i found the white flag you gave me
hidden in the trash
that's where i put it
just a few years ago

it was still packaged nicely
folded at every crease
it's such an eloquent way
to admit defeat

it's color was bright
and plain as can be
filled with nothingness
just like you thought of we

holding it in my hands,
you tell me to surrender
but that i can't do
for i'd be a pretender

i'm not a poet
or a magnificent creature
i am but one of many
with knowledge to learn

i string words together
with the meaning you’ve assigned them

i write and rewrite
until i see myself on paper

my palms become stained with ink
as i sort through the jungle of my thoughts

no, i'm not a poet
just an inhabitant of earth
i am but one of many
with knowledge to learn

you gifted me
a blanket of sadness;            

still i shiver              
            
slowly, but surely
i become devoid of emotion

i perform a smile
here & there when i need to

it's enough to get by

but it's still lonely here,
sitting next to you

your eyes meet mine
& now we both know
though we pretend not to see,
our future is clear

we will meet again one day
for now, it's goodbye

i'll keep this blanket you gave me
if ever you should need it
but it's tucked away now
beneath the base of my bed

it's not easy for me
to watch the past die
but i still hold on
though a loose grip, indeed

in time i will let go
for what will be, cannot be
if what was, still is

I make these decisions
in the heat of the moment

contemplation is non-existent
my fear is my opponent

stuck in an endless cycle of trepidation
no rights or wrongs
have found themselves in this equation

but to bathe in the what ifs
would force my head under

no air to breathe
and still left to wonder

so these decisions are made
sporadic as they come

I won't be transfixed
you'll find me on the run

it's such a strange feeling
to feel nothing at all

my soul was left deserted
but it's just my own downfall

i still laugh
and cry
still smile
and frown

that's just second nature
it's what you're supposed to do

but reacting to the world around us
doesn't make us any more alive
than the rain outside a window
can be interpreted as god's cry

don't say
that you're
leaving
even if
you think
you have
to go

the same water
that burns me to oblivion,
restores my aching bones
the same hands that
strangle my neck,
caress me when my eyes close
the same body
that once was a stranger,
now feels like home

i don't
wake up
when my eyes
open
i haven't
been awake
for some time
now

i feel sick today
not cold chills
or a runny nose
not body aches
or a sore throat

i feel sick today
no not in that way
it's my mind, not my body
that is beginning to stray

i feel sick today
but i can't describe it
it's cloudy for some reason
i don't recognize it

i feel sick today
but tomorrow will be better
this just happens sometimes
i’m sure it won't be forever

i can't help but wonder,
how many times i've been here before.
saying the same words,
while sitting on the same bed

each time was supposed to be the last

i can't help but wonder,
why you do the things you do.
sometimes you tell me to go,
other times i'm supposed to stay

and i can't help but wonder,
what's in it for you?

we don't kiss
anymore
and i don't feel love
anymore

you keep me close
but never close enough
and
you speak words
without saying much of anything at all

so, i can't help but wonder,
when will i sit on this bed for the last time?
and when will i believe these words that i say?

“I
Love
You “

Those were the words
That never left my lips

They were always there
Sitting on the edge
A daunting drop
Awaiting the ground beneath them

Those were the words  
That never came out

It didn’t feel safe

And so I’m still waiting
for a day
that will never come

But if you can hear me now
know
That I loved you yesterday
and I will love you
until there are no more
tomorrows

i always said
i'd die young
i wouldn’t make it
past 40
was that my depression talking
even at age 12
i had that feeling
running through my veins
it just didn’t have a name yet
it's starting
to make sense
now

we gravitate towards pretty things;
butterflies
and flowers,
but the ugly things
we hate
ants and beetles,
all insects alike
but we are quick to fling them away
killing them with one stomp
but when a butterfly lands on our shoulder
we take it as good luck

if the world didn't teach us
that we have to be pretty
if we want to be loved
would we still be petrified
of the creatures that surround us?

i feel closer to you
when i put words on paper

this one's difficult to write
even years later

do you believe me now?
you thought i was a liar

how could anyone love
a soul full of fire

you have demons of your own
i know it's bittersweet

see, you're a stubborn love
you're just like me

i wave goodbye to the past
because i don't wanna see

i'll love you from a distance
that's how it has to be

i’m not really familiar with that feeling
“happiness” you call it?
what is that and what does it really mean?

i know whatever it is,
i fake it all too well
makes me wonder
how many of you are good fakers too

you come to me
in a dream

things are as they should be

waking up
with an urge
to make this dream
come to life

my mind tells me it's a sign

funny, isn't it?
dreams are only a sign
when they align
with my desires

saturated with uncertainty
**** these dreams

my mind;
my enemy
please
steer me in the right direction

She said,

     “Life is just a series of problems
       to be traded off by other problems”

Is that so?
That’s what life is all about?

To choose between two evils
It just doesn’t make sense

A buffet served by the devil
It seems so cruel

Where is the loophole?
The secret to happiness
Has anyone figured out?

Maybe we’re all just dying inside
I’m convinced that’s it

Just say it out loud
I think this we can admit

you wrote me
into your past
it is there
i will stay

i've felt your arms around me before;
many times at that,
only pulling you close
when i was afraid that you'd leave

but only once or twice
would i call it a hug
and it's not because i didn't want to,
believe me, i did
but the touch of another human
startles me most,
when i see that it's coming

allowing myself
to be intertwined in another's arms
sends my body into a battle with euphoria
having to decide;
am i trapped
or am i free

so much to say
feels like there's too much on my plate
i look down to find those I've abandoned
no longer there

this vacancy sits atop of me
scolding my wrongdoings

this plate is as empty as I've let it become
my stomach still crowded
from all the pills that I've swallowed

i know i am the fool of my own ways
telling everyone there's too much
when i can't say i don't feel enough

you know it's a lie

somehow i feel everything
every absence protrudes in my mind
closing the door before i give you a chance to enter
then complain like i do
that i' m always alone

you walk towards me
i run in the other direction
your speed will never match mine
the distance will grow
and you'll probably never know
that i have a love just for you
and i want you to have it
but it's unsafe to enter

i will repeat this pattern
until the inevitable end
my plate will surely be empty
though I won't have to pretend

you’re trailing behind me
like the past, it’s haunting me
unbeknownst to me
i was being watched
separated by two feet;
space and your resistance
that’s what’s keeping you from me
but you know where I go
when i need a clear head
giving into the resistance
you show up in red;
red so i can see you
no matter how far i go
some kind of game you play
so you don’t lose hope
this may all just be a delusion
that’s how it usually goes
maybe i’m the crazy one
but who really knows?

i started writing in all lower case
because capital letters were too much
too heavy
and too proper

marking the start of a thought
that's what they're supposed to do
but when i think about emotion
and conveying what's in my mind
there's no clear beginning
and never an end either

these words are just as they are
they manifest my thoughts
at least to some degree
and they showcase my emotion
in this moment at least

i want to use these words
these symbols of life
just how i picture them
and just how i feel them

maybe you see it differently
and i would expect that much
because if we all had the same mind
i don't think we'd crave each other's touch

i stand at the edge
where the water meets land

a few steps forward
is all it would take
to be swept away

i let the sea take me
relinquish control

it's out of my hands
i don't have to think

my mind is at ease
i am free
i am free

a smile washes over me
i am ready for life

this was all it took
but no land in sight

i let my hair down for you
because that's how you like it
tousled in my face
imitating life's chaos
a chaos we cling to
because we don't know any different

still telling ourselves
that we crave stability
but we know how the story goes
seeking comfort
loathing change
forgetting that our comfort lies in pain

imposters we've become
pawns in our own game
having yet to learn
that bliss only follows
those who let go

enduring a new kind of angst
but only for a moment
then letting it pass
and living to adore it

They tell me
To find the light
In all of my darkness

But wouldn’t I see
Any light peaking through
And wouldn’t I notice
Such a marvelous sign

I tell them they’re crazy
Only darkness lives here
I’ll know when there’s light
It’ll find me on its own

You don’t have to worry
This is just life
Don’t think about it too much
I’ll be alright

i loved a man once
who never loved me back
i wish i could say my love was pure
it was not
i loved who you were
or maybe who i thought you to be
because the real you was now here
standing in front me

i didn't feel that love that i had so thought i would
it was in my imagination
pieced together with delusion
this is what you feared most
why you never let yourself fall
you saw right through me
and i'm sorry it took this long
it isn't simple
it's a convoluted path
but i finally got here
i hope you're ok with that

i thought
i was
moving
forward
but it was
just the world
moving
around me

"You write
About darkness
And demons
Why don’t you ever
Write about the good things in life?"
Well the good things you see
Don’t make me go crazy
I only see the good
Through an altered lens
Clouds of fog obscure my view
A frigid gloom passes
Over the warmth of sunshine
Its brightness is no match
For this Alaskan winter
So I write these words
For I wish to understand
Why the darkness holds the power
And to hell with the good

people seem to forget
how tiring it is;
telling your story from the beginning,
reliving all those moments;
even the ones you forgot
but still carry with you
so many hours to invest
just to bring a stranger up to date,
so they can understand why you are
the way you are
and why you fear
the things you fear

-they- come in waves
dark shadows
among the daylight

haven't they been
drenched in the darkness for long enough?

armed with egos and weapons
first -they- stand in front of you
then -they- plow through you

a moronic display
of the truth that they’re screaming

it's always strange to me
when people are surprised that i cry;
that i feel

my body is seen
as an exuberant being
i must hide it so well;
the war in my mind

in quiet moments
i spend hours
searching for
reasons to love myself
because most of the time
self-love
just seems so foreign

sometimes
a touch suffocates me

it builds upon the barricade
that separates me from myself  
& myself from sovereignty

other times, it's a quaint reminder
that (un)loneliness is there
if i want it

i feel the most like myself
when it's just me and four walls;
red rivers in my eyes,
getting lost in a cavern of thoughts

nobody's here but me;
i invite them, though
and i understand when they don't want to enter
because it's cold and dark in here;
you need a flashlight just to see what's right in front of you

but i've avoided these pillars of light
for ages it seems
because when i introduce light to the darkness
all i can see is desolation

i've tried to reject this reality,
to find a new normal
getting so close
but always being turned away
almost like i'm not meant to have happiness

or maybe i just can't handle the light