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vllxch Jul 2018
most people see me as
a happy person because
i laugh easily,
i smile a lot,
i joke a lot.

but deep down
in my heart,
i am fragile,
i can get hurt easily,
but i choose to not
show it to the world.

instead of being sad,
i choose to laugh to cover it.
maybe you can call me
"the queen of the mask"

by this,
you can tell
that most of the time
when I'm laughing,
I'm not really laughing,
i was trying so hard to hide
my sadness.
vllxch Jun 2017
After that night,
I kept thinking and asking myself
"who is he?" for several times.
Why does he makes me feel so comfortable?
Why does he makes me feel so safe?

Even it was only just a dream,
I can still feel his touch,
The way he held my hand in front of our friends.
I can still feel the excitement and happiness while we were laughing together back in my dream.
My heart pounding and fluttering for every time i think about it just the same when i was in my dream.

I kept wondering,
Is it only just a dream or he was the guy that will accompany me in the future?
I wish he was.

(who are you?)
(is there any chance for us to meet in the future?)
(do us know each other?)
(i really want to meet you)
vllxch Jun 2017
You protect me like an umbrella
in rainy days,
You make me feel warm like sweater that i always wear in cold days,
You are like a rainbow that i always wanted to see after the bad rain,
Your shoulder is the best place for my head to lean on,
Every places that i have been visited always feel empty without you,
And home is not the same anymore.

Mom, you gave colors to my life since the beginning.
Without you here, my days just a black and white and pale.

Mother, thank you for always put my need first.
You are my hero and my queen,
I love you mom, and i always do.
vllxch Oct 2017
so heartwarming
when you see a lover
love each other

you want be like them

but in other way,
you're a cold hearted person
when it comes to a "love" thing
vllxch Mar 2019
let go of those
who makes your smile disappear
don't hold into something
that makes your heart ache
open your heart and you'll find those
who would give you butterflies,
they said.

here i am, being stuck with you
holding on to something
the cause of my wounds
wounds that brings comfort.
vllxch May 2017
you might be thinking that i don't recognize it,
you might be thinking that i don't know how it felt,
you might be thinking that i am the 'she don't care about me, she's just curious' kind of people,

but you're totally wrong,
i do recognize,
i know what you've been through, I've been there too!
i know how it felt darling,  

and no, i'm not that kind of people,
i do care, i really do.
vllxch Aug 2017
when i started feel a little happy,
the demons inside me started
make me mess things up.

and here i am again,
feeling more unhappy.
vllxch Jul 2018
after all the things that happened,
i become such a strange person,
i become so cold,
i can't like anyone,
i can't love anyone,
it's like there is something
wrong with my heart.
well, there is.

with this feelings,
i keep hurting people who loves me,
i keep pushing people away.

i dont want to be like this,
i want to find the old me,
but i dont know where,
i dont know how.
vllxch Oct 2018
i miss the old me,
i was not a quite person,
i used to be so cheerful,
i used to be smile a lot,
i used to be talk a lot,
i used to be so confident.

but that part of me is disappeared,
i lost myself,
no matter how hard i try to find it,
i just can't,
i need a map to find my own self,
but that map doesn't even exist,
guess i ain't gonna find myself.
vllxch Jul 2017
Sometimes i just get really sad,
No reason,
I just did.

It started burst me into crying,
I felt really hurt inside my chest,

And at that time i realized,
I am not alone,
I am lonely,
Even though i surrounded
by bunch of people,

My heart just felt so empty,
Like i just lost something or someone
I don't know,
I don't know what it is nor who it is.
vllxch Jun 2018
people said that
you are out of your mind,

because they don't know that
it is the best way to cure
your pain.
vllxch Oct 2018
maybe these day you feel alone or even lonely,
you know that actually you are surrounded by bunch of people,
you have lots of friend,
but you feel nothing from them,
you still feel you are on your own,
you don't have someone to share your story with,
but it's not that you don't want to share your story,
you just haven't found the right person to share with,
because you can't trust everyone, and that's totally okay.

maybe these day you've been asking,
"until when i being like this?"
maybe these day you praying to God,
"i don't need bunch of friend, i just need a person who will understand me and never leave me."
maybe you are so close to giving up,
but you choose to not giving up, you stay patient and stray strong.

you are doing the right thing.
on the right time,
God will send you someone you asked for,
or even someone more than you asked for.
someone will really do care for you,
someone will always stay right by your side,
someone that you can trust and rely on.

you just need to wait a little more.
and believe that on the right moment,
that will happen to you.
vllxch Jul 2018
it's been so tough for me,
every single day i asked myself,
"when will this end?"
"am i going to live like this forever?"

every single day
i've been holding it all,
by myself.

i don't know until when,
but when the time comes,
i hope they won't be sad.
vllxch Jun 2017
Having anxiety can make yourself selfish and confusing,
You want people to understand without you telling them.
But in other way,
You keep asking yourself
'how am i supposed to tell them when i don't even know it self?'
vllxch Jun 2017
Have you ever in that place,
where you were surrounded by so many people,
like on a family dinner or a party or even just hanging out with your friends,
but you feel like your mind and your soul isn't there,
you feel like they were going somewhere that is dark, empty, and really cold so you scream for someone asking for help to warm you up,
but there's no one, you are all alone
just your mind and your soul.

and in that moment,
your heart gets really hurt and you want to scream but cant and instead you make your step to the bathroom and cry.
vllxch Jul 2018
i thought it just a slight feeling,
but then i realized,
it wasn't.

you treat me so nicely,
makes me fall for you even more,
you are the one who could warmth my heart,
but you are also the one who break it.

in a moment you care about me,
but moment later you treat me as if i wasn't there.
you left me in confusing.
you left me hanging.

what am i to you?
could you please tell me.
it hurts so bad when you act that way.

what am i to you?
please tell me.
vllxch Dec 2017
I never thought that i will fall for you.
But, here i am.
Every day, every second,
falling for you over and over again.

I told God
my struggle on finding the right man to date.
because, i'm tired of wasting my time on someone who don't
deserve me.
But i guess, He just sent me one person
who deserve me and i deserve him,
it's you.
He knows that i need someone that could change me to be a better person.

You are that "someone".
You are the one that i never thought would come.
but, i'm so lucky and thankful that you here.

How i'm so in love with every wise words that you said.
the way you take responsibility of everything you do,
and the way you take care of me like brother take care of his sister.

There are so much more about you that makes me fall deeply in love with you,
but i don't wanna share it to everyone,
or else they will fall for you too.
vllxch Aug 2017
Sweet voice
Sleepy eyes
kind hearted

Your hand
Export words
That could touch
My heart

You are the only one
Who can grow the flowers
Inside my infertile soul

And i thanked God,
For having you in my life.
vllxch Jul 2018
when i woke up this morning
it feels weird, because you weren't here,
beside me.

when i look up into the bright beautiful sky,
i remember all the memories that we have, memories.

day by day passing by,
everyday is just a normal day.
but not for my soul,
there is something missing,
it's your presence.

— The End —