Is there such a thing as finding yourself?
Better to ask nature yourself
Does the ground create borders around the river?
Caging it into its form
Or does the river flow into the land?
Creating for itself a home
If I were to ever get a blank canvas
and paint myself with water colors
Yet forget to add borders...
Where would I begin and end?
That white space without borders
The bleeding river of self
That which has neither form nor self
What does it mean to be I?
What are we?
What are they?
What is being what I am and knowing what is or is not without borders?

Be still my beating heart
Roaming through my chest
Ba-dum, Ba-dum, and pop just like that my heart is breaking
The pain ascending into my lungs and breath leaves my brain
How foggy a night, how dark is my soul, I'm broken, I'm broken, I'm broken
I beg of you my beating heart please stop beating

As the lily blooms on the second spring
It drifts amidst the celestial mirror
The illusion of stillness unperturbed
Moonlight glistens as form is cast
Joyous is the night today
When the light of tomorrow is cast astray
Day or night, the seasons will change
Who am I to say I am unchanged
My illusion of stillness never remains
For the moonlight pond
Shatters from one ripple
That is the luxury of living
and the mark of death

The blind man hums a tune
In his distant tunes
Howls the moon
Whispers in the wind
Carry me along
Oh retched a fate
Darkness overtakes
Emptiness is how I relate
Lowest of the low
Despised and irate
Empty and cold
Desirous and bold
Howling at the moon
Mourning in the wind
Carry me away
Oh lonely day
My heart hurts
It hurts everyday
The never changing pain
When will I go into the night?
Eternal sleep on this my loneliest day
Why was it ever this way?

Running out the clock
Be still my beating heart
Its all passing me by
Tick-Tock
Ba-Dum
Click-Clack
Rat's race
Man's maze
Hollow days
Empty nights
Dark heart, low light
What a dreary expression
The emptiest reflection
Of a no longer beating heart

As I glide through the clouds
A cold wind blows
I am riding the sea of life alone
A million violent strikes on my temperament
I desperately rack my brains
To cast myself as something
Turning away from the ground
And
Looking to the clouds for an answer
Yet heaven never speaks
I am left with confusion

"The devil is in the details."
"Better the devil you know."
"Speak of the devil."
There seems to be this misunderstanding
Sin is not some animate being
It is not so far removed
Look to yourself first

The endless cycle of forgotten memories
If I have a soul, its an empty hole.
Nothing fills my illness
I can only suppose that I've always been this miserable
I wonder what was the purpose of making damaged goods
Was I an accident on the assembly line?
Damaged goods better off wasted
Born broken ain't that *****
Forced to repeat the pain endlessly
The universe is cruel to have created me
I don't know why I'm here or what I am
I'm so miserable I want to ******* end it
Regrettable is the only word that echoes in my head
Pretending to be alive when I was born dead Living is dream I would like to end
I can't communicate from a cage, yet I lock myself up anyway
I am but a distant illusion constantly alluding to death

From the proudest lion to the lowest worm
Lies a common truth the lowliness of life
All things under heaven are but stray dogs
The prettiest of visages reduces to bleached bones
The wisest of men is but an ant
All things are equal in heaven's cold eyes

Don't claim after the night
When you knew me by day
My misery in full view
Yet you looked away
Does it disturb you
How dark the night is
Don't lay claim to my body
My being is my own
In life I may have not lived
Yet in death I live on
Not in your memories
Not in your false promises
Not in anything about you
I live on free from the pain
I live on free from you
I live on no longer knowing
Any of you
Goodbye

Fantasy intrusions on real life
Thought poverty of Otherself
Gut followed procedure
Shellfish thinking in neither
Self-centered in the dead center
Black and white
Attribution
Failure
Resources dwidled away
A mind lead in disarray
Is this
All that’s left
A scholar’s head
A failing
A paling
A beguilling!
Imitation of real life?

I'm sick
sick of mornings walking in a daze
sick of ticking the clock away
sick of losing myself this way
sick of not caring about my fate
sick of thinking its over
that this has to be over
that I can't do anything
that I can't be anything
I'm tired
Tired of wasting my time
Tired of wasting my day
Tired of living like this
Is this even living anyway
I want
To change something
To change myself into something
I want to be something worthwhile
Why is death all I ever think about
Why is the bottle my replacement
Why are the drugs all I care about
I need
To be better
To do better
To feel better
I need a way out of this
No longer failing
Not this paling
Beguiling *******
I wanna live please give me life
I need be alive
Someone give me hope
Because I can't make it myself

Lend me an ear
Or a helping hand
For a destitute queer
Left upon these lands
Roaming with fear
Of an ever striking hand
Man is so frightful
Yet women are deceitful
A modicum of grace
To exit this rat's race
Ascending to the clairvoyant light
All I see the is the darkest of nights
The misty reflection upon the pond
The dark side of the moon that grows fond
I don the most dreary of expressions
Omissions of derision and deceit
A young lass still ******* on her mother's ****
Yet the pain that weighs on her empty heart
Knows no bounds, home is where the heart is
And in her heart misery resides
It lays it laurels of pain to rest in her being
Every where she goes it follows
The beating of a drum, the beating of her heart, and the siren song of misery's embrace
For darkness is fond of company and mist is its greatest ally
Lend me a hand, and I'll greet you with a grim countenance

hello

Metaphor breathes a breath into life
and life breathes on
The bridge between worlds is cast
Ancient scroll unfolds with mystic beauty
The white light shines passing through these worlds
Beginning the perennial truth
Metaphor breathes another breath
and life lives on
In the gate between life and death
The journey from the light to dark
Those who turned to the light
Were cast into the dark
and those in the dark
Lived the felt presence of the light
You are at the center facing the dark
Look not to your left or right
Turn 90 degrees and face me
LET THE LIGHT SHINE ON ONE SIDE
THEN CAST THE DARK ON THE OTHER
Dream a Dream
Write a metaphor
Cast a net and capture a story
Live a dream filled life

I am shocked by the serenity surrounding me
Finding closure was no longer a fantasy
The calm that stills the sentient ripples of consciosness
The departure of lonesome thoughts and inebriation
A hole in my chest that could not be put to rest
Yet it all faded away in a moment, a short moment of release
When the knot in my chest was at its least
All those defenses finally undone and the tears I've wanted to shed finally ran
With the noose on my neck loose around my chest
I can finally lay to rest this morbid festival of pain
I want to live but not for another's deign but for my own will and worth I will live once again

The further I go the less I believe
What's with the need to deceive
No one cares enough to hear
Anything but my swears
I don't even care
If a tree falls in a forest
and no one is around to hear it
Did it even fall?
If you're drowning
and no one sees it
Did you even die?
If I died on a Friday
I'd be found on a Monday
Actually that's joke
It'd be much longer
I could sing a siren song
and it would be heard all wrong
Better to be silent
That'll make it more shocking and humorous for me

Cast in my shadow is someone else
Neither darker or lighter than myself
Seeing unhappiness in everything else
Why would I ask for any wealth?
When my heart is emptier than death
The wincing shock in my chest
Leaves me without rest
Shattered illusions
Ripples on a wave
Glass embeded in my flesh
Gushing bleeding turning and grieving
All for a chance to escape this steel mesh

What is fantasy?
False fantasy confession
Understanding by analogy
The fantasy of me
Counter brainwaves
With thought guns
Deceive me
I am a self agenda
Schools are found
In the background
School mask
Real me
Real mask
School me
Fat
Sad
and
Bad
Submissive
Fantasy
Villain
Happy he should be
Look down
Straight Shot
Straight up
It's up
Fantasy is theater
Acting like a character
How many writers in a snare.
One by one making a dare
School of thought thought up
Subscribers indentured to strange
What a hollow soto
A thin man's polo
Stripped with dread
Woe on theater
Theater is the past
Back in history
****** get hit by disarray
This is a history made this way
Only character hits from these paypools
Not so obvious doc!
Try to be less conscious!
Tu lewai to LA FENESTRA
I'm playing the tropes
That I loathe and despire
Even I hide my own words
Get a thought recorder
Shipping and packaging is free for the day.
250 of the most popular
Words arranged in draft sentances
I am a fantasy! U play in.
Don't worry
I am an expert attorney
Trained in exquisite self fantasy
Proffessor of Future Fantasies
Or maybe Garfield the nat
"Sneekky rouououttttt. I know the truuttthh.
It's a parks and rec
Adventure sketch
I am declining
I've lost my health
This issssnnn'tttt FAIR
Director "CUT!"
IT COMES FROM THE HUMAN MIND
HAAUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How can you
Teach
Them
That
CAT
IN
THE
HAT
???
??!
?!?
!??
!!?
!!!
@
#
$
Fantasy
Divorced
From mys
elf
Argumentative
Prentinsuous
And
parsimonious
Who buys it?

Moon reflected on the second spring.

The ripples on a pond, leave no trace.

As all things do, from time's embrace.

My moon alone shall shine on this day

Now that I have lived this life I am ready to cast the net
I identify with my fears
but when I say this
I don't mean I am afraid
No it means
I AM A PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF MY FEAR
Riddled with anxiety
Or a walking ball of angst
Existential anxiety
Or socially inept
Embarassed
Or ashamed
Whatever you want to call me

Why do I nod
I know nothing else
Lost is what I am
Forgotten in mist
In-Out I go
Shrouded in darkness
Embraced in light
Don't bother holding me
I can't be held
Don't try to know me
I can't be known
Don't try to love me
I can't loved
Nodding off, Here I am, There I go
Not here and not there
That's when the pain is gone

A glance into the mirror that led me astray
The phantoms of my mind whirring
and with no delay, the tears drip
The tight grip around my chest
A writhing conniving visage stares back
and with no thought to others, I let the tears drip
All it took was a glance and here I am someone else
The Phantoms have stopped whirring
and with no one left, not a tear can be shed.

Living is a dream
A torturous endless waking dream
A nightmare of all my imaginings
Never quite captured by my mind
The endless permutations astonish me
The darkest intentions no longer shock me
The hate I endure
The pain I carry
The people that hurt me
I've come to expect
The love I've taken for granted
The life I've surrendered
The things I've tried to forget
The pain I tried to diminish
The light  tried to extinguish
None of that shocks me
My attempts
My lack of attempts
My doubts my rights my wrongs
Even my being
No longer shocks me
Shock, astonish, surprise, confuse, dazed, doubtful, damaged, befuddled
I'm unfazed by the depths of my ego
I only wish to dissolve
into nothing

Looking at the past
I can't help but be somber
All those emotions still churn
I'm tired of it
Hatred is taxing
Love is cumbersome
I sick of weight
The cycle
It never ends
I am weary of it
My body and my mind
Cut away at my spirit
Looking at the past
I want no longer

Hidden thoughts on the canvas of another's mind.
Private deeds kept to oneself in the newspaper.
Hidden desires showing up in your finest writing.
Nothing can be hidden here
Be careful what you
Think
Do
Feel
Because it will eventually be known

Plant melons and you will harvest melons; plant beans and you will harvest beans

Some demons are born from malice
Sky rending hatred and blood storms
Such are demons of unending passion
Some demons are born from greed
Covetous grins and shifty hands
Such are demons of delirious nature
Some demons are born of desire
Coquette gazes and glazed eyes
Such are demons of temptation
Some demons are born from hunger
Thirsty tongues and soft palates
Such are demons of gluttony
Some demons are born from envy
Green eyes and clenched teeth
Such are demons of bitterness
Some demons are born of laziness
Slow movement and emotionless
Such are demons of apathy
Some demons are both of the self
Arrogant demeanor and fearless gaze
Such are demons of pride
All are demons, that come from oneself
But the true evil of sin
Is the self.

Man is not grass nor tree
Who among can be heartless
The **** with a heart of gold
The monster with a soft touch
The beast with his beauty
Sentiment is like a ****
It can never be rooted out
Staved off maybe
Eliminated for a time
But in the edge of the garden
It grows once again

A poem not original
The wind whispers a howl deranged
Her breath slows, its time
A flood of emotions, only artifical
Regrets loom knowing no equal
Soon her mind disappears
Eyes flash open full of fear
Death closes in oh so so near
A silent rustle
Filled with her wordless hums
Why had she given herself up?
She sees things more clear
Than from her fears
The task at hand complete
Her life fading from her feet
She wishes she hadn't
Even though her pain knows equal
She wishes she'd known
To fight for her right
To be unequal
But now its done
She is done
She's gone
In that moment
With tears in tow
She'a left us

We're quite a like
Staring down at the sea below
No one looks back at me above
The sea line submerges in waves
If I were to drown, what a thought
Consumed in darkness and frost
Lost in thoughts, the seas and the waves
Move me into somberness
The slow descent
Upward ascent
Into the sea of dreams
Where no one hears my voice
Water moves without cause
I live without a reason
We're quite a like

The further I go, the less I believe

What's with the need, for me to deceive

No one even cares, about all my screams

I don't even care, enough to believe


NOW!

I could sing a song

And you should sing a long

Come on let it out, don’t try to be strong

After all, they’re just going to hear it wrong


What did they tell you?

That home is where the heart is?

Life gets better if you give it a chance?


But what if misery has made its place

Laying its laurels to rest in our space


Everywhere you go

IT follows

Beating that drum


Flowing in your blood

That’s the siren’s song

Of misery’s embrace


So sing along you dumb *******

It’s okay I’m ******* disgrace too

I've found it increasingly that the things I thought I was missing out on are nothing special.

The people, their lived experiences, their actions, thoughts, and feelings are all the same.

There is no new dimension or added experience to care about.

People are so breathtakingly simple, their flaws, their quirks, their obsessions are so easily displayed.

I struggle to not show my contempt at their nature yet and what of it?

lets admit it
im not any good
the raw and emotional
where im trapped right now
its a cage
and that cage hurts
i threw away all my hurt
maybe im mess
maybe im dead
i think i wannA be dead
why am i not dead
i should be dead like i deserve
this is just who i am
i should be dead
DEAD DEAD DEAD