Was it casual?
Our long night talks and endless flirtations.
Those talks about our futures-as if we had a clue
Things we knew that we had to do
Watching movies on a call, but wouldn't do it without you
Was it serious?
Was it serious to you?
We would talk about everything and nothing at all
My darling little boy
Cosplaying a man
Telling me to be honest about my feelings but it was just
a helpless match.
No one made me angry like you
The frustration of being the only one who seemed to give a ****
Turned out you had someone else on your mind.
Someone who I shared eyes and genes
I don't think you feel the same.
Tell me that I am wrong
Tell me that I am mistaken
Give me a reason to believe you
Give me a reason not to leave you.
Tell me that you listened to me
Tell me that you respected he who I held dear
Tell me that you wouldn't lie to me
Tell me that you wouldn’t leave me here
Tell me that I didn’t defend you for nothing
Tell me that my friends weren’t right
Tell me it wasn’t casual
Or I have to leave tonight.

I don't like anyone, especially you.
Some till up up in the clouds, next to you.
My eyes avert you, down on my knees
Drink till I ache, ditsy-stole
knock on the red door
I don't even like you,
against the wall
I kiss you until our lips are bruised
No-"take a shot"
"Just one more"
Isn't that what you came here for?
I see a face in the window
Stranger in the mirror
it is just a cig
drunk dance on the roof-
with you.
I thought I didn't like you
you're on my
your body sinks around mine:
places it doesn't belong.
I wish I didn't like it.
I wish it wasn't you.

I don't think I deserve you.
that is my honest truth.
what we have, it is more than I ever bargained for
I am not complaining. I just don't know what to do.
I ******* in love with you.

Hello.
Don't
Be
Afraid.
It
Will
Be
okay.
I know this for a fact.
My
logic
is
a
little
bit
cracked.
I
Promise.
I won't leave you.
No side of you could push me away.
No truth.
No fact.
You
Are
Stuck
With
Me.
unless you push me away

6 months is a long time.
A long time to be "just friends" with a hint of something else.
Talking to you makes the overthinking quiet
My usually constantly moving brain stills
And for once I can’t think of what to say
But when you're gone i go back
Pick apart every word and phrase
Trying to figure out what I could say to make you stay
try to tell if you meant those sweet little nothings.
Prove to me that you did.
Prove you didn't lie.
Please.
Please
please-
pleas-
I plead.
I plead with you to end this wretched game.
I plead with you to tell me.
Tell me if all of these months have been for nothing
I am begging.
But then my knees start to bleed.
I don’t know how much longer I can kneel
waiting
Bruised with my perilous plead,
I am sick. I am sick of playing pretend.
I am sick of saying that "everything is fine"
I jump rope in between the lines.
The line between fine and lie.
Your feelings are what you call undefined
every changing. forever unrefined.
please.
6 months is a long time to lie.
a long time to repeat the same measly words
Those phrases that everyone in our generation says to avoid saying what we really mean
“What are you doing?” really means “I miss you”
“How are you?” really means that I don’t know who I am without you
over and over.
I need the truth.
actual answers.
Not the avoidant ominous lines that you have probably told 30 other people looking for something more that just friends with a little hint of something else.
I am begging.
The harsh ground digs into my palms as I lean over my thighs.
head to the floor as my tears soak the space underneath them.

I fell for it.
I fell for the pretty words
I fell for the pretend interest and the untrue wishes
But mixed signals is a system of control and commitment is your fear.
You put on a disguise to hide the part of you that you don't like.
You think that I want to fix you but there isn't anything to fix.
You aren't "broken" or "messed up".
You just didn't like me that much