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Claudia Jan 2019
Your life has been hard,
It has
And you're not even seventeen yet

You've just learned to wear your hair in a ponytail,
Even though it doesn't cover your face as well

Now everyone can see that face,
That tiny little forehead,
And those eyes that aren't quite green or gray or blue,
But full of hope

That is the color of your eyes

When you look in the mirror and hate yourself to pieces

When you wanted to grab a pair of scissors and cut off those beautiful belly rolls

And when you wanted to carve out a new shape for your nose

Ther's still hope,
In your eyes

Because that is what your made of,
and it shines through

Every time you've been broken down
Countless times

Every day on your way to school
Stepping through the gates of hell on earth

When they called you names
The sticks and stones
Staring at you in the corridor

When you got through your ninth year

When you saw your grandmother and all the safety she was die,
For the third time

When you realized that this time she wasn't coming back

When you told your dad you hated him,
And every time you realize you still do

When they crushed you
There was still hope left in you, if only the smallest grain

You always believed there would be a better day,

Even when you sunk the blade of a pocket knife into your own skin,
And you could barely see through the tears in your eyes,
And you mom cried,
And she held you,
And you said "No, you'll gett blood all over yourself"
And she screamed a little,
And there and then, at fourteen years old you thought that this,
This is rock bottom

You knew the only way out was through,
You knew

And that's why you made it,

Because no matter how sure you were that you'd given up you never really had.

That's why you,
Eleven years old,
You didn't jump ,
You didn't

No matter how hard you believed in the freedom of bones cracking,
In just a second
Floating away,

You never managed to convince yourself it would be worth it,
Because what if the sun will rise tomorrow and you will be okay?

Maybe that won't happen for another week or ten or twenty years
But it still wouldn't be wort it,

Because WHAT IF

You don't want to miss out,
You don't want to be the jinx,
Miss your whole life just because you got tired so you left early,

So instead you flew
Because you knew
You' pull trough

And you did
You bright bright ray of light
You brilliant star
Even though you are covered in scars

And that's okay,
It's okay

Now look in the mirror,
Look me in the eye,
And say after me

                                ­It's okay
                                 You did it

                           It's over now
Claudia Jan 2019
It's like that feeling
When you're a little kid and you've lost track of your parent at the mall
Running around aimlessly
Tugging at the sleeve of anyone who might be them
Who might be the one you're looking for
Might be safety in the lawless crowd
Might take you home

The escalating panic with every new face, every wrong face,
Every judging gaze
And seeing that the worst case scenario, you might die stuck right here and hopelessly alone

All I can think of now
As we walk across the bridge
Discussing feminism and things they never ever understood,
As you opened your mouth to catch a snowflake on that holy tongue

Is that I found you
You caught me on the tip of your tongue and I found you

I always hated how people say they "clicked"
But now I get it,
Not a click but that soft sound
Of the the last jigsaw sliding into place
That's what happened when I met you

I made sense

dear best friend,
Twin soul,
When they mistook us for lovers,
Or siblings I only ever felt flattered
To have you in my puzzle

You are the prettiest part of my picture

You are the best "click" I ever heard

You are a sincere "*******" to anyone who ever crossed me

You are everything I owe you
Everything I owe you
Claudia Oct 2018
And there she was
And tears were streaming
down her perfect little face

And I whispered

"I will never leave you"

And I knew then
That was all she’d ever wanted
to hear
  Oct 2018 Claudia
I ripped my heart out
And put it on your silver platter
And all you can say is
“ I’ll text you later .”
I guess this is how heartbreak goes for some people.
Claudia Oct 2018
I can’t shake
This feeling
Of drowning


I want to cry
And scream
And smile
And tear my gut open to let out the millions and millions of butterflies
Because they hurt
So nicely
But so, so

And I didn’t know you could really crave a person
Like this
Their presence

Their being

This scares me
And I don’t
For the life of me
Want it to stop
Claudia Oct 2018
Late summer 2018,
There I stood
Waiting in line for the toilet at a subterranean bus terminal
And I was so in love with you I thought I’d throw up

My legs hadn’t shaken like that since I was a panicky thirteen-year old

I can’t take this
It’s fantastic and lovely
And a perfectly lukewarm, relatable teenage cliche

Perhaps I’ll write a poem about it and post online

But the truth is
I can’t ******* take this
Not at all

I’m so sorry
I didn’t mean to fall so hopelessly, pathetically in love with you

I haven’t felt like this in all my ******* life

You’re standing out there
And I just want to run out the door and yell that I can’t
For the life of me
Get you out of my head

But instead I’m in here
And I think I’ll *** my pants
Or slam my head in the wall
Or that my heart might,
Just might
Break my ribs and bust out through my chest and into the head of the man standing before me
If nothing happens soon
Claudia Oct 2018
At first I just thought that you weren’t really like anyone else
I’d ever met
And that it was strange
‘Cause I’ve met a whole lot of people

And then
I didn’t think about it anymore

You were just another guy
I had other things to think about

Then you swept me of my feet

Now I’m head over heels

Scraped my knee
Broke my heart in the fall

Now I always think about you
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