It’s three am and I’m currently debating talking to ghosts about my problems
Because I stayed up till three am thinking about said problems without actually trying to **** myself, I’ll give myself a pat on the back make myself a tea in the mug you left at my place and call it self care,
I talk to the ghosts about my problems and they don’t answer back,
The same way you won’t answer my calls
The same way I know you won’t answer my calls because like the ghosts you are dead.
Because you decided to **** yourself.
And I hate you for it
I hate you because I know you stayed up till three am thinking about your problems
I hate you because sometimes I wish you talked to ghosts about your problems
Talked to me
I hate that I didn’t notice
I hate myself for hating you at first
I still use your stupid mug
It’s just like every other ******* mug
Just drank by a ghost
It’s like everything is still in slow motion, but also a silent film.
It’s like I’m not even sneaking out for a cigarette anymore,
I light one in the room with the door open.
It’s like I’m not trying.
My grades are dropping as well as my bags are growing,
They ask me if I’m sick and I say, yea
It’s the cold
I have a cold
It’s been a while since I’ve tried to make sense of it all
It’s actually been forever in my mind since I’ve tried to make sense of anything,
My ideas, my thoughts, my problems they all jumble up together in my head,
They all started to look the same.
Maybe it’s Cause I keep looking for love in the same places I loose it,
Maybe it’s one of the many problems I’ve yet to admit I have thats keeping me interested in anything,
I’m so interested in the thoughts in my head I forget the date,
But I’m so interested in remembering the date that I don’t pay attention to the problems — thoughts. In my head.
It’s like when someone flicks the light switch on in a dark room over and over again, for a moment everything makes sense then you can’t see, and then can then you can’t,
And it just becomes a loop,
Like a Spirograph it looks beautiful on paper but once you try to follow it the more beautiful it is the harder it is to follow it. I’m really ******* tired of being a Spirograph. Beautiful on paper
But really hard to follow.
I’ve been told not to get to attached to people,
Because when they eventually leave I’ll get hurt and that got me thinking that the being scared to be happy is the worst fear
I know being so scared to get hurt that I became almost get scared of closeness,
if I get punched enough a open hand is almost a closed fist,
if I get my heartbroken enough, love almost seems like a tragedy.
I know that I used the word almost because I’m still scared to admit all of this,
I know only the words you’ve told me, even your lies could become my truths and I would never know the difference
So lie to me
Cause I wanna be attached (hurt) by you
I always wanted to be a writer.
I wanted to be able to take my thoughts and put them In words, take the Spirographs that are my thoughts and follow the constantly over lapping lines, but it’s so confusing
You see I wanted to be a writer,
but every good writer has had a trauma, some sort of thing they went though, I thought I needed that to be a good writer,
In fact I wanted a darken past.
I wanted to be a wilted willow in sunflowers.
You see I asked for it.
You see I always wanted to be a writer,
I basically asked for it.
My first kiss wasn’t with a boy I loved.
It wasn’t even with a boy I liked.
It wasn’t a dare.
It wasn’t a mistake.
My first kiss was a moment, two people in the same place at exactly the right time it made all the sense in the world but I am like swift winds. I move to fast and spread my self too thin and I let moments pass.
Because that is what happens with moments they only last a moment.
And the moment ended and time pasted and he had other moments and lived in them and I was still playing that moment in my head because it felt like I wasn’t really there.
When I asked what the moment meant to him he said, I don’t know.
Sometime I wish he said nothing or every everything, just anything more then I don’t know.
I didn’t kiss a boy I loved.
I didn’t kiss a boy I liked.
Instead I kissed a moment.
And I think I missed the moment.
If I told you my favorite colour was yellow would you believe me?
Even if I was smiling and bouncy and happy as could seem.
You would believe my lies in yellow that happiness in it beacuse i truly love brown but you would question it cause it's ugly and gross and not smiley and bouncy and happy as could be.
But separate brown take it apart peice by piece and see the colour it took to make brown see the yellow and greens the blues and reds the purples and orange and see all, all the effort put in to brown pick it apart and see that I do want you to pull me apart too,
see me like brown,
see what I took and place to make it me to make me seem happy as could be seem look at the yellow colour i say so I seem like me
My favorite colour is brown but you wouldn't believe me beacuse it's ugly and gross and doesn't seem happy as could be.
It a great thing to be in the middle of fades between the lines of black and white
It's great to be gray to dissappear into the black like a shadow or like walking out in the middle of the night to not be noticed
Or never have any eyes on you
don't be seen
no mistake noticed.
the white does not always shine on you and when it does you can easily go back to gray
It's great to be gray beacuse i change my outfit 5 times before coming here and and today maybe I wanted to shine. But I'm gray so I stand out just enough to be noticed but not to much then all eyes on me and that is quite scary then I'm not gray.
It's horrible to be gray.
To always seem like you are in 2 places at one like everyone is watching you but like not a single person will even notice you
It ***** to be gray.
To say hello to someone and they won't respond beacuse they don't know your name from that day when you helped them when no one eles would,
you were always in the gray
To have every mistake noticed by everyone but then be told that it's okay just stop and go back to the gray.
It's okay to be gray beacuse inbtween of the black and white I may stay
but oddly enough gray is okay it's a ryhmes so it must be true
beacuse in all white I shine all eyes on me never a moment of peace
never any time for the little boring gray me
But in the black I'm never seen I'm forgotten,
Say hi to the girl in the hall and receive a weird look beacuse she doesn't even remember me now
Maybe it's okay to be gray beacuse shades are sometimes all the same in some weird way.
You sit at your table and stare at your Coffee
because if you add coffee creamer it stops looking like her dark brown eyes,
so you just sit and stare and wait.
For someone who doesn't exist to pop up because for you she was perfect,
she was outgoing and fun and loved the same music and the same colour,
That was the colour she wore when you met, it was at that moment you two fell in love but it was short lived, she was the sun and you a sunflower following her, but she was an idea, a dream and when you dream, you wake up,
And You woke up and went
To sit at your table,
at six in the morning,
to drink your coffee,
No longer black.
I want you to know I have a deep affection for you.
This is my fate I'm Hopeless yours.
My love for you has never Flattered.
Lo ring you gives me such a close feeling to heaven.
I'm not insane my mind has never been more clear.
Who are we to question faith.
I loved so hard it was hard to not with all of my heart.
I love you so completely, wholeheartedly without restraints.
I love you.
How are you?
are you looking for me how I look for you?
In between and around every person?
Waiting for me to pop out and I love you?
How many others have you loved?
Am I the first?
Am I the last?
Am I second?
I think you will be loving,
And smart and well as kind.
Where are you right now?
Are you with someone else, are you in love?
Are you with me?
Are you at the end of a bridge? Looking down the edge for hope?
Do you have brown hair, maybe blonde? I wonder what kind of quirks you have like walking only on the outside part of the side walk or holding my hand when you are nervous?
Did I know you? Were we friends or strangers just wondering past meeting just at the right time?
Are we still in love?
Were we every in love?
Or are you a dream?
You never loved me.
I knew that. I still know that you won’t ever love me.
But god. Do I want you too.
I want to be in your head like you are always in mine. And no I don’t love you.
But I want too.
You’ve seen my mind naked almost as much as my body. But I know you don’t like me.
You like her. Maybe even love.
She has years with you and I have a few months at best.
She has you and I have thoughts.
In my head.
You will always be in my head.
Have you ever felt empty inside?
Have you ever felt that feeling of nothingness in the pit of your stomach
and it just stays and lingers for a little while,
you can't tell if it's from the lack of emotions or food.
You say you have it under control when really it has control
One bite and your thighs are like balloons blowing up
Two bites and you are suddenly 10 pounds heavier.
Have you ever felt That beautiful feeling of a hot cup of tea going down your empty stomach almost as a warmth, cause it may be July but you are just so cold.
The concealers you use on your knuckles to hide the marks of when your teeth hit cause your finger
just can't empty out all the hate you have filling your stomach
this isn't a poem about getting better.
This is a poem of what it's like without the better ending
the story of the girl who starved her self with a plate before her.
How selfish she was.
Close your eyes and breath, breath in the air of the autumn month,
Opening your eyes you see the war between the faded and the vibrant coloured leaves scattering the ground and holding on for life from the trees delicate branches.
The mixes of orange, yellow and red blur in with the forest almost meant to be.
Breathe in the forest air, let it fill your lungs expanding with ever moment,
Feel the warmth when you finally let it all out, the chilled air warm from your body.
Listen to the sound of the leaves yelling in the wind begging not to be moved or fallen from their branches.
Close your eyes now,
And start it all over with every breath
With every breath of Autumn
I wanna be kissed in the rain
And wear a wedding ring
I wanna love you
When I was young my mother told me she hopes I find someone like my father one day. I thought it was an compliment when I saw the bruises bloom among her skin, like flowers they grew.
One day my mother made me wake up in the middle of the night and threw all my things in a suit case, “we are going on a trip” is what she told me and I didn’t understand why my mother was so quite and quick to leave the house.
That night she told me she hopes I never marry someone like my father I didn’t know if that was a compliment anymore.
The first boy I loved was nothing like my father he was sweet and kind and I was in love but it was to soon and our paths didn’t met all the way.
The second boy I loved was just like my father an outline of hate surround him and I fell in love it reminded me of my father. But like Icarus got to close to the sun I got to close to him.
His flame hit my wings and I melted until I hit the ground hard. I left.
I can’t tell if I love you.
But I couldn’t tell if I loved my father.
So let me fall.
And hit the ground harder.
It’s been a while since I tried to write a poem.
It’s been a while since I’ve tried to make sense of the Spirographs that are my thoughts.
Sometimes I try and follow the line as it weaves it ways through the dark circles.
Sometimes I end up in the kitchen taking a whole bottle of pills,
Sometimes I end up in the hospital drinking bottles of charcoal,
You see everyday April 5th replays in my mind.
I'm in a very odd state,
Like logically I know I have a lot to do but emotionally I'm just not...registering it? It's not that I'm calm, it's like I'm in a sound proof bowl
watching all my responsibilities and emotions pressing up against the glass, yelling, and my school work is a ram trying to break through and my family is like digging under me trying to sweep me out but won't, and I'm just standing here, watching it all muffled,
like deaf silence.
I tell her I’m tired and go to bed, I’ve had a couple of shots and a beer in my hand and I throw on one of her tee shirts and sweats and sleep
It’s 3:27 am I wake up with the alarm clock right in my face
As if fate was saying you will remember this forever
A man I do not know it touching me, he places his self inside me,
Like a knife into a piece of meat
I can’t move, I’m confused, I’m sad I’m angry, I’m shocked, I feel every emotion at once but I’m in limbo,
This can’t be happening I say
But it is and my body does nothing to change it.
I can’t look him in the face as his chuckles and groans becomes the ringing in my head,
My pants are on the ground and all I want to do is shed my skin
I walk to the bathroom I’m still floating in limbo it feels my steps aren’t really steps
This is all a nightmare
Bathroom doors lock and hopes that shower doors could too, the water so hot I hope it melts him off me
Like candle wax
I don’t remember anything after that
The next day I tell my friends
You were ***** they say.
**** victim is the one thing I never thought would describe me
Yet still every time I close my eyes I see the alarm clock
Every time I hear a laugh it’s his
Every time I’m alone
I’m scared that I’m not.
Someone asked me who I loved today.
And it got me thinking,
a name didn’t pop in my head,
Or I should say your name.
Your name didn’t drown my thoughts like it always did.
What you did to me didn’t start playing in my head like a silent film.
Your laugh and screams didn’t clash in my ears.
Your smile and snarl didn’t cloud my eyes.
Your fists and lips didn’t touch my body.
Not feeling you felt really ******* good.
Not having my senses filled with you.
Not feeling your fists on my body even after you left,
Feels like gold.
Your hand grabbing my head to look at you so you can apologize doesn’t make me shudder.
I’m fine. And for the first time.
I think I mean it
I’ve always been scared of thunderstorms
It might be the sound or the flashing lights of lighting that make my soul wanna leap out my throat —
But you love them,
So I wanted to see a thunderstorm through your eyes, I wanted to see what you loved,
So I opened my curtains and stopped blasting my headphones and I watched and listened —
The first time lighting stuck,
I slam my eyes closed
The first thunder,
My heartbeat almost drowns it out my thoughts
But I remembered you and kept going
I sat though a storm for you
And I almost didn’t hate it
I was born on January tenth 2002. That makes my Chinese zodiac horse.
I don’t really know what that means but I don’t really know what a lot of things mean. Like why people believe in love at first sight.
Like why my dad is an emotionless ******* but I love him forever.
Like Why i still wanna **** myself even though I know it won’t solve anything.
I don’t know a lot. But I do this.
I know that yellow candy is always the best.
I know that writing a poem isn’t easy.
That my grandma hums to herself everyday when doing the dishes cause she can’t always sing.
That my shadow follows me everywhere but only when something bright is ahead of me
Because I’m always alone in the dark.
But never alone in my head
I know that somewhere somehow love is waiting for me to find it.
And I know that somehow.
I always said almost loving you was the kindest thing I ever did.
We never use to cuddle you hated it, we use to sit with my window open cause you broke my fan but it didn’t matter, we’d fall over eachothers sentences, you’d stand beside me whenever I sat, I think it made you feel wiser, to be so much bigger then me,
To look down to me, I never minded it though, cause every so often when we would lie down you would hold me, grip my hand and play with my ring.
you never told me why and I remember pouting about it,
I remember us sitting together but never to close
It was almost love, and almost loving you was the kindest thing I’ve ever done,
I hope almost loving me was the kindest thing you’ve ever done also
Thank you for calling me beautiful even when I know I look like a mess
Thank you for dealing with my mood swings
Thank you for listening when I tell you my gossip
Thank you for holding me so tightly
For not letting me slip away
Thank you for being there even when you don’t want to be
Just for being you
I'm scared because of how much I want things.
I want to be selfish.
I want to be loved and love
I want to care for and be cared for,
I want people to look at me and just know that something is off.
and I'm scared because of how much
I want you.
Sometimes I worry about the things
That are out of my control
But I most worry about the thing that are and I choose not to
I always make stupid decisions
And I’m not stupid so I don’t know why I do it
Sometimes I feel like I’m such an idiot
But I never try to change
I feel like I can’t try, like the idea
to try, to do, to not **** it all up,
Doing okay is in my control
But I decided to worry about things that aren’t in my control
Instead of doing okay
— The End —