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Dec 2020 · 486
Lara Mari Dec 2020
The lark does not sing at night,
Or not tonight at least.
When the darkness settles
And so does the mist,
The lark is nowhere to be heard.  

When the lark does not appear,
Neither does the deer.
With her majestic coat
And soft black eyes,
She goes into her hiding place.

When the deer is not seen,
The flying trout do not fly;
Nor do they merrily swim
Across the river's bay, no longer
brightly shimmering.

When the river is dull,
And the skies are dullened
By winter's smouldering cold,
Where on earth will I find the nature
My heart so fervently yearns?
Dec 2020 · 51
Endless Writers' Block
Lara Mari Dec 2020
Broken are the words of this poem,
Tired are the eyes that behold these rhymes.
Broken are the thoughts attached to them,
Tired are the challenges I need to climb.

No light of inspiration shines down
On these little lines I seek to write.
Will they turn my powerless phrases around?
Will they inspire the mind that reads them tonight?

This river has become endlessly dry,
No nourishing water flows down its track.
Will I just become an earth, a dust, and die
Without changing the world; this power, I lack!
Dec 2020 · 105
Muse of the Night
Lara Mari Dec 2020
Come, oh Muse of the Night,
And let us embark on a pitiful Dream,
Where moonlight Shadows and shaded Light
Make starry Skies and breathless Vapours deadly seem.

Come, my Melinoë, and take my sweet Dreams away!
I'll change my Sense for the purest Madness
For not in Agony I impede the venomous Day,
Nor return to Helios, Bringer of bitter Sadness.

Oh Daedalus! beg me to harness my Ambition,
(lest I fall prey to the Sun's melting Faculty).
Rise, my Icarus to drive me away from the Exposition
That could render me Aspiration's final Casualty.

Rise, my Dark, my beautiful Soul!
Catch me from rushing my Time.
Grace me with the Gift of Control;
Please, take my blemish'd Anxieties
Away, bring Golden Rest, and make it mine!
Sep 2020 · 41
Lara Mari Sep 2020
We leave the world the way it is,
not seeing past it.

Sophocles left behind his theatres,
not knowing of his plays today.

Buried underground,
we see no progress.

Shakespeare doesn't know
I read his plays in class.

Not alive to experience
the next invention.

Gutenberg won't ever know
how books are published now.

We never live to tell the tale
to future people,

how things were made,
how things were done.

We leave the world the way it is,
not seeing past it,

so what creations will follow mine?
Jul 2020 · 60
Lara Mari Jul 2020
I reveal myself to the sun,
A season of heat, a season of sweat.

The white lines on my arms
are only remnants of a battle
I lost long ago.

When young they are bright red,
So clear against my pale winter skin.

But, somehow, they are brighter than ever
against my sun-tanned, sun-burnt body.

Only memories of a brutal war
Are only more vivid in summer's light.

A season of reliving, a season of trauma.
Jul 2020 · 39
Dark Lover
Lara Mari Jul 2020
When the perfect storm came
She sat by her window
Trying to forget her sunburns.

After suffering a day of sticky light
And sweltering heat
She found a friend
In the cool chaos of the night.

The thunder, more thunderous,
The lightning, even brighter.
Pieces of hail striking her window
Dragging down the droplets of rain.

Grey sky, soaked pavement,
In the end she fell in love
With the enormous expense of sky
Tainting the earth
As if it were its canvas.
Mar 2020 · 218
Shut Down
Lara Mari Mar 2020
What are you waiting for?
No battle,
No war,
No apocalypse.
Hear the bodies cry, wreak of pain.
Feel the love lost, a little taken away
From this disarray, the chaos;
A world with no cure, nothing found.
Wear your fear in panic and concern
But don’t shed it on me!
Leave me to face the fear on my own,
Experience it first-hand.

Closed borders, nowhere to go,
nowhere to stay.
What have you done to us?
What have you created?
Listen to the lost causes,
lost voices,
lost minds.
Is it not enough what you’ve done?
Weak, old, incapable of fighting themselves.
What is it you seek and
What is it you’re capable of?
Jan 2020 · 141
Lara Mari Jan 2020
Suddenly it hit me:
a maelstrom of nothingness.
I can't discern it, it isn't tangible.

I run through the emotions in my head:

None of them fit what I feel.

There's a cloud hanging over my head:

I've only just noticed it's presence,
I think.
Dec 2019 · 89
New Decade
Lara Mari Dec 2019
Here's to the forgotten people,
the voiceless.
I'll help them cross the tightrope
marginalising the sick.
And as the snow falls
and the smoke clears the airways,
I'll be there to hold your hand.

Forgotten socks in the washing machine,
Pennies dropped on the floor,
little souvenirs of purposelessness
clutter the empty spaces of Earth.
Not worn,
Not wished upon.

In light of the fog and wind
I want to remind you that
before light comes darkness.
Don't let the ice make you lose grip of what's important
and run into the loving arms of the new decade.
Dec 2019 · 303
Lara Mari Dec 2019
I am the only girl sitting in a deserted library.
Lonely girl, sad girl.
Girl who fills her mind with fantasy
and fiction.

The empty rows of shelves,
The unoccupied study cells.
She sees it all, but dreams of
Her comforting bed, her soft pillow.

The printer whirs, the night deepens
And the moon shines through the loose blinds.
Mismatched books, cluttered highlighters,
She has it all in front of her

But midnight strikes, and the tantalizing urge to
Procrastinate presses on her mind.
Dec 2019 · 70
Still Cold
Lara Mari Dec 2019
I look at the bare-***** trees and the
slushy decaying leaves
the white smoke slipping out my mouth.
There was frost on my window today and
the dew on the grass was opaque and I
tripped on the black ice covering the stairs.

I protect myself--in an effort--from the
cold eye's of winter glaring at me through the
withered rays of sun and gloomy grey rain.
Scarf, hat, gloves, thick waterproof coat,
hot cocoa, warm baths, bonfires.
I'm still cold, though.

I can't seem to thaw this coldness
frosting my heart.
I can't seem to shake the snow
piling up in my head.

Yes, I told maintenance to
fix my radiator.
Yes, I use my hot water bottle.

But see, the problem is not that it's cold outside;
The that it's cold within.
Nov 2019 · 64
The Body
Lara Mari Nov 2019
in such a hard and lonely field
she waits for death to come
a suitor dressed in red and black
wraps tightly around her
beckoning her to the underworld.
the grass tickles her
the smoke tickles her
and the painkillers punch her

The vast emptiness before her,
the deep blackness deepening.
She sees a voice in her

What punishment she chooses next?
What does she want to end?
Is there another life awaiting her arrival?
Oct 2019 · 76
Lara Mari Oct 2019
My world is falling apart at the seams
like the books on my shelf.
I'm filling them with annotations, post-it notes, highlights.
But I'm not filling myself.

Literary figures come to mind at night.
They form one literary nightmare.
Bleed into each other like one story.
And in class, I can't tell them apart anymore.

And I can't tell who I am anymore. Who am I?
The girl suffering with eating disorders, depression, anxiety?
Or the girl who loves the books filling her shelf?
Oct 2019 · 66
Friendship with the Enemy
Lara Mari Oct 2019
You're my friend. A familiar bottomless pit.
You encourage me to push my ****** limits.
I stand in front of the toilet for you.
My stomach grumbles for you.
I'm always cold for you, always aching for you.
Stay with me. Wrap your firm arms around me.
I'm marked for life, affected for life. You'll never leave, right?
You're a force to keep me alive. Breathe Me.

But why have you chosen me? Why me as your companion?
You make me suffer, you malicious beast
yet you convince me you're on my side.
Why? Why do you take sadistic pleasure out of me?
I'm not your experiment, and you're not mine. **** me, if you must,
but stay away.
Oct 2019 · 77
Fire Alarm
Lara Mari Oct 2019
One day, I woke up to a siren.
I hastily put my coat on, put my shoes on.
I opened the door and followed the crowd.
I wondered if it was read, but the smoke eluded me.
Flames licked the doors. We were trapped outside, luckily.
My lungs felt heavy against my dense chest and soft coat.
They never checked the building. That's why he was left behind.
Oct 2019 · 55
Lara Mari Oct 2019
Social life.
I'm busy.

I'm not hungry.

I'm not tired.

I'm fine.
Oct 2019 · 62
Lara Mari Oct 2019
I suffered the pain of a thousand arms
Taken upon me.
The music lulls my mind. Numbs it, almost.

And yet the mascara runs down my cheeks.
And in a way I suffered the silence of a thousand days.
Sep 2019 · 624
Lara Mari Sep 2019
She has a skeleton in her closet,
one that haunts her everyday.
It calls her name, and tortures her
with words sharp as shards of bone
broken off a decaying soul.
Sep 2019 · 124
Lara Mari Sep 2019
Slowly, the burning fire becomes a storm of embers.
Slowly, the cries of hatred die down in my mind.
Slowly, the downpour turns to a drizzle.

And slowly, I rise from the depths of the drowning pool.
Sep 2019 · 118
Only a Dream
Lara Mari Sep 2019
In my dreams I saw myself
clad in metal armour.
In my dreams I was prepared
for an inevitable attack.

I was brave, I was chivalrous.
She came from behind,
but yet I was ready
to defeat the beast in question.

She looked oddly familiar,
like someone I see in a mirror.
But in her black-hole eyes I saw
the nasty thoughts she thought.

She had scars all over her arms,
thin, silver little lines.
She was emaciated, pale,

but her strength rang like alarm bells
that penetrated my body in a vibration.
She lunged at me
and threw herself on me.

Somehow I'd managed to grab my sword,
and I soon held her body-less head in my hands
by her hair. I felt its coarse blackness,
and the stickiness of her blood.

But when I woke up, no severed head was to be found.
I looked at my arms, I felt my face, I heard my suicidal thoughts.
I thought maybe the beast's ghost had sunk into me.

But the truth is, she never was a separate entity to begin with.
Aug 2019 · 66
Next to Them
Lara Mari Aug 2019
Next to them, she's ugly:
Her face is too round,
her hair is too thin.

Next to them, she's just plain:
Her eyes are not shiny,
her laugh not endearing.

Next to them, she's just fat:
Her arms are too thick,
her hips too wide.

Next to them, she's nothing:
She's untalented,
has nothing going for her.

Next to them, she's a failure:
no achievements,
nothing special.

Next to them...well, she's incomparable
to the people surrounding her,
to those she sees everyday.

She fades into the background,
because next to her, there are better people

that soak up all the attention....
next to her.
Aug 2019 · 73
A Fast Death
Lara Mari Aug 2019
You crinkled the foil of pain medication
to turn back the clock, or make it disappear.
You said it's not worth it anymore
and shoved down the pretty little pill.

Your blithe expression, your nonchalant eyes
made you believe you would be reborn.
But I haven't heard of any signs of rebirth or revival
in that ceasing heart of yours.

And the celerity of this motion
of swallowing a pill,
is followed by a a draft of ***
to double the quick and painless death to come.

Death cannot be undone.
Aug 2019 · 464
What I Really Feel
Lara Mari Aug 2019
Sometimes it’s easier to hide
what I really feel.
Sometimes it’s easier to run away
from what I really feel.
Sometimes I pretend to not believe
what I really feel.

But what I really feel will never go away.
Aug 2019 · 100
Lara Mari Aug 2019
Your heart has cigarette burn-holes through it. 
Your heart leaks as it beats. 
No one likes a leaky heart, my dear, 
no one likes a bleeding heart. 

Here's some gauze to patch it up. 
Wrap it tight, I'll give you more--you'll need it. 
But this is only temporary, my dear, 
someone will end up unwinding the First Aid. 

So the doctor called, she said there's no cure,
except for a deep, drowning sleep. 
Take these pills, my dear, 
so you can ease your crying heart. 

Your heart is dripping alcohol now. 
Drink some water to dilute the stinging pain. 
Take these pills now, my dear, 
so you can end this once and for all.
Aug 2019 · 240
Tombstone to anonymous
Lara Mari Aug 2019
A Beloved father, a loving husband,
A kind brother, a perfect son.
You've left a Dad-Shaped, a Spouse-Shaped,
Sibling-Shaped, Boy-Shaped
Hole in the Sky.
Lara Mari Aug 2019
As time passes, the black and white films
and the gramophone bleed to death,
leaving behind thin puddles, thin residual stains behind;
Only to be remembered by History.
Never overestimate or underestimate
the power of their existence,
for this annihilates the truth of their likeness,
all surrounding me, and all surrounded by me.
Jul 2019 · 214
Eulogy to the Sun
Lara Mari Jul 2019
You are the innocent soul
that lies beyond the hallowed edge of night.
A final breath of ghosts is the closest I'll arrive.

You stretch your lustrous limbs one last time
before vanishing beyond the secret border,
leaving an unfinished, but permanent shape in your place

to fill a gargantuan pit you leave behind in the sky.
Nothing can succeed you. Thus the night is empty
and all wanderers of Earth are left to sleep.

The bed is my make-shift coffin, and the horizon is yours.
Your death pit is always filled with a luminescent light,
and mine will be filled with a crepuscular dust.
Jul 2019 · 70
Objective of the Day
Lara Mari Jul 2019
I have a large mug to fill with fuel
that will hopefully keep me awake.
Dark, shiny, silky, thin ;
it is the looking-glass that peers into my soul.

I have a hoodie to keep me safe
from any unsettling emotions.
Blue, big, thick, warm;
it is the shroud that protects me from me.

I have a blade to appease my hatred
towards myself, towards everything.
Blunt, sharp, silver, pain;
it is the relief I get from my day.

I have a notebook to hold my secrets
that morph into structured words.
Black, pencilled, piercing words;
it is what I want to become some day.
Jul 2019 · 65
Lara Mari Jul 2019
A sparrow lost it's way back home one day.
He was scared, and his wings hurt from flying away
from the hawk chasing him, a tiny dinner.
As he perched on a tree, the sun rays got thinner
and he lost hope of ever returning home.
Jul 2019 · 87
In an Instance
Lara Mari Jul 2019
An instance is all it takes
to change the rest of our lives.
A mistake that one makes
can so easily destroy a reputation.

A friend in a car crash has scars
both inside and out.
Her life will never be the same
because she is living behind bars.

And one swig is all it took...

to **** a loved one, who had a future,
a whole road ahead.
He hibernates in his grave
until someone takes a swig again.

A dad who maims his daughter
will live in the shadows of regret,
when he sees his child suffer
from what he did and said way back when.

His little girl will hate herself
until she has the courage
to punish, abuse herself
to the point no return.

A day, a minute, not a second goes by
wherein what you do can turn
your whole world upside down.
An instance is all it takes

to take away any light,
any glimmer of hope.
Everything can change
In a day, in a second, in an instance.
Jul 2019 · 136
6th July
Lara Mari Jul 2019
For two years, I’ve suffered the IB.
The IAs, the EE....CAS.
It’s been a torturous journey
filled with all-nighters and stress.
My anxiety worsened, I got depression.
All for what? I find out soon.

I’m playing the waiting game now. I’m
waiting for my Uni to accept me. I’m
waiting for a 40/45....waiting

to see if two years of blood, sweat, tears
was worth it.

I’m scared.
I’m terrified.
I’m nauseous.
I don’t wanna disappoint anyone

I’m crossing my fingers.
Hoping for the best.
Was it all worth it?

We shall see!
Jul 2019 · 97
Lara Mari Jul 2019
His Name was Light.
He was the first to Arrive.
His pure silvery Slivers
brought Sun and Day
to the bland, empty Slate.

Her Name was Life.
Life brought Blood with her.
She set it Free in the Veins of
those who wished to Be.

Air came next.
He created a magical Force
that blew Wind through the Tops of Trees
and refreshed the lungs of those who wished to Be.

Now the Last Sibling was Late to the Scene
but nevertheless Arrived
with the Most Important Thing.
She knew something was Missing
and so her Name was Shadow.

She Arrived with Darkness, Blackness,
Nothingness. She knew that without Dark
None of her Siblings’ Creations will Exist
for those who wished to Be.
Jun 2019 · 108
Lara Mari Jun 2019
Through my lace curtains
I saw you drag a body
across the street.
Jun 2019 · 264
Lara Mari Jun 2019
Breathe in
Greet people, laugh at other people’s jokes, smile.
Breathe out
Wipe that smile off your face, you foolish child.
Have an internal rant at yourself, go on!
Hate yourself for your grades, your personality, your life.
Kick the door in, shatter the glass, destroy it all, but when you
Pretend to be normal, okay? It’s not that unbearable, or is it?
Yes, it is unbearable! Your smile has become a wince, you ******, you idiot, you maniacal stick in the mud!
I want to put myself in a teensy little jar, painted black so no one would be able to see me.
I do not want see the world and the world does not want to see me.
I can do whatever I want, say whatever I want, think whatever I want.
Sometimes, I’m afraid people can physically see my thoughts and fears.
So they force me into my worst nightmares, kicking and screaming. Begging.
I breathe in
When the air fills my lungs, I have to dream the best things. I have to be normal. I value everything.
But when I breathe out
I feel suffocated. Space and time no longer matter. I’m in my jar again.
I close my eyes, and I see a butterfly, clear and crystal blue. It’s striking boldness catches me.
I wish I were a butterfly, but the foolishness of such naive imagination reprimands me. I open my eyes and I’m back to the darkness of the jar.
I feel it spinning.
I feel it shaking.
Someone’s trying to hurt me. I just hope they don’t take me out of the jar— my home.
I inhale again, the smell of fresh air acidic.
I have to see the blinding mundanity of my life once again. I stifle a cry and turn it into a laugh, I conjure a smile.
Exhaling, Exhaling, Exhaling.
Now I’m safe, now no one can see me, no one can see me.
My own world, the space in the jar is all I OWN, but it’s all I need.
If the world is my oyster, I am trapped in it. I cannot get out.
But do I need to get out? Do I want to get out?
People try to penetrate the thin glass walls of my jar.
But I try not to let them.
They do anyway, and I shun them away. I don’t need their presence to make me alright. The silence is comforting. Because in my jar, I cannot hear a thing, not the faint voices of others, not a murmur, not a whisper.
Inhale (possibly for the last time?)
Ugh, I’m back again. I wonder if I stopped breathing, would I stay in the jar, forever??
I will just keep shoving the stupid ******* air out of my mouth until there is no more air left.
Jun 2019 · 143
Lara Mari Jun 2019
Gems spill from the lips he speaks through. Rubies, emeralds, pearls, and
Nothing of value to me.

Though others see the richness in his words...

None of them are un-hurtful
Or kind.
Jun 2019 · 163
Can you make me feel again?
Lara Mari Jun 2019
I’m numb. It’s probably the anaesthesia
The doctor gave me.
All it did was make me feel more numb.
Morphine, aspirin, Novocain.
No medication makes me feel once again.

It’s an empty void of nothingness
******* in any chance of retaliation.
I’m not cold, nor hot, but lukewarm;
A middle ground for breeding apathy
And so begins my heart’s atrophy.

I think of you, iridescent in your own light,
And I’m halfway ready to annihilate
The destructive force dwelling in me.
I’d asked myself this once before
But I can’t remember the answer anymore:

Can you make me feel again?
Jun 2019 · 155
Lara Mari Jun 2019
Baggy clothes
Emaciated face
He arrived at my doorstep.
He smelled of bile and cigars,
His eyes searched me desperately.
I still love him but
I don’t love his friends
Ana and Mia,
And what they’ve done to him.
I wish I could help, but I know it’s useless
Because these friends
Have overpowered him.
I want to tell him to stop, but I know
From experience that that’s the worst
Thing I can do. He’s hurting, I’m hurting
Because of him.
Jun 2019 · 176
Lara Mari Jun 2019
To all you spiders out there,

*******....seriously. You have no business
In my house,
My room,
My bathroom. I’m scared of you
With your creepy legs and
How many of them you have!
It’s unnatural. I know I’m being hysterical
But do you know how fear works?
I have to check my bed every night
To make sure you’re not under my pillow
Or in the creases of my duvet.
I can’t breathe, sleep, relax when there is
Even the slight chance of you and your sticky webs’ existence in my room. So
Stay out, leave me alone!

Yours sincerely,
Your least favourite fan.
Jun 2019 · 67
The untouchable
Lara Mari Jun 2019
The underground is a place for misfits,
Each have a stone to sit upon.
They’ve been exiled for their differences
That society never understood.

One stone in the underground is warm;
A stone sat upon by the banished God.
She sits in the midst of rubble and tar
And the gases of decay fill her lungs.

She watches over bodies, oozing blood and bile.
The bones of past predators are compiled in a corner. She hopes that
She will be forgiven for whatever she did wrong, but her fate was set in stone.

Perhaps the very stone she’s sat upon.
Jun 2019 · 89
Season Number 2
Lara Mari Jun 2019
It’s that time of year.
Get your bikinis out,
Your towels, the sunscreen.
Book your flights to Majorca, Saint Tropez,
Swim a little, socialise,
Party. Party. Party.
Sit on the lawn, eat ice cream and
Jun 2019 · 137
Lara Mari Jun 2019
I can’t do things right.
I can’t lose weight properly,
I can’t achieve things.
I can’t make people happy,
I always disappoint.

I can’t be a good sister,
A responsible daughter,
A good friend.

I can’t be a good person,
So what is the point?
Jun 2019 · 88
Lara Mari Jun 2019
The bonsai garden flows
Into my soul. The
Smell of
Cherry blossoms and
The sight of bamboo;
The faint pattering
Of the stream
Jun 2019 · 97
To the incandescent light
Lara Mari Jun 2019
He loved fires. And hated them.
He’d set fire to trees, paper,
And cloth. He loved to see
The incandescent light
Dance a little jig for him. But
It’d get too much. And he
Would have to put them out.

At work, he’d help destroy
The fires destroying, ruining, damaging.
With his bulging fat hose
And yellow clothes
He’d water the incandescent light.
His helmet too loose
And boots to big
He became a hero.
What they didn’t know is he’s both murderer
And father
To the incandescent light.
Jun 2019 · 204
Addressing Depression
Lara Mari Jun 2019
I will not be victim to you anymore.
You’ve tormented me. Mauled me.
Like a shroud you hung above me.
You were a ghost, a goblin, a ghoul.
I couldn’t eat, sleep, work, think.
I cannot let you overpower me.
I’m strong, you see?
I’ve faced everything you’ve flung at me.
I’m still alive. Breathing. Functioning.
I will smother you. ****** you
With the very knives you’ve thrown at me.
I was a weakling, you coward.
You took advantage of me.
I can do it. I will fight you. You will lose.
Jun 2019 · 84
Earth’s darkness
Lara Mari Jun 2019
Earth shattering, glass shards
Tear off the window.
View opens and blue graveyards
Stare back.
Moths, languid in their flight
Unfurl this rusty scent
On me.
Jun 2019 · 104
Condemned to entrapment
Lara Mari Jun 2019
Let me out from under these dark sheets.
Pull it away.

Let me out of this dark forest.
I cannot find the path.

Let me out of this abandoned warehouse.
Something locked me in.

Let me out of this noisy thing.
The exit light is off.

Let me out.
I am not hiding.

I am not playing hide and seek with you
Jun 2019 · 97
IV fluid
Lara Mari Jun 2019
My depression is like an IV line;
Small drops cause huge effects.
Jun 2019 · 674
To-do list
Lara Mari Jun 2019
- Cut out sugar
- Goal weight
- Cut out carbs
- Goal weight
- 100 calories max
- Goal weight
- Get fingers around wrist
- 100 push-ups
- Thigh gap

- Look Good?
Jun 2019 · 77
Flipping your mindset
Lara Mari Jun 2019
I am alone
Don’t make me try to believe that
I mean something.
Smiles are empty and evil is the world
So Deny. Deny. Deny that
Laughs are real.
Everyday is a struggle.
I can’t think that
I am not a failure.
Falling is the best thing I do.
It is not possible that
Breathing is not painful.
It is important to be happy
But when they torment you
Your mind floods with cruel thoughts.
When you listen to the demons
You become one.

Now read it backwards
Jun 2019 · 231
Lara Mari Jun 2019
Like flies to a window
I am disillusioned.

Like damp wood
I crumble.

Like ice
I melt.

Like a blunt pencil
I am futile.

Like light
I die.

Like a story
I end.

Read Backwards
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