lights flicker
in the distance
far far below

I’m here
looking down on it all
wrapped in a blanket
a book lies next to me
pages flipping themselves
in the cool summer breeze
inside are the sounds of life
outside are the sounds
of the questioning
the air is filled
with random notes
fluttering around me
like guardian angels
I know why they’re here

darkness
sat down
next to me
to keep me company
we look at the flickering lights
in the distance
he tells me
you’d do fine down there
if you wanted to
be a light
surrounded by light
but then he shifts his gaze
the moonlight
dancing through his being
but you’d do great
up there
be a light
where no one has dared to be
and with that
he left

my camera
tries to capture
all that you are
and fails
because you are so much more
than a photograph
you are fluid
you are sound
you are fireworks
so you can't be captured
you need to be
experienced

just in case
you’re in a dark place
and can’t seem
to find a light switch
or matches even
I want you to know
you are loved
maybe not by yourself
yet
but you are
even though it sounds
like a fairytale for now
at some point
you’ll find the light switch
or the matches
and you’ll be able to see
that the fairytale
came true
and you’re the one
that made it happen

rip your eyes away
from your phone
and look
with an open mind
like you’ve never actually
seen
unfiltered view
notice
the sunrise
which is different each day
like it’s no big deal
look at the people
walking by
imagine them living
their own life
changing every day
trapped in their own heads

looking
without seeing
will destroy us
hearing
without listening
might **** someone

inhale

be aware
of what is on your mind
all the worries
all the hate
know them
feel them
steering every movement
spinning your thoughts
into oblivion
so that you can't remember
the you you once were
now stop

exhale

lately
I haven't been writing
like I used to
it used to be a flow of words
love or hate didn't matter
I just loved it when
the words
landed on the paper
elegant like butterflies
but now
they turned into rocks
scratching the paper
hurting my mind
they change
every poem I write to

please like me
please like
me please like me
please like me please
like me
please

we are taught
that we can choose
between living
and death
but there are people
in between
they’re in the grey spot
not-alive
it is personal
and emotional
it’s hell on earth
so we act like it doesn’t exist

and in some way
it doesn’t
we keep ignoring them
we keep telling them
you’re going through a phase
or
it’ll get better
everytime they hear it
a hand pushes them further away
from the living
they think they’re dead
anyway so
what’s the difference

Like pearls
Rolling down the landscape
That is my face
Up and down
Speeding up
Slowing down
Giving eachother a chance
To catch up
An endless race
Where nobody wins

her eyes
were black
no trace of white around
and I always wondered
what they reflected
did they reflect her soul
her endless soul
full of mysteries
hidden in the depth
concealed by her
only for her to see
or were they a reflection
of what has been and
what will inevitably be
the beginning
and the end
of time

I lost myself
never to be found

daily
my mind goes into overdrive
thoughts racing by
past the speed limit
I'm trying to make sense of them
make them go in a different
pattern
but I can't get them
to slow down
they keep making this
deafening noise
so I have to notice them
I want to put in my earphones
drown out the sounds
but I'm the one
making the noise

trapped in this world
kept on the ground
no way up
I want to leave
this organized chaos
swim in uncertainty
bathe in silence
wash away
the stress that clings
to my skin
free my mind
from the noise
which keeps me
from seeing

I want to fly
with the falling stars
count the colors
of the rainbow
help the sun
paint the sky
and I want to befriend
the stars
play games
forget that life is hard

but here I am
my feet stuck
to the ground

I’ve got
a vague idea of an OK world
hidden behind the ruins of time
waiting to be discovered
longing for me
to knock on it’s gates
thrilled to shower me
with rays of sunshine
the scents so soft
the sounds so comforting
I can’t help but exhale
it tucks me in
with a blanket of stars
makes sure
the moon kisses me goodnight
it takes care
of all that’s living
and in-between
it takes care of me
when I can’t

I’ve got
a vague idea of an OK world
if only I knew
where it was hidden

I can see it in your eyes
hear it from your mouth
feel it in the air
I see it taking over
your body
demanding control of
everything
I want to say
you don’t have to be

but I think I’d look silly
talking to a mirror

when I visit
my previous home
I’m welcomed back
with a kick in my stomach
so I bow
thank you for having me back
where do you want me
but while I bow
the fog in my head clears up
so I turn around
and run
as far away as I can
but I can never get myself
to throw away
the key

be you
she said
I didn’t have the heart
to tell her
I have no idea
who that is

I had a dream
that I don’t remember
I remember feeling
like I was floating
high above the world
crossing seas and jungles
joining the butterflies
surrounded by a cloud
of black and orange
they carry me
towards the mountains
where I leave the kaleidoscope
to be by myself
in my safe space
at peace

but I also remember feeling
like I was falling
further and further down
past the birds the towers and the trees
hurtling towards the ground
I brace myself for the crash
that never came
because when peek through
my eyelashes
I am surrounded by a cloud
of black and orange
slowly guiding me
towards the ground
their wings softly graze my skin
comforting me
until I land delicately on my feet
taking a deep breath
I am home
I am safe
I am at peace

flowers
I want them
blooming and blossoming
everywhere around me
living life
to the fullest
bringing color
to the darkest corners
of my mind
and it's hard for flowers
to grow
without a little
rain

bubbles popping
rain dropping
time stopping

thoughts speeding
mind bleeding
I am dreading
where I’m heading

words slurring
vision blurring

time stopped

sometimes
it feels like I am closing in
on the universe
and its secrets
like it opened its arms
to give me a shower of knowledge
stars rushing to my mind
whispering words of enlightenment
twinkling
showing me the path
leading to the magic
that is life

all the pain
is it worth it
endless thoughts
is it worth it
all the hate
is it worth it
always tired
is it worth it
all the tears
is it worth it
this battle
where it seems
like I can’t win
is it worth it?

in that fuzzy place
between loving
and letting go
reaching for the door
intending to walk out
but refusing to detangle you
from my thoughts

so I stay in the fuzzy place
hoping that someone
pulls me back
/
hoping that someone
opens the door

I haven’t decided

sadness
and happiness
so close
yet so far apart
my heart filled its self
with this loving hurt
and that is when I knew
it is an honor
to be human

it appears
out of nowhere
in front of me
no warning
nothing
it ***** me in
makes me leave all traces
of rationality
and logic behind
so that I end up
surrounded
by total darkness
with no way
to find a way out