarms of Mosquitos nipping at whatever piece of skin they could sink their spouts into.
The wind roared, causing hot flare ups of the firewood sending us swinging backward batting away embers which had taken flight.
Sipping our drinks, smiling too widely, laughing with our friends.
Sharing unforgettable moments and making priceless memories;
All while the sky unfolded it's beauty above,
Holding each of us in our little places in the universe, so completely.
Pondering the vastness of it all.
Sitting under the Milky Way,
Making new friends and growing closer to the ones you've always known.
This is the magic of Hecla;
Hecla is part of us, forever.
Inspired by the gorgeous night sky over the weekend.
Jul 2015 · 602
Once upon a time
Ameliorate Jul 2015
Seventeen degrees outside, and you told yourself you weren't going to blissfully fall for the danger which knocked on your door last Thursday.
You fought the inevitable, and while eleven pm turned into rough kisses you told yourself "not him".
Because you knew deep down that he wasn't ready.
Eating up his advances like a delicious piece of cheesecake, you opened yourself up to him.
A month ago strangers, first time meeting turned into hours of alcohol induced conversations while you showed each other the music which made your souls tick.
Sleeping on the couch in the living room turned into sleeping in his bedroom and you laughed because everything fit together so easily.
His heart still guarded strongly between the protective distance he built to sway advances of any female he wasn't taking to bed.
But somehow you saw through the defenses, and **** around.
This cancerian writes a new love story each passing day.
I've been writing a lot of love story fantasy pieces lately.
Jul 2015 · 427
12:44 am
Ameliorate Jul 2015
You were the only thing in the Universe shining brighter than any star above us in the sky; the night I realized I loved you.
Jul 2015 · 1.0k
Thoughts
Ameliorate Jul 2015
I can't stop thinking
I can't shut it off
My mind is mess
Poured neat on the rocks
Time constantly changes
As we fall apart
And glue ourselves back together
Duct tape around my heart
The bottle is empty
Somehow we drank it dry
Midnight is upon us
I just want to know why?
Quick little scribble
Jul 2015 · 1.6k
Flighted
Ameliorate Jul 2015
Unleashed
She is finally freed from her cage
Her flight feathers grew back
Her wingspan impressive like the dawn of a new day
Flighted, and ready
She takes to the sky
An eruption of beauty
Never to be seen again.
Jul 2015 · 466
Mommy;
Ameliorate Jul 2015
Mommy spoke to god today
He told her to wash all of my sins away
I put up a fight, but mommy won
I'm in the tub with my clothes still on
She shoved the shower head up to my face
This is a punishment for my disgrace
I swore out loud, I started to cry
Water poured into my eyes
I cannot see, I dare not to breathe
A few moments of torture and I hope I break free
Mommy has to wash my sins away
God told her so today
He said I was bad
Young children must obey
I don't even know what I did anyway
I cannot scream
I cannot cope
Mommy please stop you're making me choke
Ten years old
Nothing but cold
After a few moments she allowed me to go
The apologies followed
I felt oddly betrayed
"Do you not love me?" I wanted to say
Mommy is okay now
Thankfully Mommy calmed down
I don't understand
The force of her hands
God spoke to mommy today
The water washed my sins away
Am I a good girl now?
I'll try to behave
I'm just a child
Looking to you for guidance
I'm not feeling very confident about sharing this piece. It stems from an incident when I was a young girl living with my mother who has mental illness. However back then we didn't know that or understand. She was in one of her attacks, I was about ten years old and she threw me fully clothed into the bathtub. And held me there for about ten minutes with the shower pouring cold water all over me to try and "cleanse" me.
This piece doesn't really express the fear I felt, but I wanted to try write it from the innocent POV of a child.
I'm not fully comfortable writing about my past, but this is a start.
Jul 2015 · 931
Marion
Ameliorate Jul 2015
Imagining your lips trailing soft delicate kisses across my skin
Leaving little goosebumps in it's wake
My body tingling in response as you send shivers down my spine
Feeling your breath, hot on my neck as I arch my back in a primal response
Your fingers lingering in the most sensitive of places, calling out a dark sudden urge inside me.
You toy with me, cradled away from the world
For a night I am yours, lost within a sea of blankets and soft, delicious moans.
I am your marionette and tonight, you're pulling on all of my strings.
Control me, puppet master.
Your every wish is my body's command.
Jul 2015 · 833
Eyes
Ameliorate Jul 2015
His eyes,
Burned into the deep backwoods of my mind,
Calling out to me even more with the passing of time.

Secretly glancing over at you,
Desperate to know if your eyes want mine too.
Jun 2015 · 288
Until then
Ameliorate Jun 2015
There doesn't seem to be a place for me among the busy roads of everyday life.
I wander aimlessly amongst myself for I don't know what I am searching for or if I will find it.
Nestled away in the concrete jungle, among the shelter of a bedroom.
Light peaking through the drawn blinds.
I wonder when I will come home to you.
Jun 2015 · 5.6k
On Lust;
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Feeling your hot breath against my mouth as you exhale into me.
Your lips against mine, filling my body with unanswered desire.
A kiss so strong I have to steady my body against yours for fear of falling.
Timeless
As you find the light in me.
Jun 2015 · 465
Could you?
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Brown eyes which mirror mine
Could you sing to pass the time?
An old one from my archives; December 18, 2015
Jun 2015 · 764
Souls
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Souls
Embodied inside flesh, bone, blood
Searching
Across distances and lifetimes as they say
Awaiting the day you reconnect with that missing piece
The one who will breathe a new life into you
Electric pieces combine
Fizzing, sparking, fulfilling
Creating a whole once again
Soulmate
Seeking what you once had within
To become what you shouldn't have to live without
Jun 2015 · 4.8k
Perfectly Imperfect
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Imperfection intertwined deeply within my roots
But with a smile like this, ah
Who's to say what perfection is anyway?
Jun 2015 · 856
In Friendship
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Welcome Back
My dear friend
I've missed you
You've been gone so long
Lost amongst the passage of time
Yet someone you returned
Made your way
Safely back
Back to me
Jun 2015 · 538
From Within
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Mind to mouth, misconstrue
Topic of conversation here's looking at you
My hearts worth more than the money in my pockets
Penny for your thoughts if you could afford it.
My time is precious, you can't deny this
Heaven or hell, who knows which exists.
Mind on a billion things at the same time.
Curvature is more than a four letter word
Maybe my body has been found less desirable
But do you know anything that has been this reliable?
All of these little mind games
We play with each other each and every day
Times are a changing at least you can respect
Before you're left with nothing but regrets
A little something about feeling insecure, and unwanted because I'm heavier than average.
Jun 2015 · 333
A Short
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Sometimes we become so very afraid of our own shadows, that we forget there's so much more to be scared of in this world.
Jun 2015 · 1.1k
Snake Master
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Oh snake master, with your deep eyes and your skillful tongue
Please uncage me and let me run my scales wildly through your hands
Hold me steadily, strongly as you tame me
Freeing me from the confines which house me
Oh snake master, your skin cool to the touch like mine
Pale white and smooth
We are different from each other, but similar
My blood runs cold while your veins pump warmly, coursing through your being
Oh snake master
Run your hands across my tiny body
Hold me firmly while you speak
Whisper softly to me as I wrap around your neck
Gripping you tightly as I become comfortable
You are not afraid
Oh snake master
Tell me your secrets
I am content here, now coiled around your arm
Your eyes glisten with hope, face handsome and young
I want to surround you, to find home within your warmth
Oh snake master
I feel your heart beating
You have me bewitched under your charm

Oh snake master
Oh snake master
Oh snake master
Jun 2015 · 668
Oh Stranger
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Life forces intertwining, strangers if not for a moment when their two worlds collide.
And somewhere lost to the years your soul recognizes one another.
Even if you don't care to admit it out loud.
Getting caught up in a sea of possibility, the unknown darkness creeping up into a new dawn.
And yet there he is beside you, for twelve hours ago you were strangers to an extent.
Meeting for the first time.
However you are still strangers now, as you lay side by side un-touching.
The words which escaped his drawn out perfect lips, ring through your head.
The scent of alcohol and cheap beer still linger in your mouth and cling to your unwashed skin.
You muster up everything in your being not to give in to the temptation laying beside you.
Because lord knows you want to.
But you already realize this is just another game of cat and mouse to him.
And no matter what, he will always be the victor.
Jun 2015 · 2.5k
Cotton Candy Sunset
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Clouds and colors painted across the sky,
Evening is upon us in all of it's wondrous glory.
The golden hour; an artist's canvas.
Sunlight glows over the treetops,
Saying goodnight to the daytime; welcoming dusk.
A sliver of the moon; peaking out making it's presence known.
For in a few short hours the sky will harbor a new scene,
One where the moon becomes dominant over all.
Deep blue darkness with perfectly plotted stars burning millions of miles away.
I wonder to myself of all the star crossed lovers,
Who have looked upon the same night sky.
I feel lucky to have you by my side in this moment of beauty,
For true love shall never die.
Jun 2015 · 475
No Vacancy [10w]
Ameliorate Jun 2015
One bed, two hearts
Lips meet, fingers touch
Welcome home
Jun 2015 · 579
Treasure
Ameliorate Jun 2015
These thoughts for you are unrealistic
Motion sickness, trying to get my heart to fix this
Wrong time, right pleasure
Make my knees weak where you buried your treasure.
Jun 2015 · 704
A Girl From The Sea
Ameliorate Jun 2015
She stands for solidity
A force to be reckoned with
Her name comprised of two syllables
Ebbing and flowing effortlessly like ships on a calm sea
Unmistakable beauty radiates
While people are drawn to her presence like a moth to a flame
This girl has a spark which is derived from her selfless soul
The way her eyes smile when she speaks
A true taste of simplicity.
Radiance, compassion
A true friend to have
Kelsey, my cousin
The girl who came from the sea.
Drawing inspiration from someone close to me.
Jun 2015 · 342
Thoughts Inside My Head
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Drowning in an unrelenting sea of my thoughts and feelings. A new wave crashes against the deck before the last wave is quelled.
It's endless, however it doesn't feel like a sea of hopelessness.
I am vastly built with all of these mechanisms, some good, while some are bad and could use a little fixing.
Incredibly headstrong, and my heart is constantly exposed.
Where as many aspects of myself stays the same, there are parts like the gears of a clock which are constantly moving. Changing, growing and replenishing.
Even though it's never proven a good trait, I tend to romanticize things, people, places...
A gorgeous smile in a dim-light room.
Eyes screaming "I want you", while you're fighting with your conscious not to give in to the temptation of what's before you.
Nights like this, alone in my bed. Wind howling outside and my mind being overly contemplative.
I find myself wanting to reach out to someone, to make some sort of post that intrigues someone enough to have a conversation with me.
But I'm so far from that person.
Hold it all in, keep it to myself like I always do.
These feelings will pass, but I don't want them to.
Jun 2015 · 906
Uncertainty
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Maybe I'm chasing a fairy tale.
A deep rooted facade, sending blind fools head first into heartache.
Maybe I'm chasing a dream.
Just out of my grasp, slipping blissfully through my fingers as I wake up from my slumber.
Maybe, just maybe what I lust after isn't so far fetched after all and I too have become jaded.
I've seen irrevocable and wild love, brought forth by gut busting laughter.
Smiles so wide you feel your face might split open seam to seam.
Your souls dancing around one another unable to sit silently for too long.
Moments pass and it already feels like you've been apart too long, even if you've spent days with them.
I know this exists; that warmth, the desire.
An urgency.
A fire coursing through my body begging to be released.
I know this irrevocable, passionate love exists.
But I don't know if it'll ever be waiting to be received by me.
I think we all feel this way at one point or another.
Jun 2015 · 1.7k
From Ash
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Rising, like a Phoenix out of the ashes.
Burning  the skies strike a match to the tarmac.
Holy water, sprinkle a dose on your sins;
Remember not to let the poison win.
A short little blurb
Jun 2015 · 494
When the snow falls
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Thick clouds covered the grey night sky. The air was unusually warm, sitting at just two degrees Celsius. An odd occurrence just days before Christmas. Laughter returned to my ears, bringing me back to my surroundings once more. Casting me out of the haze of a daydream I had been absorbed into.
You. Standing across from me. The blaze of the roaring bonfire being the only thing keeping me from you. Well, in my current fantasies anyways.
Despite all logic I am absorbed by you.
Your iridescent beauty, the smile which melts the deepest ice in my soul.
Just then your eyes snap up from your current conversation. You've caught me staring. We quickly look away, the rush of embarrassment and excitement so strong.
In this moment it's as if this fire burns only for us. An unspoken agreement with the universe if you will.
A romance of wood and fire.

Your hair falls into your eyes, and as you brush it away our eyes come to meet again. My breath seems to be coming in gulps now. Can you read me so clearly or am I as much of a mystery as you are to me? I want to dance with you. To feel the rush of your hands cradling my hips. The thought almost brings me to my knees and with that you're no longer in my line of vision.

"You look cold", you say and with that your arm wraps around my shoulder. Holding me tightly to your body. I could collapse right now and die happy. You're so casual about the whole thing I wonder if you've even been aware of the attraction I have to you.
Instinctively I nestle closer into your shoulder and I'm surprised to feel you tighten your hold on me.
My thoughts dance around the idea of putting my arm around your waist but I decide not to.
"Thanks, that's better" I laugh nervously.
"This fire really is quite beautiful", Cat says from somewhere beside me.
I smile in agreement, for it is a lovely night.
A million stars would be plotted across the sky if not for the cloud cover and the bare trees would make for the perfect canopy.

Slowly people disburse, wandering back into the confines of the garage. The snow is falling heavy now, big chunks of snowflakes sprinkles down on us layering in our hair and our  jackets.
And then it's just the two of us.
The nervous energy sending sparks through my body. I hope you don't pick up on it.
I slink out of your arms to rotate my backside towards the fire which causes you to laugh deeply. "You're one funny girl" you say. I don't know who is shining brighter.
I want to tear your clothes off.
For you to feel the passion raging through my body as I lust after you.
I want you to scream out with pleasure as I wrap myself around you....
You're standing in front of me again, inches from my body.
The ember of the fire burning red off your eyes.
I stand here wondering if I see the hint of desire in your eyes, or if it's just the reflection of fire, speaking for you. Telling your secrets.
  
Nearly knocking me off balance your lips are now heavy on mine.
Catching me so off guard I am almost rendered incapable of kissing you back.
When I find my footing I kiss you back hard.
Throwing all of my time spent watching you into it.
The times I just wanted to tell you how **** I found you.
Your tongue slips past my lips, lightly brushing against mine.
A harmony
You control this kiss, I am in it as long as you carry forth.
Our passion is coursing through my veins now. Every piece of me wants you to just take me now. Right here by the fire.
You eventually break away and I'm left gasping for air.
The taste of your mint gum lingers in my mouth.
We smile, and I am left stunned.
A winter time love story
Jun 2015 · 456
Alive
Ameliorate Jun 2015
The rock, a perfect place to be seated and become enveloped and lost in the sounds which surround you.
Nature at its finest.
The whipping of the wind, blowing on your skin and through your hair.
A pleasant sensation mixed with the thunk of the waves hitting the shore and rock.
A rather unique way of saying hello with each passing moment.
A combination of the wind and waves creates this aura of serenity.
A calming only experienced by the person in the moment.
Nature is full of life, and sounds which is not appreciated enough.
The rock is teeming with life.
The little flies, who in turn play a part in the annoyance of biting your skin. Everything coexists together and it's a shame any of it has to be interrupted because people came into the land to essentially take over and share in the beauty of the land.
Nothing quite says brisk like a dip in the lake while partial cloud cover and wind blows by.
I want to stay here, forever.
Written at Blue Lake, Ontario. July 28, 2014
Jun 2015 · 536
Trajectory
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Your eyes dance with me, a sweet un-changing melody. I find myself orbiting you, as if I were the only planet in your solar system.
To find myself wrapped in your arms a desirable longing that's left unquenched.
I want to see your bottom lip tremble, to feel the gasp of breath escape your parted lips.
I want to feel you quiver beneath me as you sing a harmonious tune.
Lock eyes with me within our dance.
I want to sing for you, too.
Jun 2015 · 921
Bathed in Darkness
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Take the plunge with me
Answer to the irrevocable calling that is this moment
Maybe in comparison the fear you might have if you were to jump off a cliff bungee jumping.
For this we won't have harnesses
Only flesh embodied, skin caressed with the warmth of the blankets and each other.
Swim with me in this forbidden pool
The night is young and the taste of white wine heavy on your tongue
Jun 2015 · 460
Musings
Ameliorate Jun 2015
He undressed you with his eyes long before he planted that greatly anticipated kiss on your mouth.
Taking you by surprise as suddenly his lips fell heavy upon yours.
The aroma of consumed alcohol sweet on his breathe as you tasted each other for the first time.
Afterwards he laughed because you were a good kisser, and seemingly all those wasted kisses were the unscheduled target practice for the moment in front of you.
You toyed with his attention, finding it refreshing after barren winters with less feeling than that of frostbite.
His eyes consumed your view, unable to quite place the color. You just started uninhibited into his vision galaxy.
"You're eyes are beautiful", erupted from his lips like a geyser, nestling deep into the crevices of your soul and finding a home among the dust and cobwebs.
His words on replay like the playlist you comprised of the songs that he showed you.
Your subconscious ushering threats of caution, beware that of beauty.
The laughter shared was infectious and for the first time you felt whole, but not because a pretty eyed boy was attracted to you.
Sharing close quarters with a similar soul.
Those eyes burned a hole into the back of your mind, written in stone until they're chosen to be forgotten.
Replaying the events of that night, to as not forget.
Dance with the devil, because he's disguised as a beautiful boy with greyish blue eyes.
Jun 2015 · 411
Anonymity
Ameliorate Jun 2015
Forget your appearance
Erase your name.
Relish in the anonymity
The freedom of new beginnings.
Who was I?
More importantly, who have I become?  -----
That can only be told by the future.
Matters not does the past
Be who you are without the confines of pressure.
For you are brilliant
In your own peculiar way.

- Natasha Whitley
Jun 2015 · 1.1k
Fireside
Ameliorate Jun 2015
There is a moment between the cusp of darkness, and the rise of the morning sun
Magic
As the colors of a new day creep forth
The fire crackles as the hot embers burn
Emitting enough heat that I am not cold as I sit here
Soon you return to me
The bench shifts under our weight
You don't say anything for a moment
Allowing the silence take us forward into a new day
We watch the sun slowly creeping
Turning to me, the orange-red of the fire catching the whites of your eyes, bathing them with the soft glow.
I catch you smile and I can't help but laugh
A strange thing us sharing this moment
I am sure you think it's strange too
"Quite beautiful", you say with absolute precision
I tell myself not to read into it
Looking at you, it's hard to not see the attraction
Your features are very warm, your eyes scrunch up like mine when you smile
I think you must know that you're handsome
How could you not?
The sky is a brilliant red now
Glowing off the backdrop of darkness.
The fire seems pointless now, since the sky has burst into flames
Maybe it too looks up in awe and wonder
Welcoming the light of a new day

Your hand finds it's way to rest a top mine,
The instant contact startles me
I feel myself blushing
Your eyes are filled with fire now
A deep burning that I couldn't see before
We sit there silently in the moment
As the morning comes alive.
Jun 2015 · 576
Churning
Ameliorate Jun 2015
My mind is an ocean
It's harsh waves drowning the things I cannot say for fear of harsh judgements
Toying with the things I want to
Like a small boat on the open water
The darkening skies harboring no nice weather
For your boat is out too far to return safely
You are alone tonight
With your bottle you plan on drinking dry
Your solitude can be your savior but it can also be your demise
And all that's left is me sitting here in silence, wondering why.
December 22, 2014
Jun 2015 · 287
Entangled within me
Ameliorate Jun 2015
You visited me in my dreams last night
Laying restlessly in my bed, wondering if sleep would consume me or if I were to lie awake until the early hours of the morn.
Adoration overcame me, and there you were walking towards me.
Myself paying little attention to the surroundings, fixed upon you as you  traipsed towards me.
Grin breaking upon your face.
Distant music flooded to my ears however I could not place a name to this familiar tune.
Reaching me, you asked me to dance.
I nodded clumsily trying to find the words to tell you I hadn't had the experience of slow dancing before.
You grabbed hold of my hand, leading me to the floor bridging the gap between our bodies.
A distance I always tried to keep due to uncertainty of how I would be perceived.
My breath hitched as you placed your hand across the small of my back
I could not sense anything from you
Taken aback by the pure spontinuity of it all, I allowed you to lead following your movements as best and gracefully as I could manage.
Whispering to myself many times not to step on your feet.
We danced, and after a few moments I allowed myself to just experience the time in which we were free to be as we pleased.
Carried away in the music
We danced long into the morning
Awaking with a smile on my face, your arms still wrapped firmly around me as you too slept and dreamed.
Jun 2015 · 274
Daydream
Ameliorate Jun 2015
You're inches away from me, but I want to feel you closer.
To feel your hand resting on my thigh, moving ever so slightly.
The pulse of electricity with each passing moment sends shock waves through my body.
Wondering if you feel this too.
As greedy as it sounds, I want to feel you wanting me.
Craving each inch of me.
Never feeling close enough.
You put your arm around me and I nestle closer to you on the couch.
We lay back like this.
I just want to dance with you.
January 31, 2015
Ameliorate Jun 2015
You were a poison
An exoskeleton of the lies you built around you
Your sole purpose; hate the world for the wrong done to you even if some of your pain was by your own hand.
A deadly plague infecting and wiping out the surrounding villages
You knew not of pure air
Just layered muck filled with pollutants, black tar and Crystal.
Oh how you loved Crystal
A true serpent with ice cold eyes
Luring in your victim and ******* the corpse dry
An endless circle of distraction, but you could never escape your mind.
Take a look back through history
Paints a clear image
All tyrants are brought down by a lesser Evil.
You too shall fall.
Written about a time in 2011
Jun 2015 · 263
About a Storm
Ameliorate Jun 2015
There is something so beautiful about a rain shower.
Water falling from the sky , light at first then turning heavy.
I never quite understood why people were so concerned about covering up from the water.
Feeling the rain fall on your skin is just part of the magic.
Fresh and wonderful.
Never seeming to last quite long enough to satisfy the wonder.
Rain is the strongest point of relaxation for me.
A powerful force released by nature in attempts to wash away all sorrows and anxieties.
The cool water on your skin reminding you that you're alive and breathing.
Everything is going to be okay.
Jun 2015 · 472
August 3, 2014
Ameliorate Jun 2015
The itch of a sunburn on my skin, being home is slightly bittersweet.
A reminder that problems which trouble your mind follow you everywhere.
I'm constantly caught up in the everyday battle of deciphering what's really there and what isn't
In the sense of real ailments and anxiety.
A trouble of the mind and body, plaguing me
Making me feel like some reject, unable to live a normal life.

But it started because of something I did to myself. Underlying feelings my entire life let loose by some rampant act of idiocy. (All to impress a dumb boy. )
Irrevocable and for years now it's been an ongoing struggle.
Trying to feel normal, when I can barely remember what normal is.
Constantly feeling like I have to explain every ******* symptom to someone so I don't feel like I'm dying.
It's exhausting.
It doesn't happen every day and I thank whoever for that, because if it was....
I don't know what I would do.

Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired with all these unexplained questions. Always searching for an answer. Hypochondriac tendencies, introverted so deeply without a reason.
And the entire time I've just wanted to feel like I'm not coming undone at my seams.
That I have more of a ******* purpose than over analyzing every single feeling I have in my body on a day-to-day basis. Somehow in all of the disarray, I found someone who loves me, my gigantic flaws and all, and despite all the trouble I have, sometimes I feel like if I don't keep it to myself that he's going to leave me.
Because who wants to be with someone who doesn't work at all?

A child of a mother who was severely schizophrenic. A father who was gone for too **** long, but not by his own fault.
Resentment towards a woman who despite her problems did everything in her power to keep her two children alive, when she probably wasn't feeling so alive inside. Raised by myself, with her guidance and having to come to terms with the fact that you spent your entire young-life knowing you didn't have a dad. To having him save you in the midst of a war you didn't want to have, and that was a miracle. Realizing all you knew in your life to that point was a struggle and not the way things were supposed to be. You were freed.
Spending the next few years trying to live up to my fathers seemingly unrealistic expectations, never quite understanding that was all that he was given. Trying to make the most of what he felt was slipping through his hands, and *******. To know then what I know now.
I wasted so much time just wanting to feel loved, because I was lacking what vital fundamentals I didn't have. Thinking that's what made life worthwhile.
Years passed, and I always told myself, diminishing my life struggles because someone has had it worse. But my struggles were real, and they mattered.

Never allowing myself to say "yes, you've been through hell" and it's ****** that I have to pay for it now. A few wrong choices can ******* up real nicely. How long do I keep resenting myself instead of accepting and moving on? My life has been filled with good intentions and wrong choices. Looking back at all the things that I've seen and all the people who have come and gone, I'm absolutely joyed I have who I have now.  The few who stuck around.

The hardest part of it all is telling yourself that you're okay, that you're going to be okay. Watching the city come alive on the balcony cause you're afraid to fall back asleep. Anxiety comes with a price. You lose pieces of your sanity.

Ultimately in life's big write your own song- you learn a few things. Feeling the cold air making my hair stand on end, causing a shiver reminding me that I am alive. Without my struggles and problems I've experienced there is no way I could've shaped into the individual I am. Something to say thanks to.

A deep breath, a longer than usual exhale.  Acknowledge these feelings for what they are. I hope they won't be here forever.


-spoken word.
I wrote this last August, as a spoken word piece I am ultimately proud of.

— The End —