Dear ex,

Sometimes when the sky is blue
I would be reminded of you
all the 'I love yous'
and the 'i miss yous'
that we shared
as we stare into each other's eyes
with a smile danggling on our lips.

and when the rain pour
I'll be reminded of the day
when you showed up in front of my door
drenched by the rain
eyes mirroring the pain
and never did you hesitate
to part your lips and say
let's break up


Now,

what used to be us
has now become you and me
what used to be we
has now become you and him
what used to be a team
has now become nothing more than a dream
we are nothing more than strangers
stealing glances at each other

I'm tired
Of walking with my gaze fixed on the ground,
Dragging my feet just anywhere around,
Trying hard to not stumble down.

I'm tired
Of flashing my smiles
And closing my eyes
Hiding whatever it is I'm feeling inside

Why oh why
You can see through everyone but me
When I'm as opened as a book can be
Or was it your choice to not to see ?

I know I've had my door closed,
But it was never locked
So why won't you at least knock?
Instead of passing by and ignore


If one day
I stopped asking "are you okay?"
Don't you dare to question me why
Because by then I'll laugh and say
You made me this way

missed your hi's
perhaps your hellos too
missed all those times
when there used to be us

used to wake up with your text
now all that left is you in my thoughts
wondering if you're okay
or if you're not

so ..
are you okay ?
do you still drink to get drunk ?
or have you stopped now ?

did you wrapped yourself up
when the weather is too cold ?
what about your cat ?
still as cute as ever ?

have i ever crossed your mind ?
even once ?
because you came and lingered in mine
as if it was your playground

Have you ever wonder,
What would it be like to put a knife atop of your wrist,
Run it back and forth,
As it slice through your skin.

Then the blood oozes out,
Staining the once white floor,
Will you be hissing in pain,
Or will you be crying out in relief instead.

Have you ever wonder,
What what would it be like to have your body numb and cold,
As you lay on the cold hard floor,
Waiting for darkness to swallow you whole.

Then you set your eyes on the countless photos on the wall,
Recalling each and memory back,
As you let more air to leave your lung,
Before it then came down to your one last breath.

So you whisper your goodbye to the tightly shut door,
The deafening silence,
Before you forced out one last smile,
And let everything go.

i do funny and i play stupid,
forgetting the pain that i safely hid.

untill the sun set,
and the moon and the stars meet.

only then that it come back,
all the pain and worries they strike.

oh no,
i won't let you see,
let all the burden be only on me.

oh no,
i won't tell,
let me bring it along with my last farewell.

just smile,
the way you always did,
let it be my last view.

just laugh,
the way you always did,
let it be my last music.

and when i say goodbye,
i wish to see you cry,
but I won't be the one to wipe your tears dry.

if you asks me
how important you are
I'd say very

you're the first that I thought of
when I woke up
evey morning of every day

kept your messages for the longest
just to reminisce
when the longing came when I expected the least

got so many things
to remind me of you
from the simplest to the grandest

everyday I'm left to wonder
if you're okay
or if you're not

if only
we're living in the same part of the globe
with no timezones to cope

I wish I can let it show
how much I worry
and how much I care

I'm not the one that you chose
but you're not the one that I wanna lose
and I'm selfish enough to want you close

a failure
that's what seeing you today felt like
seems like she can makes you laugh more
smile a little brighter
and speak a little louder

maybe it's better
that we're no longer together
because you seems just fine
better even
without me

oh
just how much we differ
for I'm no better
worse even
without you

I love you
Yet I don’t

Do I love you
Or the idea of loving you?

We broke up
And I have yet moved on

We stopped talking
Yet I can’t stop thinking
Of you

We stopped texting
Yet I’m still stalking
Your social media

So tell me
Do I miss you
Or the idea of missing you

why are you having anxiety? aren't you contented with your life? i mean, you're doing well financially, academically and nearly all other aspects in life. i just couldn't get it, why are you still having anxiety?

I'm doing well. better than some, quite like most and closely behind a few. but still, I'm having these anxieties.

because I'm raised to be better than everyone else, or to be at least at par, but never worse. if everyone is taking two steps forward, i should only be taking either two or three steps forward, but never one. because I'm not raised to be left behind.

i am raised with expectations, a whole lot of them. i am expected to be better. i am expected to be the best, one that they could boast to their friends about. i am expected to not be a failure, a defect.

i am expected to reach their expectations. this specific results in exam, this specific univ to attend and this specific career to choose.

so tell me, how could i live without these **** anxieties, when i have so much expectations on my back alone ?