I’ve always been scared of thunderstorms
It might be the sound or the flashing lights of lighting that make my soul wanna leap out my throat —
But you love them,
So I wanted to see a thunderstorm through your eyes, I wanted to see what you loved,
So I opened my curtains and stopped blasting my headphones and I watched and listened —
The first time lighting stuck,
I slam my eyes closed
The first thunder,
My heartbeat almost drowns it out my thoughts
But I remembered you and kept going
I sat though a storm for you
And I almost didn’t hate it
I’ve been told not to get to attached to people,
Because when they eventually leave I’ll get hurt and that got me thinking that the being scared to be happy is the worst fear
I know being so scared to get hurt that I became almost get scared of closeness,
if I get punched enough a open hand is almost a closed fist,
if I get my heartbroken enough, love almost seems like a tragedy.
I know that I used the word almost because I’m still scared to admit all of this,
I know only the words you’ve told me, even your lies could become my truths and I would never know the difference
So lie to me
Cause I wanna be attached (hurt) by you
I always said almost loving you was the kindest thing I ever did.
We never use to cuddle you hated it, we use to sit with my window open cause you broke my fan but it didn’t matter, we’d fall over eachothers sentences, you’d stand beside me whenever I sat, I think it made you feel wiser, to be so much bigger then me,
To look down to me, I never minded it though, cause every so often when we would lie down you would hold me, grip my hand and play with my ring.
you never told me why and I remember pouting about it,
I remember us sitting together but never to close
It was almost love, and almost loving you was the kindest thing I’ve ever done,
I hope almost loving me was the kindest thing you’ve ever done also
You never loved me.
I knew that. I still know that you won’t ever love me.
But god. Do I want you too.
I want to be in your head like you are always in mine. And no I don’t love you.
But I want too.
You’ve seen my mind naked almost as much as my body. But I know you don’t like me.
You like her. Maybe even love.
She has years with you and I have a few months at best.
She has you and I have thoughts.
In my head.
You will always be in my head.
Someone asked me who I loved today.
And it got me thinking,
a name didn’t pop in my head,
Or I should say your name.
Your name didn’t drown my thoughts like it always did.
What you did to me didn’t start playing in my head like a silent film.
Your laugh and screams didn’t clash in my ears.
Your smile and snarl didn’t cloud my eyes.
Your fists and lips didn’t touch my body.
Not feeling you felt really ******* good.
Not having my senses filled with you.
Not feeling your fists on my body even after you left,
Feels like gold.
Your hand grabbing my head to look at you so you can apologize doesn’t make me shudder.
I’m fine. And for the first time.
I think I mean it
It’s been a while since I’ve tried to make sense of it all
It’s actually been forever in my mind since I’ve tried to make sense of anything,
My ideas, my thoughts, my problems they all jumble up together in my head,
They all started to look the same.
Maybe it’s Cause I keep looking for love in the same places I loose it,
Maybe it’s one of the many problems I’ve yet to admit I have thats keeping me interested in anything,
I’m so interested in the thoughts in my head I forget the date,
But I’m so interested in remembering the date that I don’t pay attention to the problems — thoughts. In my head.
It’s like when someone flicks the light switch on in a dark room over and over again, for a moment everything makes sense then you can’t see, and then can then you can’t,
And it just becomes a loop,
Like a Spirograph it looks beautiful on paper but once you try to follow it the more beautiful it is the harder it is to follow it. I’m really ******* tired of being a Spirograph. Beautiful on paper
But really hard to follow.
What is important to you in this life?
Who would you go to the ends of the earth for,
Never say no to,
Always be willing to help them in any struggle?
Are they able to be helped?
Are they willing to accept your advice and
Assistance, or are they stubborn and prideful?
Do they simply not want your help because
Someone else has a better offer?
If they are like this, why do you still persist
In your attempts to understand them,
Encourage them, and lead them to where
You think is best for them?
If this is your case, I believe you have the answer
To the most challenging question of all;
What is love?