hurting everyone around me
while i hurt myself
toxic
everyone is being punished
for my stupidity
my scaredness
my lack of control
my complaints
me
me
me
it's all me
but i'll fix it,
ill re-gain control
soon,
nobody will be hurting because of me
they’ll be smiling as i watch in the distance,
overtaken by the shadows
my tears falling to the ground like leaves on an autum day
i had to leave
i couldnt stay
all i can do is try take other peoples pain away and make it mine now
you all deserve better
i am not better yet
but i will be
A.

I keep getting swept up
in someone else's fantasy
Marriage, talents, interests
that don't quite interest me
Like a butterfly, beautiful on its own
but cannot redesign its mimicry
These new personas bombard
and confuse, they simply need to leave
I'm a puzzle with missing pieces
a map without a key
A mimicry octopus
fleeing from the scene
I need distance from it all
so I can go back to being me
A.

Are You Asking For Too Much Or Are You Just Asking The Wrong Person?
There’s a difference between someone who likes you and someone who appreciates you.
There’s a difference between someone who thinks you’re convenient and someone who thinks you’re irreplaceable.
There’s a difference between someone who thinks you’re hot and someone who thinks you’re beautiful.
There’s a difference between someone who likes you for your body and someone who likes you for your soul.
There’s a difference between someone who wants to spend quality time with you and someone who’s just looking for someone to entertain them.
There’s a difference between someone who wants to keep you in their life forever and someone who wants you for a little while.
There’s a difference between someone who loves the idea of you and someone who’s in love with you.
There’s a difference between someone who keeps showing what you mean to them effortlessly and someone who shows you only when you ask them to.
There’s a difference between someone you can count on and someone who finds excuses for not being there.
There’s a difference between someone who sees a home in you and someone who only sees a vacation.
They both exist. They both fulfill a certain need, but you have to ask yourself first what you’re truly looking for and where this person is or where this person can meet you.
You have to ask yourself if you’re asking for too much or you’re just asking the wrong person.
And most importantly, you have to be honest with yourself if you’re with someone who’s not on the same page. If you’re with someone who doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved. And if you know the answer and you’re afraid to make a decision, you just have to do it because nothing is worse than living a lie. Nothing is worse than trying to find love and happiness in the middle of heartbreak and chaos.
You can never bloom in the wrong environment. You can never shine with someone who doesn’t see your light.
Because it can only be one of two things; there’s no in-between. It’s either the real deal or another fraud.

Chaos.
Being told to tame this beautiful chaos of mine
is like being told not to feel
while walking through fire.
They tell me not to feel.
It's wrong.
So lately i've been uninspired.
I cannot think long enough to write down my thoughts.
Don't think.
It complicates things.
Just feel, and
if it feels like home
then follow its path.
And that's the thing.
She was always willing to burn for everything she has ever loved.
Chaos.
It's what we know as love.
A.

You.
You wanted it.
You wanted her fragile adventurous heart so no one else could have it. so you took it, you took it without care without caution. You didn't realize it was slightly broken when you found it but now that you have, you're having second thoughts. But that's not fair, she wanted you with everything in her but you just throw it back. You didn't listen. You didn't listen because you're selfish with your love, because you took everything out of her so you didn't have to get anything back. You watched that heart crack in your hands for months as you counted your trash on the side.
But, she forgave you. She forgave you because she thought you loved her. She thought you changed and maybe for a second you believed yourself. You talk about your future with her. You told her you'd die for her, but you lied. You **** the life out of such a beautiful soul for so long, she doesn't know how to fix herself now, or even begin to understand why you did the things you did.
She let you go!
But you came back.
You came back because you were lonely, because you no longer had someone who cared so deeply about you. You broke her heart because you were unsure of yours. You broke everything in her because you could. When you ended things she cried for days, She couldn't even remember how to eat. You hurt her so badly and she was still in love with you.
But she has to let that go.
She has to pretend things are okay so she doesn't look like an idiot.
She BEGGED you not to let her let it go.
You did.
So she begged you not to let it go.
You did.
You did everything she asked you not to. Everything she begged you not to do.
She doesn't want to hate you, but when she cries herself to sleep all that comes from your name is pain.
Pain...
Stay away.
Do not ever come back to that girl.
Stay away.
Because if you ever come back, she may not be strong enough to tell you to go, because she may say I still love you and make the same mistakes all over again. Because with your selfish hands. You may break her all over again because she didn't get to heal. she gave you too many chances to count. But you gave her up. But it's ok. it's ok because you'll regret it all one day. When she's finally happy and over you you'll miss her.
You’ll miss her.
You'll miss her childish humor and her fragile heart.
You'll miss the girl that never gave up on you when everyone else did, you'll miss that annoying girl who consistently wanted to make sure you're okay because you weren’t smiling like you were an hour before.
But she deserved better.
She deserved to have her heart held by the kindest of hands. Ones that keep their promises. She deserved to be flaunted as if she was gold. She deserves flowers and chocolates. She deserves so much more than a boy who thought he was a man.
But she didn't realize.  
She didn't realize that love didn't mean the same thing to boys.
She didn't know.  
She didn't realize you had a whole life without her that made you just as happy. She didn't realize that you had already made up your mind long before leaving. She didn't realize love was nothing less than a four letter word in this generation. But mostly she didn't realize that love didn't mean the same thing to boys.
She didn't know...
But mostly she didn't realize she had to apologize for loving someone too much...
Way too **** much..
A.

A cool breeze
makes me feel free
A cup of coffee or tea
is soothing to me
A lit candle burning
puts me at ease
A walk around the grocery store
the children laughing makes me smile
A cruel world
they know nothing about
I'm still living in the moments
trying to figure it all out
Some days are harder than most
I find strength within
I know I'll be okay ..
Never forgetting to breathe.
One day at a time.
Putting myself back together
Once again.

Did you prefer her perfume over mine?

Bare vanilla shimmer.

Was there a softness to her that I didn’t have?



I had a sweet tooth for broken guys.

Maybe I made you feel strong.



Would you have loved us both forever?

If I never thought to ask for “more”



I never knew who really was the other woman

You loved her first,

but I loved you more.



We were caught in a whirlpool,

but I would have drowned for you.



I’m still coughing up water,

from the last time we kissed.



Did you take my fire home to her?

Did you burn her down with the matches you used on me?


Did you ever call her my name?

Did you think of me while she was in your arms?



Your reasons were so desperate,

begging me to stay

Even when you wanted me to go.


Your promises came with asterisks.

You wanted me... but only sometimes

and honestly, not for forever.



I learned to lean into the chaos,

into your roller coaster of emotions.

I thought that loving you

was worth losing myself.



Idiotic fool.


It’s been six months since I spoke to you.

It’s been 4 months since you tried calling last.



I’d like to think

that I’m finally clean.



But a small part of me misses the madness.

The colors.

The secret language.

I miss the feeling of falling in love

for the first time.


But it’s not supposed to feel like drowning.


A.

Kisses on the shoulder blade while I play you your favorite songs on the piano.

let’s climb the roof and watch the sunrise together
he smiled and didn’t forget the coffee or doughnuts

let’s go to the beach in our bathing suits, sun kissed glow and wine coolers
he nodded in agreement and went to start the car

let’s eat pancakes lathered in maple syrup and hot butter
he walked out wearing pj’s

let’s ride all the roller coasters and munch on candied apples
he was the first one in line

let’s have chinese on the hood of the car because the day was a bad one
he made sure i had room for matcha mochi ice-cream in the end

let’s go to the nearest museum on a Sunday morning
he didn’t complain he had bought them the night before

let’s have brunch downtown before anyone wakes up
he brought me to a place where omelettes came in the shape of hearts

let’s watch Sinister on a Friday night minutes before midnight rolls around
he held my hand throughout the whole thing

let’s head out and have a spa day
he agreed to a ****** and pedicure

let’s stay at home, bake sweets and talk by the fire
he taught me the secret to his chunky chocolate chip cookies

let’s sit on the porch and count the stars
he held me tight and told me that i looked beautiful

let’s promise to love, care, cherish and trust each other forever he said
i smiled and knew i had met the one.
A.

late at night
i lie awake
thinking of things i wish i would say
and i’ll the mistakes i’ve made
and all the sign i should have read.
then i think about what i can’t live without
you,  
front and center on my mind
sometimes it feels like halfway love
almost, but not quite
i gave you the term, almost lover
it suits you almost perfect
still,
parts of you make me feel whole
reminding me who i am and who i need to be
i think of the love letters that are now tore up
how i wish they weren’t torn up
feelings of blue and gray
when i am without you
is when i feel the closest to you
blank page,
artless innocence
i realized how dependent i’ve grown to you
and feel the need to create a distance
and i realized even more that i was in love when you hurt me
so i loved even more
toxic.
they say for the ones in love
love the hardest when there’s nothing to love at all
painfully and slowly that became true
but you see if you never spend quality time with your woman and feed her soul consistently,
she will never be truly happy
sometimes i look up at the lilac sky
and wonder if you’re looking too
i gaze at the colors and all the beauty of it all
thought it’s beauty would never compare to you
A.

They stuck her with needles,
then asked why she screamed

11:11
my one wish is
to find someone
who sees the world
as beautiful as i do
with their lips
preaching poetic beauty
as i have once did
to all the boys
i have loved before
you never deserved me.
A.

i dream of meeting myself
one who's just like me
so,
you're older indeed
but we will succeed.
this i know for sure.
how
poetry lives through us
moments are held beneath ones touch
and relived through the words we speak,
always.
our love will be unique,
nevertheless.
A.

If I had to say I learned one thing so far
I would say that the hardest pill that I’ve had to swallow
was learning that no matter how good you could be to somebody,
no matter how much you love them,
they can and will turn their back on you
and there’s absolutely nothing you can do but
**** it up and
Keep
Moving
Forward.
A.

I see the trace of his outline as he walks into the sunset
a silhouette against the twilight
an apple falling to his hands.
Soon the moon will rise
and then with it my hopes
just as I know he will return.

We reveled in these good times
as the day turns into night
time and time again.
We shall cherish all we have
We shall love with all our might.
This portrait of you shall stay with me
in my heart, forever alive.

It’s the end of our beginning
beyond infatuation.
Real commitment.
The realization
each day shall bring us closer
even when we are away.

This feeling we share
unites us in so many ways.
Crashing through our lives
Like so many waves
crystal blue water
salty skin
facing fears
being brave.
Ever in my thoughts
his radiance so desired.
I just want to be close to him
walking into the sunset
holding his hand in mine.

you fell in love with the way i made you feel comfortable & the way i laughed with you. you fell in love with how light we felt while holding hands & eating eggs in bed on Sunday mornings. you fell in love with the world i showed you.

but you did not fall in love with me.



A.

young girls and women stay in toxic, unhealthy relationships because they think it’s love.
we call getting scolded in public for walking too fast love.
when we hear “you’re not going out in that, you want attention” we think, “wow, he thinks i’m so beautiful, i’m so in love, he wants me all for himself.”
no. he’s not being protective and he’s not in love or he would proudly hold your hand with a smile on his face, but more importantly a smile on your face down that sidewalk and not worry about whether your shirt came up a little too much past your belly button or if your shorts were too short, who cares? you thought. but you change because you think he loves you.
but you shouldn’t be tugging at your shirt the next time you wear it out again, you shouldn’t be throwing those shorts away because of a man who doesn’t know what love is.
laughter and bliss is the medicine. you both would agree.
so forced happiness and smiles is what the world sees. you know that.
fake social media posts about how their man treats them so good and it doesn’t get better than him and how they are so happy, the happiest they’ve ever been. so so happy.
the people closest to you see otherwise.
i know those songs will remind you of him, i know how long it took you to put together a playlist, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate it as much as you would have liked him to. i know that scent you smelled reminded you of him and that certain time of the year is painful because that’s where it all started.
you and him.
the chaos.
hurt people hurt people.
you both poke and say the things knowing it’s gonna hurt there.
you use words like weapons until one day, the hurtful stinging words aren’t enough.
your arms are pulling back, ready to punch, hit, whatever is spitting out those disgusting words.
then you both realize..
the person who you thought was your protecter, your friend, a role model, is none of those things.
they want to see you cry because then they know, they are in control.
that can shape you and form you into whatever they want.
you let them because you think it’s love.
to the girl wondering why she isn’t enough, to the girl crying off her leftover mascara from last nights arguments.
to the girl who thinks she will never find better because she’s convinced she is so in love with a boy who will replace her the next time she walks out because her instincts tell her to.
he doesn’t love you.
he will say he’s only human and everybody make mistakes.
he’s not love.
your gut is trying to tell you that you are not happy.
please listen.
those moments of anger are going to keep happening.
he will do more and more to hurt you and he knows he can because you let it happen.
you let it happen.
nobody is left to feel bad for you anymore.
because in the end, you let it happen.
this is a sign you need to walk away, i know there were some happy moments, full of laughter but remember how he never wiped your tears away or how he kept doing the one thing you said not to do. how he yelled so loud knowing you hate loud noises because they remind you of the painful times. how he made you do the things you didn’t want to do. how you thought you were saving a falling angel but you didn’t see how the demons were smiling at your cracking heart when you leaned in for a make up hug...
how he left your soul cold.
remember the nights when you couldn’t fall asleep because you knew he was getting over you and it killed a little piece of your heart.
you kept killing your heart and now you’re scared of letting your fragile walls down for someone else but you don’t wanna know someone else.
to the girl with tears in her eyes looking at a phone screen reading this
take a deep breath.
leave.
don’t look back.
stick to loving yourself until someone that knows how to love, that is capable of true love comes to save you from your suffering.
you will find love,
heal yourself.
find yourself.
to me:
read this again please,
and remember the hurt.
A.

you opened me up
and i lay for you
like a butterfly
still
vulnerable
ready again
once more
to surrender
waiting for you
to sink your teeth in.
but you pulled away
and left nothing
but paper wings
and the harsh truth
behind you
A.

having a hard time adjusting
wanna travel the world
till my wheels start rusting
give me no compass
give me no sign
just flick the invisible string
that has always tied me to you
the rituals we have are small enough
that we could keep them alive forever
if we wanted to
like I could stay in this hotel room forever
never thinking twice
if you stay too
and I could never look at anything else
unless I'm looking at only you
they say
not all who wonder are lost
but it's not wanderlust for the outside world
no
it's wanderlust for your mind
to travel outside of my comfort zone
as long as you are there to jump in the water first
and watch me jump in after
adjusting back to being all alone
inside this empty house
not wanting to care about my own needs
when I'm caring about who grabbed the key before they left the room
its hard to be in my home
when home feels like an open wound
its hard to be anywhere when all I want is you
your a memory on a big screen
that plays in my head on a loop.

You’re so mean to me now. I can tell your falling out of love. I can see that you no longer love me like you used to. It’s the worst feeling anyone could fathom. I wish this upon nobody. It’s like you bought me this beautiful book and slowly, right in front of me, you start ripping out all of the pages. I can’t stop it and I can’t slow it down, all I get to do is watch and suffer. My heart still continues to beat for you though I don’t want to be done but I know I have to be. Torture is what it is.
A.

Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere.

I never liked Indiana
I just thought it was somewhere random  
till you kissed me there
I never liked windy cities
but I think maybe when you're with me
I like everywhere
I never liked tea that wasn't sweet
but I think when you kiss me
it makes up for it
and the calluses on your fingertips
I admired them from a distance
now they're on my cheek

I’m going to end up with someone who’s obsessed with me.
Someone who showers me with love even when they’re tired.
Someone who makes me smile, makes me laugh and makes me fall deeper in love with them everyday. Someone who loves my heart, my being.
That person will be my rib, my inner calm and peace.
A.

I want to hear your thoughts
from your perspective
Not by your words to me
but from your words to you.
I want to know your brain
without all of the edits.

I saw her again today in her zebra cardigan
Sitting on her porch, eyes focused on a book
Listening to the wind
Feeling the sun
Smile creeping on her lips from time to time
But not enough to reach her eyes
I watched as she drank a sip of tea from her mug
And wiped her lips with the back of her sleeve
She turned the page of the book
And tucked the hair falling on her face
She’s like a wild blooms that they put between the pages
No matter how long I kept her there
I know that she will always be right where I left her
Just like a butterfly trapped in a bottle
Watching her fade and dust inside
She’s like a music box I keep playing every night
Classic like I’ve always known her