I grew up dreaming
That I'd have a happily every after

I grew up seeing
My parents walk away

I grew up dreaming
That I'd be whoever I wanted to be

I grew up trying
To fit within the page of an A4 paprt

I grew up dreaming
That I'd fall in love and it would be wonderful

I grew up crying
Over someone who didn't really care

I grew up dreaming
That I'd make a difference

I grew up being
A random nobody

I grew up dreaming

Until

I grew up

In this world
I have no control over

Everything is in chaos
With my future unsure

And I've done all I can
To find something worth doing

But to no avail
I found nothing

And in the end
I turn to Him

When He should have been the one I turned to
In the first place

I sit here by my bedroom wall
my back on stone, cold concrete

I stare at a future as bleak as the white wallpaper
peeling off the edge

Why is my worth
based off of a single sentence
the only referral to what I can or cannot do

I have plenty to offer
beyond the lines of A4 paper

And yet society scan these things
with cold eyes and cold minds
drawing a line to what I can or cannot do

And in the end,
I conform to those lines
tucking away the other sides of me

Feeling as though I have nothing to offer
for I do not fit within the boundaries
of those lines

I thought I'd lost you
To harsh words and lies

Each day was a mess
With no one to talk to
No shoulder for my head to rest

We pass each other by
Wondering when our war would end

Not a war of fire
But of cold, cold ice

You smiled at me one day
And I smiled back

It was a start
For today

Where we finally talked
And you didn't hate me

And my fears
Were your fears
And we had thought our friendship was gone

But it had ended
The wall between us

I could finally hold your hand and say,
"It was terrible being at war with you."

And you replied likewise

I know your voice,
Singing for me,
I know your eyes
Twinkling through the screen,

The way you smile,
The dimple in your cheek,
All of these things,
But I don't know you

Your birthday, your name,
Your tastes and your face,
I know these things
But I don't know you

And yet

May you shine
Like the star in the sky,
Filling up my heart
With the melody of your song,

May you sing the song
That dwells inside,
And I will be here,
Listening..listening..

Though your heart may be breaking,
Though it pains me to see,
You still smile like the sun
Through the storms in your seas,

Sweat on your temple,
Through blood and through tears,
You forge through it all,
So your song could reach me

You give me everything,
The me who has nothing
But my love to give to you

I'll be by your side,
Though they be against you,
Don't worry you'll see,
Everything is alright

I wish you happiness
I wish you peace
I wish you good fortune
And all of the bliss

You may not know me,
Never had and never will,
But I hope you will know this,

You are a star that shines
In the darkest of night,
And I will sail with you
Through wine-colored waters,
Listening to your song

I don't know you,
You don't know me,
But we are connected
Through a melody.

He was a boy
With ginger curls
And a smile to his name

His eyes twinkled with mirth
At everything I say

With music as a bond
We share ourselves

Even if only for a moment
He was able to bring out
The love of music
From inside my shell

You've gotten silent
You don't reply anymore

What could lead to hours of conversation
Ends with just a sentence or two

Just because you found someone new
Does that mean you'd just leave the past behind

Whenever I stray from classical music
He brings me Bach

My aunt tells me

Be careful with your heart

And I promised her I would

But I couldn't tell her

That it wasn't my heart I had to be careful with

It was my mind

Weddings are wonderful things
I know

But I can't help but be heartbroken
As I see a couple join together

Knowing if they do not love
There will be no chance of love

If love was forever
Why did you part

If love was loyalty
Why did you seek others

If love was vowed
Why did you break it

If it was meant to be,
Why was it not meant for love?

I guess that's it

Once you've found someone new
You forget me too

Just like everyone else
Who stepped away from my life

I am but a passing melody
Forgotten by the end of the piece

And they ask me,

"Hello, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you. And you?"

The automatic reply out of my lips
Falling out in my stead of teardrops

"Fine, thank you. And you?"

I'm fine. Not great. Not good.
Just..

Thank you.
For your politeness. For the bother enough to ask. For the question, even if you couldn't care less.

And you?
Deflection. Before you can see me. Before I can honestly answer the question. Before I can say,

"I'm not fine. I haven't been fine for so long. Yet I deceive myself into thinking I'm content. And it's been so long that someone actually wanted to know if I'm fine or not, I've forgotten how to express myself. How to open up. How to describe how I feel - it's too hard to describe how I feel, so I just say,

Fine, thank you. And you?"

But then again

I initiate conversation
But you never reply

And every ring of the phone
I have expected someone else

But even if I knew it's not you
I can't stop this feeling of disappointment

Okay

So apparently

All the poems
These letters
These words

Hoping you would read them
Were all for naught

You were someone
I could go to
When I wanted to feel
Closest to my happy self

But she took my place
Occupying your attention
Giving you what I cannot give

And so I step back
And let you go where you want to go
But still hoping you would
Step aside and walk beside me

Talk to me
Like we used to before

And of course
I'm met with disappointment
once again

It's funny how this is becoming
A common appearance
In my life

I cannot keep anything for myself

I cannot keep you for myself
As you are not mine to begin with

And I have to let you go
Like water streaming through cupped hands

Hoping you find happiness with someone else
Hoping you smile more with her

As I cannot give you what you want
I cannot love you as much as I want to

Because I have responsibilities
And you deserve more than what I can offer

And I can offer nothing but myself

Just this short moment
A little moment to yourself

Look at the sky for a moment
A pause in the humdrum of life

And just take a little moment
Like the quarter rest on hold

Cool down the thrumming heart
Relax those tense shoulders

Add a little honey
To the sourness of the situation

As life gives you lemons,
Make lemonade

Poetry is a lighthouse

For the broken hearted
For the chattering minds
For the lost souls

Poetry gives comfort

Filling in the crevices
Of the empty chambers
Of a labouring heart

Poetry gives peace

Stringing out words
Into coherent sentences
For one who's mind is against them

Poetry is a lighthouse

For a soul who's lost
In the ocean of one's insanity
Depression being the sirens
Luring one into false sanctity

Poetry is a lighthouse
Giving a little guidance
To hope a little more
For this world

I portray myself as a perfect friend
Though it hurts to keep it inside

I lift up my chin and smile so pleasant
My fingers tremble at my side

Change of plans in dozen
I don't want to lock you away

So I watch you walk with her
As I stroll a little bit behind

Out of sight and out of mind

I don't wanna go to school

Only in dreams
Are people nice
And care about how I feel

Only in dreams
Am I nice to myself
Because negativity stays away

Only in dreams
Can I be with you
Because reality is unrequited

But dreams
Are only dreams
In this nightmare
Of a reality

And I start this decade
Loving someone

Knowing I will face
The inevitable heartbreak
Later on

And they told me
Not to stay away

But I can't help it
My heart hurts
When I think of you

My head is drowning
And my heart feels like lead

My limbs are numb
And my eyes see unfocused

And I wonder
Whether I am
A good person or
A bad person

I wish no harm in anybody
Yet I have caused harm to them

And I live with the guilt
Of my conscience
Of the sin of a betrayal

And despite the efforts to do good
Am I going to be stuck making mistakes that hurt people

If so..it would be easier
For everyone If
I cease to exist

But that would be running away

My heart is itching

Itching

        Itching

                 Itching

For you you you you you

But no

No

No

I can't

Won't

Shouldn't

Love you

Hate you

We're just friends

Oh but how my heart itches

If I had one question to ask you
I would ask

What makes you happy?

And watch your eyes light up,
Your heart flutter,
Your lips grow into a smile,

And I would do everything I can
To make them permanent

I look outside
The sun laughs at me

I look up the sky
It's clear with an ocean blue

I look at the trees
The wind dances around with the leaves

I stay inside
And long for the outside

Lethargic

As you lie on your back and close your eyes. The gentle breeze caresses your skin. You smell the air, and it is scented with nostalgia from memories past

Each minutes passes by. 60 beats. Heartbeat. Your heart beats in rhythm with each breath you take

Gentle breeze

I don't deserve what I have

1. I don't deserve to be alive
    So can I trade my life for
    Someone more valuable than me


2. I don't deserve to be loved
    So please give your heart to
    Someone who can love you more


3. I don't deserve happiness
    So direct your smile to
    Someone who will smile back at you


4. I don't deserve me
    So to myself
    Find someone else to be

That’s the thing

I can’t love anymore

Because I was led to believe that I was loved

Only to discover that it was all an act

He was only lonely

And I was led to believe that I had found someone who would treat me better than my parents treated each other

I can’t have you

Because I’ll go in the relationship

Just waiting for the inevitable to happen

The moment you look me in the eye and say you never loved me

I look back at my poems
And I laugh to myself

How sweet they were
My feelings then

Only lasting a moment
An hour and a day

A time so precious and dear

We've finally met
After not seeing each other for so long

And yet here I am
Pushing you away

From my heart, my mind
Hoping not fall in love

Helpless that I will have to fight
Against feelings I don't want to have