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Linespace Jan 10
I used to welcome sleep
Sleeping felt like swimming in the void the universe was created in
Like embracing a home you've never known you had
Or a pet you once owned as a child
Sleep was comforting and welcoming as a mother is to her wounded child stumbling home from the war
A broken man

Now you've infected my dreams in an attempt to amputate my mind
You carve the walls and scrape the  ceilings of my skull
And raise the floors to create walls of an endless maze
You hunger for my brain so you may use it as a labyrinth to play in
I won't let you have it

I'd rather die than let you have it
The stakes are too high
The cost of failure too much
And losing is no longer an option

I only wonder
If it ever was
Or if I simply didn't understand the value
Of myself
In the eye
Of me
Linespace Dec 2019
Sometimes I see my past in your present
The twinkling eyes with each smile that radiates a room
The disappointment in self each lecture and post tantrum
I get scared about that sometimes because I want you to be better than me

But then I remember that people aren't "better" or "worse" than one another
And I shouldn't expect something I don't personally believe in
To apply to any situation
Let alone to you

So I struggle between

Raising you around your happiness, because I want you to have what I couldn't so ******* bad

And
Raising you with discipline, for the most righteous fist is the one that holds back when it isn't needed

And
Raising you as carefully as if we called a claymore mine home, and walked a driveway of tripwires

I parent in a tip-toe style
Hoping the foot prints I leave for you aren't too large for you to be unable to fill
While simultaneously hoping you don't follow them too closely
Or even that if you do, you won't be afraid to stray the path

I want you to be a great person
By your own volition
And sometimes I feel like I influence you too much
But you're still only a child
And have much to learn
And I as your humble caretaker, teacher, and protector
Really wish I knew exactly what the lesson plan you need is
But until I know what to do
I'll continue to try my hardest for you
Until the day my heart stops,
My teeth shatter like frozen tissue paper
And my last breathe and effort dissipates into the clarity you'll need when you need it.
Linespace Dec 2019
Live to die, or die to live
Those are the options presented to me by my reflection

**** my beliefs, my pride and upbringing
In exchange for a life I'd be better off with
Or
Continue on,
Pressing forward with the grace and majesty
Of a flaming steam roller heading for an explosive dumpster

I've always believed forward was the way to go
That when all else fails, anger would fuel me to surpass my goal
And I'd continue forward
Destroying all I cherished or opposed me
As such I've become conditioned to stay alert for debris
Never resting
Only forward

But now that isn't a necessity
Suddenly the fuel that's driven me all this way has been questioned on its efficiency

Suddenly, as if I am approaching a cliff,
Forward may not be the course of action anymore

I can stop
I can rest and breathe and cry
I can be angry and grieve
And let the bottles of fuel drop into the sea below
Building my path and next bridge to burn
That may not even be flammable

I worry if I stop moving
That that's it.
Where I fall I sleep forever more,
Never to stir to continue the path.

So do I **** myself to live as a free man,
Connectionless to this place I've become familiar with
Or live to die by my own self destructive nature.

The hand hovers on the knife
I can take it with me to fend off those who may threaten, hurt or offend
Including myself;
Or use it to cut myself from my frame
And live freely

Give in to Win
Or Resist the current
My fate lies in my decision
Of turning the tides.
Linespace Nov 2019
J.A.O.
My initials
Three letters, representing the sounds I've obediently responded to my entire life
But acron- I mean initials
Can sometimes stand for multiple things

Take mine for example
It can stand for my name
"Jam and Oranges"
"Jail and Outbreak"
See? My initials can mean a lot

But when you take context
Which defines an acronyms given meaning
You get the exact meaning behind each symbol

So let's look at the context
My family tends to be repetitive
They're unable to easily cope with most things
And get overwhelmed by emotions to the point
Where they stick them in bottles to brew and fester
Well, I do that too
Ive been trying to stop
But I still do it

They drink
I drink
They smoke
I smoke
They act with reckless abandon in any given situation
Dido
They don't respond well to confrontation
Yeah. Hi.
Swearing like a sailor?
Check.

So maybe my initials don't stand for my name
Im sure they once did
But as far as I can tell
It could just as correctly mean
"Just Another Ortiz"
Linespace Nov 2019
I've been thinking about you each day, maybe twice
And how disfigured your world views can get
And how I could help if I could go back with abilities to stop regrets

I'd tell you not to worry but I know that's a lost cause
Because back then you were trying to treat your feelings with rap gauze

I'd tell you love yourself because you're the only one that matters
Or maybe tell you how my brain works now, to see if you'd get sadder
I know the world was built on shakey grounds of lots of stress
But no one you know thinks like you son,
That was your genesis

I would tell you how you should see your dad
But back then if anyone bad talked the family you'd get mad
So maybe I can tell you why everyone is out to hurt you
Or why you'll try to make your life close the ******* curtain.

Maybe I can give you space to ****** grieve
Over your aunts, uncles and friends that had to leave
Maybe discourage your ambitions and untie the knot
I know life's a surplus of vacant parking lots
Where dreams, ambitions and desires start punching rocks
Until they're morphed into creatures you refuse to acknowledge
Until your final break down at the "Pittsburgh Rip off College"

Maybe I could tell you to feel your pain
Or lessen the impact of prescription drugs on that younger brain
Maybe even make you into who you're meant to be
But I fear that that answer maybe me

I'd tell you to talk to mom, and open up
Take up the vacant room she left you in that hut
I'd help you sleep at night with soulful lullabies
And put you to sleep with our own hurt pride

Maybe if I could bleed the effects of the pre-condition
You'd be intelligent and have some kind of ancient wisdom
Lessons that stuck from two worlds apart
But most of all, I'd tell you to take the sleeve from that bleeding heart
There's no wound to nurse once you break the silence
Because the only reason it still hurts is cuz you're keeping quiet

You'll grow up to be a manipulator
The kind of person you won't despise until much later
The kind of person that uses people for mental exercise
The person who isn't afraid to resort to lies.

Sometimes I wonder if it would even make a difference
Or if the timeline would adjust the route,
Like a downhill liquid.

I killed myself to make me view
That life is how I see it,
So now I look at you.
Linespace Nov 2019
421
Last year at this time, I was snuggled into your neck
Our breathing was in sync and you held me tighter than anyone I've ever met my entire life
It felt like our souls were in a dance among the stars we gazed at just minutes before.

I was also in four pieces
Clean cut, defined and precise
My psyche was a honed machine that operated at four different levels
Constantly working to see what information I could siphon
In order to better understand the world

Then the parts turned
Famished eyes seeing one another for the first time
And realizing how much information was there,
How much information was untouched

And they encircled one another
Ripping each other to shreds and slowly chewing and savoring
Each bite a bitter slap to the face with raw information from the universe itself
Painful
Heartbreaking
Addicting

Now I'm better (probably)
I don't know what parts ate what
Or what that will do to them
I don't even know how many are left

I just know what I experience daily
Each blessed moment of clarity
Each time my own synapses spits in my face
Each moment that I wonder who or what I am
Knowing the end will never come
Unless I ask it to nicely.

If only life hadn't taught me my ******* manners.
Linespace Nov 2019
When I let my mind wander it often dreams timelessly
Creating vast wastelands of impossible concepts and places that never existed
A junkyard of delirium and broken hearts

Lately it's been dreaming of the realistic and dark
Fantasies and a gravitation towards the fate of the spiteful

It always starts with tears, and screaming
I punch at the walls setting fire to my domain with each strike
Ripping chunks of aortic valves from my sleeves with the fury of a rabid wolf

Then once all has settled and I sit in my piles of ash
I sob
It isn't like the first time
There aren't any screams
Or the thudding of my bloodied and stained hands against drywall and wood
Or the thundering echoes of each heartbeat ripping apart my eardrums

There is only a soft
Drifting and muffled sobbing containing more pain than the mass graves of my ancestors

Then it stops

A grunt
A crash
A choke
A gasping and struggling sound escapes my throat
Despite the belt wrapped around it trying to pin each cry and plea to my neck

I float
Like an angel watching silently over the world encased in my tomb
And as the sun rises and sets
and rises and sets
and rises and sets
and rises and sets

Only the moon will know what atrocity I have committed
In defiling my soul and beliefs
And turn my back on hope once and for all
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