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K Alexys Sep 2015
Not again.
I think I like him.
But we're just friends.
K Alexys Sep 2015
i want enough liquor to make me sick
i want the most toxic **** for killer spliffs.
i want all the coke that i can get.
overdose tonight so every other i'll forget.
want nothing to do with sobriety or real life.
all my reality is is  just not right.
everything i do is for a good cause
but i cant seem to be cared for at all.
i want to sit on the floor, drugged and laughing.
i want to run on the walls free and happy.
i want to lose myself and not be me for the night.
overdose on the bitter sweetness of life.
possibly slipping into the next, and if i do, goodnight.
K Alexys Sep 2015
your love sits on my chest like an overweight elephant,
imagine all that weight plus the obesity of your neglect,
crushing my heart that was once so delicate...
breaking the whole foundation of my chest.
i try to push back but my arms snap under the pressure,
i try not to love you so the weight might lessen.
but i never seemed to be able to lift you and your darkness.
because of you it takes much more pain for me to be broken hearted.
it may sound better, like nothing phases me as much..
but if pain and more pain affects me like nothing,
then how will i ever be strong enough to build myself,
how will i ever stop falling and finally get up...
i wish that you'd just get off me i wish you'd just roll over.
instead it seems you keep eating and the disease is moving closer.
instead of affecting you it drops right down to me,
my heart explodes and bleeds and you finally get up to leave.
K Alexys Sep 2015
i remember when my life was simple.
when i had everything to live for.

i place my ******* on my chest
right under my left breast
feel my heart beating but i dont want it to any more.
i want the life i had before.

i wish that i could just do it.
the knife is pressing my skin but wont go through it.
what is scaring me more than to continue living?
the pain?

letting go of what i know i hate doing?
life...

what's keeping me from leaving it?
that i can't come back to it or that i'll be bleeding then?

blood makes it real,
blood will make me feel,
and by then it would be too late.
my life all over the blade.

what's stopping me, i mean really?
i really want to go, right?

or do i want to stay and just live a better life?
that's the problem.
i dont know how to make it better.
i just want the life i had, i want the life that i remember.
K Alexys Sep 2015
She's abandoned.
She's sick.
She's so sweet,
Her heart is thick.
She's full of flaws,
Scars on every inch of her skin,
She doesn't speak because no one listens.
Depressed but mistaken for happy.
Locks the emotions away when she's angry.
Pleases everyone else without acceptation for herself.
She adopted a lonely spirit,
Whom replaced the one she was born with.
Over time they beat the crap out of her,
She could only feel more alone, then.
She has so many experiences that you just would  not believe.
They'd sound like stories and even more they'd make you feel like you had just gotten beat.
They'd make you feel the need to feel free and alive,
She's been killed and brought back to this devil of her life.
She's been destroyed and put together again so many times,
She doesn't know when it'll end but she's already gone inside.
Her mind is so open you could walk right in.
Have a seat, look around, ask any questions.
You can pick her heart up and she won't even gasp,
Until you drop it and the pieces cut you like glass.
She'll run for the broom and pick it all up,
Sew together that beautiful cut.
She hopes that now she's worthy of your presence and memory.
She wants to be cared for,
She needs company.
Every day is the same for her, nothing ever changes.
The suffering is routine and she hides all the pain.
Even though she's so hurt that she has a knife by her bed,
She can not seem to think of leaving her head.
If someone should come in and sit down and read,
They too,
Will have the knife,
But never be able to leave.
K Alexys Sep 2015
From my traumas was born a feeling.
A desire that came way too early.
Curiosity introduced pleasure.
And once it was found, control was beyond measure.
If I told you I was so young that I hadn't yet even shaved,
Yet I was touching myself under my desks back in third grade.
Wanting the attention of a boy,
Wanting to be wanted to feel loved and enjoyed.
Progression through time had me messaging all these guys,
They wanted me and I wanted that and as time went by,
Messages turned to descriptions and those turned into pictures,
The guys turned into men and there were so many of them.
I don't know if I love to please or if I just love them wanting me,
But I have to do it and I can't control it,
Who has been through this who really knows it?
Abuse made it worse because I wanted to be loved.
First time having *** was the first hit of my drug.
I couldn't stop there I had to have more.
I didn't want their time I really just wanted to score,
Like I had no respect or I had no beliefs,
Just giving myself to the people who deeply attracted me.
I would get aroused looking at someone and my mind would begin to imagine.
And of course the next day with a stranger you know what happened.
And i never felt ashamed i felt great i felt so happy.
I had to do it again until i did and it felt ******.
It got worse,
I couldn't say no.
Like my mind wanted to stay but my body made me go.
I even have to do it when I'm all alone,
*** is my addiction
you'd think i wanna quit but I don't.
It's a problem, it really is,
It's dangerous and I know.
But I can't help myself and I can't get enough
K Alexys Sep 2015
and yet another sad poem.
because i cant seem to fix my problems.
because the issues that i have i cant do anything about them.
i wish that i were someone else.
i couldnt just be normal, could i?
and people offer to help but they only say it they dont mean it at all.
i do for everyone to make them happy,
maybe they'll love me maybe they'll thank me,
instead they send me away and as much as it hurts i still care and give them all my effort...
i dont want to live any more no i dont.
i dont want to give any more of my self.
i dont want to live any more i just cant...
i want to end it right now but love is holding my hand,
telling me please, stay,
dont hurt your family.
but what about them they never care if they hurt me...
why should i stay?
when i feel no value at all.
worthless,
i dont deserve this,
i pick myself up when i fall
because no one else will help me.
i dont have a purpose.
if serving people is all im good for,
its just not working.
i love to care and i love to make them happy.
but when they tear me apart in return i cant help but want to die.
and when i do they'll say they miss me and of course theyll wonder why.
i dont know what awaits me if there is another side,
but i know i'll find out soon because im running out of time.
i cant seem to be worthy of caring for no matter how hard i try.
i dont know how or when i'll go but when i do i hope they'll be alright.
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