when you are a little girl
they tell you
how to act
how to talk
how to smile
to always be forgiving

but how do we forgive
the man who couldn't help
but force his own body onto us
without consent

how do we stay quiet
and not speak up
when his fist meets our throat
and the bruises look of a
red and purple painting
mashed together with pain on our skin


i want to be like a vibrant watercolor painting
u n f o r g i v i n g

if you take advantage
of someone's weaknesses

that is
n o t
love

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy
But that will only be a wish because why would someone like me be happy with my appearance?
The constant dark circles around my eyes.
No it’s not from lack of sleep;
Stop saying it looks like eyeshadow.
My nose is great in size and my hair makes me look worse.
I put makeup on to cover it all; oh no, that can’t help
I’m far too ugly for anything to hide it.

I wish I was strong,
But I’m only weak;
Mentally and physically.
I want to be able to talk about defending myself and not get laughed at,
“How is that possible? Your arms are like sticks!”
“Nobody is intimidated by someone like you.”
Maybe one day you will realize how those words could hurt me.
There are some things I can’t control so stop making me think that there’s a way I can.

I wish I could help my friends understand how much they’re worth
By giving them good advice and being there for them,
But I have instinct to get jealous and pull away.
Sometimes I get so over my head
That when I realize this,
The damage has been done.
I instigate the situation
And don’t take responsibility for damage I do.

I wish I was okay with the person I’ve become
But I’m afraid that will never happen.
I don’t stick up for myself and I’m so indecisive.
There are times where I catch myself being embarrassed for some of the things I do
When I shouldn’t be at all. Why must I feel this way?
I let people control my emotions,
Which makes me say mean things that I wish I didn’t think.
I never take anything seriously
Which makes me look like an idiot.

I wish I was the person my friends see me as
But it’s only a mere wish that will never come true.

I had a dream
That she noticed me
That she smiled
And told me she’d walk a mile
If it meant that we could talk
And walk
Together

But then that dream
It went into a horrible something
When she didn't come to school
For a whole week

Let me just say
I was terrified
To think that the girl I
So desperately want
Was going through something
That makes her sad

I begged and pleaded
To every god I know
To just let me take her place
To let me deal with the pain
So she can smile again

It isn't fair
That she has to experience
Something that takes her smile away
The beautiful smile that I look forward
To seeing everyday
When I get to school

She is beauty, she is grace
And she has the most beautiful face
Personality
Abilities
And talents

What I wouldn't give
To sneakily hold her hand
Under the cover
Of a blanket we could share

For now I'll settle with the subtle flirting
And looking at each other
With those stupidly cute love eyes

I want to give her those love eyes

I guess I'm just a chaser

But I'm a chaser of a beautiful girl

Who doesn't deserve me