I have wasted my life away.
While you looked the other way.
I sat alone and cried, man it was rough.
You made me feel like ****, I wasn't good enough.
I eventually gave up on a happy life.
Screaming for you, while holding a knife.

Because when you lose your drive...
It's hard to stay alive.

It's 1 a.m. and I'm tired.
I've been up since 3 a.m. the pervious day.
I want to sleep in the warmth of my bed.
No, this couch isn't okay.

It's 2 a.m. and he called me.
Asking if I wanted to go to his house.
I agreed with slight hesitation.
Little did I know he'd tear open my blouse.

Its 3 a.m. and I just wanted a place to sleep.
I can't live like this anymore.
I'm so far gone to notice.
That the pain has reached my core.

It's 4 a.m. and the drugs kick in.
I can feel it in my bloodstream.
The realization finally hits me tonight.
That maybe this is all just a dream.

It's 5 a.m. and I don't know where I am.
My life is soon coming to an end.
"Goodbye mom, I'll miss you."
Is the last text I'll ever send.

Its getting blurry.
My heart slows down.
Finally, darkness.
Sleeping, safe and sound.

My heart hurts for the girls wishing to be done.
But mostly it breaks for the innocent one.

Crying over the boys who dragged her down.
She's trying so **** hard not to drown.

My head pounds hard like a fist knocking on a door.
I'm feeling the sting as I sink to the floor.

Broken and beaten is all I can feel.
Wishing this whole thing wasn't even real.

I realize I am too falling for a boy.
Who's been using me for the sheer purpose of joy.

My stomach is hurting like I'm going to be sick.
It's like he's a team captain and he gets his first pick.

I guess I should be lucky I was his number one choice.
But I can never stop hearing his deep raspy voice.

The buzzing in my ear never disappears.
It's as if I'm living my worst fears.

Soon I begin to understand the pain.
I understand why people are in love with the rain.

One thing is promised, to me it's a fact.
I will be ****** if I ever turn back.

This is the story of two little birds,
forced to keep their story unheard.
One quite frail with legs so lean,
the other a bit large, eyes of ivy green.
They met in the forest just barely hatched,
when they came across one another in the forest thatch.
They’d fly next to each other, side by side,
how sad their love, they had to hide.
They tried not to let their wings touch,
touching only a little, at least not that much.
They kept flying yet couldn’t seem to find the light,
their wings were tired from putting up with the fight.
At night they’d try to sleep, together in their nest,
comforting his beloved, the smaller tried his best.
‘Why can’t we love?’
Neither knew the answer as the moon shined above.
Sadness took over the bigger ones heart,
never wanting to ever be torn apart.
He was tired of being told no,
trying his hardest not to let go.
The smaller one whispered while taking in the cold breeze,
‘Hold on, stay brave for me, please...’

She's a lot prettier then me.
Anyone can clearly see.

Whereas I am just a broken heart.
You knew this from the very start.

I was waiting for someone to come by.
Hoping that one day, I too can fly.

Then you showed up and I smiled more.
Hoping it was you knocking on my door.

But she's more open and outgoing.
It's like she's all knowing.

I'm afraid to be in her shadow.
Because it makes me feel so ******* low.

You began to fall.
And that's what ended it all.

You spin her and kiss her perfect lips.
And each time you do so, my heart rips.

That girl doesn't deserve you.
Because the truth is I do.

I loved you from day one.
Little did I know it was just for fun.

I've fought for so long.
This all feels so wrong.

You're supposed to be mine.
So no, **** it, I'm not ******* fine.

Falling for someone is pretty destructive.
Seeing their smile.
Feeling the warmth of their embrace.
The taste of the gum they were chewing.
Noticing the way they dot their "i's".
And cross their "t's".
The way they spoke.
Soft and sweet.
The way they smelled of that ****** cologne you hated,
But loved the way it smelled on them.
The color of their eyes,
Of his eyes...
They were brown.
I never knew the color until I looked into his eyes.
I hate that color.
His cologne smelled like cinnamon.
God, I hated cinnamon.
The way he spoke.
Sounded like daggers cutting off rose petals.
God I hate roses.
The way he wrote letters to me.
Writing my first name with his last name.
Giving me false hopes.
And now I can't write anymore.
His breath smelt like his favorite brand of mint gum.
And I could taste it when he'd kiss me.
I ******* hate that flavor.
And, my God, his hugs.
They now remind me of suffocation.
Overwhelming regret.
I don't ever want to be touched anymore.
His smile was the highlight of my days.
But now my nights are strictly shadows.
And now I can't even smile myself.
Because,
Didn't you know?
Falling for someone is pretty **** destructive.

You loved him, didn't you?
The way his eyes sparked in the light.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he held on to you so tight.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he sounded when he would sing.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he laughed at everything.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he'd smile when he caught you staring.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he was so gentle and caring.
You couldn't show him, could you?
Because he now decided he didn't want your heart.
You were broken, weren't you?
Because you already give it to him from the very start.

Stop giving him excuses.
He wasn't too busy to reply.
He should have at least said goodbye.
Stop giving him excuses.
He wasn't to busy to call.
He should have given it his all.
Stupid girl, stop giving him excuses.
He wasn't there for you like he should be.
He should have the decency to see.
So please.

Stop giving him excuses,
Reasons for him not to care.
Because for you to be treated like ****,
Isn't and never will be fair.

Feelings are simple to explain.
There are two reasons people don't talk about them.
One. They don't mean anything.
Or
Two. They mean everything.

*******.
**** your stupid way of thinking too.
*******.
**** the dumb things you do.
*******.
**** if I only knew.
That all this time has gone down the drain.
Only to be left with this ******* pain.

Every day I hear about your love for her.
Because everyone knew you were gay.
And then suddenly you changed your mind.
You aren't supposed to ****** him away.

You told everyone you knew what you wanted.
Never did I think it'd be a man.
Because I thought you were in love with her.
And I could have loved him more then you can.

Confusion spins around my head.
Its almost as if everything was a lie.
But the pain will eventually leave.
Because everything does eventually die.

But in the end I thought we were friends.
Clearly that was a mistake for me to think.
Its almost laughable at first thought.
As I drown my tears in another drink.

Friends aren't supposed to hurt you.
They're not supposed to make you upset.
If anything they're supposed to be.
Your only safety net.

Now the final game is over.
And the deed has already been done.
You've completely ruined everything.
I guess you have won.

It appears your victory is present.
You broke a selfless heart.
By simply taking away the boy she loved.
And tearing her apart.

******* was he beautiful.
Everything about him was.
For him it came naturally.
He was flawless in everything he does.

******* was he smart.
He seemed to know everything.
Passing every test with an A.
Treated by all the teachers like a king

******* was he kind.
Treating everyone with pure love.
Knowing the struggles of life.
It's like he was an angel from above.

******* was he funny.
Knowing just how to make me smile.
The feeling was amazing.
Just laughing with him for awhile.

His parents loved him dearly.
Knowing they had the perfect son.
It helped him succeed.
While still making sure he had fun.

What a shame this boy seemed to lose himself.
What a sad story to tell.
Because behind that perfect smile.
He was caught in the deepest part of *hell.

Goodbyes are never wanted by us,
But instead they are our deepest fears.
Leaving us broken and afraid,
Hoping not to shed any tears.

But when you're sitting alone in your room,
And you feel a part of you has died.
"Take deep breaths," they tell you,
"At least you can say that you've tried."

But it's almost laughable,
Because no one knows the pain in your heart.
It's a salty smile you taste,
You might as well tell him he has torn you apart.

Every time I close my eyes,
I think of all the times I had to hide.
And every time I see you smile.
I wonder why you didn't stay for awhile.
And I'll try to hold back my tears.
And I'll try to help you through your fears.
But just know, inside I'm dying.
And I hate the fact I'm always lying.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
I tried so hard to close the door.
But somehow you always find your way back in.
I can never speak, I'm forced to listen.
I stay silent, for what seems like ages.
Forced to write my unspoken thoughts on empty pages.
Hoping one day I can finally be free.
Because after all of this, somehow I know it's meant to be.

Hi, I'm a ****.
I'm the girl who is only seen as a ****** slave.
I'm just digging my own grave.
Hi, I'm a ****.
Having *** seems to have marked me.
"****, let her be."
Hi, I'm a ****.
I never close my legs.
Drinking straight from kegs.
Hi, I'm a ****.
Today's world is so messed up that we are stuck with a meaningless name.
It's a game.
Hi, I'm a ****.
I've gotten more men then I can handle.
Caught up in a scandle.
Hi, I'm a ****.
Broken and threatened, bullied online.
****, she is so fine.
Hi, I'm a ****.
But I'm also a writer too.
An artist, a poet, but you never knew.
Hi, I'm a ****.
Where today in this world names can translate into actions.
And girls can get rapped.
And you can't escape.
Because fate is fate.
And I should not wear that because it's cut to low.
She's such a ***.
She should just go.
Hi, I'm a ****.
And it's a title that never dies.
Breaking ties.
Because.
Hi, I'm a ****.
And I can never keep a guy.
No matter how hard I try.
And it's all a lie.
But, Hi...
I'm a *****.

His voice reminds me of blades, sharp yet slick.
It can cut through skin but never can cut through brick.

His hair reminds me of silk, soft like his lips.
Sometimes it sends tingles through my finger tips.

His smile reminds me of my dreams, constantly following me.
He is so **** beautiful but he can't even see.

Every piece of him just remindes me, that I can never call him mine.
Its like I'm always lying, when I tell him I am fine.

I guess I'll never understand some poems...
I have never felt their pain.
And when it comes to the idea of love...
Well, some people are purely insane.

I guess I'll never truely know...
I have never walked in their shoes.
And when it comes to sadness...
Well, I rarely sing the blues.

"I love you"** was your easiest lie.
I wish you'd just let me go and say "goodbye".
Holding me, well it must of made you arms burn.
Reading me, you did it so often but you never did learn.
Kissing me, mostly likely seared the tip of your tongue.
Seeing me, probably made you feel nothing but numb.
But "I love you."
Was so easy to say.
To you, "I love you" was a phrase to just keep me to stay.

Trapped behind these walls.
Tears flow like waterfalls.
Hopeless dreams waste away.
Like the words she never got to say.
Once full of love and life.
Now stabbed with a 7 inch knife.
Look close in her eyes.
You can see the lies.
When she tells you she's fine.
It's just another line.
In reality she in so much pain.
She's barely even ******* sane.

Let me introduce myself.
I am your worst nightmare.
Your biggest regret.
And the reason for your despair.

Let me introduce myself.
I am the sadness in your veins.
Your hidden secrets.
And the reason for your worst pain.

Let me introduce myself.
I am the heavyness in your heart.
Your broken dreams.
And the reason you feel so torn apart.

It's you.
I know it's you.
You leave thought's in my head.
You leave scars on my heart.
You leave pain in my soul.
Everything reminds me of you.

It’s you.
I know it’s you.
The shade of pink your cheeks turn when you blush.
The little marks on your tummy.
The crinkles by your eyes when you smile that mediocre smile.
The little bit of blonde color in your hair.
Your eyes.
Your accent.
Your taste.
They're all printed in my brain.

It's you.
I know it's you.
Something's screaming inside,
looking for that person who calms the anxiousness.
Then the searching stops.
And the regrets come back,
along with the demons.
They are imprisoned in my soul again.

It's you.
I know it's you.
But.
Something's bleeding inside.
It’s not blood.
I don’t know what it is.
But it keeps dripping,
until it silently drowns me in a pit of my own despair and sadness.

It's you.
I know it's you.
Something's broken outside.
But it's not glass.
No.
It's the sound my knuckles make as my fist hits wall.
No.
It's the thirst of my throat.
No.
It's the scream of my stomach.
No.
It's the fact that,
You broke every single part that's left of me.

It's you.
It's know it's you.
My ears miss your laughs.
My eyes miss your cheesy smile.
My nose misses that distinctive scent.
My lips miss that mint gum flavor.
My hand misses that touch of your delicate hand.
My shoulders miss that tight hug of yours.
My chest misses the way you made my heart beat so fast.
My feet miss the way it should walk everyday to see you.
My fingers miss the way they entwined with yours.
My hair misses the way you caress it.
Every single part of me is missing you.

It's you.
I know it's you.
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Or am I the pathetic one?
You still make me happy even if you are the main reason why I'm sad.
I let you become my happiness and that's where I went wrong.
Because you killed what was left of the good in me.
Yet I still loved you.

Because.
It's you.
It's always been you.

I waited for him.
I always waited for him.
When we would flirt and get close.
I waited.
And when he backed away to be with someone else.
I waited.
When he called needing to talk about whatever girl he broke up with.
I waited.
When he would get drunk and his feelings slipped about me.
I waited.
When the cycle repeated mercifully over the next year.
I waited.
When he told me "you are my person" "I need to talk to you,"
I held onto that more than I should've.
And once again, I waited.
I don't think I'll ever stop waiting for you.

Knowing he will never hold me like that again.
Knowing it's possibly the very end.

Knowing he kissed me and left me alone.
Knowing that I am now on my own.

Knowing how easy it was for him to just up and leave.
Knowing how hard it was for me to even breathe.

Knowing is the true power that can conquer all.
But knowing he's gone will be my greatest downfall.

You make a list in your head of what you want in a lover:
Brown hair.
Beautiful eyes.
A sharp mind.
A soft heart.
You want someone with a sense of humor.
One that actually makes you laugh like you mean it.
This and that.
It's all *******.
Because.
People.
Aren't.
List.
And I have always wanted to be the person,
who made someone realize that.
I want to come across someone with a list in their head,
that is nothing like the person I am,
And I want to show them what they didn't even know they were looking for.
People who think they know what they want are fooling themselves.
Nobody really knows what they want.
Not until it is right in front of them.

It happened again;
I woke up from a dream to realize,
My life is a nightmare.
It happened again;
I screamed for help because,
This pain isn't fair.
It happened again;
I reached out for a hand,
That wasn't going to hold on.
It happened again;
The hope that I once had,
Is so far gone.
It happened again;
I focused on you,
And ended up losing sight of what was real.
It happened again;
I lost all of my senses because now,
Numbness is all I'll ever feel.

One day they're going to forget about you.
They're going to move on.
One day they're going to disappear.
They're going to be long gone.

One day they're going to be with someone else.
They're going to start a family.
One day they're going to have everything.
They're going to be happy.

One day they're going to sit and think.
They're going to be listening to music in their car.
One day they're going to hear your favorite song.
They're going to wonder where you are.

One day they're going to see that the lyrics finally make sense.
They're going to think they should have noticed before.
One day they're going to see the connection.
They're going to realize you're the one they're meant for.

One day they're going to have sadness growing in their hearts.
They're going to try and blame fate.
One day they're going to feel the pain.
They're going to be already far too late.

Please don't do this to me,
Don't make me feel like I matter to you.
It's so **** painful to me,
Because I know that none of it was true.

Please don't do this to me,
I just wanted something real.
But it kills me to know that,
Obviously that's not how you feel.

Please don't do this to me,
You left me with the touch of your skin.
The feeling of you laying next to me,
It almost feels like a ******* sin.

Please don't do this to me,
Don't give me a reason to cry at night.
Remembering your arms holding me,
It's so clear to me that I've lost that fight.

Please don't do this to me,
I'm so tired of being broken.
So many thoughts fill my head,
Because there's so many words that have gone unspoken.

Wanna know a secret?

I loved your happiness over little things.
And your messy brown curly hair.
I loved your beautiful blue eyes.
And your stupid evil glare.

I loved the way you made me laugh.
And the way you'd kiss my cheek.
I loved the way you said my name.
And the way you called me every week.

I loved your smirk when you tickled my sides.
And the way you'd cup my face.
I loved the way you held me too tight.
And the warmth of your embrace.

Secrets aren't meant to be shared.
For it's hard to have trust in anyone.
But knowing that we never stood a chance.
I thought I'd share this one:

*I loved you more then anything.
And it's hard to let that go.
Because loving you really hurt.
More then you will ever know.

You make me sick,
with that stupid smirk on your face.
You feel so much pride,
but you're a ******* disgrace.

You make me sick,
by the way you treat other people like ****.
You act like you're important,
but when you don't get your way you throw a fit.

You make me sick,
when you punched me in the eye.
Who are you kidding?
You're not a ******* stand-up guy.

You make me sick,
the way you try and make me stay.
You're the dirt on the ground,
and eventually you'll pay.

You took me
.
Ripped my heart out
,
held my pumping love in the palm of your hand
.
Then kissed me
.
You kissed me hard
.
I dripped from your mouth,

slowly down your neck 
onto the cold, hard pavement.
And here I wait.

I am waiting for you.

I'm just ******* terrified.
I'm afraid that one day I will wake up,
You will send me a message that says:
"I can't do this anymore."
And I'm just ******* terrified.
It's not that I know what love is,
Because, well, quite frankly I don't.
But I know that the sound of your voice,
Makes me go absolutely insane.
I'm just ******* terrified.
I don't want to waste my time on people,
Who only set out to hurt me.
Who want to mess with my emotions,
Then just leave.
And I'm just ******* terrified.
I need things to work.
I'm so tired of everything breaking.
I'm so tired of sleepless nights and heartaches.
I'm just ******* terrified.
My heart is poured into a glass that is on the verge of smashing.
I'm almost gone but I'm still here.
And I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing.

To the girl that loves him next,

Please be careful with him.
He has a fragile heart.
He gets attached and frustrated very easily.
Don't push him away.
Just know he's willing to take a bullet for the people he loves and you're one of them.
But,
Communication is hard with him, mainly because he's very stubborn.
Stay calm.
He will eventually talk to you.
His eyes do change color.
When he is happy, they are the bluest things you'll ever see.
They're bright and trusting which makes you feel comfortable.
But when they're grey, you can see the discomfort grow in him.
The color itself describes how he feels.
Please try and keep them blue.
His heart is big but breaks easily.
Please be cautious.
Cuddle him.
Make him feel warm and fuzzy inside just by snuggling against his embrace.
They're the most welcoming arms you'll ever lay in.
He snores sometimes, but don't let that stop you from falling asleep in his arms.
Self admittedly he said he drools.
Embarrassing, maybe.
But it's just another little thing you'll grow to admire.
His favourite place is Las Vegas.
He grew up there.
It's a huge part of his heart.  
He keeps it close to him.
Don't ignore the stories that he tells about his time there.
Even if they're repetitive.
Yes. He's forgetful but listen to the repetition of his stories.
Memorize them.
Like how he ran from the cops with his friends late one night and managed not to get caught.
Like how he would walk the strip every night and never run out of things to do there.
Just know that he badly wants to go back because things were easier, more relaxed there.
That place is his home.
Also know,
He's gone through so much terrible **** for someone his age.
He's just 20 but his heart is wise.
Sometimes you have to filter yourself because you don't want to bring up any horrible memory.
There are things I can't even begin to tell you about.
He has gone through hell and back so tell him that you're ******* proud of him.
Because you should be.
Please, don't let him ever feel that low again.
His favourite drink is coffee.
He adds a bit too much sugar to it but it's sweet and somehow taste amazing.
His kisses are soft, which I'm sure you know.
Don't ever stop kissing him.
He rides bikes, scooters, really anything with wheels.
That's his go to thing to really make him feel his best so when he goes to the skatepark, don't stop him.
Take care of him when he hurts himself, because he will hurt himself one way or another.
He loves music.
If he has one headphone in, don't think he's ignoring you.
He's not.
He simply wants to get lost for a little while.
And that's okay because everyone loves to drown out their thoughts sometimes.
That's what music does for him.
He stays up late on nights that he doesn't work or go to class.
And he drinks.
Sometimes heavily and he may get into a funk.
Please, help him out of it.
He can get scary sometimes and I worry that it can go bad.
Show him that you worry too.
He smells like cigarettes but you'll grow to love the smell.
Like I did.
Please, always remind him that he's loved and has your full attention.
He isn't the best at being hopeful that things will turn out good for him.
Make it known that you genuinely love him.
Make him aware that he will have you for as long as he wishes.
Let him know that you will treat him as best as you can.

Because if you can't do that, please let me.

To the girl that loves him next,

Treat him like he's your world.
Because I didn't get the opportunity to show him that he was mine.
And he really ******* deserves it.


-From Someone Who Loved Him Before.
  --and always will.

****. It’s ironic how empty I am
because I swear 6 months ago,
I had the universe inside of me.
But I cried the rivers in my bones dry.
The volcanoes in my chest erupted when you told me you didn’t love me anymore,
The lava flowed and my body hardened
Till I stopped sleeping.
I had stars in my lungs but I burned them
all out with the cigarettes I was smoking
to get you the **** out of my throat.
The flowers growing at the bottoms of my
stomach are dead.
Apparently you can’t water flowers with *****.
I had the sky in my veins but it’s been pretty ******* stormy since I
ripped them open.
I had planets on the tip of my tongue but
the remains of “us” have been crashing into them.
I was everything.
And then I met you and we were everything.
Now you’re ******* some girl who gets
high all the time and
I’m
A
*******
Mess.

Every time I close my eyes,
I think of all the times I had to hide.
And every time I see you smile,
I wonder why you didn't stay for awhile.
And I'll try to hold back my tears,
I'll try to help you through you fears.
But just know, inside I'm dying,
And I hate the fact I'm always lying.
I don't think I can do this anymore,
I tried so **** hard to close the door.
Some how you always find your way back in,
I'm never able to speak, but forced to listen.
I stay silent, for what seems like ages,
Forced to write my unspoken thoughts on empty pages.
Hoping one day I can finally open up to you,
These are the things I so badly wish you knew.

Maybe I'm meant to be a wallflower,
Watching others grow.
Lurking in their shawdows,
Constantly keeping low.

Maybe I'm meant to be a wallflower,
Plucking my petals one by one.
Praying that maybe I'll be picked,
Cause I have never seen the sun.

Maybe I'm meant to be a wallflower,
It's my destiny to be alone,
I think that by now its obvious,
My future is set in stone.

Maybe I'm meant to be a wallflower,
The shyest of them all.
I know that I will never branch out,
I am meant to stay this small.

Wallflowers can be beautiful,
That I know is true.
And I don't mind being a wallflower,
Because I kind of like the veiw.

I want you to glance at me when I pass by.
Notice me when I actually try.
I want you to hold my hand when we walk.
Notice how beautiful I am everytime we talk.
I want you to kiss me under the sun.
Notice me coming undone.
I want you to tell me you love me.
Notice how you're the only one I see.
I want you not to yell.
Notice me trying to escape this hell.
I want you to stay.
Notice how every **** night I pray.
I want you to come back.
Notice me trying to so hard to back track.
I want you to love me again.
Notice how I can't let this be the end

Maybe that was my number one mistake.
Not noticing the steps that I always take.

They lead to my downfall every ******* time.
Breaking my heart, to you, obviously is not a crime.

I want to write without writing.
Try without trying.
Speak without speaking.
Fly without flying.

I want to smoke without smoking.
Cry without crying.
Love without loving.
Die without dying.

I want to live without living.
Lie without lying.
Hope without hoping.
Sigh without sighing.

I want to escape without escaping.
Be without being.
Leave without leaving.
See with out seeing.