Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
21h · 36
light
sunflowers and citrus__
at this time of night.
because i need them
, they said to me
in seeming credible
or  coming in on your scale so you can see

damage.

only interested in the
nowness of my flesh
of truth composing me

knowing that is enough
for me to be believed

.
and i wanted to see
something through
their eyes. these truths
they spoke in me
i am a little tiny fountain
because you are a statue
and animate
an angel
or a juggernaut
you keep your pace.

i cry about the
pretty flowers i cry about
the random deer
about homesickness
for verdance all over
the place

you prefer urban

i automatically
turn off at the end
of each day.

im always falling apart.
but you never see me
this way. how is this?
how is it that you
never see me this way??


you seeing me seeing
you; never notice this
and feel me fluid soft

you feel my wanting
to be much harder
a silly water wish
ive been feeling impossibly sad, but hopeful and more within myself (exactly where I am) and resolute. but also no desire to quantify it because it only confuses me more to externalize. i just know I exist.

its better than trying to quantify everything I do. And also really not even caring whether or not I exist. i'm still in some hazy in between, but the more i try to justify my humaness the less worthy i feel. so ive been firmer the humaness of "i dont know, and more pressure wont make me suddenly know"
i was just a fruit
and you picked it from
a tree

or I grew and this
suited the moment
but you'd look at me
and id fall away

my freest days are Monday Wednesday and
Friday. Lets plan a phone
call so the flowers
come; i can make them
i always have

and you'd say grow
again
and id be quiet
because im just an
abstraction of a person
in the dark.
5d · 326
of course
afraid? yes. hurt?
of course

wounded but not worthless
nor kicked or made
to cry in the dirt
something hurts
there are piles falling
all around me
they used to build and
corner me in

but I can breathe now
that you're gone
i used to wait for people
to say painful things like that
to me

there are ashes and
it doesn't mean there aren't
still embers in my eyes
doesn't mean there aren't
still glowing coals stuck to
my skin

its disgusting enough
when I cry I put the fire out
my skin steams and I question
my wounds, they are superficial
but the marks will always be there

they are superficial
but the symmetrical bars and pointed thick rounded
coin slots will burn a hungry
open red for days of regret

my skin

and I have to remind myself
I did not do this to myself
and so it is ok that it hurts
all that is left is for
the pain to subside

often numbness proceeds;
brief only enough for
me to rest, retrieve
lucid dreams

I want to tell the soccer coach.
it hurts and I want to show
my mom but I know

that my
brown skin will destroy
the evidence of pain on my body

eviscerate the outward signs
of my vulnerability like
an atomic bomb

"Honey there's nothing there.
Are you making sure to brush
your teeth tonight? And please stop putting your outside hands on the walls".
sometimes our
roots ground us

it depends on who
you are
.

sometimes our roots,
taught they would drown
in the very soil they
are meant to thrive in,

twist up;
slither along uneven ground
and strangle us
in our own sleep

generational trauma is
to heavy a carry
for our sapling trunks
to keep.
Feb 23 · 211
apprehensive
Kitten Yvad Feb 23
some things you have to
learn the hard way

...
i had to learn that
the hard way

.
i don't honestly believe this because i dont really believe that everything happens
for a reason. i think things happen, good and bad, and we have to make up reasons to process it. Some things happen for a reason, some things just happen.
Kitten Yvad Feb 23
my inner world
is sharp and dark and
suprising

when i am not hiding
i deserve all the terror
im finding


and when people
make mistakes
they are proving me right

i become so tired
of hurting and fighting
the tide

my inner world is
steep ledges, sharp corners,
and invisible black holes.

and this frightens me
when my soul is a bright
warm growing colorful
ecosystem,
a delicate place i call home
🌱
there's a plague but im somehow not letting my mind yell at my innerchild.
Feb 22 · 30
out by through
Kitten Yvad Feb 22
the pain
i let it get so much
bigger than me

so i can see it
dissect it away
sit next to it without
it fading my colors
to gray

it without making me
silent and fallen away

3am in the middle
of my night, your day.
Feb 22 · 56
calm
Kitten Yvad Feb 22
it becomes a jungle
a network of tied thorns
and terrified

i find a kind of eerie calm
in the dark of the storm
Feb 22 · 73
as a child
Kitten Yvad Feb 22
my mind was tagged
with noxious permanent paints with images of

a perfect body

so that what I saw in the mirror would be the
body i hate
Feb 20 · 310
Morgen Northstarr
Kitten Yvad Feb 20
.
I could buuut
instead i'll be real
and go ahead and tell
you i don't like to

my truth, thats my
north star, im not about
to fight you, or try to

i breathe back and save
my energy for all
the sleepless moments
so inhumane where our
fuel expenditure is expected

to be hypernitro


in the day time
but in the night, too;
in those moments
when you tryta breathe back
the work is still gon
find you


so my truth
i might still stiffle it
but i might go ahead
and tell you real

i don't like to

and my truth
that's alone been my
north star, i won't fight
you or try to

you told me
not to get comfortable
"just 'cause you
make some folks comfortable

they're really not
comfortable."
you warned me and
Ya Sattar so  I knew

"i like to make people
so comfortable", i told you;
but maybe i
really don't like to
inspired from a stubborn convo with a friend about their personal truths and about how much energy i use trying to make people comfortable
Kitten Yvad Feb 20
Worship this world of watercolor mood
in glass pagodas hung with veils of green
where diamonds jangle hymns within the blood
and sap ascends the steeple of the vein.

A saintly sparrow jargons madrigals
to waken dreamers in the milky dawn,
while tulips bow like a college of cardinals
before that papal paragon, the sun.

Christened in a spindrift of snowdrop stars,
where on pink-fluted feet the pigeons pass
and jonquils sprout like solomon's metaphors,
my love and I go garlanded with grass.

Again we are deluded and infer
that somehow we are younger than we were.
one of my very favorite scenic poems. I remember being 16 and lost and this taking my very breath away.
Kitten Yvad Feb 20
Many nights we prayed
With no proof, anyone
could hear

In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now, we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear


We were moving mountains
Long before we knew
we could

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to ****


Who knows what miracles you can achieve?
When you believe, somehow you will; You will
when you believe


In this time of fear
When prayer so often
proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird Too swiftly flown
away


Yet now I'm standing here
My hearts so full, I can't explain


Seeking faith and speakin' words
I never thought I'd say


There can be miracles
When you believe When you believe

Though hope
is frail, it's hard to ****


Who knows
what miracles you can achieve?  You can achieve.
When you
believe, somehow
you will;You will when you believe



A-shir-ra I'a-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
A-shir-ra I'a-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
Mi-cha-mo-cha ba-e-lim adonai

Mi-cha-mo-cha ne-dar-ba-ko-desh
Na-chi-tah v'-chas-d'-cha am zu ga-al-ta

Na-chi-tah v'-chas-d'-cha am zu ga-al-ta
A-****-ra, a-****-ra, A-****-ra
A-shir-ra I'a-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah


A-shir-ra I'a-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
Mi-cha-mo-cha ba-e-lim adonai

Mi-cha-mo-cha ne-dar-ba-ko-desh
Na-chi-tah v'-chas-d'-cha am zu ga-al-ta

Na-chi-tah v'-chas-d'-cha am zu ga-al-ta
A-****-ra, a-****-ra, A-****-ra


There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to ****
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will

Now you will
You will when you believe...

You will when you believe
From the musical, The Prince of Egypt, a song written and composed by Babyface & Schwartz Stephen Lawrence.

Prince of Egypt is the first movie I can ever remember seeing and it its music is still profoundly impactful to me. Though clearly not an orginal work, it is very poetic and thought I would post it; As a classic of somekind :)
Feb 18 · 552
Blanket
Kitten Yvad Feb 18
my fitted floral yellow sheet
is still too much noise
to be on top

orange

it buzzes like a metropolis
on my little bed
which is supposed to be
my rock
Feb 18 · 166
feverbloom
Kitten Yvad Feb 18
i feel hidden inside
patient with my my mind
as it learns the  
geography of hurt people
hurting people.

my heart gels
a film forming humectant
lilac and teal
insulated

just.. sufficiently from

hurt people hurt people

an endless dreamscape of
cacti on a parched plane
their arms outstretched



Spikes and Glochids.
Cacti wrap around cacti
sticky needles remain
lodged deep within
each the other's
succulent skin

their foreign bodies
make their  way
into eachothers blood.

Septecemia
in a drought waiting
for bloodpoisoning
feverish hungering for
a terrible flood

and their signs of
new drought warning
may sound promise of
love rain desired pouring

an endless dreamscape of
cacti on a parched plane

their scared reaching
arms outstretched

we wait for rain



i draft a map.
graphite on travelers' paper messily etched
the desert is beautiful.
so biodiverse and
queerly colorful one day.

waterstarved, unforgiving
cracked the next

have you ever seen
   the indigo wildflowers
  bloom?


no?

   a field of euphoria
bursts into saturation
to find you

a winding path
I could  of run
from hostile conditions

to hostile conditions

but within hostility i might flower, a winding path of
near terrifying bliss.




and in that frightened hour i map out the desert
because harsh as the terrain
forsaken from love
waiting on rain's kiss

 just  a  desert feverbloom myself

im designed to survive this
.
even when I am sad, lately, my energy feels really pure and real. my hearts been filtering away its own tolerance for confused and hurtful circumstances. my love is only a renewable resource when i expend it in warm and intentional spaces.
Feb 18 · 199
Taste of Abyssal Dark
Kitten Yvad Feb 18
i cant see anything
and my thoughts

do ...their thing;

blinking at me loudly.
Cycling through a task list
a little repetitive and mouthy ..
  
but there in the pitch dark
of a warm room
they don't know where
i am

my silhouette, which
they think they see
in our bathtub...

   is it still me?
  
or have I swam
         deeper to parts of
         hibiscus and colloidal
oatmeal                              
silken, milky,

   in this water fragrant
murky and sweet?hm?
its over!! My silhouette
could be eye to eye
or twenty thousand legions

    under the sea

so close but obscured
by a dense event horizon
or lightyears away
,
too substantial
to be measured in feet

somehow i am away;

swallowed up by the nothingness  of abyssal dark
and separate as my thoughts
organize in their own claim

and we can be apart
inspired by trying to self soothe. and my memories of quietly making it through a panic attack next to friends while listening to Of Moons, and Birds and Monsters right before college. The scary stuff consisted of worrying they hated me and didn't want to tell me I smell weird...

but i know and knew it was more than that. lucky for the comfort I got from them understanding and holding me through that. And now the song can remind me of being brave and not alone instead of...  ... all sorts of other things
Feb 17 · 135
transpiration
Kitten Yvad Feb 17
its intense from all angles
and im an icecube
in the elevated strip of grass

shimmering simmering
ill melt away
and parts of me
climb thin xylem

the parts that as a girl
are too weathered
scared, seeking asylum
in my own hands

but I am unable
to offer them refuge
as an icecube
transpiration is my plan

radiating from
dark periwinkle blue sky
and reflective black
windows

light

white flowering verdant trees
whisper about themselves
in the glass image
and the intense light
radiates from them too

but i am unable
to offer them refuge


ill melt away
and parts of me
will climb thin xylem

of coarse wirey grass

ill melt away
and parts of me
climb thin xylem

waiting for
a feeling to pass
and enrich the
deep chlorophyllium

and bleeding away
id evaporate
into the sky again
Feb 15 · 86
a new house
Kitten Yvad Feb 15
when you open your mouth
you open the windows
and my halls
and doors

and there's no electricity..
yet. no onsite heating.. yet.
i tell you im not scared
but you know
im wrong
Feb 13 · 22
chaos
Kitten Yvad Feb 13
a bit of surrender to the chaos
of explaining myself to folx
who are just as lost

and hoping for them to understand.
as they expect me to understand.
thinking its reasonable for us
its not

and i don't and they don't ...
    so i...



surrender to the infinite chaos
of not knowing what comes next
as all the strings swirl loose
in the storm
and I wonder

if that must be whats best;
in the wind beside them I
have no desire
to catch hold
of them again.

I suppose I may do better
to get to where I am going
and check back in
on the remaining all tangled
and twisted then.

an unidentifiable knotted mess

and in the chaos there is
sleep in the terror
and in what is gentle
from breathing

and in the chaos
there is the stability
of looking towards my
chest steady rise and fall
subtle heaving
I don't thrive in chaos.
i turn just off.
Feb 13 · 305
light academia
Kitten Yvad Feb 13
any day the sads
so heavy
a moment yes the fogs
so thick i can not move

a number of days
i accept as forgotten
times where the sway
of my body
  would have there fallen
my  truth
Feb 12 · 15
soft is so pretty
Kitten Yvad Feb 12
soft is so pretty

I say this with
tears in my eyes
and awe in my heart

regret pumping through me
as though the last of
my poisoned blood
before the moon comes
to renew me


soft is so pretty.

I say it my hands shaking
and my bravery breaking
i say it so hopefully;
with a neutral face

i say it like im extremely
gay and I love women
soft is so pretty
i say it crying angrily
and convicted with

no energy left
to argue the case
Feb 10 · 124
watersoftener
Kitten Yvad Feb 10
Warm water when it
rushes past your ears
over nose
down through your hair

you're the way you were.
before you learned
    you are hard to love
you are overwhelming
when you share;
stay quiet..


  
   the trickling warm water
calms your trembling
    like more than your own
arms can themselves presently offer

trickling warm water
through your hair fixes
for a moment and calms
like loving kisses for a crying princess really water
only softer
Kitten Yvad Feb 10
my heart gels
a film forming humectant
lilac and teal
insulated

sweet safe


have you ever seen
   the indigo wildflowers
  bloom?


no? wait! a dreamscape;

   a field of euphoria
bursts into saturation
to find you


to find you



now,there, a winding path
I could  of run
from hostile conditions

to hostile conditions

but within hostility i might flower, a winding path of
near terrifying bliss.

all my dreams to fruition



and in that frightened hour i map out the desert
because harsh as the terrain
forsaken from love
waiting on rain's kiss

 just  a  desert feverbloom myself

im designed to survive this
.
Feb 9 · 28
goats
Kitten Yvad Feb 9
because I am quiet and serious...
you run around me
giddily leaping
and we **** heads

a padded soft thud
and the sounds of me trying
to lighten up

with reluctant
             capricious sincerity
making fun

focused, still; playful with your molten amber
coin slot eyes that are familiar
warm and wholesome to the
iron black coinslots of mine

i’m comforted in your security
in my steady thoughtful gaze..
and you are secure in
my domicile comfort from your
deliberate and steady ways


and then cloaked like a flying
brown dumpling
, you rush!! there is
the clatter of our horns!!
and oh, your crying crescendoing laughter!
clacking and crashing of
silly humor crackling for sometime now thereafter



after feeling rather apart from people,
the screaming kind of continuous laughter
from two weak diaphragms

that’s all there is.
Kitten Yvad Feb 8
i let go to the process
of these unswept halls
ill admit we're here
really im here

these walls are haunted
we're inside my mind
some rooms are locked
because they are posessed

and I can only cleanse so
   much; what,
with that kind of energy
pouring in.
its tired and im delicate

and i have to keep
opening these rooms
and making note
and leaving because
who has that time?


its not a bad home.
just so many rooms
were abandoned
and locked with its occupants
inside

in such small ways
but I had to leave them there.
and now that I know it,
it hurts so unfairly.

And I want to go unlock them
and tell them they can go
home now.
but I'm scared they have
changed in there while
I was gone

everytime i go to release
them, at the ****,
white are my palms
and my body so cold

while I was
running for my life.
really im here; I know
these walls are haunted
we're inside my mind.

but haunted not entirely
possessed and ...overgrown
honestly i've seen the signs
its a beautiful home..

unsettling.
But pretty hints that
it wouldn't be
unsafe for one assuming
there might be a garden outside.


blooming
.
Feb 7 · 22
Walls like Hands
Kitten Yvad Feb 7
I was tumbling through
something that stretched
time and space left walls
as familiar hands

on the uppermost cuffs
of my arms.
embracing me
just making me warm but...


  i control the pain.
  i turn the dial slowly.
  down
and it hurts.
can I click it off?


  I click it off.
but is it off?? is the aching
just a ghost the phantom
off pain lost?
Feb 4 · 259
earthsigns
Kitten Yvad Feb 4
soo many questions I
just, drift
away into my own head.


the more verdant and quiet
things are, the so much less
they seem complicated.
😤its ok to just **be**🌙
Kitten Yvad Feb 1
climb it though it were
a staircase half way i wait
they say over now all
for nothing but i...

sleep wings beating calm
my mind to a sweet rereading of my dreams
footsteps retreat fleeting

like a rainy January in a
sweet hall with a high ceiling
and I prayed, wet, worn
reading. and held shy froze
queer but a pretty radiant
golden reflection of my dream self;
like  a mirror our meeting
(dusty for you were it true)

and mahogony sweet hall
with a high ceiling I prayed,
wet unknowing frozen reading. queerly seeming
just a wood frame and great
glass between us and our meeting

rained all month and
coming and going you
heated the windows,

just enough
to remind me,
im inside me, why, i can
find me!!
this is new skin though.

God.
well.
what now?


and no reflection.
I can not see. and then
there you are across from me. so much of everything
i wanted to be
I catch you staring

you'd smile at me
beautiful blooming wild
lilac and matcha as can be

i write myself in circles
describing what your
passing and passing and passing and passing.

would you be queer? like me????

Pride came, what did I say??!
oh happy pride. its all so gay
its amazing to see you
you hug me
how are you feeling today?
awh I'm happy to see you too

you're perfect my god you
are so pretty, am i saying this outloud, do I know?
can I tell somehow?

you giggle, not me, not
now im a mess and
its all over my face my body
the stress

i...am bewildered

but i get its enough

well, you say,
all I do I just use rose water I...

you DO? i do too, i...

... and I just pour jojoba oil all over my face.
i rub it in
every night, thats all.

you... you look radiant.
i hope you get more sleep.
you're so smart, I hope
the rest of the course goes well

ihopeyougetmoresleepgodyoursosmartnoicanttellyoudontsleep

­you've got this, I say,
but im not sure but I want
to be sure.
want to be sure
want want want to be sure
want you to be the scientist
want you to save the water,
be your all, find the cure


i am giddy
just delirious I want to run.

and hide Prytania, you are a loaded gun
but my god

is this ...are you serious??


I am beaming and ready.
away from a rough tide
and that foggy shore , glass between us and whats more

this is it, sparkling sea
and all you tell me is
endless hard work in front
of me but I...
i want to take it
i want to take your hand

but I hug you
I say "Happy Pride"
and you smile and I go.
and I make little sounds
silly little warren exploding
like the fourth of july
a ridiculous recounting of me wishing a crush Happy Pride at school, and getting two hugs from her. the first the first and the last the last.... previously we only saw each other and smiled at eachother through a glass window of a twin study hall. She would catch me staring a lot. I was constantly mortified...

then on Pride randomly sharing about our semester and challenges and classes. and me blurting out that she was so gorgeous and radiant and her telling me she knew she looked awful

but her skin was gorgeous. and she shared her skin routine with me. ours were exactly the same. we talked like we were real life friends. and then hugged again. and I ran off literally dizzy with glee, literally never to have another conversation with her again.
Jan 23 · 239
to connect
Kitten Yvad Jan 23
My feelings roll in strangely.
take them as they come
can't describe what
i found in others before


i just always was enough
i'd say repeatedly
i'd been "destroyed "
and of me
there was "nothing left"

but those were cries for help
then, I'd have to
argue to the death with
the ones who knew me best

there are words I never find.
I'll connect for nothing less

     than the situations I feel
safe in; connections that.  
  actually weather the time
proud of how protective i am of my energy. i got it from believing my friends,  when i was younger and how protective they would be of me.
Jan 19 · 77
on the floor
Kitten Yvad Jan 19
Sometimes I miss
things that are the simplest
Like my gel pens
sprawled out in a
roy-gee-biv ordered list

while I lay like a
little number 4
Backhand a resting
place for face
As I do homework
on the floor

I miss the excitment
to mark white fiber
to carve out
the lettering round
and not having a concept
of needlessly tired
rushing to show the
point of view I've found

i don't miss
the way my tummy
would push up
into my chest
or the way my neck
would cramp up
my rested cheek numb
at best

I don't miss the headache
that might ensue
I don't miss the dizzy feeling
that grew

from laying entranced
for too long on the
cold hardwood floor

and I don't miss
my imagination, that thing
is mine   forever  and

I get just as drawn up
mathing my
penmanship or prosing in calligraphed letter

and no
I don't miss the color
I infused it as a
sternum tattoo into my soul

and so
hand pressing my
plexus solare
*as waves of sound
it can ring from my body
new like never before
Kitten Yvad Jan 18
I'm not boring,
I'm at peace with the waterlillies of my
preferred activities

the foothills give me
a sprawling botanical garden
and hours of flattering sun
you are calling, enchanting
and im startled hon

so I kiss your cheeks with
wet swatches of iridescent
highlighter since you're

startling light already
blinds me some

it takes me about 2 hours
to get dressed, it takes you
the same plus 15 minutes
to come it takes 68 litres

of water and 3 floral partitions and the deafening
roar of silence in the pressurized heat
for us to come undone

thats what i say
when they wonder where
all the glowy images are from.
.

      
w    e  ll ,

.
                                  

it makes your hair all frizzy
the way the sun is relentless
and you sweat when we
take the slopes Valihi sent us
&grab my hand wait

I'm dizzy and we...
we really have to  run

fresh fruit

And the lake is just a vignette
sparkling just for
the wild life.
white wings on the water

hours
in an enchanted garden made our every
adventure so childlike.
I would never worry I was
boring again.


I have
an active dream life
and when
I tell you about it,
I'm almost as excited as
when I'm making art

All our adventures
only added wonder and
love to my home
     I'll only love more
only securely wonder on

q u i e t, tired
  I would never worry now
           that I was  boring again

after wearing out
in the sunsaturated foothills
you call me next   blue
blearyeyed verdant  morning

curious to eachother of
what dreams we'd had then
Jan 18 · 195
to wear it
Kitten Yvad Jan 18
there was usually a girl
I call her Morrison and
she makes
so much more sense

now

she liked girls and tender
as ever towards
other tender like
fever she had up no walls
no fence

she was a floodgate
at any moment
and she was all power in
her presence she left my
life with power in her wake

and she kissed me
and we laughed it away

Morrison was a pretty flower
in a tanned olive limbs
daisy dukes succulents
kind of way with
self-love showers
sultry summersunscents


durable flower; laugh
warm dark and deep
and thoughtful and self preserving eyes glittering
with secrets she knew
how to keep

how to keep love alive
around her.
how to value people
how to be flatter girls
and be simultaneously flustered

but never embarassed.
people rarely
noticed her queer
i don't know how i didnt
she knew how to wear it

like queer was her.
Queer had to come out
as her smile
and her
comfort in herself

and queer had to come
out as perky and spunky
perpetually enthused
but disciplined

maybe i learn
how to wear it too
maybe my queer fits
my comfort like queer
secretly has my name truly
my hair my mouth


when queer realizes this all
queer will
have to come out

and the queer is small and
suburban and thoughtful
queer is how hot it gets
on our trailing satin bedroom
road and queer is

how close i feel to someone
even if neither she nor i
never ever never know

queer will have to
come out as playful but
quiet and serious
queer will have to come out
as devoted loud adventurous friendships

queer will have to
come out as playful but
quiet and serious

come out as falling quietly but achingly  in love dreaming doting
and wildly delirious

queer will have to come out
as quiet walks to the
neighborhood park nearest
to us

queer will have to come out
as showing up unannounced
turning into cooking and
dancing to display
platonic love

queer will have to come out
as putting on makeup
and dressing up
just to shower in the dark
there was this girl Morrison , when I was little-er, who I honestly idolized so much because she was so driven and playful and sparky...

  but firm and demanding, secure and sultry. She was so many things that I wanted to be. I think she was the epitome of my trying to learn that two beautiful flowers can grow in the same garden with still room for more.

I think her loving me the way she did made me feel confident and desirable... the way she was... and she was.
Jan 18 · 674
where queer doesn't hurt
Kitten Yvad Jan 18
when did a circle become
a place?
how do 14 confused,scared,
"I don't know"s feel
more wise and directional
than the singular confused
utterance of my own?

when im alone

i don't know
but we condense and
we disperse! and I can return
to the "place" where

being queer didn't
hurt to breathe
first

where

my clumsiness is more
whimsical than doom
or cruelty and destruction

it fills me with sweet maybe's
I am so ok, see
the sky is pastel

I am the same girl
who chose her 12th grade
best friend by admiring
her dress and going in


and hugging her while
we're jumping and screaming
I'm the same.
its this love inside me
that all the mystery in the world couldn't change

cuddles can still be platonic
relaxed im still game

there's nothing wrong with it
           so                     queerly
lots of missed calls are
my love language

and i long for that place
communal space
can scared get erased?
where I can breathe clearly?

i love all the same
        it just hits a little deeper now

     god so much deeper now

   queerly
Jan 16 · 38
Notable
Kitten Yvad Jan 16
the love you've poured
into me is formidable
mothermountains
in a circle round this gorge

valleybasking
in a clayred sun
I always fall in love
the warm begs deeper more
the frozen that melts
from mothermountains
and like my dreams

from watercolor we run
in Mountains to water
from nutrient ash

a patrolling
perimeter  they surround
me in embrace of my native paths


January gives weird warm
glow  love resounds
you are the flowers,
the milkdrawn in my  baths

you stand beside me
tall invoke within me this insurmountable awe

no plans to hide me
small we spoke our sins
away you loved me
when I was broken, raw

love you have poured into
me is notable brave
like armor

you make me look brave
but wait I tremble
to have spoken



cos I am not tall
i am not brave
and i do not shine

love, but wait, by you
I do not fall
I do not fade
my fear does not bind

love you have poured into
me is notable, made
to be worn on
my heart on my sleeve
like honor

love you have poured into
me is notable brave
like armor
Jan 15 · 21
Body
Kitten Yvad Jan 15
My body takes a moment
my body is the sun

This moment is the
heat I flourish
in the movement
watch myself run

these pines they are forever
I am moved by
the surest of winding
path home roads

and these dreams are
born from fever
the watercolor binding
to the cotton canvas clothes

these dreams
all born of fever
I have to move before
I feel the sediment
i'm the rushing of the river

the place you love
is small, just smaller
every time you check

and you place your love
in tall, just taller
harder to reach places
every time your needs unmet


tell them they are safe here
in every sensation felt
watercolors in the rain
allow the music to seep through you
allow your core to melt

My body takes a moment
my body is the sun
my body takes a moment
my body is the sun
Jan 12 · 234
hold tight
Kitten Yvad Jan 12
dreams and things i hold
onto tight

thats ok, thats alright

thats my fire still
my light


you say "hold" like
your an island.
I used to be mistaken about
independence verses interdependence

im not an island
now if you asked me
about independence
with all my loves around me
just know, id stay silent
.
Jan 12 · 47
Think Again
Kitten Yvad Jan 12
patient
we are waiting
my mind is fertile ground

and shaping folding changing
my mind is playing
with lightwaves and speeds of sound
Jan 12 · 41
Ataraxia
Kitten Yvad Jan 12
Ataraxia
What I hold in myself
what I take out and put
back in
the depth of everything
i love

people who care about me
encourage me to get outside more

people who don't
encourage me to hide

Make it so much easier
to cut toxic ties

Dig a little deeper to heal
say those tumultuous
goodbyes

shedding all that, to
forget it, that magnetic,
tragic that tempts me

to dim my light.
Jan 12 · 49
venom
Kitten Yvad Jan 12
of all the worlds you
could make up and sell
this is the one

you fake and tell.

my boundaries and
energy might one day
become more valuable
to me than being polite
and considerate and cordial
Jan 11 · 913
you have; Both
Kitten Yvad Jan 11
the time to be curious and passionate

the time for intensive healing and recooperation
.
Jan 11 · 404
feverbloom
Kitten Yvad Jan 11
i feel hidden inside
patient with my my mind
as it learns the  
geography of hurt people
hurting people.

my heart gels
a film forming humectant
lilac and teal
insulated

just.. sufficiently from

hurt people hurt people

an endless dreamscape of
cacti on a parched plane
their arms outstretched



Spikes and Glochids.
Cacti wrap around cacti
sticky needles remain
lodged deep within
each the other's
succulent skin

their foreign bodies
make their  way
into eachothers blood.

Septecemia
in a drought waiting
for bloodpoisoning
feverish hungering for
a terrible flood

and their signs of
new drought warning
may sound promise of
love rain desired pouring

an endless dreamscape of
cacti on a parched plane
their reaching
arms outstretched

we wait for rain



i draft a map.
graphite on travelers' paper messily etched
the desert is beautiful.
so biodiverse and
queerly colorful one day.

water starved, unforgiving
cracked the next

have you ever seen
   the indigo wildflowers
  bloom?


no?

   a field of euphoria.

a winding path
I could  of run
from hostile conditions

to hostile conditions

but within hostility i might flower, a winding path of
near terrifying bliss.




and i map out the desert
because harsh as the terrain
   desert feverbloom myself

im designed to survive this
.
even when I am sad, lately, my energy feels really pure and real. my hearts been filtering away its own tolerance for confused and hurtful circumstances. my love is only a renewable resource when i expend it in warm and intentional spaces.
Jan 11 · 26
Intent
Kitten Yvad Jan 11
domesticity becomes itself
when out of self love,
all of its dwellers
act on good intentions

        and actually mean well
.
.
Jan 6 · 36
Spaceship
Kitten Yvad Jan 6
I don't want to be bad
For all the intensity that I feel
I derived empathy

in my darkroom
you call me but behind big defenses

arsenal capable on your vessel built like a citadel

you whisper like
you're held back
careful like the broken
interface holds static
you follow me like you're
bad ******

Xir you man a spaceship

I manage a little rocket
you're calling like sparkling live
are all the wires on your
dashboard

I download and archive
old location coordinates
just to get back home


I have an analog interface
and have to be certain
I can leave and survive
every visited
planet before I crash ashore
a non-sensical poem to describe a dream I had about traveling around in a foreign galaxy
Jan 4 · 26
Untitled
Kitten Yvad Jan 4
My heart spills all over you
Kitten Yvad Jan 4
like everything else
this, too, confuses me
no I'm not really sure

but we were so little
and pink and blooming with trust; queerly you know
that love Transformed



I was so sure of Them
and my assumptions about  Their form
I loved every bit of Them
misunderstood Him
I must have hurt Her.

But I'm sure that love
Transformed


I cried over you a lot
and you felt broken you
cried over me too.
And you wrote about me
in the open

it felt so creepy that I knew
and your spiral of love
and need and anger and yearning was so blue so blue so blue

my heat dissipated slowly
your sadness made me so torn

But we were patient .
And I'm sure that love Transformed

You burned so bright.
Reminding me of all the
goodness simplicity my finding my queerness had
lost

and I needed it more,
every day despite every
boundary crossed

A stream of late night
confessions. And I still
just wanted to be your best friend but it tore at my heart
the way it tore at my heart

all quiet torture for my end.
And you have said sorry..
Why does it always happen that way?

What like you're my confidant now??
The only queer person from my previous real life around??

You tore down my walls,
I turned up your sound...

Friends?<3
Do you understand now
how we could have never been "more"??

more ha. God.

I feel it how that love
Transformed

Quietly your baby now
princess when you reward me with the sound

But I was ready to tear
myself apart I proclaimed
my bravery in the horreur
of the dark



and you quiet deliberate
juggernaut thing I mean
you light so many fires
just to hear truth sing in choirs

And I was ready to hurt
in tears on the floor,
"I can not,please, I can not
take anymore."

Please don't give me
new friends, just to
shut that door


between then and midsommers' nights' kisses

I'm sure that love transformed.


And so I find
where to put it all.
When I'm scared, I put it
to sleep..
I'm at the drawing board
of fantasy
I'm met at the intersection
of where comprehension
and fantasy meet.

I have put so much inside
it, necessarily shut
so many haunted doors;
The whole ****** house!!

It lhaunted floor by dusty
floor. Light reaches
some rooms but its too dark
and heavy
in several more..


My life; I keep falling in
and out of love.


And I'm sure that love
has Transformed
Jan 4 · 21
Only Sometimes
Kitten Yvad Jan 4
I wanted to kiss you
sometimes

Like at sleepovers
when you would tickle me
or tell me secrets
or shower me with
openly jealous affection.

When we were
editing photos
or when you were singing
yourself into a fever


There were moments
when if you had felt
the way I maybe felt
fireworks and electricity
for days.

but kissing you seemed too
scary and it was much
more natural to love you
in several thousand
other ways
Jan 4 · 15
mayra street
Kitten Yvad Jan 4
She takes it to you slowly
glowing you are awake
And in that very early hour
your love is unafraid

what would those feelings
tell you now?
are they a signal a beam
a guide somehow

Brave.

We are a Lighthouse
wade out in to
the deep now because
brave we are a lighthouse

a bioluminescent warmth
to break through your
self doubt and fade,
it cools out not just fade it
cools out now.


some dreamy early morning
fog still in my head
if we had been all we
could have would it have
gone the way I dreamt?

We are hardly different
than we ever my have been
but our pull to one another
comes a little deeper
from within

And we speak the same
language, love when I
pick you flowers we see
the same sky

But so much largely
unchanged from reality
in my fantasies by and by
my first "girl crush" before I was actually queer.. was just a girl I was trying very hard to have feelings for. It was far too much work. Being friends was so much easier.

Didn't realize that 12 years later I'd actually be queer.
Jan 4 · 21
Formative
Kitten Yvad Jan 4
The words, they're
sweet like honey ugh
so sticky if you feel

and one girl one love
made this wish real
Care for what you make believe
careful what you make
pretend

careful thinking you are
solid immovable incapable
when daydreaming to kiss
a friend

And Today?
I would have never held fast.
today I'd be hit
from the moon blue
I would never stand a chance

The way you kept me
on speed dial, and by your
side. I would have fallen hard
kissed you burn crash

And today, not with
your curly hair and big
brown eyes the way you
held my hand.
Today I would have called
you my goddess
bend to your every demand.


But I didn't know.
I didn't feel it then.
Our first real bras and
your pink banded braces,
boys!! Yeah, we were
only friends.

"Only friends"...
only friends i swear
to god the straight world
is all pretend *

because I'll never
have a queer crush
who does it like you can.
The way you delighted
to embarass us.
In a quiet class the way
you demanded to hold my
hand.


And now the words
are sweet like honey
ugh so sticky if you feel

I can die in the light
of a queer persons radiance
before I can ever verbalize
what is real.

Dive in to the depth
of the intimate
things we've said.

And now I would lick
those words like honey
off the satin sheets of
my queer lover's bed
said

Baby now the words
are are so sticky
even with Girls*
if you feel

And now I am dying to
experience what we experienced but just as queer
as we were real.
Next page