Jun 13 Kiohtel
of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.
  May 25 Kiohtel
heather mckenzie
i’d rather write about the freckles on your back than think about all of the ways in which you quite possibly don’t love me.

i feel sick at the very thought of you picking me apart the way you did; fingers grabbing and stroking in a catastrophic symphony of skin and vulnerability.

let’s read between each other’s lines; share my sentences and punctuate my paragraphs with your mouth; because i can breathe easier on the mornings where i wake up wrapped around you.

because my moods change like the goddamn seasons and the spinning in my head doesn’t want to stop.
                                         you tell me that i should probably get a therapist because no one that thinks about all the ways in which they could kill themselves has an ounce of mental stability.
                                          i tell you that i have been to four.
                                          names faded into a blur with hazy snippets of conversation remaining.
you tell me that trust issues and scars aren’t endearing and i tell you that neither is counting up the potential number of pills needed to dissolve your body into the living room carpet.

let me sink inside your skin and make a home in your flesh;
i tell you about the nights where i lay awake in the bath turning the water red.
                       tragic, isn’t it.

you tell me that this isn’t how my head should work and i tell you that i already know. everything you could possibly tell me i already know.
i know that 400 calories a day isn’t normal, and my hands shouldn’t shake all the time.
                                             i know.
please let me stitch myself into you, even just for a while; until i no longer feel dizzy and my world stops spinning.
i don’t need you to tell me that it will be okay, because honestly i don’t think it will be and, that in itself, is okay.
                                                                ­                 let me stitch myself into you, because my own skin can’t take it anymore.

let me call you back when my voice stops wobbling and my vision straightens out, but honestly, i’m terrified that it never will. what if this is it. headaches and tears and shaking and blood.
                                             and the debilitating, gut-wrenching feeling of pure and euphoric emptiness.

                                              tragic, isn’t it.
  Mar 18 Kiohtel
No one can know your pain
Not nearly as well as yourself
But the rope won't take it away
It just gives it to someone else
Kiohtel Mar 4
People walking ..in and out
I bite my tongue ..so not to shout
I did not ask ..for them to come
I didn't ask them ..to be done

Took me longer ..than it should have
I yearned harder ..than I could have
They're gone before ..I find the bleed
I would take the pain ..but it's not to be

I know I'm glad ..that I met you
But I'm so sad ..that I met you
I cannot find ..the words to say
While I do this to ..myself again

You're alone in crowds ..just like I am
I find myself ..lost in your mind
You make me laugh, you make me smile
For a change, I hope you ..stay a while
I cherish all my friends, however long they stay <3
Kiohtel Feb 16
..do you ever feel?
Like you ended up..
..In the wrong Universe
wrong Galaxy..
..wrong Planet
wrong City..
..wrong Home
wrong Work..
..wrong Family
wrong Life..
..wrong Body
wrong shoes..
..wrong thoughts
wrong Soul..
..Like you Are
so Wrong..
..so lost
If only..
..you could imagine
What it would be like..
..to feel Right?
Is anyone ok, really? We either know everything and are miserable or we create lies to make it seem better..and the cycle repeats..
Kiohtel Jan 17
My home is like a fragile dream
A map scattered in my mind
How could it be a part of me
When there, I can find no sign?

I know there exists the beauty I seek
For it teases and leaves me yearning
For it, my heart has learned to speak
The tongues I would be let down in

I watch my days and years pass
Waiting for better ones to come
Now I'm looking back at the grass
And the sand and the shining sun

Am I not strong or am I too worn
Who is around to tell..?
God is a question I'm counting on
To send me answers at hell

Dare I wish for love to feel?
It comes and goes like waves
And leaves behind some parts to heal
Not quite the things I craved

Chemicals flowing in my body
Menace my emotional raft
Create memories with nobody
And overwhelm me till I laugh

However the truth I accept it now
I was born deviant and wrong
You can't combine the sky and ground
With things that don't belong

I don't mind the lies I'm told
You'll find my inner face alit
From the heat I take when truth unfolds
As long as I have someone to play with
This is the journey of a person trying to find companionship in anything possible... In their own mind, their experiences, the past and present, their memories, their self, their God, in love and friendships, in drugs and in nature. It concludes that the inner real self of the person feels much stronger as long as they have a companion even if they are lie

In the end
Life numbs YOU
Why are you pushing me away?
With this final masquerade
Given UP
In pieces
Crawling away
I am powerless
Bringing me One step closer
To Somewhere I belong
With Heavy heart
What I've done?
I'm a paper-cut survivor
Let me bleed it out
Let me burn it down
I've no more sorrow
What's this new divide?
I'm Breaking the Habit of LIFE
Shadow of the Day elongating
I'm Waiting for the end
I remain the messenger of LOVE
Lying for YOU from life
Guilty all the same
From the inside
Let me crawl back in your life
In the castle of glass
Give a Place for my head
Otherwise I'll be gone
I'm out of time now
Traveling the roads untraveled
With black heart
I am rider of the storm
Living the Battle Symphony
Burning in the skies
So don't let down me
I'm victimized
So slow Ya roll
Let me hit the floor
Away from lies greed misery
See Inside me
In the end we made it
with YOU
I LOVE In the end
Love can save our LIVES

A tribute to Chester Bennington
Best song listings
In the end Chester wanted LOVE
LOVE could have saved his life...
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