Silence

Silence Sep 2013

Dear First Love.

The first time I saw you
You spoke to my ribs
Gave me butterflies that still haven't died out today.

The first time I spoke to you
the words you whispered to me went into my brain, through my veins, & wrapped themselves tightly around my heart. I can't pull them off

The first time I kissed you
My skeletons danced on walls & only saw your shadow

I fell in love with you the way you fall asleep.
Slowly at first, then all at once.

You're were the only one with the only love that's strong enough to claim me.

You entered the darkest, dustiest parts of my heart & cleansed my soul

Because of you
I kept living
I found someone more beautiful than death

Silence Sep 2013

Reasons We Failed At Love

I wanted profunity, you gave me surface.
2. You never really loved me
3. You were never taught how to love
4. You became your insecurities
5. My silent cries for you were too heavy for my heart
6. Our hearts hankered other things..except eachother
7. My prayers about you never reached heaven
8. You woke up one day and decided that our love wasn't worth war
9. Its not that you don't want to love, you just don't know how to
10. You were never content with my flaws
11. I wasn't what you prayed for every nightfall
12. I just wanted to be loved
13. Writing about you became useless
14. You could not live up to the man that existed in my dreams
15. Loving you somehow killed me
16. I had leave
17. I needed someone who knew how to stay
18. You're still searching for me in every woman

Silence Sep 2013

Voids

I have said your name a thousand times in the empty belly of my apartment. My heart puked love on your wicked soul until it dried out and had nothing left.

Forgive my heart for never having the courage to walk away from you
But I could never fill all those empty voids or mend those shattered dreams

My skin could barely keep you inside..
But see..
I shifted my bones to make room for your insecurities and keep them warm until I could make you realize you have nothing to be insecure about

Your sighs held me together like an anchor
Your soul was the incomplete pages within my diary

I blame you
I blame you for my fingers stuttering everytime I write love
For my broken ribcage, from all those butterflies you gave me
For letting me drown within the depths of my own soul
For messing with my heart whenever it got back up its crutches.
I blame you

For these voids within me

Silence Sep 2013

Synonymous Love

The first time I tasted your name my demons were silenced
Something comforting about losing my soul to yours.
About wanting to bury my deepest insecurities inside you..
Something about the way my bones want to find shelter inside you..
About the way my body slaves for your words
The way your words make my spine fall apart & never want to resurrect again..
See..
I want to get high off your sadness & feed off your depression.
Let your sadness conceal in every possible bit of my soul
I want your lips to constantly make love to my thoughts..
My promises?
I will find beauty in your filthy unkept soul
I will never divorce my unspoken thoughts, that way silence never has to make room in our conversations..

You are every word that I cannot understand or seem to find definition for..
And your voice..Oh Lord
Your voice is a collection of words I want to ink all over my body
And your smile..
Well.. Its the closest thing I have ever had to happiness..

Promise me you'll find beauty in my thoughts...
I think, secretly they adore you..

Silence Sep 2013

Higher Power

How am I born empty & dented, I thought your immaculate hands didn't construct flaws Father.
Why is it that I find homes within strangers? Linger upon their words & filthy promises.
How is it that my soul will never be clean no matter how many times my fingers clench the bible?
I searched for love in vacant hearts like you said I should. It doesn't exist. It never existed. You created a lie.
Do you ever feel lonely? I do, every night when I realize that the letters my lips write don't reach you.
How do I love these demons Father? Teach me to tame them so that my spine no longer shivers when I feel them
Is darkness the only light I'm meant to see? Because I longer fear it. I fear my thoughts. The ones that are too heavy for my eyes.
Lord, you said hearts were meant for beating, I think mine lost its rhythm

Silence Sep 2013

Stay With Me

I could never get use to the thought of sharing my bed
2. I think subconsciously I'm afraid of people leaving & walking.
3. Afraid of someone waking up one morning & deciding, what we have isn't worth war.
4. Leaving would mean that I'd have to deal with my foul spirits
5. I'd have to sleep & nurture loneliness. Drown my soul in pages filled with blank words
6. Walking away from me would mean I'd never be whole again because the best parts of me were invested in you
7. You'll never come back to me
8. Sadness & I would make love every night.. Until I give birth to little demons whispering 'you're not good enough'
8. To the walls of my bedroom I'd be known as 'the girl who can only keep a man for a night'
9. I'd stab God with thousands of prayers, curse him like a broken violin of vocal chords.
10. Stay with me, just until my insecurities fall asleep.

— The End —