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Am I a girl?

Or a boy?

Mummy says I'm a girl.

Mummy won't believe me when I tell her that I feel like a boy.

Me,

Now,

A boy?

I wanna be a boy.

I am a boy.

A short,

Feminine,

Transgender,

Boy.

I'm not a girl.

Is Robin a girl's name?

My name has been Robin ever since I was born.

Mummy says that only girls' names are pretty,

that only girls wear makeup,

that only girls wear dresses and skirts,

I don't like that.

I don't like wearing them either.

My name isn't pretty.

I am a boy.

I am a boy.
 Nov 2019 Lexi Murphy
kaela
hugging
 Nov 2019 Lexi Murphy
kaela
i need a hug,
not a false side one.
a really long one.
one in which i just disappear from the world.

nothing else will matter.
not the fact that me and you
have both moved on and found someone new.
i need one so tight
that i can feel my bones being crushed and pressured
until they s h a t t e r .

until
i
see
nothing
but
a
black
screen.

because all of what i've seen
is pain and hurt.
people fall and are pushed to
instantly get back up and brush off the dirt.

let's hug.
until
we
both
disappear.
Im naked and exposed,
My vulnerabilities taking hold.
But I have no bounds, I knew this when I fell.
For his aura lured me in,
His beautiful soul caught hold of mine.
For we were pulled together by invisable twine.
Ravelled, but I could have broke free.
For it was where I wanted to be, where I wanted to stay.
Blinded by his memphis,
Locked in by his gaze.
Just for one sweet moment, be entangled in one anothers love.
For love it was. But love it couldnt be.
For you didn't belong to me, I had to set you free.
The right love, at the wrong time.
Maybe in another life you would have been mine.
But for now I'll just wonder, I'll wonder what could have been.
Like a thorn in the side twists, turns, shifts, thugs at my pride, who am I and why?
Forget to be, forget to try. Sigh, deny and try, oh try, to find out who am I?

Struggle to reach. Struggle to come to grip with reality. You see all these expectations get laid on me, I cant seem to find my feet.

Even in finding my feet, defeat. Defeating my mind and steeped and bleeding, I'm blind and beat.
I'm beating the blinds, the street, it limits the finds and eats, it eats at my mind.

But rise to my feet, I will. Beat my way through, I do. The passing days, they may get all hazy. But I got a vision, I do.

Clear as unmuddied water, that vision peaks and from the merky pool hope leaks. Not made that of odour which reeks, rather perfume which speaks to those bold, brave, not weak.
Who on top of a mountain sits and seeks and stands on the ocean before they may sink and know their song well before they dare speak.

Hope keeps us hooked. Pain gives us drive. For that, I will swallow my pride. My dignity beat, battered and bruised. But my reputation in tact.
My strenght unmatched. Unmask myself I will. Through this treacherous journey, I shall grace salvation, to find my inner will.

And with journey abound to destination unknown leaving that hope, strenght and will for events which have thrown light into the tunnel. Illuminating the stone which sits on the temple of freedom and soul, spirit, freewill, autonomy, suddenly realisation that still ...
Still I am me.
A poem wrote in collaboration with my good friend about the journey to one finding their true identity.
It's like shooting stars in your eyes,
I could make a wish on you all day.
Your pupils have a comfort only found in my dreams
and the space behind is a galaxy of time
           I'd gladly get lost in.
In essence, your eyes are my infinity.
An endless pool of peace and love that I was so graciously born into,
     have happily lived through
          and will peacefully die in.
I’m seeking inspiration, as this is what I am lacking,
For me be the source of this,
A tranquil guide, my focus, my distraction
Tell me the stories of what makes your heart so tender.
Show me your memories, and allow me to imagine you as a child
Tell me of what you fear and what creates warmth within you.
Let me discover what makes your body tremble
Allow me to see your smile which is hidden,
to hear the laughter when your kind of comedy is spoken,
The real, the genuine and the deepness within you
This is what I wish to be my inspiration.
not the best , quick and simple, requires alot of work
An issue it has been for many a year,
A secret behind doors of which you often do not hear,
Within families and friends, workplaces the lot
To seek of this would not be a long shot.
It gets to us all through one channel or another,
Whether it your neighbour,friend,sister or brother,
Observe and you will see just how easy it can be,
A source, a connection you could get to in 3.
Little fear when it is felt it is required,
Over and over never seem to get tired,
A deeper need creates desperate measures,
Often leading to the sale of many treasures,
A family breakdown, withdrawal and depression,
It was only meant to be for the night of that one session,
It gets out of hand, you slip through the cracks and man oh man you wish for normal life back,
At the start, it was good, a trip like no other,
Now so deep you steal from your own mother,
Looks have changed, personality altered, an unknown individual who would have thought it?
Bruises and cuts, owed money and hideaways now a thing,
A strain to everyone's lives drugs do bring,
Your own person no longer, you thought of yourself as stronger,
Your life stolen, taken away if only that one time you had not strayed...
I remember every single bitter goodbye I've ever had to say. Left alone here in this town, though I was never forced to stay.

There are ghosts I've left behind me and there are ghosts that still remain. I can feel their haunting presence every single stupid day.

How they tear at all my motives and pull on every string. Leave me choking on my failures. The whispered voice of muted things.

Am I just some bitter tourist dragged by my wrists through private hells? Am I author and conspirator writing the stories in which I dwell?

To what extent am I  responsible for this situation that I'm in? Am I really as alone as I have always thought myself to have been?

There is little I am sure of and fewer still of which I know, but I know that I am dying and that I'm still not ready to go.

I have unfinished business. I just thought that you should know.
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