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Kiohtel Jan 16
The day I was born to you
I was held with such care
You loved your dear daughter
Her perfect visage
Your expectations
Your future
Your fulfillment

I wanted to show you the world
I never asked for your vision
You loved your daughter
Her perfect visage
And rejected me
My expectations
My future
My fulfillment
Kiohtel Dec 2018
ID
Hi, Ma'am?
I am new here.
Do you know what happened?


Hello? Sir?
I don't have a phone
Can you please give me directions?


Hey, kid!
Can you hear me?
How do I go back?


Somebody, anybody?
I don't want this
Please help me out


You, there?
I think I messed up
I'm scared


Oh, God!
Think I left my wallet and ID
In my coffin
  Jun 2018 Kiohtel
tc
of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
myself
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.
  May 2018 Kiohtel
heather mckenzie
i’d rather write about the freckles on your back than think about all of the ways in which you quite possibly don’t love me.

i feel sick at the very thought of you picking me apart the way you did; fingers grabbing and stroking in a catastrophic symphony of skin and vulnerability.

let’s read between each other’s lines; share my sentences and punctuate my paragraphs with your mouth; because i can breathe easier on the mornings where i wake up wrapped around you.

because my moods change like the ******* seasons and the spinning in my head doesn’t want to stop.
                                         you tell me that i should probably get a therapist because no one that thinks about all the ways in which they could **** themselves has an ounce of mental stability.
                                          i tell you that i have been to four.
                                          names faded into a blur with hazy snippets of conversation remaining.
20mg.
                    30mg.
you tell me that trust issues and scars aren’t endearing and i tell you that neither is counting up the potential number of pills needed to dissolve your body into the living room carpet.

let me sink inside your skin and make a home in your flesh;
i tell you about the nights where i lay awake in the bath turning the water red.
                       tragic, isn’t it.

you tell me that this isn’t how my head should work and i tell you that i already know. everything you could possibly tell me i already know.
i know that 400 calories a day isn’t normal, and my hands shouldn’t shake all the time.
                                             i know.
please let me stitch myself into you, even just for a while; until i no longer feel dizzy and my world stops spinning.
i don’t need you to tell me that it will be okay, because honestly i don’t think it will be and, that in itself, is okay.
                                                                ­                 let me stitch myself into you, because my own skin can’t take it anymore.

let me call you back when my voice stops wobbling and my vision straightens out, but honestly, i’m terrified that it never will. what if this is it. headaches and tears and shaking and blood.
                                             and the debilitating, gut-wrenching feeling of pure and euphoric emptiness.

                                              tragic, isn’t it.
  Mar 2018 Kiohtel
Duzy
No one can know your pain
Not nearly as well as yourself
But the rope won't take it away
It just gives it to someone else
Kiohtel Mar 2018
People walking ..in and out
I bite my tongue ..so not to shout
I did not ask ..for them to come
I didn't ask them ..to be done

Took me longer ..than it should have
I yearned harder ..than I could have
They're gone before ..I find the bleed
I would take the pain ..but it's not to be

I know I'm glad ..that I met you
But I'm so sad ..that I met you
I cannot find ..the words to say
While I do this to ..myself again

You're alone in crowds ..just like I am
I find myself ..lost in your mind
You make me laugh, you make me smile
For a change, I hope you ..stay a while
I cherish all my friends, however long they stay <3
Kiohtel Feb 2018
..do you ever feel?
Like you ended up..
..In the wrong Universe
wrong Galaxy..
..wrong Planet
wrong City..
..wrong Home
wrong Work..
..wrong Family
wrong Life..
..wrong Body
wrong shoes..
..wrong thoughts
wrong Soul..
..Like you Are
so Wrong..
..so lost
If only..
..you could imagine
What it would be like..
..to feel Right?
Is anyone ok, really? We either know everything and are miserable or we create lies to make it seem better..and the cycle repeats..
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